psalm_onethirtyone: (Feet)
So I asked my friend Kat what she would like for her birthday, and she picked a pangolin. And over the past two days I have discovered that a pangolin is an awful lot of work to piece together from small attractive pieces of paper. But the good news is, it's done, and it actually looks fantastic. I'm going to try to get a picture before I give it to her to post here so y'all can see, because I'm really proud of it.

Other than that, my life has not been enormously exciting. Getting back into the usual craziness of classes etc., and it turns out I'm the vice president of our apiary society, which I did not know and which resulted in some mad panic Thursday night when I found out fairly last-minute that I had to represent that club at an RSO meeting. Still, everything ended up working out fine.

Mostly I'm just having ridiculous body issues. Going back to school is always pretty problematic because argleblargle lots of slender friends who make me feel gigantic and horrible ugly, so I am kind of wanting to roll myself up in a rug and put myself in storage somewhere for-ever. But oh well.

I am a boring person!
psalm_onethirtyone: (Body Dysmorphia is a Cliche)
Soooo at my one client's house the t.v. was on, and there was an ad going for some weight-loss programme. It started out fairly inoffensively: middle-aged, stocky woman going "yay now I am not quite as heavy I can do more!" which is a reasonable approach, really; and the fact that she wasn't skinny made it seem much more like a "I'm just wanting to be healthier, this isn't about the beauty standard" kind of thing. So far so good.

And then the last line of the commercial is her saying "Thank you [name of product] for letting me be pretty one last time".

What. the actual fuck.

So yeah, I thought you all might like to know what's wrong with the world.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Body Dysmorphia is a Cliche)
1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY [livejournal.com profile] erinpuff! You are made of awesome, cut into bricks and baked in the sun, and mortared together with wet-cement-consistency awesome! Also someday when you are back in Pennsylvania again EVER we need to see each other, because I miss you. ♥

2. To-day my mother lovingly gave me the "darling ilu v much and I know that you have weight-related issues but you are getting kind of fat and I don't want you to get diabetes and die, okay?" talk. >___< I hate that talk. I promised I would start exercising regularly once I get back from Mass., and that seemed to placate her.

3. ABBY TO-MORROW EEEEE.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Annie with Red Hair)
1. What do you do when someone you consider a pretty good friend keeps talking about stuff you have explicitly said is triggering to you, even when you have asked her to stop? (i.e. you said "ilu but please stop telling me about how much weight you're losing, how much fat is in the food I eat, etc" and she said "but I want you to be healthy" and went on talking about it? even after you said "hi EATING DISORDER"?)

2. On Celexa now. Haven't picked up the scrip yet, though.

3. Have three papers left for the semester (1 3-pager, 1-5/7-pager, 1 10/15-pager), three exams, and a story to write. Was going to do the short paper to-day, but feeling kind of too depressed atm, so maybe I will go watch bad horror for a bit. Thursday is LAS, so we get a day off--good time to get stuff done. As is to-morrow.

Bleh.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Mycroftian Horrors)
Dear GOD I am tired. Stress comes with insomnia, as always.

basically, rundown, I have one exam and four finals, one more therapy appointment, one more prescription to fill, four more classes to attend, one lovecraftian horror in Comm, one magnificent disaster in ConRes (is it a paper? is it an in-class exercise? WHO KNOWS? certainly not me, because I slept through one class and missed the other last week), and one excruciating confrontation in IntroSosh. And ALL THE BODY DYSMORPHIA IN THE WORLLLLD.

Also I screwed up my knee and it doesn't bend. >_>

On the plus side, [livejournal.com profile] dreamer_easy made me a Mycroft creeping icon, which I love. Now I just need moar. Actually, I need icons for Sherlock, X-Men, and probably Iron Man, as long as I just got more iconspace and I have new fandoms to attend to.

AND NOW TO FAIL MY INTROPSYCH EXAM. I am so ready for this.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Stellini D'Oro)
life is precious and mine is long.

damn, depression is exhausting. i wish i didn't have three exams this week. on the plus side, i really like these falling stars that lj has put up for the background.

i realised that i've got to stop self-injuring before the india trip over winter break, because apparently we'll be staying at a beach and they'll be expecting us to swim, so i won't be able to get away with it any more. i think that's actually more stressful than the actual self-injuring itself. i hate swimsuits. i wish i weren't body dysmorphic. i wonder if i can just curl up in the sand and wear clothes and not have to worry.

ha ha, i actually said "not have to worry" like it was an actual plausible course of action.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Body Dysmorphia is a Cliche)
Does this make me happy? Let's be frank: yes. Yes it does.

Also, we had a librarians-only pizza party to-day. :D I have promised myself I will not go home and cry about this, and you know what? Sophia Bush will shout encouragement. All the way from Hollywood. I can hear her, dammit.
psalm_onethirtyone: (This is My Way out of This)
I am dealing with two things right now; one is really annoying and the other is probably a good thing. So. I will make navel-gazing livejournal posts.

First of all, I am currently holding the position of being one of the only religious people in my group of friends. For the most part this isn't a problem. I am not the kind of Christian who has an interest in the conversion of others, and in general my friends are not the kind of people who look down on Christians. But--and this is the thing that is really frustrating me--we do not appear to have established that just because I find some religious humour humourous I will not get offended if people make offencive religious jokes.

I mean, I don't want to seem humourless and unable to deal with the issues inherent in my religion. But there are jokes that are funny and there are jokes that are outright upsetting to me, and a couple of my friends are apparently neither able to make that distinction nor to read my body language and interpret from it that I am not finding the situation funny. It's really awkward, too, because I don't want to get up in anybody's face and say "Hey, excuse me, that's not funny to me," but I also don't feel comfortable listening to some of this stuff. And God knows I have tried just leaving the table, but, again, apparently my body language is not clear enough, because these same people are not making that connexion.

Moreover, beyond humour, I am dealing with the fact that a lot of people are kind of bringing their grievances with Christianity to me (I think as a combination of my being religion and having a Judeo-Christian religious major [for anybody who's not aware, I changed my major to pre-seminary last semester!]), and expecting me to answer bigtime philosophical and religious questions and discrepancies within Christianity, and then having one of two reactions: either reacting as if my explanation is not good enough and as if, since my explanation isn't good enough, I should accept the inherent pointlessness of my religion and admit that it is stupid; or immediately countering all my explanations with Biblical studies that I already know about and treating me as though I know nothing about religion despite the fact that it is, you know, my major.

I haven't hit anybody yet, but I am starting to get really, really twitchy.

(And this isn't even touching on the people--not friends, luckily--who have expressed the opinion that because I am Christian and hope to be a priest at some future point, I am obligated to hate gay people, liberal people, minority groups, and sex, and also that it is not possible for me to secretary of the gay/straight alliance here on campus [which I am] or to believe in scientific theories like evolution [which I do], and that it is funny to make offencive religious comments solely to be offencive, which isn't actually offencive to me because I am not invested in them. >_> The reason it bothers me when my friends do it is because they're my friends.)

The other thing that I want to navelgaze about is going under a cut for ED triggers )

Also also: I managed to find a temporary therapist until mine comes back. She seems nice. We have our first meeting Tuesday. She got my name right on the first try! Best of all, she is FREE. Ha ha ha.

Also also also, I bought myself a Bruce Springsteen CD. It was only five dollars! >_>
psalm_onethirtyone: (Our Lesson)
So about two years ago I posted about a woman I used to go to Weight Watchers with. She came to the library while I was working and asked me if I had kept the weight off. I (two years into therapy for my eating disorder) told her that I tried not to worry about that any more, since it wasn't like it was a gauge of self-worth or anything, and she laughed and said something like, "Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night." I came home and spent the rest of the day completely miserable.

I worked at the library to-day, and she came in and checked out two books on eating disorders. >_>

I didn't say anything, because I couldn't think of anything remotely appropriate to say.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Body Dysmorphia is a Cliche)
Here is an article that ran in the Patriot-News to-day:

BeautifulPeople.com ousts members for being overweight
By Colin Stewart
Orange County (Calif.) Register

BeautifulPeople.com, a dating and social networking site that only accepts members who are attractive to the opposite sex, has ousted about 5000 members for allegedly gaining weight during the holidays.

"Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded," site founder Robert Hintze said in a press release.

The site benefits from the fact that laws against discrimination typically cover personal characteristics such as gender, age, ethnicity, religion and sometimes sexual orientation but not weight or appearance.

Members from the United States topped the list of excluded former members, followed by the UK, Canada, Poland and Germany.

"The USA has been grossly over-indulging since Thanksgiving--it's no wonder that so many members have been expelled from the network," said Greg Hodge, managing director of BeautifulPeople.com.

"After the recent cull, over 550,000 members remain on the site, representing 190 countries and almost every ethnic and cultural background," the site said.

"The drastic measures took place after many members posted photos of themselves celebrating Christmas and the new year--revealing that they have let themselves go. Vigilant members, who take pride in the standards demanded by the site, called for action," BeautifulPeople.com said.

"Despite considerable backlash against us, the numbers don't lie--we are catering to a very clear demand. BeautifulPeople.com may be morally ugly to our critics, but our growing success is a very beautiful truth."


I really hope these people feel a deep sense of shame when they wake up every morning. I am just appalled. Really, really appalled. I mean, I recognise that the kind of people who would sign up for a site like this are the kind of people who should really expect to be kicked off said site over a reason like that, but. Just.

I can name at least five actresses off the top of my head who are plus size and completely fucking gorgeous. It's not that hard to do with men, either (when I read the article to Maria, she said "WILLIAM SHATNER". Take that). How can you claim that weight is a defining factor in physical beauty? It's so obviously not. There are lots of people who are plain-looking and thin, and anyway physical beauty is 1) such a subjective thing and 2) so secondary to a person's character that I just can't even wrap my head around a site with over 550,000 members who are so shallow I just aklfjaklsfjlaksjfalskjflksfla.

p.s. Queen Latifah called she's going to fucking squish you. (And since this is my livejournal post and I can do what I want on it, after that she's going to take me on a date.)

Edit: I don't think I sound angry enough in this post, so let me add: FATTIES? ARE YOU FOR FUCKING SERIOUS? DIAF, MOTHERFUCKERS. OH NOES SOMEBODY ATE FOOD DURING THE HOLIDAYS THOSE BASTARDS BURN THEM AT THE STAKE FOR THEIR CRIMES AGAINST THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE OF THE WORLD. I'm sorry, my self-esteem is pretty goddamn low, but even I know that this is fucking shit.

Also, 'a very beautiful truth'? Maybe outside, but inside you are a cancerous lung, sir, and I feel very sorry for you.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Body Dysmorphia is a Cliche)
Okay. Here are some links you need to see.

This one, because it makes me furious--that is, not the post, but the article it's talking about: the author of the post is right on.

This one, because it is brilliant, and this woman should be supported and rallied around and I love her.

And this one because we need something light after all that, and this is hilarious.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Body Dysmorphia is a Cliche)
Really cool post by [livejournal.com profile] spuffyduds:

[T]he other day at the library I was shelving a recent People Magazine, and there was an article about Jennifer Garner's post-baby weight loss titled, "How She Got Her Body Back."

...

What weird, weird phrasing, if you think about it. What a weird thought process it elucidates. "If my body deviates from a narrow ideal, or if it deviates from how I have grown used to it looking--it ain't mine anymore. I UNOWN IT! NOT MINE NOT MINE NOT MINE. My REAL body is AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. It is MUCH CUTER than this thing which is currently inexplicably HANGING OFF MY NECK."

Hey, writers for People! That rounder, curvier body that Jennifer Garner had for a while? It was still HERS. It was still her.


That--is brilliant. ♥
psalm_onethirtyone: (Nay Nor Woman Neither)
Goddamn moral compass.

Also, I should have eaten to-day.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Body Dysmorphia is a Cliche)
Dear Phil:

You are a sweetheart. You are a lovely lovely person and a good friend and believe me I know and appreciate this fact. I do. But we need to talk about something.

Phil, you actually know, unlike many people out there with whom I am friends, that I am in remission for an eating disorder. And I know that you just care about my health and want to make sure I am doing okay, but, for God's sake, Phil, can you please please shut up about my portion sizes?

Because, see, when you comment on how much I'm eating it reaffirms for me a very unpleasant idea, the idea that everyone in the world ever is watching me eat and judging me for what I eat. I know it seems like one little comment to you, but for me it means everyone is judging me ahhhhhhh. And then I have to go home and cry all night.

So please stop.

Love,
Soujin

addendum to Liz: Thank you for saying that it only looked like a lot of ice cream because it was in a bowl instead of a cup like everyone else's. And for saying that I was sick and deserved lots of ice cream anyway. You are a true friend. ♥
psalm_onethirtyone: (Thus Spake Zarathustra)
Jesus Christ Almighty.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Mine has SPACE PRIESTS)
Well, I have no idea what to do with my life, for the record.

I'm still doing med school prerequisites, and working on my religion major, and actually planning my senior thesis, which I am really psyched about, but I have no idea what kind of career I want and whether I should still bother trying to get into med school, after the disaster of my internship.

And I think maybe the Depakote is making me more depressed. I don't know whether that's unreasonable or not; I just feel like I've been sadder lately. But maybe that's just me. I wish I knew.

I go from being really happy to kind of wanting to find a quiet place to cry, which is where I am now. But I'm also reading about saints, which I think is cool and I really like, so maybe I just need to go and hide somewhere with my saints book and see if that helps.

I wish I didn't feel so weird and inconclusive.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Slightly Confuzzled - Holly Brook)
So to-day was tolerably insane.

Maria and I went to St. Barnabas' to volunteer this morning, which I think we've done for about four years now--it's really fun, basically it's a week-long summer camp for teeny inner-city kids and "volunteering" is code for "cooking them nommy foods and watching them run around and terrorise the church ladies which is deeply satisfying". And for a couple of years we've had the misfortune to be doing our shift on the same day as these two kind of awful ladies from church who pretty much spend the whole time complaining that the kids are poor so they should eat whatever they get and be grateful for it, and claim that food allergies are just the kids trying to take advantage of something idek it's very weird and entitled and bitchy. To-day the kids were going out to one of the state camps in Halifax to go swimming and do recreational stuff and so we packed them lunches instead of cooking them a hot lunch to eat at the Lutheran church in Harrisburg. So while Maria and I were putting sandwiches in their lunch bags, we noticed that whoever had started packing them before us had left the price tag on every single item of food already packed.

And then we both expended great self-restraint and instead of slamming our heads repeatedly against the wall we went through and picked every single individual price tag off all of the foods.

It probably wasn't anybody's fault or intentional or anything, it's just that after an hour of listening to reasonably well-off older white women complain about what a cross to bear it is to make food for these kids I was about at the end of my patience and. yeah.

Hilariously, one of the kids did come up to Maria and tell her she reminded him of Darth Vader; she pushed her baseball cap down over her face and made horrible breathing noises.

After St. Barnabas' we went to the doctor's because Maria needed a bunch of shots prior to going to college. And she kind of mentioned that she doesn't like shots; what she failed to tell me is that she gets sick when she gets shots. She was acting a little strained while we were leaving and as soon as we were outside she told me she was going to throw up and started sobbing. So I drove her home. I just. I am such a total weenie and I cry over everything and I make a big deal about the littlest injuries, but I have no problem whatsoever with shots and actually enjoy giving blood. And Maria is this tough, strong farm girl with biceps the size of large rocks who can handle pretty much any situation, and she was a total mess. So I told her jokes and played her favourite CD and she was mostly okay when we got home, although she was nauseous for the rest of the day.

But she and Mama hung out during the afternoon, which I think made her feel better. I went and holed up in my room with a movie.

Aaaand then in the evening we drove up to Mama's coworker's house to get Ando! Only instead of Ando we ended up getting Spock and McCoy. They are two of the teensiest, fluffiest little grey furballs you ever saw, with little sweet faces and blue eyes. Spock has shorter fur and stays very calm most of the time and was okay with being smacked at by Hiro, whereas McCoy has really long silky fur and she is a total wreck. She hid under the radiator as soon as we got home. However! I pulled her out and snuggled her all during our family movie time this evening and by the time it was over she was drooped over me like a puddlecat. Her nickname is Tube Sock and Spock's is Pancake; these are fairly apt physical descriptions. Hiro does not like them, but I think he will learn to cope. Maggie has already figured out that they are not single servings of kitten nuggets and is contenting herself with eating all their food when I'm not looking.

And now! I have had all of three hours' sleep last night, been up since six-thirty this morning, run to Harrisburg, Duncannon, Newport, and Dalmatia, and dear lord I am so tired I can barely see. But we made the swing we've been talking about for two years yesterday, and it's wonderful.

I told Mama Tuesday, food is like religion. It is neither good or bad. It has no moral value. It just is. The only way you can make it good or bad is through use and interpretation. Calories just are. They exist. I ate food to-day. There's nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, I should probably stop having granny smith apples, because they make my teeth ache like to die.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Nay Nor Woman Neither)
It is SO HOT here I cannot TAKE it any more, and my father is alive through NO ACTIONS OF HIS OWN, and the cat is weeping for indiscernable reasons and my feet hurt and IT'S SO HOT and I am never, never ever making individual cakes for a party of twenty EVER AGAIN, and I don't even KNOW and said party is to-morrow and I am so sick of people coming over and Daddy wants me to clean the house and then SCRUB THE FLOORS as in he literally told me that the floors needed to be scrubbed even though he did them himself LAST WEEK OR NOT EVEN and he's all mad at me for not answering the phone while I was INDIVIDUALLY ICING TWENTY-THREE SMALL CAKES and I am never using this liquor frosting ever again it gets EVERYWHERE and now MAGGIE is crying and I haven't minded the chickens yet although I have fed and watered the other four portions of birds on this farm and I HATE HAY and I've got yellow dye all over my nice white conservation club shirt and I swear to the lord if Maria doesn't shoot some of those guineas soon I will learn to use the .22 myself.

*curls up under the bed*

post scriptum I weighed myself for the first time in two years and I shouldn't have done that also I ripped all my toenails out again and they were just starting to heal up after the last time I HATE EVERYONE &c &c.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Lock the Doors and Call me Yours)
I swear I have cleaned the kitchen at least six times since Maria's friends came to visit. What is it about teenage girls that makes them so awfully messy?

Worked at the church yard sale to-day, very tedious, but I got some nice tins and an Emu Crossing sign for Maria, so that worked out. I need to bake cake for Maria's graduation party--I got her present and card and everything's wrapped, it's not until next weekend, so that's all right. Mostly my life is fairly mundane, although I saved the lives of three poults last week--the other three were crushed to death by their mama. The survivors are named Porthos, Athos, and Aramis, but we won't be able to tell them apart soon.

Quaker got a puncture wound in his shoulder that is over eight inches deep, and we have no idea how, so that's pretty exciting, and by exciting I mean terrible.

Maria was given a bible for her graduation by our priest, which is frustrating because we have explained to the priest on numerous occasions that she is spiritual rather than religious. On the other hand, it's one of those awful "modern translations", and Leviticus and Exodus turn out to be even funnier rendered into faux-modernity. That goes double for the psalms and proverbs.

And I'm fat and I sleep a lot, but I also clean a lot and take care of my fish and the kitten (whose name has gone back to Kirk, Maria MAKE UP YOUR MIND) and make cards and things like that, and I'll get a job when I go back to school if I can, and we're going to Tennessee and I'll visit [livejournal.com profile] mhari, so I guess things are worth it in their own way. Still haven't got an appt. with the psych, still very tired. But life goes on because it has to.
psalm_onethirtyone: (We've Got Magic to Do)
I just think you guys should know that my life is no longer my own.

(I really want this one. I think it would even be cute on me. I love this one too, but I'm a lot more dubious about my ability to wear it.)

On a related note, I feel you should all know about Clyne Management, which, besides having a lot of interesting faces and being a good place to go for possible PBs, has models who are actual real body sizes. Mostly the girls are size eights, but there are nines and tens as well. That is, like, actually human, flist.

...

omg!

Edit: this one wants to come live in my closet. I KNOW IT. Oh God there's only one left and it's a medium, it's my size...! :D :D :D Sigh, why are clothes so expensive when you don't get them second-hand?

Edit 2: I lied, I don't think it's my size. Their sizing chart is weird. And they don't sell anything big enough for me, I don't think--their large is 18 inches waist, which--that sounds really teeny. I shall go cry in a corner now.

Edit 3: OH GOSH BUT THIS FITS. OMG.

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Soujin

January 2012

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