"It Just So Happens I Do Paint Them Green..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I cannot really say whether to-day went well or badly.

I can say that I need to make a cake to-morrow, and that I promised to go to work, and that Karen was in a terrible car accident and is in ICU (if anyone wouldn't mind adding her to their prayers, that would be so wonderful), and that I truly do not know what is going on--really at all.

I can say that Mum told me to-day that she's afraid she raised me 'without good bones--no, the word I want is thoughtful. You and your sister never think about other people. Well, no, you think about other people--you never think about me. Neither of you ever does anything nice for me, and it seems like I'm always doing so much for you'. And she's laughing right now and dancing in the kitchen while she makes cookies with Waen--Waen doesn't have to think about the guilt that comes with this, but I do, and it's going to last for a least a week, and I'm going to try so hard, and she's going to be angry because I'm doing it because she 'reminded me'. >__< And I feel like this is such a typical teenager behaviour on my part. I'm complaining about my mother, for heaven's sake. She's a wonderful mother, and one of the sweetest, most beautiful ladies I know, and some how I'm not doing enough, and I'm glad she alerted me so I can try to correct it but she hasn't spoken much to me to-day, and when I kiss her she gives me a very flat 'don't try that' look, even though I'm not trying, I'm truly not--

Family-wise, to-day I do not win in the slightest. At the library, on the other hand, I managed four hours of rainy-day after-school shelving, and felt like a whirlwind set free, like I was accomplishing things. I was good for patron reference, got all my shelving done while juggling check-outs and check-ins, dropped an entire case of DVDs and put them all back in order, and handled my patrons really well--I think really well. I managed to drag things out of the recesses of my mind specifically for the people I was serving, and I thought, look, Soujin's a real librarian--look what Soujin's accomplishing. I'm learning this from Mary-Jane, I'm learning what to say, how to treat regulars, details that will make patrons feel their interests are being noticed--good things.

So I keep changing between feeling strong and wonderful, and feeling like a very bad child (I've always struggled with feeling like the disappointing child, between Waen and I, for what it's worth--this is so ad misericordum, though, the logic book would hate me). And I'll never get to bed to-night without being drugged, unfortunately.

Comments

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth . . . I feel the same way about my family. You may need to do what I did--you may need to ask them to tell you what they want, because I know that I would dearly like to show my family how I love them, but I don't know how to. *hugs you close* Just like with the patrons; sometimes, you don't know how to anticipate what they want until they've asked you for what they want lots of times. And you've gotten better with the patrons, so if your mother asks, then surely you'll get better with her as well?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I've been doing that, but she's giving me very loaded answers that don't really help with the problem. *hugsonto*

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

>.< *hugsontoback* The lady a post below is dead right, though--everything she said seems to me to be eminently logical. Listen to her. (I got your card today--and it was utter joy, utter joy, I kissed the back of it and I'm sure the people on the sidewalk must've thought me a loon--maybe if you wrote your mother cards . . .?)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Nanni is v. good at being logical. Is one of many incredibly wonderful things about her. ^___^ I shall obey her. (--Ohhh, good. ^__^ I'm glad you got it! But really, just a very silly little note and Hamlet wrote in it which makes it sillier--)

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Most excellent. ^__^ (It was the best sort of silly, though! There was a zebra! And Hamlet's handwriting is even more indecipherable than Laertes's, which is saying something. Fortunately, Horatio can puzzle it out. Lastly, was that Daddy!Forti who came onto me in neat handwriting at the end?)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^)^ (Sillyyyyy. --Wasn't the zebra cute? This week I have new dragonflies--I need to send you one. ...Ahaha. Hamlet writes dreadfully. And yes, yes, it was. XD)

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

(The zebra made my day--especially because he likes Gils, although I'm not sure there are more of me. *grin* I'm glad for notes, always--from anyone, in any handwriting, to anyone. They're like getting a present. ^______^)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

(There are probably many, many Gils. They just spell it with a U. ^___^ Well, then...! You shall have to get some more.)

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

(And you must have more, as well! ^___^ (ought I to spell it with a U? but "Gilu" wouldn't be quite the same thing at all-- ^_~))

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

(Not unless you've time, Miss Gil. (Silly! It's spelled Ugil!))

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

(I've time--and time convenient to writing, no less. (Oh--that's much more palatable!))