psalm_onethirtyone: (Masterfade)
Dear God, I'm glad that I did all my homework while I was home over the weekend, because I have all of no motivation whatsoever right now, honestly. It's kind of pathetic.

I've been writing lots of little snippets of Sherlock fic--I did a ftm!Sherlock and Mycroft one, and a weird Great Game five things one, neither of which I'm confident about posting, because they're both short and kind of--just things I had rolling around in my head.

Being so sick this week is definitely part of why I'm out of it, but to a degree I'm just having my first depressive cycle of the semester, I think. Bo-ring. Anyway, mostly I'm upset because I like making nice things. It makes me feel like a worthwhile human being when I produce worthwhile things; but lately all I've been doing is flailing around uselessly and the odd bit of rp, and it's just not enough to make me feel like I'm contributing to society.

Pffff. Life is tedious. Also, my paid account ran out and I can't decide whether it's even worth my while to get a new one, given that the only thing I prefer about paid accounts that I actually use is the moar icons feature.

Any time my body decides to cash in on that whole 'unbelievable genius' thing I'm owed as a Person With a Mental Illness, I'll be ready.
psalm_onethirtyone: (The Perfect Pool)
I kind of adore the British. "Untoward mental effects of cannabis" indeed. (That's here if anyone's interested.)

Also: turns out sometimes migraines do make me light sensitive. This is what I look like right now: . Only I don't have the adorable Beelzenef hand puppet/voodoo doll/god. YET. >:D Dohohoho my winter break sewing project.

Seriously, someone can feel free to come give me a hug any time now. >_> I am in "passive-aggressive hiding in my room waiting for someone to PROVE THEY LOVE ME by VISITING ME IN MY pretty princess canopy FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE" mode. I hate that. It's so counterproductive.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Little Breezes Dusk and Shiver)
I really miss my school friends right now. It has to do at least partly with this unholy terror I have that if I'm away from people for too long they'll just forget about me, or they won't want me any more--it's not really logical, it's just one of my biggest anxieties, and it's completely paralysing. Maria's friends are all visiting her over the summer--Lydia's coming next month, as is Elena, and Emily may come after that, and she had Will last week, and later on in the summer she'll visit Will and Elena and Monica.

I got to go see [livejournal.com profile] mhari in May, which was wonderful, but otherwise I'm going to be spending summer alone. Like always. Which, when I was still in high school and didn't really have any friends in the state, wasn't a really big deal, because it was par for the course, I never had any friends that I saw on a daily basis for a whole eight years. But now that I've spent two years of my friends being available almost all the time, I feel really, really emotionally cut off.

It's also wrapped up in the fact that I really like to be able to touch people, or else I feel distanced from them; I like to hold hands, or cuddle, or just be physically close to people, it makes me feel safer. So I don't have anybody for that (Maria is not a touchy-feely person at all), and also I'm just so scared that I'll get back to school and all my friends there will be all 'whatever, who are you, why did we even like you?'

and for some reason I'm having a depressive episode, and I haven't had one of those in about three weeks, so I'm disappointed. And there are some things going wrong with my plans for the summer; I wasn't able to get hired by any of the places I applied, so my summer job is doing odd jobs for a man at church once a week, I've had writer's block since before I came home and my poetry won't come out, so my MS is still at forty-eight pages and I'll never hit the fifty I want before I try to start sending it to publishers, and I'm only going to get rejection letters anyway, and I never have time to go to Selinsgrove to get the things I need to finish my Big Damn Art Project. And then the priest of our church [Daphne] told Mama she would give me an internship so at least I could get something official out of the summer, but she kind of reneged on that. She's giving me the connexions to meet some people, but nothing really official, and she refuses to believe I'm serious about wanting to go into the priesthood; she keeps referring to it as "[Soujin]'s discernment process" where I decide "whether she really does want to go into religion or not". I know that I want to do this. I really hate talking about it in these terms, because it feels all faux-spiritual and pretentious, but I really do feel called to do this. It feels like I'm finally making the right decision. And even if it's true that kids my age usually change their minds about their career plans and whatnot, it's still at least polite to pretend to believe me when I say this is what I want to do. It really upsets me.

And I feel like Mama's disappointed in me for not being proactive enough, but any time I have to interact with Daphne I just end up feeling so disappointed and depressed that I don't really want her help. I wish so much that I had a spiritual counsellor who didn't make me upset. I'm meeting with her husband Ed to-morrow, who was a spiritual counsellor (and is a retired priest) at Penn State for years and years, and hoping that since he's an actual human being and not an alien ambassador from planet Daphne we will possibly be able to communicate in a way that does not make me miserable, cross my fingers. I just. I want to learn how to organise a fundraiser and run a vacation bible school and pick out the week's hymns and connect the readings together with the season and current events into a big thick woven sermon. I want to learn from someone who loves God and loves the earthly church, too, someone who visits sick people and helps make prayer shawls and runs the book club and teaches Sunday school because that person wants to, but whenever I talk to Daphne she talks like it's all a huge burden that God's placed upon her and she's only doing it because she knows it's the right thing to do. I don't want to learn from someone who feels that way. I want to learn from someone who loves it.

And I want the sink to start working again and the smell of turpentine to go away and for my heart to stop hurting, and I wouldn't mind if only one of those things happened. It just feels like too much of a buildup.

Also, I have to drive to Duncannon to-morrow morning to see the doctor for my physical for my visa for Greece, and that just reminds me how scared I am to go to Greece and how maybe it's not such a good idea and I won't know anyone and my depression will come back and I won't have anyone to reach out to, and my friends will definitely forget me and I won't be able to connect to people because I'm a stranger and the wrong nationality and I'll fail all my classes or I won't be able to get the classes I need to graduate and it's going to be expensive and maybe I should just stay home-- and then I start to have a panic attack. I want to go, but I'm scared.

And really, really lonely. >_<

tl;dr Soujin is a whiny emo kid with hell of anxiety disorder, hi.
psalm_onethirtyone: (McCoy in the House Bitches)
well, i'm sick. yay. i have an 8 page paper on human nature, a presentation on sociobiological factors in gender, and four exams, not to mention more editing on my 15 page research paper.

gonna go throw up again and cry.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Lovey & Me)
I have two problems right now.

1. I am just--idk. Miserable? Emotionally unstable like I don't even know? I am miserable. I cannot sustain a mood for longer than an hour and haven't been this whole week. It is scary and makes me feel nauseous and out of control.

2. This is Theophilus. He is also a problem, because he's been at the shelter for a rather long time now, inexplicably, and he is running out of time. He spent an hour in my arms to-day just cuddling. He is fixed and his claws in front are nice and trimmed. He is the only cat at the shelter without eye problems, and his coat is soft and silky. He's a year old. He likes to be petted.

I am not sure how to convince my parents that Theophilus should come to live with us.

Here are some more pictures of Theophilus: )
psalm_onethirtyone: (Everyone is Fond of Owls)
The internet is lagging like a bitch; my bicycle has been vandalised again (again!); it is still hell of cold; I have a paper to write by Tuesday that any other time I'd be thrilled about but which is totally uninspiring right now; I have volunteer work to do to-night that is going to require walking back to campus at 10:00 in the dark and the cold; THAT WOMAN is visiting this weekend so I can't hang out with all of my friends; THAT BOY is screwing with me again goddammit I have never met anyone who blew hot and cold so irritatingly and unhelpfully; Jake is squicking me out again I wish we had never met; I have a ridiculous quantity of homework and the girl from my philosophy class borrowed my notes and hasn't given them back yet--

in short, flist, I am feeling VERY SULKY to-day and wish everything would just go away. AWAY I SAY. Fffff.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Window)
o hai depression. you know, we got a box of sheep to-day. you'd think you could be grateful and leave me alone for a little while.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Just Clothe Me in a Blur)
I actually don't know anyone who's had a good day to-day.

Also, I foresee spending the majority of to-morrow apologising to people I snapped at to-day. God. I am so strung-out and angry and sad all the time. All I have done this evening is cry and be mean to people I like.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Try Again To-morrow)
...So I get up this morning and I'm in a little bit of a hurry because I have to go into town and get some stuff done as well as refill my prescription for my nighttime pill, and I have a massive pile of homework, so I wolf my breakfast and grab my morning pill and take and then dash out and hop on my bike.

Fast-forward about three hours and I'm back in my room with all my shopping done, and I go to put my new nighttime pills into my little daily pill taker (I swear I would not remember to take anything if I did not have this thing) and I notice that my morning pill is still in the Saturday box.

...


Yeah, I took my nighttime pill this morning. Which explains a) why I was so dizzy to-day while I was bicycling around (the withdrawal effects start immediately), b) why I had a headache when I woke up but it's gone now (my nighttime pill is also a migraine med), and c) why I am so sleepy now.

Dammit. I STILL HAVE TO DO ALL MY HOMEWORK I CANNOT GO BACK TO BED. >_<

Feeling extremely sulky to-day.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Gotta Surface Soon)
I feel like I'm dying. I don't even know. Is this just normal up and down and I should wait for it to pass, or do I need to make some serious changes in my medication or somewhere? I have no idea. I just know that my whole body feels like it's dying.

Also Shawn told Katie that he thinks I make all this up for attention, and that shouldn't bother me, because Shawn is an idiot, but oh God it makes me feel so bad. It makes me feel completely filthy. Monday I went to the vertebrate zoology lab and just cried with the snakes and told them how lonely and guilty and miserable I am, and they were sleek and perfect and didn't answer.

And I'm about to be late again for class for about the sixth time this week. And my back has--not been treated gently throughout this, I have not been kind, but I want so much for some of this poison to seep out somewhere and I don't know of any other way.

Even the fact that I think Sean likes me and I know I like him isn't helping. I'm afraid he'll find all of this out about me and change his mind. It's easy to say, "People who really love you/matter won't be put off," but people who really love you have time to know you as who you are before they find out about how you're broken, and I don't know how much time is enough time for that.

All of this is too much right now.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Just Clothe Me in a Blur)
What if nobody ever thinks I'm beautiful? What if nobody ever falls in love with me?

I am so scared.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Mine has SPACE PRIESTS)
Well, I have no idea what to do with my life, for the record.

I'm still doing med school prerequisites, and working on my religion major, and actually planning my senior thesis, which I am really psyched about, but I have no idea what kind of career I want and whether I should still bother trying to get into med school, after the disaster of my internship.

And I think maybe the Depakote is making me more depressed. I don't know whether that's unreasonable or not; I just feel like I've been sadder lately. But maybe that's just me. I wish I knew.

I go from being really happy to kind of wanting to find a quiet place to cry, which is where I am now. But I'm also reading about saints, which I think is cool and I really like, so maybe I just need to go and hide somewhere with my saints book and see if that helps.

I wish I didn't feel so weird and inconclusive.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Gotta Surface Soon)
In brief:

To everyone's surprise, Natalie is not the one who's pregnant. The honour goes to Val, Daniel's long-time girlfriend. They're getting married. I'll be an aunt.

My grandfather is dying. He has inoperable cancer; we can't tell him because he won't remember. Mama said we'll be lucky if he lives to his ninetieth birthday in December.

I'm giving blood on Tuesday and God, I need this so bad.

I'm serving Eucharist at church to-morrow and should really be in bed right now, especially given that I haven't taken my antipsychotic mood stabiliser* yet and it will put me out for about ten hours.

*not that I'm bitter

I have got to get out of here, things have got to even up, the natural order of things is still natural but I'm losing my ability to handle it anyway. Oh, God, I wish it were a different day. I don't know how to face church right now.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Nay Nor Woman Neither)
It is SO HOT here I cannot TAKE it any more, and my father is alive through NO ACTIONS OF HIS OWN, and the cat is weeping for indiscernable reasons and my feet hurt and IT'S SO HOT and I am never, never ever making individual cakes for a party of twenty EVER AGAIN, and I don't even KNOW and said party is to-morrow and I am so sick of people coming over and Daddy wants me to clean the house and then SCRUB THE FLOORS as in he literally told me that the floors needed to be scrubbed even though he did them himself LAST WEEK OR NOT EVEN and he's all mad at me for not answering the phone while I was INDIVIDUALLY ICING TWENTY-THREE SMALL CAKES and I am never using this liquor frosting ever again it gets EVERYWHERE and now MAGGIE is crying and I haven't minded the chickens yet although I have fed and watered the other four portions of birds on this farm and I HATE HAY and I've got yellow dye all over my nice white conservation club shirt and I swear to the lord if Maria doesn't shoot some of those guineas soon I will learn to use the .22 myself.

*curls up under the bed*

post scriptum I weighed myself for the first time in two years and I shouldn't have done that also I ripped all my toenails out again and they were just starting to heal up after the last time I HATE EVERYONE &c &c.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Therefore Be Free)
Maybe it's just the existential angst, but this strip made me cry.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Red-Letter Day of Wishing)
Things carry on apace--yesterday I cleaned the refrigerator, which was very soothing, just the sensation of throwing away things that were no longer of any value, and wiping everything clean--my sponge cutting white swaths of plastic through the vast expanse of icky. Then I used Maria's magnetic poetry to write "raw steak on dishes or you will not live," because most of the icky was long-congealed blood that I know came from letting meat thaw in there with nothing under it to catch the blood.

Lily broke her leg at the hip and had to be put down, and we are pretty sure Sandy is next. Mama is taking it surprisingly well so far. I do not know. (It is scary to me to think that two days ago we had a huge living animal in our pasture and now it is under the ground--I shouldn't find the transience of life so strange, but I guess that when I was working at the nursing home I could see that my beautiful people were old and sick, and Lily, you couldn't really tell with Lily. She looked so strong (& was very soft). Sandy is so clearly fragile that the prospect of his death makes sense.)

And to-morrow we're going to Selinsgrove and Newport and getting the church ready for Christmas. Sunday our family comes from Tennessee. (Mama has been joking that she will need to start taking my anxiety meds once Daddy's family comes to visit. I am hoping to spend the majority of that day in my room if at all possible.) Which is exciting; everybody likes Mama's family.

I don't think I articulate as well as I used to. I don't think words fit together as nicely as before. I don't like the way I write. I'm happy at home, but I still don't really like me.

That, and I'm really tired. And sick. My throat hurts so bad and I can't get warm.

I am extremely unsatisfied with everything I do.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Just Clothe Me in a Blur)
...On the grounds that last week there was a lot less intersection of scissors with parts of my body, I have decided to start taking the nighttime pill again. Even if I do hate it.

...And on a college note, it is really comforting to know that, when you realise that you are utterly miserable (and bleeding everywhere) at three in the morning, there is always a friend down the hall who is still awake and will let you cry all over her. Michelle hugs good.

I wish I was not so pathetic. I really am tired of being like this.
psalm_onethirtyone: (It's a Little Sad To-Night)
Hi, this is [livejournal.com profile] mhari, hijacking Soujin's journal with permission.

For those of you who are on her flist but not mine: she is currently inpatient at the hospital. She expects to be out within the week, but has no computer and limited phone access while she's in.

/end PSA
psalm_onethirtyone: (Let's Pick Each Other Up)
Having an existential crisis. You know what sucks about depression? You can't turn it off when everybody gets bored with you. You know they're fed up with dealing, and you still can't make it go away and go back to being normal and healthy. The psych offered to let me go inpatient at the hospital. I really don't have time to do that, but I wish I could.

I think I am going to go to do laundry now.

Oh, and a meme:

Pick one or more of my characters and one or more of yours, and I'll tell you something they've always wanted to say to your character but could never bring themselves to say out loud.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Gotta Surface Soon)
I think it's ill with me.

Very, very ill.

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psalm_onethirtyone: (Default)
Soujin

January 2012

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