psalm_onethirtyone: (Lost [made by phantomsangel])
Soujin ([personal profile] psalm_onethirtyone) wrote2005-12-14 11:05 pm

"Denmark is Still..."

...My 'people, augh' is starting to kick in worse than usual. I do not want to talk. I just want to hide in my room.

(But I do want to thank everybody who commented on my last post. She was actually very nice about it. Except that she isn't going to have any help that entire month, she let me know, because Karen's getting surgery, so it's just me and her, except it's just her, because I called off augh augh augh augh I am a bad person.)

I do not want to be here. I do not want to-morrow.

...

...I won't get to bed until about two to-night. And I have to be up at seven. Damn. That wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to be on top of things to-day.

I just want to go away, by now. And I wish I weren't getting evaluated for the meds after Christmas--I have a feeling that Christmas is going to be a nightmare.

(Why can't I save the world?)

But earlier to-day I was laughing.

My world is not in the order I want, and I had better go and start working on things now, or they won't get done, and I won't sleep at all.

I think--this is where extra guilt comes in, I suppose--I think I would feel better if I disappeared myself for a few days. But I can't. I don't have--and I can't--and I'm always so reproachful of myself for not being able to fix more things. And I'm so tired. But I can't do this any more, I can't just close windows, and I hate running out of time and I wish.

Why can I not make other people laugh?

Because you know what it is? I hate this. This residual sadness, this extra guilt? It's from not being able to help. It's from reading my flist every day and realising that there are so many people I love and I can't make them happy. No matter how much I'd give, no matter how much I pray, no matter how many wishes I make, no matter where, I can't change the world. I can't make things get better. I hate it. I want to make things better. I want my wanting to be enough. I want that I love so much to be enough to change things. I hate that it's not, and what I hate ends up being me, or if it doesn't it turns into scraps of being tired and being sad and not wanting to be, because I feel I'm failing people.

I wish I could fix. I wish I could help.

I love you, and you, and I love her, and I wish that I could do some thing. Sending letters isn't enough, saying I love you isn't enough, it doesn't change things.

I want to change things.

And I want to change bigger things. It hurts so much reading the newspaper that I've stopped. I've stopped reading Newsweek. I just feel worthless afterwards. I need a job so I have money to donate--there's my logic for the year. I have resolutions that are no good. I want to do something.

And wanting isn't enough. It's never enough. I don't want hard enough.

I have mushroom wishes and Helgafell wishes and stained-glass wishes and nativity creche wishes and I've wished more places than I can remember and I've tied my prayers up in brown paper and blue ribbon, and I've followed rules to make wishes, and I suppose I know well enough that my wishes aren't any good--

...now I want to sleep.

Now I need to do the things I need to do.

[identity profile] gileonnen.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 04:44 am (UTC)(link)
Changing the world starts with changing yourself.

Changing yourself starts with knowing yourself.

You make me happy, and you make me laugh. You make my day a little better knowing you're here, even if you're unhappy, because I'm selfish of your presence. Of course. =)

You can go in no direction from this place that I will not love you, but I suggest that you go in a direction that you will love yourself.
erinpuff: (Hugs)

[personal profile] erinpuff 2005-12-15 04:52 am (UTC)(link)
It does help me when you say you love me or send cards. Honestly. :) I know what you mean, though, and I feel the same way. I remember there was one day a few weeks ago where you and my roommate were both malcontent and stuff, and I felt so bad that I couldn't be with you because I felt like I couldn't do anything to help from across the Internet, and then I realized that I couldn't do much to help my roommate either even though she was sitting right next to me. :-\ I could talk to her and say nice things, but I couldn't fix what was wrong.

And uggghhh I know what you mean about reading the newspaper. I feel horribly guilty because after the election I kind of stopped paying attention to politics, but it's because there isn't anything I can do and so waaah.

*hugs*

[identity profile] mhari.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 04:56 am (UTC)(link)
I love you. So much. *hugs enormously*

And if you need to disappear for a few days, you should.

[identity profile] la-lanterne.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 07:45 am (UTC)(link)
Of course your wishes help. Take the day when I got your card - it cheered me up no end because I'd just gotten to that point of making the dress where I felt hopelessly stuck - and your card cheered me up again. Don't say you don't make a difference because you do.

Ew, newspapers. So horribly depressing.

[identity profile] fish-bananas.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 09:06 am (UTC)(link)
We must all feel a bit of that -- wanting too much, wanting and wanting and wanting to light every lamp-post in every corner of the Earth all at the same time, to bring a beautiful sunset to everyone, a smile, a laugh and a warmth in their hearts. But I think -- I think that there is a way, there must be -- there will be a time when we know it, maybe it won't be tomorrow, but that's what we have to look forward to. We don't know it yet, but someday. Someday. The bad things never stay; they grind and press down, but they never stay. The good things do. Your love does. And for one, you make me laugh -- you make me happy, so very much. Chin up and smile yourself, that makes so many more people happy than you'd expect. I love you. :)

[identity profile] silverdragon262.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 10:49 am (UTC)(link)
It's the small things, you know.

The smiles. The letters. The postcards. The dyed eggs. Little bags of lavendar tied with ribbon. The phone calls. The I love yous. The equallys. The words written in dust that take months to disappear. The ripped CDs. The typist notes. The photographs. The picspams. The ribbons. The glitter. The surprises.

The small things-- the small things that become large things because that's what small things do. And of course, there are the large things. Packages. Visits. I love yous-- for they shouldn't be under 'small things' at all. Smiles-- for neither should they.

You can't change the world-- not in any way that you think about. You can't snap your fingers and make things better, not like that. But you can't forget that just because you can't... it doesn't mean that you aren't changing anything. It doesn't mean that there isn't someone (or many someones, judging by your f-list) who smile a few times every day just because of you. Someone who gets a letter or an IM or-- or anything-- and is just a little happier, a little warmer inside. It happens. That's the sort of thing that always happens, and we don't even think about it that much. It's a lot more than it seems.

I think you underestimate what you do. I think you underestimate what you give. And I think you underestimate what you are. Of course, I can really only speak for myself, but. But you mean a lot to me and do a lot for me-- even when you're not trying to do anything.

I know you don't feel like it's enough, not for the world, and it may never feel like enough for the world-- the world's a big place, after all-- but it's a lot, Miss Soujin, and you should know that.

[identity profile] karla-yonit.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 11:32 am (UTC)(link)
...ack. I cannot answer as well. Listen to the other people! *hugs*

[identity profile] little-lady-d.livejournal.com 2005-12-16 01:03 am (UTC)(link)
well, no, from a perfectly technical standpoint, saying 'i love you' doesn't change anything -- i can say i love you all i like, and it won't make mirrors show you things you want to see, it won't give you all the time you could ever need to sleep and dream and read, it won't make you wake up everyday smiling -- and you can say you love me all you like, but there are parts of the past, parts of the future, that i still don't want, that no one can change -- we are not talking about change change, we are not talking about revolutions, we are not talking about isn't the world a perfect place -- we are talking about love.

i don't even know what i'm talking about, truth be told. but why do we say 'i love you,' if it doesn't change anything ...? if i had to define love, i would say it's what makes a person want to live. living isn't always happily ever after, but if you love, if you're loved -- there's something in the world that's worth it. there's something beautiful, something you don't want to lose. there's a girl whose voice makes me laugh with delight, who thinks of me and sends me shiny things, and the rest of the world hasn't changed, and yet --

yet.