no, miss, no. if you think that's bad, not having explanations, try never being allowed to explain yourself, try being pushed away and told it's too soon, it hurts too much -- try always being uncertain, never knowing what to say, never knowing what you can say, try offering your love and being hurt by every sentence too short, every comment that seems like half a dismissal, try being made to feel like nothing after you almost had everything and all because you said the wrong thing at the wrong time, try not even having a therapist to talk to, just silence and self-reproach, trying pulling back and pulling back -- is this enough space now? are we alright now? -- and then try being told you're never around. and i understood why you'd want to keep my at arm's length -- i understood things were difficult for you, that 'difficult' is an understatement, that it was my fault -- but i don't think you understood me, and i don't think you even wanted to. i thought what we had was a romantic friendship -- i thought we were like emily and susie, and i kissed you and loved as well as i could without overstepping my bounds, even i wanted something more this is what we had, and it all meant something, it meant something very valuable, very important to me, more important than life, but it didn't mean we were together -- even if i wanted something more -- and i know i made myself blind, because you were so wonderful for me, because i thought i didn't deserve you. and it's not that amelia was any less wonderful, but she put my doubts to rest, she asked me to be her girlfriend. love letters mean something, gifts mean something, intimations means something, but those three words -- 'be my girlfriend?' -- those mean something! the one you asked to date you, in the end, was tom, and do you know how that made me feel? how much i wished it was me? i loved you. i would've been delighted if you turned around and said 'you know, i'm not happy with this -- be with me, date me' but you never did. you said it was too soon, you said i hurt you too much, and you pushed me away. and i wanted to be here for you -- every day i want to be here for you -- but i was afraid of hurting you, repulsing you, like a caress from something grotesque. this isn't me feeling guilty and picking up loose threads, this isn't a sudden change of heart, this is me, all year, wondering what i am to you, wondering if you hate me, wondering what i can do for you, and thinking, maybe since it's christmas --

but all this time, you were scaling me back. you were cutting me out. and i understand. i mean -- i've got an ascendant in cancer. i hate confrontation, when something goes wrong i pull back. but if there's one thing i can't stand, hypocritical maybe, selfish maybe, it's being manipulated instead of talked to.

easier for both of us? no, miss, it was never easy. but thank you for finally telling me where things stand.