psalm_onethirtyone: (Everyone is Fond of Owls)
Apparently this week is "Honours Soujin Doesn't Actually Deserve" week. Ugh.

--my poetry study professor wants to put one of my poems up on the English dept. website, and, I'll be honest, I'm actually deeply flattered and thrilled by this and super excited. That's awesome.

--my religion professor wants me to take my research paper for his class and turn it into a presentation for our liberal arts symposium this spring. This is completely unwarranted, as a) my paper is weirdly ill-defined and not remotely qualified, b) NOT EVEN ACTUALLY WRITTEN YET, and c) talks about intercultural religious issues, which I think are fascinating, but which because I am not actually Islamic consistently make me feel like a Privileged White Western Person talking about Shit I Have No Actual Experience With. So I am terrified. And I don't want the responsibility urgh.

--on a totally different scale, my other religion professor wrote something along the lines of "blah blah you left out a bunch of important stuff in this paper and it's pretty glaring and painful but you can grammar okay so I will give you an A because you need a pat on the back you little dumbass" on my feedback, and I kind of just wish he'd given me a B and not said anything, because it feels gross. The history professor who co-teaches the class with him, when I wept about it to her, said he's been in a really bad mood this semester and super critical of everyone, but it still makes me feel awful.

--I am getting a solid B in Cog Psych, and I'm okay with that, because I thought I was going to do a lot worse.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Cascade Pond)
So. I finally finished the religion/history paper that was bringing about my doom, and now it's time to start the contemporary religion paper that is going to be the doom of the next few weeks. Delightful! I met with the professor about the first paper, and she essentially told me that I was choking on writing it because I was overprepared. And then when I said I was a neurotic overachiever she agreed. XD So there's that.

It's hard to believe that in fewer than six weeks my poetry study will be over. It's basically one of the best things I've ever done, and I'm... I don't want to stop. The professor who's doing that with me loves dogs and poetry, so I'm buying him a copy of Sharon Creech's Love That Dog as a thank-you gift.

Last Sunday I did the hive consolidation for our bees essentially on my own (there was a sophomore assisting me, but she kind of stood thirty feet away the whole time). That was really exciting and it felt really cool to be doing something like that, to be responsible... I got stung nine times, once on the back of the neck, and I'm not dead! That was exciting too. Only I didn't have the guts to pinch the queen, so I put her in a tupperware and when she died I gave her to the entomology professor.

Maria has decided that she wants to be an entomologist. I think it's really cool; I also think it's a job where she can do stuff that's both academic and intellectually stimulating, and lots of fieldwork and stuff that's hands-on. I think she'd be bored and miserable in an office or at a teaching job, but entomology has lots of practical application and also bees. AWESOME. I'm really proud of her.

I applied for the intercollegiate honours society yesterday, which was torture -- with the application in front of me I couldn't think of a single noteworthy thing I'd ever done. >_> Luckily it's sent off and I never have to look at it again, and I don't really care if I get in -- I only applied because Daddy really wanted me to.

My mama called me on Monday night to tell me that my cat, Calico, was hit on the road and killed. She was thirteen, so I am torn between 'well she lived a long full life' and 'but I've had her since I was a wee kid!'. I told Maria that I was sad that she'd never get to bite me again (she was also the meanest, nastiest cat in existence), and Maria said she was probably in purgatory, biting the sinners. It's an amazingly comforting image. Callie would have no place in heaven. Mama said that to replace her I can have one of the kittens in the barn, so I'm looking forward to trying to catch one of them to tame. Actually, I'll be catching all of them if I can, because I think she wants to try and tame one for my cousin Johanna, who's decided she really wants a DLH for Christmas (although Johanna wants her DLH to have a smush-face, which I think is kind of ugly, and these kitties don't have them).

On Monday I'll be sitting on a panel to raise awareness for invisible illnesses, discussing bipolar disorder! That's pretty cool.

I also finally got paid by the church, so I'll be able to pay the guy who did the photography and digital editing for my picture book, which is a relief, because I feel like the worst client ever right now. >_> He asked about payment two weeks ago and I had to tell him that I hadn't got the money yet. The editing is almost done; right now I'm working on putting the individual pieces together into pages, which is harder than I thought it would be. I only have three done.

I've been watching a hilarious Let's Play of Silent Hill 4 lately, which is pretty much my only "fun" outlet besides RP. Oh, school.

So that's all the content of the last month, I think. Now I'll go back to posting contextless poetry and stupid Tweets about religion films (another one to-morrow! :D).
psalm_onethirtyone: (Men Behaving Stupidly)
So we watched the Seventh Seal to-day for religion/history class, and I live-Tweeted it, because I am boring and enchanted by modern technology. I also thought I was kind of funny, so I have reproduced it here. >_>

Warnings for: Rape, immaturity.


--Watching "The Seventh Seal". Lotta dies irae happening up in here.

--Dear Mr. Bergman: Horses prolly don't actually drink sea water.

--THERE IS SO MUCH SYMBOLISM HAPPENING.

--OHO. DEATH GOT THE BLACK CHESS PIECE.

--...yeah, I'm going to livetweet this, don't judge me. It makes it more bearable.

--...and then random dirty ballads.

It just gets more sophisticated from here )
psalm_onethirtyone: (Narwhals Narwhals Swimmin' in the Ocean)
To-day has been. I don't even know.

This morning was nice! I went out to lunch with Dani and her friends, and one of them bought my lunch for me! And then I went to start work on the Project with Andy, and we got the whole photographing part done, which is awesome.

The problem is that it took almost six hours, and we were in a small studio with lots of bright lights, and I have had the worst migraine ever since. On top of that I didn't get to eat until late, and I feel really terrible. I also realised I have an essay due to-morrow that's six pages. Edit except the professor just e-mailed me and said it's due next weekend, OH GOD THANK GOD.

So I'm kind of rolling around on the floor in misery right now.

Thursday was horrible -- I ran out of medication and failed an exam and decided to take a conciliatory nap at eight and ended up sleeping all the way until eight the next morning, and then Friday all I did was homework and brief hanging out with [livejournal.com profile] the_chloroplast and [livejournal.com profile] immoralwitness and Kat until they went out to a bar, and then I hung out with [livejournal.com profile] isjusterin to maintain my sanity. And then TO-DAY OH GOD.

Also my mother has been leaving hundreds of passive-aggressive voicemails and e-mails in my inboxes this week, oh my God I want to die and not have to talk to her. She talked to me to-day but she still wants me to call to-morrow as well. I need to call Maria instead so I can weep all over her and have her understand.

Basically EVERYTHING IS CRAZY and when I tried to intimate this fact to Mama she just said, "oh you always worry about everything" all dismissively. Which makes me angry, because she's the one producing most of the pressure on me right now.

...Somebody write me some nice Arthurian porn. I need it.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Not Me! Erro ero)
Okay, so. Galahad (my darling laptop) is definitely starting to slow down. Stuff freezes a lot, and I'm just having generally a more difficult time getting things to work correctly. Which, you know, he's four years old, I accept that.

But I've decided that before he attains the Holy Grail and returns to God, I'd really like to do something to save his bookmarks (of which I've collected a vast number over the years). So I joined Delicious.

But it won't let me install the buttons? Says it's not compatible with Firefox 4.0. In which case I'm not really sure how to make it work. I know some of y'all use Delicious, so I was wondering whether anyone else has had this problem and/or knows a way around it. I've been messing around with the site, but I'm not sure how to get anything bookmarked if I don't have the buttons installed.

Thanks in advance for any help anyone can give me with this. >_>

In other news, Hank bit [livejournal.com profile] the_chloroplast this morning. I'm pretty upset, given that my hermits are usually incredibly well-mannered. I have no idea what got into him. Just last night I was lying awake in the dark listening to them click against things with their shells and thinking how sweet they are. D: Behave, crabs! Or I will not steal chickpeas from Baker for you!
psalm_onethirtyone: (Not Me! Erro ero)
It wouldn't be a true clusterfuck of a week without something else going wrong, and on that note I went home early from my client yesterday with acute gastritis. :D! Which was okay, in terms of her care, because she went to the hospital! Yeah. But she's home to-day, and I'm supposed to see her, only I feel not great, so I am waiting for Mama to get home with medicine and then I'm going in for part of my shift, because there's no one else to see her and my guilt and responsibility complexes know no bounds. THIS IS HOW I ROLL.

A partial shift shouldn't be so bad. It'll only be five and a half hours, and the toughest part is driving, with the pain, which is what the medicine is for. ...sigh, what is my life.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Not Me! Erro ero)
Dear [livejournal.com profile] mhari, [livejournal.com profile] raanve, and [livejournal.com profile] pax_morgana: for some reason, my im client is on strike to-day. >_> Which I don't approve of, especially since yesterday Mama was on call again (somebody quit at her workplace and someone is on vacation, so she's been picking up a lot of on-call shifts; she had to go out yesterday at 1 a.m. and the day before at 3 to pronounce somebody). She'll be doing that again Friday. >_<

In the meantime, if any of you have any ideas (I don't think I can convince gtalk to work on this computer, although maybe if I go and try it on her laptop~~
psalm_onethirtyone: (Cascade Pond)
So my party went surprisingly well. I haven't had a party since I was about. Eesh. Thirteen or fourteen? And it was kind of a disaster, but this went well. So that was nice.

I'm over Jen, which has its good and bad aspects. It was nice to see her again, though, and get to find out for sure whether or not I'm still attracted to her. A part of me is relieved, because relationships are scary and complicated, but another part of me is sad because relationships still present that lure of "ooooh, somebody likes you, you might actually be a worthwhile person". But. I was reminded of how attractive and fun to be around Arielle is -- I mentioned offhand that I'd had a crush on her to Mama, and Mama said, "I bet you did. She's cute and charming and smart!" and I went "YES I NOTICED". Then she laughed and said, "But she's in love with that Michele girl," which made me laugh because it is, in fact, true, but no one had told Mama that. And Dani was really great and helped to keep things relaxed and flowing, which was good, because by the end of the second night I was pretty worn out and not feeling all that emotionally prepared to be a good hostess.

But Jen brought me back a sheep from Scotland! :D And Michele and Ashley gave me a pair of octopus earrings, as well as some bandaids called "Jesus adhesives", which, as you might expect, have the visage of the Christ on them. They are sweet, although I won't be able to wear them around here.

And then to-day for Father's Day we went kayaking on the river, which took four hours and badly exceeded my tolerance for kayaking, but Daddy had a good time. I accidentally turned over my kayak and lost my expensive "THIS watch should last you a couple years at least!" Christmas watch. >___< Mama was pretty upset until I started weeping. Also, now I am sunburned all over.

I am also exhausted, but I'm off work to-morrow, so I will do low-key things like fixing the new barrier for the poults (they can climb over the old one now) and writing thank-you notes and maybe spending my birthday gift card to ModCloth. I am too fat to wear any of their dresses, sadly, without looking like an idiot, but I thought maybe I could try to get some cute shoes or jewellery or something.

Also, my first appointment with my photographer for my sekrit summer project is Tuesday! I'm so excited. ^____^
psalm_onethirtyone: (Clock Sheep!)
So I have been trying to figure out why I am so incredibly amazingly calm about the fact that I have less than a week to write a twenty-page research paper and it's not even started yet, and realised to-day, with [livejournal.com profile] skyerana's help, that I've basically been totally mellowed out since I started on the Celexa. Which I guess is both good and bad, since, you know, on the one hand, totally calm. On the other hand, paper not started.

And I have no intention of starting it to-night, either. SIGH.

I can't believe I finally found a drug that kills my anxiety, just in time for goddamn finals. I'm trying to decide whether I should stop taking it, just for finals week, or play along and try to motivate myself. The psych is gone for the year, so I can't talk to her, little as I wish to do that anyway.

This is immensely stupid.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Try Again To-morrow)
Hurrdurr I'm back and I just now finished my assignment due to-morrow that I totally am not going to hand in on time because I cannot function anymore and I JUST. DON'T. CARE.

alfkjalsjfalkjfls

This is how stupid I get when I'm exhausted and insanely stressed out. But I did want to state for the record that I'm home and if anyone wants to pet me and cuddle me and love me and magically add about seven more days to my weekend, that would be really sweet.

(Easter was good.)
psalm_onethirtyone: (Narwhals Narwhals Swimmin' in the Ocean)
You know what's really, really lame?

Pulling an all-nighter to do homework on a SATURDAY NIGHT. Dear sweet Jesus, self, you are made of pathetic.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Mycroftian Horrors)
Oh hay I wrote a silly fanfic. Uh, yeah, it's BBC!Watson wearing lingerie for a case. :D

idk I've got a migraine and the world is not conforming to my standards, so there you go.
psalm_onethirtyone: (The Perfect Pool)
I kind of adore the British. "Untoward mental effects of cannabis" indeed. (That's here if anyone's interested.)

Also: turns out sometimes migraines do make me light sensitive. This is what I look like right now: . Only I don't have the adorable Beelzenef hand puppet/voodoo doll/god. YET. >:D Dohohoho my winter break sewing project.

Seriously, someone can feel free to come give me a hug any time now. >_> I am in "passive-aggressive hiding in my room waiting for someone to PROVE THEY LOVE ME by VISITING ME IN MY pretty princess canopy FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE" mode. I hate that. It's so counterproductive.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Therefore Be Free)
So I have pretty much been scared miserable about study abroad for the whole semester now--for a number of reasons, some of which are: the people I am supposed to be in contact with in Greece never respond to anything; there have been a number of changes at the study abroad office here in the U.S. that have mostly resulted in nothing being communicated to me unless I show up at the office and camp on their doorstep and make their lives hell; there is no insurance for psychological medical conditions available for study abroad; I am the only person from my school going to Greece; the requirements for getting a Visa are absolutely psychotic and require me making a trip to New York City, as well as getting fingerprinted and FBI record-checked; going abroad will require me to graduate a year late from college as I would be unable to fit in all my major requirements by senior year--none of which even takes into consideration the social aspects which I am also terrified of. Also, my advisor, the Dean, my therapist, AND the psychiatrist all have suggested that I am mentally unprepared to go abroad without support, so I have been trying desperately to reach mental equilibrium so that I can be cleared, but it hasn't been happening.

So finally yesterday I went to see my advisor and told him all this and how much I was worried and scared and asked him for his advice, and he pretty much went "lol well. I think you already know what you want me to say, because you know what you want; I think that you just can't give yourself permission, you need an authority figure to give you that permission instead."

And I kind of buried my face in my knees and went "STOP CALLING ME OUT."

But he said, "All right, then, here's the deal. I don't think you should go, I think it's compromising your mental health and your academics now, and that's more important because it has bigger long-term consequences. And I think that while study abroad is a great experience, you need to do it in a better environment--you should consider taking one of the three-week abroad trips we offer during the summer, where you go with a professor and a group of other students, and aren't alone and have a good opportunity for feedback, because otherwise you lose all sense of perspective regarding your own emotional state. I think if you did go abroad to study, it definitely shouldn't be to Greece, not with their healthcare system; I think that if you did go to Greece your parents would have to fly in about a month later and use a crowbar to pry you out from under your bed in some dark hovel where you would have gone to ground, and I don't think that's a very good use of their resources. So yeah. I'm giving you permission. But you know I won't be around all the time to give you that permission, and you need to learn to give it to yourself when you already know what the right decision is."

And I went ";______;"

Then I also wibbled about how I feel like I have to be perfect at this school because my dad and my granddad also went here, and my dad is on the board of trustees and used to be chairman of the board and literally everyone knows who he is and sometimes people I don't even know come up to me and tell me to give him their regards, so I know that any fucking up I do might be a reflection on him and certainly people will know about the connexion between That Important Guy and That Bad Student, and my advisor told me I should tell Daddy that and I said I couldn't and flailed, and he raised his eyebrows at me a lot.

Anyway, it reminded me of why I felt it was so important that he be my advisor, way back in the day: because he teases me a lot, but when it comes down to real issues he can read me, he knows me well enough to call me out, and he genuinely does care about what happens to me. And, of course, he's extremely experienced in the field I want to go into. And I'm still kind of scared, but just knowing that I don't have to go abroad and he, at least, supports me in that makes me so much less terrified already, it's such a catharsis. Now I just have to get up the nerve to tell my parents.

But meanwhile, I was so nervous during the meeting that I worried every single bead off my skirt, and tore off part of the hem too. >_>
psalm_onethirtyone: (Hear that Meta?)
So unfortunately last night I got one of the worst migraines I have ever had, which might not have been quite as big a deal except that the girl next door's friend (a mutual friend, as it happens) was breaking up with his boyfriend, drunkenly, over the phone, from midnight until two a.m. when I stumbled over bleary-eyed and knocked on the door. The first thing I heard was, "Oh God, it's Soujin," but before I could flee he opened the door.

Him: AHHH I knew it was you I'm SO SORRY. ;____; *GIANT HUG*
Me: I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I know that you're having a really important conversation!
Him: I'm SORRY. I'm a terrible person!
Me: No you're not! I'm sorry!
Her: Yeah, we're mediating a break-up.
Me: ;____; I know, I'm sorry.
Her: Wait, you know?
Me: Aaaaaaahhh I'm so sorry.
Her: You can hear that much detail?
Me: SORRY ;___________;
Her: Did you know it's about cheating?
Me: ;____;
Her: Oh, my God.
Me: I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I wouldn't have said anything but I have a migraine and right now I want to rip my optic nerve right out of my head--
Her: Oh, my God. Go back to bed, I'll make him shut up.
Me: Ahhhhhh sorry!
Him: AHHHHH SORRRY.

After that it was a bit quieter, though. And I suppose this has gotten around the worrisome question of whether or not to tell her I can hear her having sex.

Anyway, I lay there for the rest of the night wondering whether the best solution was to take my razor and carve my eyeball out, or whether shooting myself in the face would be more effective. It's dulled some, but it still hasn't really gone away. Apparently the magnesium really did do something. Sigh.
psalm_onethirtyone: (When Are We Going to GET SOMEWHERE?)
You guys have NO IDEA how glad I am that this film is not about what I thought it was going to be about. Jeez, way to give a girl a heart attack.

Also, this remains my only motivation for learning French.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Dye My Eyes and Call Me Pretty)
Style meme!

Silliness! Britannia folks only, this go-around )

And, bonus, one for [livejournal.com profile] mhari:

Laura Ross
Height: 5'10"
Build: Thin, but sturdy, and highly muscular
Hair: Long, red, and prone to tangles
Style: Sweaters and jeans. She prefers dark colours, blacks, browns, greys, subdued greens and navys, and the occasional porridge-y beige. Clothes are very much not her thing.
Pajamas: In the Army she slept in her uniform pants and an undershirt. As a civilian, she wears a long cotton/poly green nightgown of her mother's, and it always makes her feel weird.

---

in other news, I am finally not sick again--apparently, you subject your body to one little bout of hypoglycaemia on a Friday and you spend the next three days dying of a fever and massive digestive system trauma. Also, I'm allergic to bee stings after all. My hand is finally not the size of a grapefruit any more, but pffffffft.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Narwhals Narwhals Swimmin' in the Ocean)
I was going to go to bed earlier than this, but then there were unwashed dishes and they were saying 'sooouuuuujin, if you don't wash us you are a bad peeeeeeeeerrrrrson' so I had to do that and then it was four thirty & i don't know when that happened.

we went to the meetup to-day and did aaart which was fun mostly; i'm having a few anxiety attacks still & I had one there, very special of me but I sat in a corner and drew jellyfish until I felt better. also, Betsi's clove cigars smell exactly like my granddad's pipe, which is ridiculously comforting.

Now the cats just have to stop fighting long enough for me to fall asleep omg Squeak I'm sorry Tess is in your room. ;_____; if i have to throw one or both of you out i So Totally Will. oh God there are birds singing outside.

to-morrow or Monday we are goin' to the beach. ♥
psalm_onethirtyone: (Not Me! Erro ero)
Uh.

So Firefox kind of exploded. I can't open it any more. When I try, it gives me some kind of error message that is literally three-quarters off the screen and all that's showing is the button you can click to make it go away, so I have no idea what it actually says. I can't find a keyboard command to drag it.

When I click the button, Firefox kind of opens, but it's a blank page and the toolbar (File Edit View History &c) doesn't show up, so all I can do is close it.

What is going on? ;______; Help I have no clue what this is. Any ideas?

Edit: I fixed it! I am keeping my fingers crossed and knocking on wood in case this is a lie, but I just got back from my anthro exam and forced it to work. Now I can stop hyperventilating into a bag! Yay!

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Soujin

January 2012

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