psalm_onethirtyone: (jesting)
We just found out that my uncle has prostate cancer, which is what both his father and my grandfather died of. The doctors think that because he is pretty young and they caught it pretty early he should be fine, but I know he is really nervous about it anyway. I would really like to solicit prayers and good-wishes for him, since he is basically the living incarnation of Good Guy Greg and truly wonderful person.

I finished my commission -- I was actually rather pleased, as it was ordered by someone who contacted the gallery that dropped my stuff because it wasn't selling, so for revenge I bored the director of the gallery by talking about pig breeds for half an hour when I handed it in.

I'll be back at school on Sunday, which I'm looking forward to. Real internet again! It's so exciting!

I'm still figuring out this DreamWidth thing. I will get it someday!
psalm_onethirtyone: (Everyone is Fond of Owls)
Apparently this week is "Honours Soujin Doesn't Actually Deserve" week. Ugh.

--my poetry study professor wants to put one of my poems up on the English dept. website, and, I'll be honest, I'm actually deeply flattered and thrilled by this and super excited. That's awesome.

--my religion professor wants me to take my research paper for his class and turn it into a presentation for our liberal arts symposium this spring. This is completely unwarranted, as a) my paper is weirdly ill-defined and not remotely qualified, b) NOT EVEN ACTUALLY WRITTEN YET, and c) talks about intercultural religious issues, which I think are fascinating, but which because I am not actually Islamic consistently make me feel like a Privileged White Western Person talking about Shit I Have No Actual Experience With. So I am terrified. And I don't want the responsibility urgh.

--on a totally different scale, my other religion professor wrote something along the lines of "blah blah you left out a bunch of important stuff in this paper and it's pretty glaring and painful but you can grammar okay so I will give you an A because you need a pat on the back you little dumbass" on my feedback, and I kind of just wish he'd given me a B and not said anything, because it feels gross. The history professor who co-teaches the class with him, when I wept about it to her, said he's been in a really bad mood this semester and super critical of everyone, but it still makes me feel awful.

--I am getting a solid B in Cog Psych, and I'm okay with that, because I thought I was going to do a lot worse.
psalm_onethirtyone: (The Perfect Pool)
Got my Yuletide assignment yesterday. It's pretty cool and I think there is a lot of potential in it, and I think I also can do a good job with it -- certain elements of it weird me out, but the prompter gave me a lot to work with so I think I leave some things out while still giving them what they want. So I am excited!

I go home to-day for Thanksgiving, so I'll be scarce for the next week.

Linkspam!:

A presenter in my cog psych class used this page about art by autistic people in his presentation, and I thought that was pretty neat, so here is the link. It is pretty cool from both an art and a mental shenanigans standpoint. (I also ended up talking about the gender issues surrounding autism with the professor after class, which was pretty neat -- she agreed with [livejournal.com profile] mhari and said that autism is generally viewed as a "boy's disorder" and not something girls are supposed to get.)

Octopodes can go on land and that is totally awesome. Plus also super cute.

Although we already knew that, Ann Coulter is a maniac and I don't understaaaand, Jesus. I don't want to live on this planet any more? Liz said I should move to Canada, but I feel it is my duty to model sane Christianity for people in America.

I am currently using this programme to try and manage my issues with computer light = migraines; I've only had it downloaded for a day, so I haven't got a real clear idea of how well it works yet, but it's an interesting idea.

This tumblr exists and it is pretty pro -- Ugly Renaissance Babies.

A really interesting essay/article on why "born this way" is a bad argument for queerness.

This guy is my hero -- a devout Muslim whose faith led him to try to save the man who shot him. I heard an interview with him on NPR on Sunday -- he was really incredible. Warning: Article contains pictures of headshot.

For your webcomic organising needs, piperka is a great site for tracking updates and keeping stuff neat.

Finally, when you have just delivered a good Caruso zinger, the instant CSI. Yeahhhhh!
psalm_onethirtyone: (Cascade Pond)
So. I finally finished the religion/history paper that was bringing about my doom, and now it's time to start the contemporary religion paper that is going to be the doom of the next few weeks. Delightful! I met with the professor about the first paper, and she essentially told me that I was choking on writing it because I was overprepared. And then when I said I was a neurotic overachiever she agreed. XD So there's that.

It's hard to believe that in fewer than six weeks my poetry study will be over. It's basically one of the best things I've ever done, and I'm... I don't want to stop. The professor who's doing that with me loves dogs and poetry, so I'm buying him a copy of Sharon Creech's Love That Dog as a thank-you gift.

Last Sunday I did the hive consolidation for our bees essentially on my own (there was a sophomore assisting me, but she kind of stood thirty feet away the whole time). That was really exciting and it felt really cool to be doing something like that, to be responsible... I got stung nine times, once on the back of the neck, and I'm not dead! That was exciting too. Only I didn't have the guts to pinch the queen, so I put her in a tupperware and when she died I gave her to the entomology professor.

Maria has decided that she wants to be an entomologist. I think it's really cool; I also think it's a job where she can do stuff that's both academic and intellectually stimulating, and lots of fieldwork and stuff that's hands-on. I think she'd be bored and miserable in an office or at a teaching job, but entomology has lots of practical application and also bees. AWESOME. I'm really proud of her.

I applied for the intercollegiate honours society yesterday, which was torture -- with the application in front of me I couldn't think of a single noteworthy thing I'd ever done. >_> Luckily it's sent off and I never have to look at it again, and I don't really care if I get in -- I only applied because Daddy really wanted me to.

My mama called me on Monday night to tell me that my cat, Calico, was hit on the road and killed. She was thirteen, so I am torn between 'well she lived a long full life' and 'but I've had her since I was a wee kid!'. I told Maria that I was sad that she'd never get to bite me again (she was also the meanest, nastiest cat in existence), and Maria said she was probably in purgatory, biting the sinners. It's an amazingly comforting image. Callie would have no place in heaven. Mama said that to replace her I can have one of the kittens in the barn, so I'm looking forward to trying to catch one of them to tame. Actually, I'll be catching all of them if I can, because I think she wants to try and tame one for my cousin Johanna, who's decided she really wants a DLH for Christmas (although Johanna wants her DLH to have a smush-face, which I think is kind of ugly, and these kitties don't have them).

On Monday I'll be sitting on a panel to raise awareness for invisible illnesses, discussing bipolar disorder! That's pretty cool.

I also finally got paid by the church, so I'll be able to pay the guy who did the photography and digital editing for my picture book, which is a relief, because I feel like the worst client ever right now. >_> He asked about payment two weeks ago and I had to tell him that I hadn't got the money yet. The editing is almost done; right now I'm working on putting the individual pieces together into pages, which is harder than I thought it would be. I only have three done.

I've been watching a hilarious Let's Play of Silent Hill 4 lately, which is pretty much my only "fun" outlet besides RP. Oh, school.

So that's all the content of the last month, I think. Now I'll go back to posting contextless poetry and stupid Tweets about religion films (another one to-morrow! :D).
psalm_onethirtyone: (Men Behaving Stupidly)
So we watched the Seventh Seal to-day for religion/history class, and I live-Tweeted it, because I am boring and enchanted by modern technology. I also thought I was kind of funny, so I have reproduced it here. >_>

Warnings for: Rape, immaturity.


--Watching "The Seventh Seal". Lotta dies irae happening up in here.

--Dear Mr. Bergman: Horses prolly don't actually drink sea water.

--THERE IS SO MUCH SYMBOLISM HAPPENING.

--OHO. DEATH GOT THE BLACK CHESS PIECE.

--...yeah, I'm going to livetweet this, don't judge me. It makes it more bearable.

--...and then random dirty ballads.

It just gets more sophisticated from here )
psalm_onethirtyone: (Narwhals Narwhals Swimmin' in the Ocean)
This summer, as I'm pretty sure I wrote, my advisor's son was killed by a drunk driver. I wrote him a card at the time to tell him how sorry I was; I didn't really know what to say (what do you say to a parent who's just lost his child?), but I had been working with a lot of people at the time who had lost children, and I wanted to say something.

He didn't say anything about it when I got back to school, so I really just assumed that he didn't want to -- I know when people comment on my really emotional posts I rarely know what to say, and usually end up not answering, but always being glad on the comfort that people offer, so I figured it was like that. He's mentioned his son once or twice in class, and I always feel sad, but certainly don't say anything.

Anyway, to-day I checked my mail for about the first time in a month, and there was a note from him thanking me. And he included a picture of the beach where they scattered his son's ashes. And I just stood there in the post office and cried, because -- I can't imagine. I can't imagine how big and terrible it would be. Scattering my grandparents' ashes was, in a way, easy to do, because they both lived long, full lives and I had plenty of time to make peace with their deaths. But to lose your oldest child right after he'd graduated from college, when you hadn't seen him in a year, and to have to give him back to the earth -- I just can't even begin to quantify how much grief you might feel. I just can't.

This kind of thing makes everything, especially me, feel really small. I wish I could do so much more to make things better, but my own power is so limited. In a way it makes me know that hospice is the right place for me, and in a way I feel bad even saying that because this isn't about me at all.

I guess what I wanted to say here was how moved I am that he took the time to write me a note and share the picture with me, which he didn't have to do at all, and I'm just so sorry.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Not Me! Erro ero)
Braxtonisms of the semester so far:

On America's scale of political career-death: "Gay is wormy. If you're an atheist, you're sub-wormy."

"We don't mean bad in a judgmental, negative sense. We mean bad in a nice way."

"If you can't think of a response, just say reproduction. It's always right."

On gossip: "He can benchpress like 900 pounds, he must take calcium supplements or something."

More selections from Religion and War: )
psalm_onethirtyone: (Everyone is Fond of Owls)
Does anybody have any tips for talking to NGOs on the phone? I need to call Human Rights Watch and Women for Women International to see if I can get interviews with certain of their staff, and I'm really nervous about the correct protocol for doing this.

I'm a big baby, yes.

I am really scared I'm going to offend somebody and get blacklisted for-ever. >_>

--

On the plus side, Jen said she would drive me to this beekeeping thing to-morrow that I promised to help with, so YAY, and I already got a tonne of my homework done so now I am just going to read my religion pdfs and then curl up and go to sleep. Arrgh I still have to write a proposal for Cog.Psych though.

Trying to be a competent student/human being always intimidates me at the same time it makes me feel really good and grown-up. I shudder to think what's going to happen when I become a graduate student.

On the other hand, I talked with my advisor about how I want to do hospice pastoral care, possible to the exclusion of actually having a congregation someday, and he seemed really positive about my ability to do that (I said that I didn't want to have a congregation until I was a LOT more experienced, and he said that was a mature outlook, so :D I'm mature! ha).

Sometimes I feel like this year/lifetime/last grasp at irresponsible undergrad-dom is going by really fast.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Only Time Gold Doesn't Sink)
I have a lot of ~feelings~ right now, but most of them are unprintable invective directed towards my mother, so they're probably best kept between me, my therapist, and Maria, who has been displaying a vast sense of understanding (she is used to being the "bad" daughter, so the switch in our positions has left her rather sage and sympathetic). Part of this issue stems from the fact that standing up to my mother will accomplish nothing, as she will misinterpret the reasons for the standing-up and then feel like a horrible person rather than just a perfectly nice person who is insanely passive-aggressive, and then I will feel like a horrible person too and nothing will get done -- so I am just capitulating with her insane passive-aggression, which makes her feel good, I assume, but makes me feel fairly awful.

In the meantime, I have a paper to write to-night, which I had better at least make some headway on -- I am starting to fall into the habit of panicking about papers but not actually writing them, whereas these previous three years I would panic while writing, so I need to get my act together. As long as I'm panicking, I might as well get work done.

So I will be probably not around to-night, [livejournal.com profile] mhari, [livejournal.com profile] raanve, and [livejournal.com profile] pax_morgana, because I am busy beating my head against the metaphorical wall of Islam/US!Christian relations, which suck. Also I do not have enough Diet Coke, which is not helping matters.

HOWEVER my koi icon is here to remind me that even though this weekend is going to be TERRIBLE, I will at least get to feed my fish, and I do like that.

I am exhausted. I will say that I don't think it's fair that I'm already in major anxiety/bipolar mode and it's only about five weeks into the semester. I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TIME TO TRY AND FORCE COMPETENCY INTO. ;_____; Also, I'm still having migraines every day. Time to see the doctor and see about getting my dosage upped! I'm starting to wonder whether my Depakote was actually helping to mitigate the migraines after all, and whether stopping has actually had an effect. That would be really annoying.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Narwhals Narwhals Swimmin' in the Ocean)
To-day has been. I don't even know.

This morning was nice! I went out to lunch with Dani and her friends, and one of them bought my lunch for me! And then I went to start work on the Project with Andy, and we got the whole photographing part done, which is awesome.

The problem is that it took almost six hours, and we were in a small studio with lots of bright lights, and I have had the worst migraine ever since. On top of that I didn't get to eat until late, and I feel really terrible. I also realised I have an essay due to-morrow that's six pages. Edit except the professor just e-mailed me and said it's due next weekend, OH GOD THANK GOD.

So I'm kind of rolling around on the floor in misery right now.

Thursday was horrible -- I ran out of medication and failed an exam and decided to take a conciliatory nap at eight and ended up sleeping all the way until eight the next morning, and then Friday all I did was homework and brief hanging out with [livejournal.com profile] the_chloroplast and [livejournal.com profile] immoralwitness and Kat until they went out to a bar, and then I hung out with [livejournal.com profile] isjusterin to maintain my sanity. And then TO-DAY OH GOD.

Also my mother has been leaving hundreds of passive-aggressive voicemails and e-mails in my inboxes this week, oh my God I want to die and not have to talk to her. She talked to me to-day but she still wants me to call to-morrow as well. I need to call Maria instead so I can weep all over her and have her understand.

Basically EVERYTHING IS CRAZY and when I tried to intimate this fact to Mama she just said, "oh you always worry about everything" all dismissively. Which makes me angry, because she's the one producing most of the pressure on me right now.

...Somebody write me some nice Arthurian porn. I need it.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Feet)
So I asked my friend Kat what she would like for her birthday, and she picked a pangolin. And over the past two days I have discovered that a pangolin is an awful lot of work to piece together from small attractive pieces of paper. But the good news is, it's done, and it actually looks fantastic. I'm going to try to get a picture before I give it to her to post here so y'all can see, because I'm really proud of it.

Other than that, my life has not been enormously exciting. Getting back into the usual craziness of classes etc., and it turns out I'm the vice president of our apiary society, which I did not know and which resulted in some mad panic Thursday night when I found out fairly last-minute that I had to represent that club at an RSO meeting. Still, everything ended up working out fine.

Mostly I'm just having ridiculous body issues. Going back to school is always pretty problematic because argleblargle lots of slender friends who make me feel gigantic and horrible ugly, so I am kind of wanting to roll myself up in a rug and put myself in storage somewhere for-ever. But oh well.

I am a boring person!
psalm_onethirtyone: (The Perfect Pool)
I know you guys all want to read my final story for Fiction Writing[1] -- a twelve-page magical-realism epic of a young aquarium guard on a quest to save her sick child. >_> This story exists mainly so I can write scenery porn about the aquarium, and also got I think a B- or a C, so we're not talking quality wordstuff here, but. This class was the bane of my existence, so I'll take what I can get.

Also, I should probably warn that the names of the main characters are stolen from Simmer Dim, even though the characters are not the same; there's kind of a Biblical theme going on. My deepest apologies to David, who I know would never do anything like this in real life[2].

In other news, I have a beekeeping dinner to-night at 6.00 and a poetry reading at 8.00 and I fully expect sweet death to overtake me at some point. Also, it's really dark outside even though it's only 4.00. O_o Thanks, weather, glad to know the apocalypse is still coming.

& without further nonsense, storytime.

[1]Ha, ha.
[2]Irony!

The Estuary )
psalm_onethirtyone: (Clock Sheep!)
So I have been trying to figure out why I am so incredibly amazingly calm about the fact that I have less than a week to write a twenty-page research paper and it's not even started yet, and realised to-day, with [livejournal.com profile] skyerana's help, that I've basically been totally mellowed out since I started on the Celexa. Which I guess is both good and bad, since, you know, on the one hand, totally calm. On the other hand, paper not started.

And I have no intention of starting it to-night, either. SIGH.

I can't believe I finally found a drug that kills my anxiety, just in time for goddamn finals. I'm trying to decide whether I should stop taking it, just for finals week, or play along and try to motivate myself. The psych is gone for the year, so I can't talk to her, little as I wish to do that anyway.

This is immensely stupid.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Try Again To-morrow)
Hurrdurr I'm back and I just now finished my assignment due to-morrow that I totally am not going to hand in on time because I cannot function anymore and I JUST. DON'T. CARE.

alfkjalsjfalkjfls

This is how stupid I get when I'm exhausted and insanely stressed out. But I did want to state for the record that I'm home and if anyone wants to pet me and cuddle me and love me and magically add about seven more days to my weekend, that would be really sweet.

(Easter was good.)
psalm_onethirtyone: (Gross Things are Cool!)
Got the results back from the x-rays -- apparently I don't have arthritis, but my hip sockets are shaped funny (shallow), and the doctor thinks the ball joints of my legs are rubbing against them, especially while I'm sleeping, hence the hip pain. It's actually kind of cool -- I am finding diagrammes online to show me what it looks like. I guess it would be a sort of asymmetric incongruity? Fun!

She suggested physical therapy, but I don't really have the time or money, so she also suggested taking ibuprofen before I go to sleep as a preventative.

Also, apparently, I can expect to have reasonably significant arthritis by the time I hit forty. So that's fun too.

Therapy at one (lots of issues to discuss there) and then I will finish this goddamn paper.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Annie with Red Hair)
1. What do you do when someone you consider a pretty good friend keeps talking about stuff you have explicitly said is triggering to you, even when you have asked her to stop? (i.e. you said "ilu but please stop telling me about how much weight you're losing, how much fat is in the food I eat, etc" and she said "but I want you to be healthy" and went on talking about it? even after you said "hi EATING DISORDER"?)

2. On Celexa now. Haven't picked up the scrip yet, though.

3. Have three papers left for the semester (1 3-pager, 1-5/7-pager, 1 10/15-pager), three exams, and a story to write. Was going to do the short paper to-day, but feeling kind of too depressed atm, so maybe I will go watch bad horror for a bit. Thursday is LAS, so we get a day off--good time to get stuff done. As is to-morrow.

Bleh.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Dye My Eyes and Call Me Pretty)
I just traded copies of my Heather Dale CDs for a copy of her Road to Santiago, but when I got it it was in .wma format. As a result, I've just finished uploading it and converting it to .mp3. Then I thought, as long as it's uploaded online and in a format generally everyone can download/play, does anyone else want a link to the CD while it's still up?

On a completely different note, Soup in a Bowl fundraiser to-day at school! Tres excited, I'm going with my friend Krieger and a bunch of people I know will be there too. To-day has really been characterised by getting nothing done--I had a sleepover at [livejournal.com profile] the_chloroplast's last night because it was her birthday; slept until noon; fought a kajillion prospectives for breakfast; and then worked at Earth and Folk Fest until three. Now I've just been organising my stuff to do schoolwork, but without the part where I've actually done any schoolwork yet.

But I am nicely organised now.

--paper for Conflict
--paper for Sociology
--second draft of story for Fiction Writing
--read four chapters and journal about them for Conflict
--read two chapters and study for exam for Sex
--read one chapter for Sociology

...Watch me go and watch a film instead of doing any of it, too.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Annie with Red Hair)
Meeting with the Asst. Dean inconclusive. Definitely going home this weekend, though.

On an entirely different note, our school's production of The Vagina Monologues was cancelled because, according to the person doing the organising, it isn't inclusive enough: it doesn't let males help out or participate. So instead she's putting together a pro-woman show of some kind that anyone can participate in. I politely declined to be involved because I am mildly bothered by this decision. Somehow it seems like it's missing the point.

I like the new LJ header.

One paper done, one bibliography done; three papers left. Two of them are due to-morrow. Ha, ha, ha.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Found Myself!)
I'm beginning to feel tentatively more optimistic, although the last few weeks have made me somewhat cautious of that feeling and my brain doesn't exactly know if it should relax yet (answer: NO. NEVER RELAX).

My schedule for senior year had me in a complete panic, but then I thought, "Look, every time I see my advisor, not only does he treat me like a person who has just as much likelihood of having a life and career as someone without a mental illness, he also tends to have an excellent objective perspective and is really good at sorting out the tangles I wind myself into". So I met with him to-day, and lo and behold in an hour he had neatly pointed out the problems I created and helped me fix them. The only thing we couldn't do was find the final upper-level credit required for me to graduate, and he solved that by creating an independent study just for me. It just so happens to be something he's fascinated by and wants to study more, too. :D :D :D

Something that I just-- I don't even know how to word it, but it makes me feel so calm and secure when I'm explaining a problem to him, because people tend to tell me, "Look, you can be someone, but first you have to be well," and that panics me, because I'm not sure that I ever will be. Inevitably, he acts like it doesn't matter if I'm sick or well--the only issue is finding ways to make life make concessions to my illness, and not vice-versa. And that is just so unbelievably reassuring to me that I can't believe it. He makes me feel like no matter what, the things I want to do are possible.

Anxiety too bad to let you go abroad for a semester? Easy! Go abroad on a shorter, two-week, class trip with a professor and students you already know. You get the abroad experience and you'll have a responsible adult to help you do self-checks mentally.

Not possible to take an extra semester to graduate? Easy! Drop this course and this course, you don't actually need them, sub in this one-credit course, and I'll make you an independent study! Good to go.

Might have to take some time off to go to the hospital? Easy! Be here when you get back.

He just does this, and I don't feel like I'm imposing because he always acts like it's totally a normal part of the trajectory of life and there's nothing out of the ordinary about any of these things, and it just absolutely kills me. But in a good way. Having this man for an advisor was one of the best choices I ever made here, for sure.

In other news, I slept over with [livejournal.com profile] the_chloroplast and [livejournal.com profile] skyerana last night, and it was really nice. We watched bad films and Arielle played Prince of Persia and made fun of it hilariously. Also, Liz asked me to dinner to-night; and I had an hour and a half long talk on Skype with Jen. I am still feeling really ginger around my friends, and fairly nervous, but they are really great friends, and I'm really fortunate, and I hope that will help me to relax soon.

Also, I am going to kidnap [livejournal.com profile] raanve and steal her away from her husband. She doesn't know this, but I am.

(I have two papers to write, but I also owe [livejournal.com profile] eremon_lass Percy/Gawain. I WONDER WHICH ONE GETS DONE TO-NIGHT.)
psalm_onethirtyone: (Narwhals Narwhals Swimmin' in the Ocean)
You know what's really, really lame?

Pulling an all-nighter to do homework on a SATURDAY NIGHT. Dear sweet Jesus, self, you are made of pathetic.

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psalm_onethirtyone: (Default)
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