Whoever Dances is One with the Universe

Braxtonisms of the semester so far:

On America's scale of political career-death: "Gay is wormy. If you're an atheist, you're sub-wormy."

"We don't mean bad in a judgmental, negative sense. We mean bad in a nice way."

"If you can't think of a response, just say reproduction. It's always right."

On gossip: "He can benchpress like 900 pounds, he must take calcium supplements or something."

( More selections from Religion and War: )

Despite the fact that I SWEAR it is for a legitimate project, there are few things more awkward than trying to download pictures of nekkid men while volunteering at the library.

...Of course, once I broke down and admitted what I was doing, and why, everyone pitched in to help. I have never seen so much enthusiasm over one of my terrible art missions before.

It wouldn't be a true clusterfuck of a week without something else going wrong, and on that note I went home early from my client yesterday with acute gastritis. :D! Which was okay, in terms of her care, because she went to the hospital! Yeah. But she's home to-day, and I'm supposed to see her, only I feel not great, so I am waiting for Mama to get home with medicine and then I'm going in for part of my shift, because there's no one else to see her and my guilt and responsibility complexes know no bounds. THIS IS HOW I ROLL.

A partial shift shouldn't be so bad. It'll only be five and a half hours, and the toughest part is driving, with the pain, which is what the medicine is for. ...sigh, what is my life.

So I'm sure everyone is desperately interested in hearing the continuation of the Saga of the Insurance Company from Hell (yes, you are).

Yesterday my doctor told me that she had called the insurance company again and faxed them being all URGENT URGENT MY PATIENT IS DYING PLZ SEND HER HER MEDS, and she assured me, when I phoned, that they had told her I would be authorised to have them within twenty-four hours. So this morning I ran to the pharmacy, because I'm out again.

Where the pharmacist told me, as nicely as possible, that the insurance company had NOT authorised my scrip and everyone was now out for the weekend, so it was unlikely I would be authorised until Tuesday. He also suggested that I call the insurance company and grovel to them on Tuesday. In the meantime, I could buy some meds out of pocket.

Now, because the pill I'm taking does not come in 225 mg caps, which is the dose I take, I have to take three 75 mg caps every day. Which means in order to get by until Tuesday, I had to buy twelve caps instead of four. And because Mama is broke right now, I paid for them with my birthday money. ;___; Which is just a minor complaint, honestly, because at least I have money, but I am whinging because I wanted to get art supplies with it.

So my plan is to call the insurance company on Tuesday. Yayyy! In the meantime, I have incredibly expensive medication, and a twelve-hour shift at work to-morrow.

On the PLUS SIDE, Maria and Mama and I went clothes shopping to-day and I managed to find two pairs of jeans that fit, as well as a really cute denim skirt and even a pair of shorts (which is disguised to look like a skirt, which suits me just fine). Which is great, since usually the fact that I am shaped exactly like a hobbit makes clothes shopping a fairly traumatic experience. I also made cupcakes for a party to-morrow that I will not get to go to, but they turned out really nicely! Even though I burnt my hands, bleh.

Yeah. If it weren't for this insurance thing, my life would be going pretty nicely overall.

I'm beginning to feel tentatively more optimistic, although the last few weeks have made me somewhat cautious of that feeling and my brain doesn't exactly know if it should relax yet (answer: NO. NEVER RELAX).

My schedule for senior year had me in a complete panic, but then I thought, "Look, every time I see my advisor, not only does he treat me like a person who has just as much likelihood of having a life and career as someone without a mental illness, he also tends to have an excellent objective perspective and is really good at sorting out the tangles I wind myself into". So I met with him to-day, and lo and behold in an hour he had neatly pointed out the problems I created and helped me fix them. The only thing we couldn't do was find the final upper-level credit required for me to graduate, and he solved that by creating an independent study just for me. It just so happens to be something he's fascinated by and wants to study more, too. :D :D :D

Something that I just-- I don't even know how to word it, but it makes me feel so calm and secure when I'm explaining a problem to him, because people tend to tell me, "Look, you can be someone, but first you have to be well," and that panics me, because I'm not sure that I ever will be. Inevitably, he acts like it doesn't matter if I'm sick or well--the only issue is finding ways to make life make concessions to my illness, and not vice-versa. And that is just so unbelievably reassuring to me that I can't believe it. He makes me feel like no matter what, the things I want to do are possible.

Anxiety too bad to let you go abroad for a semester? Easy! Go abroad on a shorter, two-week, class trip with a professor and students you already know. You get the abroad experience and you'll have a responsible adult to help you do self-checks mentally.

Not possible to take an extra semester to graduate? Easy! Drop this course and this course, you don't actually need them, sub in this one-credit course, and I'll make you an independent study! Good to go.

Might have to take some time off to go to the hospital? Easy! Be here when you get back.

He just does this, and I don't feel like I'm imposing because he always acts like it's totally a normal part of the trajectory of life and there's nothing out of the ordinary about any of these things, and it just absolutely kills me. But in a good way. Having this man for an advisor was one of the best choices I ever made here, for sure.

In other news, I slept over with the_chloroplast and skyerana last night, and it was really nice. We watched bad films and Arielle played Prince of Persia and made fun of it hilariously. Also, Liz asked me to dinner to-night; and I had an hour and a half long talk on Skype with Jen. I am still feeling really ginger around my friends, and fairly nervous, but they are really great friends, and I'm really fortunate, and I hope that will help me to relax soon.

Also, I am going to kidnap raanve and steal her away from her husband. She doesn't know this, but I am.

(I have two papers to write, but I also owe eremon_lass Percy/Gawain. I WONDER WHICH ONE GETS DONE TO-NIGHT.)

So unfortunately last night I got one of the worst migraines I have ever had, which might not have been quite as big a deal except that the girl next door's friend (a mutual friend, as it happens) was breaking up with his boyfriend, drunkenly, over the phone, from midnight until two a.m. when I stumbled over bleary-eyed and knocked on the door. The first thing I heard was, "Oh God, it's Soujin," but before I could flee he opened the door.

Him: AHHH I knew it was you I'm SO SORRY. ;____; *GIANT HUG*
Me: I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I know that you're having a really important conversation!
Him: I'm SORRY. I'm a terrible person!
Me: No you're not! I'm sorry!
Her: Yeah, we're mediating a break-up.
Me: ;____; I know, I'm sorry.
Her: Wait, you know?
Me: Aaaaaaahhh I'm so sorry.
Her: You can hear that much detail?
Me: SORRY ;___________;
Her: Did you know it's about cheating?
Me: ;____;
Her: Oh, my God.
Me: I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I wouldn't have said anything but I have a migraine and right now I want to rip my optic nerve right out of my head--
Her: Oh, my God. Go back to bed, I'll make him shut up.
Me: Ahhhhhh sorry!
Him: AHHHHH SORRRY.

After that it was a bit quieter, though. And I suppose this has gotten around the worrisome question of whether or not to tell her I can hear her having sex.

Anyway, I lay there for the rest of the night wondering whether the best solution was to take my razor and carve my eyeball out, or whether shooting myself in the face would be more effective. It's dulled some, but it still hasn't really gone away. Apparently the magnesium really did do something. Sigh.

It is so typical. Some super cute Minnow boy bicycles by and smiles at you and waves, and there you are, holding the body of a smushed guinea by the feet, its head dripping blood on the pavement, and its intestines trying to sneak out by using your dress as a ladder. >_>

I buried it in the orchard, and good riddance.

Uh.

So Firefox kind of exploded. I can't open it any more. When I try, it gives me some kind of error message that is literally three-quarters off the screen and all that's showing is the button you can click to make it go away, so I have no idea what it actually says. I can't find a keyboard command to drag it.

When I click the button, Firefox kind of opens, but it's a blank page and the toolbar (File Edit View History &c) doesn't show up, so all I can do is close it.

What is going on? ;______; Help I have no clue what this is. Any ideas?

Edit: I fixed it! I am keeping my fingers crossed and knocking on wood in case this is a lie, but I just got back from my anthro exam and forced it to work. Now I can stop hyperventilating into a bag! Yay!

There is a LOT of healthy white male[1] privilege happening in my philosophy class right now. Like, a LOT. I'm starting to feel a little squicky.

Seriously, one of the guys just said that Darwin would endorse removing black people from the gene pool because their IQs aren't as high as those of white people. And the word 'retard' is getting bandied about quite a lot, as well.

I honestly think that when you start talking about social fitness and social Darwinism and people who 'should' be removed from the gene pool you are edging dangerously close to a certain twentieth century view held by a Very Bad Man.

I kind of want to duct tape a lot of people's mouths shut right now.

[1]none of the girls are talking, they may have healthy white privilege too, don't ask me.

Oh lord. Okay. So the drag show was to-night. The one where I went as Hugh Hefner, and Shawn was a Playboy Bunny?

We won third place. We won third place. It was incredible. I can't describe the experience to you.

But here are a few of the photos I currently have: I did my own makeup. Also, check out my amazingly manly arm hair. It didn't actually show in the final product because my sleeves were buttoned, but. And my hair has Reed Richards stripes because that's what Hef has in some of the pictures. And that pipe is my grandfather's. And to-day is Hugh Hefner's birthday. Or yesterday. Anyway, I hope someone else has photos, especially of our act, because it went so beautifully.

Also, Jen is sleeping in my bed. I wonder if I can get her to make room for me.