psalm_onethirtyone: (Cascade Pond)
So. I finally finished the religion/history paper that was bringing about my doom, and now it's time to start the contemporary religion paper that is going to be the doom of the next few weeks. Delightful! I met with the professor about the first paper, and she essentially told me that I was choking on writing it because I was overprepared. And then when I said I was a neurotic overachiever she agreed. XD So there's that.

It's hard to believe that in fewer than six weeks my poetry study will be over. It's basically one of the best things I've ever done, and I'm... I don't want to stop. The professor who's doing that with me loves dogs and poetry, so I'm buying him a copy of Sharon Creech's Love That Dog as a thank-you gift.

Last Sunday I did the hive consolidation for our bees essentially on my own (there was a sophomore assisting me, but she kind of stood thirty feet away the whole time). That was really exciting and it felt really cool to be doing something like that, to be responsible... I got stung nine times, once on the back of the neck, and I'm not dead! That was exciting too. Only I didn't have the guts to pinch the queen, so I put her in a tupperware and when she died I gave her to the entomology professor.

Maria has decided that she wants to be an entomologist. I think it's really cool; I also think it's a job where she can do stuff that's both academic and intellectually stimulating, and lots of fieldwork and stuff that's hands-on. I think she'd be bored and miserable in an office or at a teaching job, but entomology has lots of practical application and also bees. AWESOME. I'm really proud of her.

I applied for the intercollegiate honours society yesterday, which was torture -- with the application in front of me I couldn't think of a single noteworthy thing I'd ever done. >_> Luckily it's sent off and I never have to look at it again, and I don't really care if I get in -- I only applied because Daddy really wanted me to.

My mama called me on Monday night to tell me that my cat, Calico, was hit on the road and killed. She was thirteen, so I am torn between 'well she lived a long full life' and 'but I've had her since I was a wee kid!'. I told Maria that I was sad that she'd never get to bite me again (she was also the meanest, nastiest cat in existence), and Maria said she was probably in purgatory, biting the sinners. It's an amazingly comforting image. Callie would have no place in heaven. Mama said that to replace her I can have one of the kittens in the barn, so I'm looking forward to trying to catch one of them to tame. Actually, I'll be catching all of them if I can, because I think she wants to try and tame one for my cousin Johanna, who's decided she really wants a DLH for Christmas (although Johanna wants her DLH to have a smush-face, which I think is kind of ugly, and these kitties don't have them).

On Monday I'll be sitting on a panel to raise awareness for invisible illnesses, discussing bipolar disorder! That's pretty cool.

I also finally got paid by the church, so I'll be able to pay the guy who did the photography and digital editing for my picture book, which is a relief, because I feel like the worst client ever right now. >_> He asked about payment two weeks ago and I had to tell him that I hadn't got the money yet. The editing is almost done; right now I'm working on putting the individual pieces together into pages, which is harder than I thought it would be. I only have three done.

I've been watching a hilarious Let's Play of Silent Hill 4 lately, which is pretty much my only "fun" outlet besides RP. Oh, school.

So that's all the content of the last month, I think. Now I'll go back to posting contextless poetry and stupid Tweets about religion films (another one to-morrow! :D).
psalm_onethirtyone: (McCoy in the House Bitches)
The psychiatrist messed up my prescription again, which means I am once more living on the pharmacy's charity while I wait for her to be back in her office again. This is one of the most intensely frustrating recurring experiences of my life, because it is so hard for me to get to the pharmacy in the first place, and then having everything be wrong when I get there is hard, and trying to work out what the actual problem is--

She sent in my old prescription, not my new one, so they filled the prescription I was getting in the middle, which will... give me enough medicine for a week, after which I will have to go and pay ALL OVER AGAIN to get my new prescription filled, so I'll be paying for the same scrip twice, in essence, and there's nothing I can do about that because the insurance company will no longer pay for my old prescription and the pharmacy isn't authorised to front me this medicine -- unlike my migraine med, which they did front me, because I forgot to check my scrip and so didn't notice that I had no refills left, so that at least was entirely my fault. That doesn't make me mad, because it was me being careless that made it happen. But when it's the psychiatrist's fault, I just get so upset because she should know how important it is that I actually take my medicine on time and such.

The last time this happened, she sent my prescription in to a pharmacy I don't even use, and when I called her panicking because my pharmacy didn't have my scrip she said it must be my fault and i was doing something wrong.

I just. She is the only person at the school's health and wellness programme who has ever failed me so consistently and seriously, and she's one of the few people I will be glad never to see again when I graduate. Eugh.

ANYWAY. No more complaining. Remember that my fundraiser for [ profile] raanve is still going on! Share with your friends!
psalm_onethirtyone: (Annie with Red Hair)
I. have. meds.

This is technically my third day without them, as they did not show up in the mail until to-night, but although I have been dizzy and nauseated since Thursday, and to-day I barely made it through the family reunion because I had to go and hide on a couch somewhere and have fever dreams and try not to throw up, THAT IS ALL MOOT, because I took them this evening and I will take them to-morrow and hopefully that will prevent me from driving intro a tree on my way to work. :D Which would be good.

My paid account appears to have expired again. Pfffft. I would renew it, except I have spent literally two-hundred dollars on pills and gas money over the last week.

I am looking forward to sleeping to-night without the incredibly disturbing dream track. The last few nights and days have been really. Cut for triggery stuff, actually ) So yeah, I'd like things to go back to normal.

Also, just not getting so dizzy I can't see every time I move too fast will be nice. :D
psalm_onethirtyone: (Mycroftian Horrors)
NOT in a very good frame of mind.

I called the insurance company this morning, and honestly the lady was very nice -- she called down to the pre-auth dept. to figure out why I still didn't have my meds, and figured out that it's because my (3) 75 mg caps a day (i.e. one prescription) are more expensive to the insurance company than (1) 150 mg and (1) 75 mg caps a day (two prescriptions, so more expensive for me personally). Which they didn't TELL ME, of course, they just refused to authorise my scrip for over a week.

Soooo she also found out that it would be about thirty dollars cheaper to do my meds through mail-order, so she gave me the number to have my doctor fax and gave me all the info for that, so I called Dr. C and got that arranged, BUT that means I don't get those in the mail for another eight days, even if they're marked urgent. That means I still have to pay out of pocket for the meds to cover me for that time period.

So theoretically I need to do that to-day, but I'm almost too depressed. x___x

However, I also have to go into town to xerox forms for my insurance claim for the x-rays I had in April, so I'll be there anyway, so I'll probably stop by the pharmacy and sell my soul while I'm in the vicinity. To soothe my wounded sense of justice, I am making my fourth batch of cupcakes, which I will give to the library ladies, I figure.

Anyway, I can't leave until my cupcakes finish and I repackage the pork from the butcher's into smaller portions for the freezer. Daddy says I can use the chicken scale if I can find it.

If I really were Mycroft Holmes, right now I would be having everyone deported left and right. Seriously. Argh.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Disappointed)
So I'm sure everyone is desperately interested in hearing the continuation of the Saga of the Insurance Company from Hell (yes, you are).

Yesterday my doctor told me that she had called the insurance company again and faxed them being all URGENT URGENT MY PATIENT IS DYING PLZ SEND HER HER MEDS, and she assured me, when I phoned, that they had told her I would be authorised to have them within twenty-four hours. So this morning I ran to the pharmacy, because I'm out again.

Where the pharmacist told me, as nicely as possible, that the insurance company had NOT authorised my scrip and everyone was now out for the weekend, so it was unlikely I would be authorised until Tuesday. He also suggested that I call the insurance company and grovel to them on Tuesday. In the meantime, I could buy some meds out of pocket.

Now, because the pill I'm taking does not come in 225 mg caps, which is the dose I take, I have to take three 75 mg caps every day. Which means in order to get by until Tuesday, I had to buy twelve caps instead of four. And because Mama is broke right now, I paid for them with my birthday money. ;___; Which is just a minor complaint, honestly, because at least I have money, but I am whinging because I wanted to get art supplies with it.

So my plan is to call the insurance company on Tuesday. Yayyy! In the meantime, I have incredibly expensive medication, and a twelve-hour shift at work to-morrow.

On the PLUS SIDE, Maria and Mama and I went clothes shopping to-day and I managed to find two pairs of jeans that fit, as well as a really cute denim skirt and even a pair of shorts (which is disguised to look like a skirt, which suits me just fine). Which is great, since usually the fact that I am shaped exactly like a hobbit makes clothes shopping a fairly traumatic experience. I also made cupcakes for a party to-morrow that I will not get to go to, but they turned out really nicely! Even though I burnt my hands, bleh.

Yeah. If it weren't for this insurance thing, my life would be going pretty nicely overall.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Little Breezes Dusk and Shiver)
I really miss my school friends right now. It has to do at least partly with this unholy terror I have that if I'm away from people for too long they'll just forget about me, or they won't want me any more--it's not really logical, it's just one of my biggest anxieties, and it's completely paralysing. Maria's friends are all visiting her over the summer--Lydia's coming next month, as is Elena, and Emily may come after that, and she had Will last week, and later on in the summer she'll visit Will and Elena and Monica.

I got to go see [ profile] mhari in May, which was wonderful, but otherwise I'm going to be spending summer alone. Like always. Which, when I was still in high school and didn't really have any friends in the state, wasn't a really big deal, because it was par for the course, I never had any friends that I saw on a daily basis for a whole eight years. But now that I've spent two years of my friends being available almost all the time, I feel really, really emotionally cut off.

It's also wrapped up in the fact that I really like to be able to touch people, or else I feel distanced from them; I like to hold hands, or cuddle, or just be physically close to people, it makes me feel safer. So I don't have anybody for that (Maria is not a touchy-feely person at all), and also I'm just so scared that I'll get back to school and all my friends there will be all 'whatever, who are you, why did we even like you?'

and for some reason I'm having a depressive episode, and I haven't had one of those in about three weeks, so I'm disappointed. And there are some things going wrong with my plans for the summer; I wasn't able to get hired by any of the places I applied, so my summer job is doing odd jobs for a man at church once a week, I've had writer's block since before I came home and my poetry won't come out, so my MS is still at forty-eight pages and I'll never hit the fifty I want before I try to start sending it to publishers, and I'm only going to get rejection letters anyway, and I never have time to go to Selinsgrove to get the things I need to finish my Big Damn Art Project. And then the priest of our church [Daphne] told Mama she would give me an internship so at least I could get something official out of the summer, but she kind of reneged on that. She's giving me the connexions to meet some people, but nothing really official, and she refuses to believe I'm serious about wanting to go into the priesthood; she keeps referring to it as "[Soujin]'s discernment process" where I decide "whether she really does want to go into religion or not". I know that I want to do this. I really hate talking about it in these terms, because it feels all faux-spiritual and pretentious, but I really do feel called to do this. It feels like I'm finally making the right decision. And even if it's true that kids my age usually change their minds about their career plans and whatnot, it's still at least polite to pretend to believe me when I say this is what I want to do. It really upsets me.

And I feel like Mama's disappointed in me for not being proactive enough, but any time I have to interact with Daphne I just end up feeling so disappointed and depressed that I don't really want her help. I wish so much that I had a spiritual counsellor who didn't make me upset. I'm meeting with her husband Ed to-morrow, who was a spiritual counsellor (and is a retired priest) at Penn State for years and years, and hoping that since he's an actual human being and not an alien ambassador from planet Daphne we will possibly be able to communicate in a way that does not make me miserable, cross my fingers. I just. I want to learn how to organise a fundraiser and run a vacation bible school and pick out the week's hymns and connect the readings together with the season and current events into a big thick woven sermon. I want to learn from someone who loves God and loves the earthly church, too, someone who visits sick people and helps make prayer shawls and runs the book club and teaches Sunday school because that person wants to, but whenever I talk to Daphne she talks like it's all a huge burden that God's placed upon her and she's only doing it because she knows it's the right thing to do. I don't want to learn from someone who feels that way. I want to learn from someone who loves it.

And I want the sink to start working again and the smell of turpentine to go away and for my heart to stop hurting, and I wouldn't mind if only one of those things happened. It just feels like too much of a buildup.

Also, I have to drive to Duncannon to-morrow morning to see the doctor for my physical for my visa for Greece, and that just reminds me how scared I am to go to Greece and how maybe it's not such a good idea and I won't know anyone and my depression will come back and I won't have anyone to reach out to, and my friends will definitely forget me and I won't be able to connect to people because I'm a stranger and the wrong nationality and I'll fail all my classes or I won't be able to get the classes I need to graduate and it's going to be expensive and maybe I should just stay home-- and then I start to have a panic attack. I want to go, but I'm scared.

And really, really lonely. >_<

tl;dr Soujin is a whiny emo kid with hell of anxiety disorder, hi.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Clock Sheep!)
...Guys? My paid account just expired and for some reason I only have five icons available instead of the usual fifteen. I'm a little bemused.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Clock Sheep!)
Dear Livejournal,

On the subject of your e-mail to me about my paid account expiring: it would be easier for this not to happen if you accepted Paypal accounts backed with a bank account instead of a credit card. Just sayin'.

psalm_onethirtyone: (Slightly Confuzzled - Holly Brook)
Livejournal is about to steal back my paid account again. Fff I cannot keep track of this stuff (nor can I, to be frank, afford it). I really need to buy a permanent account next time they offer those, because I've had this silly thing for six years now and it's been paid most of that time.

In other news, I dropped bio II, and already feel more like a human being. I've spent the afternoon so far relentlessly organising my life: I got the A.W.o.L. account updated (I'm the secretary) (it took three times, argh the appserver confuses me); made a masterlist of doctors/addresses/contact information for shadowing for my rural healthcare rotations class and have already contacted two; finished part one of my o.chem homework and sent it in; forced the jdrive to work and submitted my work for that; got a SHOWER; dropped my forms off at the registrar's; went to Weis to withdraw my last ten dollars so I can buy a train ticket home on Saturday; sent in my community service form; cleared off my desk; organised my pillbox.

Now I need to: recycle; do part two of my o.chem homework; contact the other eight doctors on my list (which will be phone calls rather than e-mails, bleh); do my religion homework.

I also need to e-mail Phil and see if he wants to go to dinner. And I was thinking I might e-mail Sean (the boy who invited me to watch Firefly with him/see his X-men comics) and ask if he wants to have lunch together some time. I am not really the person who makes the moves in most of my relationships, but, uh, I do really like him, so I figure I might as well go ahead and try to be proactive.

To-morrow I see the doctor (FFFFF) and the psychiatrist, and presumably have my blood taken for bloodwork. Also it's the first A.W.o.L. meeting of the semester. Oh, and I'm going to dye my hair again, I'm bored with this colour of red. Thursday I am going for EMS training. Friday I meet with Dr. Reingold. I think that's all the important stuff. I can breathe now! I think.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Dye My Eyes and Call Me Pretty)
How to Be Disappointed: A Handy Guide.

-->Go to store
Went to store!

-->Do you have a giftcard?

-->Find a store with cute dresses
Wet Seal! Oooh, I've never been in a Wet Seal before. Oooh!

-->Find cute dress
Oooh, it's denim!

-->Find fitting room
Whyyy to employees in clothing stores always make you feel so awkward about using the fitting room, anyway?

-->Is dress one size too small? Dammit. )

How to be Gratified: Guide 2

-->Go to second-hand shop
I love the second-hand shop!

-->Do they have cute denim dress very similar to dress in chain clothing store?

-->Inspect price sticker
...Ten dollars.

-->Run gleefully out of store with new dress

And I'm not really out that much for the other one, it's just. I have never payed twenty-five dollars for a dress before. >_< It seems really kind of awful. But! I got a skirt that looks like origami at the second-hand shop for two dollars, so ha. And I also got, um, some new horror movies that I don't need. >_> Um. And the store also had Black Sheep, which I have been dying for for-ever (IT'S A HORROR MOVIE! WITH SHEEP! It's basically the movie version of what would happen if all my stuffed sheep on my bed ever came alive and decided they hated me! I really, really want it), but it was a new copy instead of used and cost fifteen dollars.

To-morrow I am going to Boston! And on Friday through August 3 I will be with [ profile] mhari. Wheeee!
psalm_onethirtyone: (Hear that Meta?)
Riddle me this, Batflist. Why is every volume of X-Men: Evolutions available on at a reasonable price except Volume 2, Season 1?

Shppfff. Way to make my life hard, internets.
psalm_onethirtyone: (You Done Good)
a handful of stuff:

Teeny Tiny Old Hospice Patient: [proudly] That's my grandson's picture! He's a teacher. He has nine autistic kids right now.
Hospice Nurse: [to Soujin, kindly, under her breath] She means artistic.

why do teenage boys smell so funny? I've changed my mind, I'm not bi, I'm a lesbian. ick. and he changed HIS mind, so I didn't get to see a cryo treatment yesterday.

took the pink pill. turns out the rabbit hole is full of sleep.

[ profile] petitmorte wtf kill me.

got my first parking ticket yesterday, did NOT have a nervous breakdown, did NOT cry on the police officer, really pleased about that. of course, still have to pay the ticket. not crying means they don't decide to waive the fine.

secretary called me up to hospice to-day: hey, nancy, dr. [soujin] is here from afp. that was kind of an ego-booster, let's be honest.

One Week's Shadow )
psalm_onethirtyone: (Try Again To-morrow)

OKAY. SO. To-day I had an exam, to-morrow I have an exam, Thursday, Saturday, and Monday I have an exam. Friday I have a formal breakfast and I have to get up at around five-thirty for it. Somewhere in here I need to submit my non-credit internship request. MY INTERNSHIP STARTS ON THE THIRTEENTH. AHHH. I don't even have a place to live yet. I don't even get home until the eleventh. AHHH.

THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO AHHH. I still need to finish packing, and I have so much studying left, and AHHHHH. And Professor Miller just assigned four short essays due Thursday because he HATES ME AHHHH. And Wednesday I won't get any studying done because I have a dinner to do to at four that will doubtless last into the night because it did last semester too AHHHHHHH.

Oh God oh God I'm going to die. X____X I just got my bank account FAIL worked out (I managed to overdraw, because the UCBH held onto my cheques for TWO MONTHS before they cashed them and the bank charged me SIXTY-TWO DOLLARS in overdraft fees and AHHH).

BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE MY O.CHEM EXAM WENT REALLY WELL. And the lady at the coffee store in VonLiebig bought me a drink for taking it. <3 Which was really nice, since, you know, I think I did WELL as opposed to coming out of it half-dead. And now I have delicious orange Gatorade (it has electrolytes! they're what plants crave!). And I need to take a shower and study for my short story exam to-morrow and get this religion stuff worked out and AHHHH.

psalm_onethirtyone: (Our Lesson)
I really do not like April.

I'm not angry any more, but now I'm weepy and anxious and depressed; I keep cycling around from feeling sort of okay again to feeling awful, and bursting into tears for no apparent reason; and I had several meetings/talks with professors to-day and came away from all of them feeling like an idiot and wishing I hadn't said anything. I probably wasn't an idiot, but I feel like everything I said was stupid or pretentious or made me sound like I thought I was better than other students, and I don't (I told Dr. Reingold about how some of the other folks in my sosh class started the twelve-page research paper the day before it was due, and how I just can't do that because I get too stressed out, so I'd done mine about three weeks earlier, and then I realised that made me sound like I was saying I was better because I got my work done early, and that's not how I meant to sound).

Serena and I had dinner together on the quad and we met Steph, and she was all dressed up and looked so cute--I like this warmer weather because all the girls like to go out walking in these really cute clothes and they're so pretty. And Serena invited me to Mayfest to-morrow and we are thinking maybe we'll bicycle to the Peace Chapel on Sunday, which sounds really nice.

Maria's turkeys hatched out seven poults but three are dead, and the pigs are growing really quick. She came up to visit on Thursday and we went to Boxer's for lunch, which was nice: I think the people who run it are very sensitive to the fact that this is a college town, because it's incredibly good food but it costs very little, and we were able to eat for thirteen dollars, which was wonderful. I'm all out of money for food so right now I'm sponging off people whose meal plans were more extensive than mine. Serena has a lot of meals left and doesn't mind (she says) spending them on me, and I'm grateful. She's going to come home with us after finals and spend a few days in Oriental before she goes home, because she's transferring out after this semester and going to Indiana, which is a real shame. Anyway she wanted to meet the Quaker and get to hang out with our family one last time because everybody adores her.

I have a terrible headache and a lot of homework although most of it is reading (Heart of Darkness is due on Tuesday, O God). Actually I think less homework than I have been telling myself, mostly because I am having one of the sustained anxiety attacks that last over several days and make everything terrifying and stressful. Also the other day when I was having lunch I decided to get ice cream and I passed my sociology professor and she was all "omg what an enormous bowl of ice cream you have there!" and I have been feeling fat and losery ever since. >_< So--I don't know, I'll blame it on April.

I think I need some time for myself.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Sugar Magnolia (Sweet Blossom Come On))
La la la this.

Livejournal be stealin mah paid account, which is annoying, because we are currently in a negative monied period. On the other hand, we do have a horse and spring waggon now, and that's nifty--it is coming home on Thursday with us in it, if we can beat the Quaker into submission. He is kind of dreadful. He stares at me with his creepy eye and tries to eat the buttons off my trousers. And his lips are incredibly flexible and come after you almost independent of the rest of his face and OH GOD THE HORROR etc.

One of the turkey hens is ripped up--we discovered it on Sunday and she's been moved to solitary confinement, which means she's dying. Flock birds are miserable by themselves. She sits by the wall where she can hear the others and cries. Problem is because of her side being all bloody she looks different, so the others beat her up if she's in with them.

We are working on our Operation Opossum, in which we are going lovingly to place a possum in the mailbox of our pastor, because she is evil, and because it is the funniest damn crime that has ever been reported in the Record, with the exception maybe of the time somebody smeared a green bell pepper all over someone's car, what the HELL, Perry County, your idea of crime is absolutely embarrassing. And yet deeply, deeply entertaining. Maria suggests we put a tag on it that says 'Welcome to Perry County'. Daddy is completely horrified by the whole plan, but Mama laughs in a mildly encouraging manner whenever Maria brings it up, so you never know. A rash of random possum mailboxings may spring up all over Central Pennsylvania. Maybe it will inspire our pastor to write a good sermon. Maybe it will inspire her actually to GIVE the sermon, instead of letting her horrible allow-me-to-use-the-New-Testament-as-a-vehicle-for-my-Old-Testament-hellfire-and-brimstone-belief-pattern-by-the-way-everyone-is-evil-except-Christians husband do it. Who knows...!

Otherwise, random irrational depressive episodes interspersed with pretty steady mood. So overall I would say that's good.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Horatio was Just Waiting for Fortinbras)
It's cold! she announced. And that was the truth.

I may have to declare bankruptcy, seeing as the government has not given me my tax refund and that is all the money I have left in the world to count on; but in the meantime I indulged myself very, very badly and used the change from the money Daddy gave me to do the groceries to buy a stuffed sheep, which brings me up to around Far Too Many; but she was SO beautiful and her name is Nadya Yurisheva, and I couldn't help it. I'll try to pay him back when I get my refund, assuming I do get it. Sigh, it is tough to be an addict.

Natalie and Rebecca are coming for a visit on I believe Saturday, which is v. exciting. We are going to have duck--there is a little Amish farm around Weaver's that sells the ducks they raise for really a quite inexpensive price, so Mama bought a seven-pounder. Maria and Daddy are fighting (not badly) over how it should be cooked.

In the meantime, I have been doing rather well with productivity. I got all the groceries we needed, including the milk, which I ended up having to pay for myself with my last pathetic little five-dollar bill, and got the paper, and then managed to do most of the work I needed to do here so far. I got up this morning at nine, which is unfair (my insomnia is still in effect), but that's all right. Must do maths and Latin when I get home; Latin is Croesus. We even had time to take the dogs for a walk before Mama and Maria left for Selinsgrove, and Maggie tried to drown herself in the Mahantango. <3 We saw wild turkeys! and I saw a hawk when I was driving back from Newport.

Everything is so beautiful, you understand. It's cold, but the world is beautiful, and I'm happy most of the time. I feel like a bit of green bud on a dogwood. Also, there is nothing lovelier than the wind on the holly and spruce when the light is gilding them also; it's like gold on water, except the water is alive. It's even better when you can watch it without being out in it.


psalm_onethirtyone: (Default)

January 2012

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