Maybe most women do not have actual clinical eating disorders, but God knows most of them have the eating disorder mentality.
Is me. Dead-on. I love to eat, and food is what keeps people alive, and so I eat. I figure skate, so I know my weight is fine.
And yet, when I gained ten pounds of muscle from said skating, I freaked out. A lot. I had weighed 120-125. Now I weigh 130-135. This is a perfectly normal, healthy weight for me. But I still have this stupid fucking voice in the back of my head telling me that I looked so good when I was younger and was stick-thin--not because I starved myself, but because I never exercised and was depressed and had hardly any appetite.
Why the FUCK do I have to convince myself that gaining ten pounds of muscle is a good thing? Why does it take so much effort to be happy about how fucking strong I am? Why do I desperately wish I could fit into my old skinny jeans? Why can't I be happy about the gorgeous leg muscles I have now?
Some days, I actually think about just...not eating. I have the willpower. I'd be capable of it. But I've also seen what happens to people who do that, and I don't want to BE that. I want to be strong and healthy and not be too thin.
So why do I have this stupid goddamn voice in the back of my mind saying "it'd be so easy, all you'd have to do is drink a lot of water so you'd feel full, you lost seven pounds the week your dog died and you almost stopped eating...come on, you'd look so pretty."
FUCK YOU, voice. Fuck you. I don't know how you got in my head. I've never read those goddamn ~*women's magazines*~ with the airbrushed models. I've never hung around people who told me to lose weight. In fact, when I was borderline underweight, I had people around me who were concerned, asking if I ate enough. I don't understand why I ended up having the Voice anyway. I can't get rid of it.
I can't read books like Skinny Bitch because I think those books would take my eating disorder mentality and turn it into an actual eating disorder. And I hate feeling weak like that. Books like that should roll off me, but they don't.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. The next time I notice myself thinking I'm fat or should eat less or something, I'm going to remember this post and remind myself that I am beautiful, so fuck the goddamn unrealistic standard of beauty.
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This?
Maybe most women do not have actual clinical eating disorders, but God knows most of them have the eating disorder mentality.
Is me. Dead-on. I love to eat, and food is what keeps people alive, and so I eat. I figure skate, so I know my weight is fine.
And yet, when I gained ten pounds of muscle from said skating, I freaked out. A lot. I had weighed 120-125. Now I weigh 130-135. This is a perfectly normal, healthy weight for me. But I still have this stupid fucking voice in the back of my head telling me that I looked so good when I was younger and was stick-thin--not because I starved myself, but because I never exercised and was depressed and had hardly any appetite.
Why the FUCK do I have to convince myself that gaining ten pounds of muscle is a good thing? Why does it take so much effort to be happy about how fucking strong I am? Why do I desperately wish I could fit into my old skinny jeans? Why can't I be happy about the gorgeous leg muscles I have now?
Some days, I actually think about just...not eating. I have the willpower. I'd be capable of it. But I've also seen what happens to people who do that, and I don't want to BE that. I want to be strong and healthy and not be too thin.
So why do I have this stupid goddamn voice in the back of my mind saying "it'd be so easy, all you'd have to do is drink a lot of water so you'd feel full, you lost seven pounds the week your dog died and you almost stopped eating...come on, you'd look so pretty."
FUCK YOU, voice. Fuck you. I don't know how you got in my head. I've never read those goddamn ~*women's magazines*~ with the airbrushed models. I've never hung around people who told me to lose weight. In fact, when I was borderline underweight, I had people around me who were concerned, asking if I ate enough. I don't understand why I ended up having the Voice anyway. I can't get rid of it.
I can't read books like Skinny Bitch because I think those books would take my eating disorder mentality and turn it into an actual eating disorder. And I hate feeling weak like that. Books like that should roll off me, but they don't.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. The next time I notice myself thinking I'm fat or should eat less or something, I'm going to remember this post and remind myself that I am beautiful, so fuck the goddamn unrealistic standard of beauty.