I'm beginning to feel tentatively more optimistic, although the last few weeks have made me somewhat cautious of that feeling and my brain doesn't exactly know if it should relax yet (answer: NO. NEVER RELAX).
My schedule for senior year had me in a complete panic, but then I thought, "Look, every time I see my advisor, not only does he treat me like a person who has just as much likelihood of having a life and career as someone without
a mental illness, he also tends to have an excellent objective perspective and is really good at sorting out the tangles I wind myself into". So I met with him to-day, and lo and behold in an hour he had neatly pointed out the problems I created and helped me fix them. The only thing we couldn't do was find the final upper-level credit required for me to graduate, and he solved that by creating an independent study just for me. It just so happens to be something he's fascinated by and wants to study more, too. :D :D :D
Something that I just-- I don't even know how to word it, but it makes me feel so calm and secure when I'm explaining a problem to him, because people tend to tell me, "Look, you can be someone, but first you have to be well," and that panics me, because I'm not sure that I ever will be. Inevitably, he acts like it doesn't matter if I'm sick or well--the only issue is finding ways to make life make concessions to my illness, and not vice-versa. And that is just so unbelievably reassuring to me that I can't believe it. He makes me feel like no matter what, the things I want to do are possible.
Anxiety too bad to let you go abroad for a semester? Easy! Go abroad on a shorter, two-week, class trip with a professor and students you already know. You get the abroad experience and you'll have a responsible adult to help you do self-checks mentally.
Not possible to take an extra semester to graduate? Easy! Drop this course and this course, you don't actually need them, sub in this one-credit course, and I'll make you an independent study! Good to go.
Might have to take some time off to go to the hospital? Easy! Be here when you get back.
He just does
this, and I don't feel like I'm imposing because he always acts like it's totally a normal part of the trajectory of life and there's nothing out of the ordinary about any of these things, and it just absolutely kills me. But in a good way. Having this man for an advisor was one of the best choices I ever made here, for sure.
In other news, I slept over with the_chloroplast
last night, and it was really nice. We watched bad films and Arielle played Prince of Persia and made fun of it hilariously. Also, Liz asked me to dinner to-night; and I had an hour and a half long talk on Skype with Jen. I am still feeling really ginger around my friends, and fairly nervous, but they are really great friends, and I'm really fortunate, and I hope that will help me to relax soon.
Also, I am going to kidnap raanve
and steal her away from her husband. She doesn't know this, but I am.
(I have two papers to write, but I also owe eremon_lass
Percy/Gawain. I WONDER WHICH ONE GETS DONE TO-NIGHT.)