psalm_onethirtyone: (asking to be loved)
So LJ is finally so ugly and evil that I have switched to DreamWidth. My God. Yes, that day came.*

Anyway, it doesn't really mean anything except that I will be doing entries over here and still checking my LJ flist as usual but probably NOT doing my DW flist because I still think DW is ugly. >_> SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW what the point of THIS was.

Anyway. Hi.

* I still don't like DreamWidth, but OH WELL.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Everyone is Fond of Owls)
Apparently this week is "Honours Soujin Doesn't Actually Deserve" week. Ugh.

--my poetry study professor wants to put one of my poems up on the English dept. website, and, I'll be honest, I'm actually deeply flattered and thrilled by this and super excited. That's awesome.

--my religion professor wants me to take my research paper for his class and turn it into a presentation for our liberal arts symposium this spring. This is completely unwarranted, as a) my paper is weirdly ill-defined and not remotely qualified, b) NOT EVEN ACTUALLY WRITTEN YET, and c) talks about intercultural religious issues, which I think are fascinating, but which because I am not actually Islamic consistently make me feel like a Privileged White Western Person talking about Shit I Have No Actual Experience With. So I am terrified. And I don't want the responsibility urgh.

--on a totally different scale, my other religion professor wrote something along the lines of "blah blah you left out a bunch of important stuff in this paper and it's pretty glaring and painful but you can grammar okay so I will give you an A because you need a pat on the back you little dumbass" on my feedback, and I kind of just wish he'd given me a B and not said anything, because it feels gross. The history professor who co-teaches the class with him, when I wept about it to her, said he's been in a really bad mood this semester and super critical of everyone, but it still makes me feel awful.

--I am getting a solid B in Cog Psych, and I'm okay with that, because I thought I was going to do a lot worse.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Cascade Pond)
So. I finally finished the religion/history paper that was bringing about my doom, and now it's time to start the contemporary religion paper that is going to be the doom of the next few weeks. Delightful! I met with the professor about the first paper, and she essentially told me that I was choking on writing it because I was overprepared. And then when I said I was a neurotic overachiever she agreed. XD So there's that.

It's hard to believe that in fewer than six weeks my poetry study will be over. It's basically one of the best things I've ever done, and I'm... I don't want to stop. The professor who's doing that with me loves dogs and poetry, so I'm buying him a copy of Sharon Creech's Love That Dog as a thank-you gift.

Last Sunday I did the hive consolidation for our bees essentially on my own (there was a sophomore assisting me, but she kind of stood thirty feet away the whole time). That was really exciting and it felt really cool to be doing something like that, to be responsible... I got stung nine times, once on the back of the neck, and I'm not dead! That was exciting too. Only I didn't have the guts to pinch the queen, so I put her in a tupperware and when she died I gave her to the entomology professor.

Maria has decided that she wants to be an entomologist. I think it's really cool; I also think it's a job where she can do stuff that's both academic and intellectually stimulating, and lots of fieldwork and stuff that's hands-on. I think she'd be bored and miserable in an office or at a teaching job, but entomology has lots of practical application and also bees. AWESOME. I'm really proud of her.

I applied for the intercollegiate honours society yesterday, which was torture -- with the application in front of me I couldn't think of a single noteworthy thing I'd ever done. >_> Luckily it's sent off and I never have to look at it again, and I don't really care if I get in -- I only applied because Daddy really wanted me to.

My mama called me on Monday night to tell me that my cat, Calico, was hit on the road and killed. She was thirteen, so I am torn between 'well she lived a long full life' and 'but I've had her since I was a wee kid!'. I told Maria that I was sad that she'd never get to bite me again (she was also the meanest, nastiest cat in existence), and Maria said she was probably in purgatory, biting the sinners. It's an amazingly comforting image. Callie would have no place in heaven. Mama said that to replace her I can have one of the kittens in the barn, so I'm looking forward to trying to catch one of them to tame. Actually, I'll be catching all of them if I can, because I think she wants to try and tame one for my cousin Johanna, who's decided she really wants a DLH for Christmas (although Johanna wants her DLH to have a smush-face, which I think is kind of ugly, and these kitties don't have them).

On Monday I'll be sitting on a panel to raise awareness for invisible illnesses, discussing bipolar disorder! That's pretty cool.

I also finally got paid by the church, so I'll be able to pay the guy who did the photography and digital editing for my picture book, which is a relief, because I feel like the worst client ever right now. >_> He asked about payment two weeks ago and I had to tell him that I hadn't got the money yet. The editing is almost done; right now I'm working on putting the individual pieces together into pages, which is harder than I thought it would be. I only have three done.

I've been watching a hilarious Let's Play of Silent Hill 4 lately, which is pretty much my only "fun" outlet besides RP. Oh, school.

So that's all the content of the last month, I think. Now I'll go back to posting contextless poetry and stupid Tweets about religion films (another one to-morrow! :D).
psalm_onethirtyone: (Only Time Gold Doesn't Sink)
Important Notice

Okay, guys. I know it's mid-October and like reasonable people we are all spending our money on comfort food. But here is the deal.

[ profile] raanve is super goddamn awesome. And right now she is trying to get her degree in composition and rhetoric while working a pretty full-time job. Only right now she and her husband are kind of tight financially, such that he is taking another job, and she wants to, but does not have time. Now she is really close to graduating -- in fact, in March, is everything goes well -- and she basically deserves this more than anything, and the first time around she was unable to finish getting her degree, so it would be totally horrible if she got tripped up this time when she is SO CLOSE. Because here's the thing: she loves teaching. And I love listening to her talk about teaching, because it really seems to make her so happy, and it just seems utterly wrong that she might have to stop teaching because her funds gave out MONTHS before she got her degree.

So I am fundraising, goddammit.

It is as it was last time, five-hundred words for every five dollars you donate. I will write you Les Mis, Arthurian legend, Westmark trilogy, Shakespeare, C.J. Cherryh (badly tho), fairy tales, Bible fanfic, Star Trek, Firefly, Greek Myth, and Sherlock. I am also totally capable of edjumacating myself if there are other fandoms in which you are interested.

AS A BONUS, I will also offer art! For fifteen dollars or more you can have the animal of your choice created for you out of paper collage. And in case you're wondering, I am really really good at paper collage. I'm not even kidding. I can offer samples of my work if necessary, but let's just say I was selling these damn things for forty-five dollars apiece for a while, in a local gallery. So this is awesome and you definitely want it. Christmas is coming up! I will even frame the bastards.

So yeah. Donate money, it will store up treasures for you in heaven. Also, Jess is amazing and you want to make her life better.

psalm_onethirtyone: (Everyone is Fond of Owls)
Does anybody have any tips for talking to NGOs on the phone? I need to call Human Rights Watch and Women for Women International to see if I can get interviews with certain of their staff, and I'm really nervous about the correct protocol for doing this.

I'm a big baby, yes.

I am really scared I'm going to offend somebody and get blacklisted for-ever. >_>


On the plus side, Jen said she would drive me to this beekeeping thing to-morrow that I promised to help with, so YAY, and I already got a tonne of my homework done so now I am just going to read my religion pdfs and then curl up and go to sleep. Arrgh I still have to write a proposal for Cog.Psych though.

Trying to be a competent student/human being always intimidates me at the same time it makes me feel really good and grown-up. I shudder to think what's going to happen when I become a graduate student.

On the other hand, I talked with my advisor about how I want to do hospice pastoral care, possible to the exclusion of actually having a congregation someday, and he seemed really positive about my ability to do that (I said that I didn't want to have a congregation until I was a LOT more experienced, and he said that was a mature outlook, so :D I'm mature! ha).

Sometimes I feel like this year/lifetime/last grasp at irresponsible undergrad-dom is going by really fast.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Not Me! Erro ero)
Dear [ profile] mhari, [ profile] raanve, and [ profile] pax_morgana: for some reason, my im client is on strike to-day. >_> Which I don't approve of, especially since yesterday Mama was on call again (somebody quit at her workplace and someone is on vacation, so she's been picking up a lot of on-call shifts; she had to go out yesterday at 1 a.m. and the day before at 3 to pronounce somebody). She'll be doing that again Friday. >_<

In the meantime, if any of you have any ideas (I don't think I can convince gtalk to work on this computer, although maybe if I go and try it on her laptop~~
psalm_onethirtyone: (Dye My Eyes and Call Me Pretty)
I just traded copies of my Heather Dale CDs for a copy of her Road to Santiago, but when I got it it was in .wma format. As a result, I've just finished uploading it and converting it to .mp3. Then I thought, as long as it's uploaded online and in a format generally everyone can download/play, does anyone else want a link to the CD while it's still up?

On a completely different note, Soup in a Bowl fundraiser to-day at school! Tres excited, I'm going with my friend Krieger and a bunch of people I know will be there too. To-day has really been characterised by getting nothing done--I had a sleepover at [ profile] the_chloroplast's last night because it was her birthday; slept until noon; fought a kajillion prospectives for breakfast; and then worked at Earth and Folk Fest until three. Now I've just been organising my stuff to do schoolwork, but without the part where I've actually done any schoolwork yet.

But I am nicely organised now.

--paper for Conflict
--paper for Sociology
--second draft of story for Fiction Writing
--read four chapters and journal about them for Conflict
--read two chapters and study for exam for Sex
--read one chapter for Sociology

...Watch me go and watch a film instead of doing any of it, too.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Found Myself!)
I'm beginning to feel tentatively more optimistic, although the last few weeks have made me somewhat cautious of that feeling and my brain doesn't exactly know if it should relax yet (answer: NO. NEVER RELAX).

My schedule for senior year had me in a complete panic, but then I thought, "Look, every time I see my advisor, not only does he treat me like a person who has just as much likelihood of having a life and career as someone without a mental illness, he also tends to have an excellent objective perspective and is really good at sorting out the tangles I wind myself into". So I met with him to-day, and lo and behold in an hour he had neatly pointed out the problems I created and helped me fix them. The only thing we couldn't do was find the final upper-level credit required for me to graduate, and he solved that by creating an independent study just for me. It just so happens to be something he's fascinated by and wants to study more, too. :D :D :D

Something that I just-- I don't even know how to word it, but it makes me feel so calm and secure when I'm explaining a problem to him, because people tend to tell me, "Look, you can be someone, but first you have to be well," and that panics me, because I'm not sure that I ever will be. Inevitably, he acts like it doesn't matter if I'm sick or well--the only issue is finding ways to make life make concessions to my illness, and not vice-versa. And that is just so unbelievably reassuring to me that I can't believe it. He makes me feel like no matter what, the things I want to do are possible.

Anxiety too bad to let you go abroad for a semester? Easy! Go abroad on a shorter, two-week, class trip with a professor and students you already know. You get the abroad experience and you'll have a responsible adult to help you do self-checks mentally.

Not possible to take an extra semester to graduate? Easy! Drop this course and this course, you don't actually need them, sub in this one-credit course, and I'll make you an independent study! Good to go.

Might have to take some time off to go to the hospital? Easy! Be here when you get back.

He just does this, and I don't feel like I'm imposing because he always acts like it's totally a normal part of the trajectory of life and there's nothing out of the ordinary about any of these things, and it just absolutely kills me. But in a good way. Having this man for an advisor was one of the best choices I ever made here, for sure.

In other news, I slept over with [ profile] the_chloroplast and [ profile] skyerana last night, and it was really nice. We watched bad films and Arielle played Prince of Persia and made fun of it hilariously. Also, Liz asked me to dinner to-night; and I had an hour and a half long talk on Skype with Jen. I am still feeling really ginger around my friends, and fairly nervous, but they are really great friends, and I'm really fortunate, and I hope that will help me to relax soon.

Also, I am going to kidnap [ profile] raanve and steal her away from her husband. She doesn't know this, but I am.

(I have two papers to write, but I also owe [ profile] eremon_lass Percy/Gawain. I WONDER WHICH ONE GETS DONE TO-NIGHT.)
psalm_onethirtyone: (And She'll Go Mad)
Liz dragged me to Il y a longtemps que je t'aime, and, predictably, I bawled. I think it is kind of hilarious--professors never know what to do with the fact that I cry at sad films. This made Dr. Miller deeply uncomfortably last year when he showed Jesus of Montreal and I had to sit after the film was over and sob into my hands, and Dr. Henderson just kind of stood there awkwardly and went "It's a pretty touching film..."

Then we came back and watched Higurashi no naku koro ni with Phil, Erin, and Jen, who I'm in love with now, and now I'm trying to get my French homework done so I can go to bed at a reasonable time so I can get up without feeling like a dead thing so I can try not to fail my anthropology short test to-morrow. And not fall asleep in philosophy again.

There are too many things to do and I literally do not have the time and this weekend is going to be completely insane--due to a series of... complicated events I will be taking a friend home (because her boyfriend flaked out on her and she has nowhere to go), which will be both stressful and fun, and will definitely make it harder to get all the homework I have to do over break done, and a part of me has just given up on sleeping really.

Saw the psychiatrist and she adjusted my meds stupidly and in such a way that I pretty much lose fifty dollars (because I just refilled my scrips on Saturday, and now they're no good), and I'm very frustrated and have so much to do and there was definitely a panic attack yesterday to go with the three last Friday and I have this petition of exception to write and I still haven't made the study abroad people give me any definite answers about Greece and this French homework isn't done and I need to start my hideous essay for history and if I don't stop writing this I'll start hyperventilating again.

Come to me, Easter. I need you.
psalm_onethirtyone: (God Dammit)

being really, really stressed out atm, kind of wish professors would stop sending me cryptic half-e-mails in response to my painstakingly worded, highly nervewracking-to-me e-mails about important stuff that kind of needs to be addressed kind of in the near future.

List of people currently making my life difficult:

Dr. Matter needs to e-mail me back re: drag show
Dr. Peters re: drag show
Dr. Widman re: course equivalents
Dr. Rosell re: FISHN credits
Dr. Wagoner re: course equivalents
Valasko re: study abroad (I'm just going to have to camp on her doorstep again, I know it)
Dr. Braxton re: scheduling sign-off

The study abroad application is due to-day, argh. I need to call Mama and see if she will pay for it or whether I will have to get an extension to mail in a cheque.

I need to start the first draft of my 15-page research paper, I should outline my response paper for history, and there aren't any other writings that I can really do right now but STILL, anyway I just finally managed to beat my anthropology paper into submission.

Also, the anthro professor from hell told us this morning that part of the reason Western culture sucks is because we distance ourselves from birth and stick our grandparents in homes. Fuck you, lady, my nana had to be in a home because they had better access to care for things that we couldn't help with. Also, respite care is incredibly important because some people have shit going on and literally can't deal with the added pressure of taking care of an elderly and sick relative.


Me: ^^ Hi, I'm just trying to find a stapler--
Me: --It's out of staples.
It: *is out of staples*
Her: *glares at me accusingly*
Me: Heh, sorry, that's pretty much been the story of my morning.
Me: ok i'll just use the secretary's stapler do you want my paper now?
Me: *hides in classroom*

She is so loud, you giez. ;____; She speaks like four times about normal volume and it makes me so twitchy, I can't even. She yells.

Luckily, the pottery shop is letting random-ass students (a.k.a. me) come in and make bowls for a few hours this afternoon, so I am going to try and hide and relax there for a little while before my drag show audition.

I just want Easter to be here. I have enormous faith that things will get better once we're out of Lent. This is the time of suffering. Soon it will be full of joy, and joy will temper the crazy things. I can handle this. I just need to take deep breaths. And Dr. Miller, who is on sabbatical, came to lunch, and I said hi to him and he hugged me! And so did Dr. Hutto, the professor I want to be my adopted grandpa. He lifted me right onto my toes and asked if I was still writing poetry! And that made me feel warm all over.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Slightly Confuzzled - Holly Brook)
Livejournal is about to steal back my paid account again. Fff I cannot keep track of this stuff (nor can I, to be frank, afford it). I really need to buy a permanent account next time they offer those, because I've had this silly thing for six years now and it's been paid most of that time.

In other news, I dropped bio II, and already feel more like a human being. I've spent the afternoon so far relentlessly organising my life: I got the A.W.o.L. account updated (I'm the secretary) (it took three times, argh the appserver confuses me); made a masterlist of doctors/addresses/contact information for shadowing for my rural healthcare rotations class and have already contacted two; finished part one of my o.chem homework and sent it in; forced the jdrive to work and submitted my work for that; got a SHOWER; dropped my forms off at the registrar's; went to Weis to withdraw my last ten dollars so I can buy a train ticket home on Saturday; sent in my community service form; cleared off my desk; organised my pillbox.

Now I need to: recycle; do part two of my o.chem homework; contact the other eight doctors on my list (which will be phone calls rather than e-mails, bleh); do my religion homework.

I also need to e-mail Phil and see if he wants to go to dinner. And I was thinking I might e-mail Sean (the boy who invited me to watch Firefly with him/see his X-men comics) and ask if he wants to have lunch together some time. I am not really the person who makes the moves in most of my relationships, but, uh, I do really like him, so I figure I might as well go ahead and try to be proactive.

To-morrow I see the doctor (FFFFF) and the psychiatrist, and presumably have my blood taken for bloodwork. Also it's the first A.W.o.L. meeting of the semester. Oh, and I'm going to dye my hair again, I'm bored with this colour of red. Thursday I am going for EMS training. Friday I meet with Dr. Reingold. I think that's all the important stuff. I can breathe now! I think.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Dye My Eyes and Call Me Pretty)
I am planning my untimely death from pre-school nerviness. The professors, they keep sending me e-mails! I have to write down all this stuff and I haven't got a notebook here with me! Ngggah. Also my God no one sells Diet Dr. Pepper it is completely immoral and barbaric.

But the sunsets here are really nice. The lake tends to turn white from the light shining off it, and it stretches pretty far, white and still and shining.

Maria finally stopped getting angry at me; we've been watching loads of X-Men: Evolution, and it's cheered her up unbelievably. It's so nice to have her reasonably happy again. And to-morrow we're going home; I'll pack up the last of my things and by Sunday afternoon I should be settled in at school again, which I'll be glad to be. I think most of anything I hate transitioning. I don't mind changes, and I have a hard time feeling displaced; I sort of make where-ever I am my home; but I really, really hate travelling to get there, or the jittery feeling you get when something's about to change but hasn't gotten around to it yet. Ugh ugh.

I think the Depakote might be working, though. The screaming in my head has gone away, and I don't really feel as angry any more. I still get irritated and stressed out, but I'm not just absolutely furious at everyone. So! Little forward steps.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Default)
p.s. I flist cut to-day and if anyone feels that they were removed in error please let me know! I was just trying to do a little housekeeeping and delete journals people are no longer using and stuff like that. Thanks! ♥
psalm_onethirtyone: (Nay Nor Woman Neither)
It is SO HOT here I cannot TAKE it any more, and my father is alive through NO ACTIONS OF HIS OWN, and the cat is weeping for indiscernable reasons and my feet hurt and IT'S SO HOT and I am never, never ever making individual cakes for a party of twenty EVER AGAIN, and I don't even KNOW and said party is to-morrow and I am so sick of people coming over and Daddy wants me to clean the house and then SCRUB THE FLOORS as in he literally told me that the floors needed to be scrubbed even though he did them himself LAST WEEK OR NOT EVEN and he's all mad at me for not answering the phone while I was INDIVIDUALLY ICING TWENTY-THREE SMALL CAKES and I am never using this liquor frosting ever again it gets EVERYWHERE and now MAGGIE is crying and I haven't minded the chickens yet although I have fed and watered the other four portions of birds on this farm and I HATE HAY and I've got yellow dye all over my nice white conservation club shirt and I swear to the lord if Maria doesn't shoot some of those guineas soon I will learn to use the .22 myself.

*curls up under the bed*

post scriptum I weighed myself for the first time in two years and I shouldn't have done that also I ripped all my toenails out again and they were just starting to heal up after the last time I HATE EVERYONE &c &c.
psalm_onethirtyone: (OTP ZOMGWTFBBQ)


How many of us are going to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? As far as I currently know, it's me, Zara, and Memise. That is all I know for sure. If it's more of us, we should try to meet in front of the theatre or something and say hi. :D

We are going to have dinner before Hamlet--Jessica is making us dinner reservations at a restaurant she presumably knows how to get to, so we will have to arrange a place to meet if we're not all going to R&G.

We need to arrive at least a half-hour early for Hamlet so I can collect the tickets and hand them out. Memise, I need you to pay for yours. >_> My dad is getting anxious. ALSO. I evidently have one extra ticket that is unclaimed. Unless somebody on my flist would like to drop everything, buy it, and come to D.C. this weekend to see Hamlet with us, I am going to have to try my hand at scalping. That will be very interesting indeed. XD

Then those of us who are going home will go home, and Zara and Gil will go home and stay with Rebecca and Natalie and meeee. The next day I, personally, will be exploring with aforementioned hostesses, and if anyone wants to stay for that so we can all walk around together, that would be awesome, but there's no real necessity. (I'm going home Monday.)

SO. ONCE AGAIN. REPLY TO THIS POST. Or I will have to do something horrible, like personally telephoning you all, and that's just going to be terrible.
psalm_onethirtyone: (A Happy Ending)
Okay. This is really important. I just bought eight tickets to Hamlet (Me, Gil, Zara, Jessica, Maja, Memise, Rebecca, Natalie). I already did it. So--fjadlkfs. We have to see Hamlet. I did it in a moment of not-thinking, but tickets are non-refundable. And non-get-rid-of-able. The only thing I can do with them is trade them. So brrrrrrrr.

I put it on Daddy's credit card, so although he is well aware of the fact and gave me his permission, he is probably going to KILL ME if we end up not being able to use them all. They are for June 9, at 8:00 pm, which was the only available date. They're in pairs in four different places around the theatre. They cost approximately sixty dollars each. Any tickets that are not claimed I will have to pay for.

Please respond claiming your ticket. Money at this point can be collected whenever is convenient prior to the date of the show.

I am shaking I am so terrified. I don't think I've ever spent this much money on something so stupidly unplanned and risky in my entire life. I KNOW THIS WAS DUMB. I KNOW. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Please, please help me out here.

edit: oh, and thanks to the panic this is causing? Y'all can buy your own damn tickets to Ros and Guil. :P The telephone number for the box office is in the link provided in the post about four or five posts back.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Fretted and Anxious)

I need to know how many tickets to order. Kind of important, giez. *pokepokepokepoke* And if we all agree on this, um, Mum says I'm not allowed to order the tickets unless you pony up the cash up front. O:D So. If it's go that I get tickets, plz send money. Hamlet is seventeen dollars and Ros&Guil is thirty-four. If it's not go, the numbers and ordering information are in that post. If you haven't already got the dates up and clear, dooooooooo iiiiiiiiiiit.

<333 Thank you for bearing with me and my OCD at organising.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Hamlet)
Okay, DC people. Bow to my leet skillz, and mark your calendars.

We will be seeing Hamlet on Friday, the eighth of June, at 8:00 PM. You can buy tickets through the link of the page. If you'd like, I can take charge of e-mailing them and seeing whether there's a group rate, or buying all the tickets at once so that we'll be together (if I do that, people will need to pay me back ^^). All suggestions please comment!

We will be seeing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead on Saturday, the ninth of June, at 2:00 PM. The ticket situation is exactly the same.

Thank you.

Zara, are you okay? ♥
psalm_onethirtyone: (Kerchief)
This is my 'working' icon. That makes me happy.

In other news, I did the first sixty problems on my geometry midterm, finished my chem homework, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the den, and am here to finish my history biographical essay on Washington Irving. I slightly want to die, because I am tired, but that is not an option, so I will not. I will finish my essay.

My fingers are cold. ._.

OKAY. [ profile] rhombal, [ profile] whyless, [ profile] blindmadness, [ profile] mmebahorel, [ profile] gileonnen, [ profile] silverdragon262 (I am doing this so that your usernames will catch your eyes and you will ANSWER THIS.)

[Poll #904294]

Whichever gets the most votes, that's the week we're going to D.C and see Hamlet/Ros and Guil are Dead. By the way, Zara--I asked Natalie if she knew inexpensive places to stay and she said why don't you stay with them?, so if you're okay with that I think you have housing. ^_^

Now essay.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Kerchief)

[Poll #901685]


psalm_onethirtyone: (Default)

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