"It Just So Happens I Do Paint Them Green..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I cannot really say whether to-day went well or badly.

I can say that I need to make a cake to-morrow, and that I promised to go to work, and that Karen was in a terrible car accident and is in ICU (if anyone wouldn't mind adding her to their prayers, that would be so wonderful), and that I truly do not know what is going on--really at all.

I can say that Mum told me to-day that she's afraid she raised me 'without good bones--no, the word I want is thoughtful. You and your sister never think about other people. Well, no, you think about other people--you never think about me. Neither of you ever does anything nice for me, and it seems like I'm always doing so much for you'. And she's laughing right now and dancing in the kitchen while she makes cookies with Waen--Waen doesn't have to think about the guilt that comes with this, but I do, and it's going to last for a least a week, and I'm going to try so hard, and she's going to be angry because I'm doing it because she 'reminded me'. >__< And I feel like this is such a typical teenager behaviour on my part. I'm complaining about my mother, for heaven's sake. She's a wonderful mother, and one of the sweetest, most beautiful ladies I know, and some how I'm not doing enough, and I'm glad she alerted me so I can try to correct it but she hasn't spoken much to me to-day, and when I kiss her she gives me a very flat 'don't try that' look, even though I'm not trying, I'm truly not--

Family-wise, to-day I do not win in the slightest. At the library, on the other hand, I managed four hours of rainy-day after-school shelving, and felt like a whirlwind set free, like I was accomplishing things. I was good for patron reference, got all my shelving done while juggling check-outs and check-ins, dropped an entire case of DVDs and put them all back in order, and handled my patrons really well--I think really well. I managed to drag things out of the recesses of my mind specifically for the people I was serving, and I thought, look, Soujin's a real librarian--look what Soujin's accomplishing. I'm learning this from Mary-Jane, I'm learning what to say, how to treat regulars, details that will make patrons feel their interests are being noticed--good things.

So I keep changing between feeling strong and wonderful, and feeling like a very bad child (I've always struggled with feeling like the disappointing child, between Waen and I, for what it's worth--this is so ad misericordum, though, the logic book would hate me). And I'll never get to bed to-night without being drugged, unfortunately.

Comments

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth . . . I feel the same way about my family. You may need to do what I did--you may need to ask them to tell you what they want, because I know that I would dearly like to show my family how I love them, but I don't know how to. *hugs you close* Just like with the patrons; sometimes, you don't know how to anticipate what they want until they've asked you for what they want lots of times. And you've gotten better with the patrons, so if your mother asks, then surely you'll get better with her as well?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I've been doing that, but she's giving me very loaded answers that don't really help with the problem. *hugsonto*

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

>.< *hugsontoback* The lady a post below is dead right, though--everything she said seems to me to be eminently logical. Listen to her. (I got your card today--and it was utter joy, utter joy, I kissed the back of it and I'm sure the people on the sidewalk must've thought me a loon--maybe if you wrote your mother cards . . .?)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Nanni is v. good at being logical. Is one of many incredibly wonderful things about her. ^___^ I shall obey her. (--Ohhh, good. ^__^ I'm glad you got it! But really, just a very silly little note and Hamlet wrote in it which makes it sillier--)

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Most excellent. ^__^ (It was the best sort of silly, though! There was a zebra! And Hamlet's handwriting is even more indecipherable than Laertes's, which is saying something. Fortunately, Horatio can puzzle it out. Lastly, was that Daddy!Forti who came onto me in neat handwriting at the end?)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^)^ (Sillyyyyy. --Wasn't the zebra cute? This week I have new dragonflies--I need to send you one. ...Ahaha. Hamlet writes dreadfully. And yes, yes, it was. XD)

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

(The zebra made my day--especially because he likes Gils, although I'm not sure there are more of me. *grin* I'm glad for notes, always--from anyone, in any handwriting, to anyone. They're like getting a present. ^______^)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

(There are probably many, many Gils. They just spell it with a U. ^___^ Well, then...! You shall have to get some more.)

[tiamatschild.livejournal.com]

*huuuugs* Honey, probably what your Mom's feeling isn't really about you personally. It's a kids thing. And possibly a father thing, too. You're the eldest child currently at home, so you're catching the brunt of the family imbalances and how they rebound. Even though your mother's fantastic, she's human, and that's bound to happen.

My mama's amazing and it happens to me too. It sucks, it's hard to deal with, it's not entirely fair, but it's not a reflection of your actual worth as a daughter.

*snugsnugs*

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

*points to this* Just what she said.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Really? Is it a natural thing to happen? And--I know she's getting more and more and more frustrated with Daddy, which might have something to do with it. And--that kind of makes sense, because I know all these things that Waen's not supposed to know, things that I sometimes wish didn't get told to me either.

*clings*

[tiamatschild.livejournal.com]

Yep. That's all very familiar to me, sweetheart. *huuuuuugs* The leaning on the eldest is a pretty common thing, yes, and being scared and maybe a little bit resentful about it is only natural. You'd have to be a Bodhisattva already not to.

*cuddles!*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*clingsespecially* Thank you so much.

[erinpuff]

**hugs** It's totally not my place to say this at all, so please forgive me, but I don't think your mum should have said that either. :p Soujin + not doing nice things for someone = does not compute. You obviously care about other people, including your family. So there.

Oh, and the "grr you're only doing this because I told you to" is urgh, should she actually do that. My grandmother said things like that to me all the time--she guilt-tripped or conned me into going downstairs to visit her and then complained at me about how I never visited unless she made me. Which was a real incentive to visit more, of course. :p

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*clingsto* There's this thing that when we're together she usually does for me, and to-day I had the opportunity to do it for her, but didn't, and she mentioned that at the time so I tried to do it for her but she wouldn't let me (is a very small thing), and that was when it first started this time, but she's actually gotten upset with me for the same reason a few times in the past. Not over the same thing, but for the same reason.

;______________; It's so guilt-inducing.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

I think it's a really common reaction to being a parent, after having been a parent for so many years. My mom does the same thing, but my mom's been a parent for thirty years, and she's probably not a very good example anyway. I mean, when you think about the "I'm always doing so much for you," and I mean really think about it, you have to remember that it means things like changing one's entire life to have a child, feeding, clothing, teaching, supporting-- and while that's all the normal parts of being a parent, there's not really much that a child can do to rival it, is there, because in the natural balance of the relationship, the parent gives and the child recieves. So maybe it's a parent issue? Not that it's not a sign that maybe you should talk to her, ask her what she needs that you're not giving (because if she doesn't tell you, how are you supposed to know?) and see if you can give it. But it definitely sounds like something that's not on your end of the relationship, or not entirely.

It also is a normal teenager-issue. Teenagers are ungrateful and parents tell their teenagers that they are; it's because you and Waen are both getting past the age where you need her for everything. That really does change the dynamic, and I think that because you're older than Waen and in some ways have had to grow up faster, you'll feel the changes first.

...but you know, my family doesn't possess any sort of affection at all, so you're welcome to ignore me.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

...because I'm totally going to ignore you. Really.

See, that makes sense. Maybe that's even why I posted about it, because I knew (i hoped) that other people would understand it and know what it meant, because your family may fail at affection, but I fail at having any sort of real-world training whatsoever, and therefore common issues don't make any sense to me. I mean, don't most girls fight with their mothers all the time? We do maybe once every few months, and it always leaves me feeling like the bottom of my world's fallen out.

So I don't know what's normal. I really don't. And--you've had more experience than I have, you've had friends whose parents you actually met, you've just had so much more that you might have read about or seen or anything just to compare with, so it's reassuring to hear what you have to say.

So thank you. <3 Ignore you, ha.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

...well, you might.

Most girls fight with their mothers all the time; most teens fight with their parents all the time, or their siblings, or both. It's-- normal, it is really, and while it's absolutely wonderful that you have the family relationship that you do, but it also seems that it's easily shaken because it's not shaken often. So you should try to remember to take that into account, too. Little pitfalls like this don't mean that your relationship with your mom isn't good or even great; they're just things that everybody goes through, but that manifest differently in different families. (My family clashes a lot more than yours does, it seems like, and so there's more tension, but it also means that little tensions aren't that unusual, so that obviously changes the way we deal with it.)

It's definitely normal, I promise. Your mom probably shouldn't have told you that, but she probably did because she thought she could. At least she tells you, though, because otherwise she'd just be unhappy in silence. (Also, it'll probably always be different for Waen, because she's the second child and will always be the baby, no matter what. As much as my mom and I don't get along sometimes, it's always been different than how she and my sister didn't get along.)

♥ ♥ What would you think about trying to talk to her about what you wrote about? I mean, maybe it's not the right time, but it's something to think about. It might not hurt to express some of your frustration; after all, it is like you want her to feel like she's not being taken care of. (From what I have heard, I think you do an exceptional amount of nice things for her, and that you two are exceptionally close, but it is really something that is different for every relationship.) But I don't know if that would help at all.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Still good so far!

*hugs onto* Thank you so much. I don't know, yes?--thank you.

I don't know. I might--bring it up later, when she's feeling better. It's definitely worth talking about.

♥ ♥ ♥

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

♥ ♥ ♥ I think you're a wonderful daughter, for what it's worth. And I think your mom does too-- I hope she can figure out how to tell you what she needs.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*--clings* Stoppit. I'm going to cry. ksdgfdklj I hope so too.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

;_______; Don't cry. What did I do? *snuggles*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Were much too nice for me. *clingcling*

[josiana.livejournal.com]

Eeep. She probably could've phrased that better. Maybe she's just frustrated with things in general? It's not quite fair to you, though.

But, despite my terrible advice, I'm sorry. *hugs*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*snugglestight* I don't know. I guess we all have bad days. She seems much happier to-day, and I've been trying to be very aware of things.