Whoever Dances is One with the Universe

Ash Wednesday service! It was really nice, although we had a visiting priest and she gave a very, very condescending sermon about how it is petty and trivial to give up things like chocolate or cola for Lent. Since I've given up both of those, I lol'd quietly to myself in my pew. Then she said that she had made a significant change to her personality by taking on the responsibility of being less grouchy in the morning, and resolving not to frown at people. So, on that note, I've resolved to frown at people for no reason during Lent. I mean, let's face it, if you're going to tell people not to give up petty things for Lent, you better damn well have devoted all your spare time to AmeriCorps work in New Orleans or personally weaving blankets of your hair for orphans or something.

Anyway, there was this terribly old lady who kept coughing like she was about to die during the sermon--not really any other time--and that got me thinking. When I am old, I am going to take full advantage of my oldness to cough inappropriately when people are saying things I don't like. And no one will dare to tell me to stop, because they'll all be afraid I'm about to have an aneurysm. Don't tell me this plan isn't perfect, because I am going with it.

Also, for erinpuff: It struck me to-day that all of our church bulletins are printed in Papyrus, and I wept inside.

And before that I got harassed by a creepy boy at the library! But that's kind of incidental.

Um giez?

I have a girlfriend.

Her name is Jen, and she is completely amazing--she's smart and funny and cute and tall! and she wants to be a copy-editor. She has really short red hair and three piercings in each ear and a nose ring, and wears mostly boys' clothes. Our feet are not quite the same size. She makes jokes that I almost always get, and on Saturday last we walked down to the park and ate lunch together on the swings. She's also kind of shy, and I hugely embarrassed her by asking her out in front of a bunch of people.

Also, I told Ethan Nulton to go fuck himself, because he told me that Steph doesn't deserve to have a service dog at school for her depression, and she should "just suck it up and take Valium". I told him that medications can fuck you up so bad you don't know which way's up, and if a dog can make you feel just as good then there's no reason in hell you shouldn't have your dog for emotional support, and I was really glad that she'd gotten permission. And then when he laughed, that's when I said he could go fuck himself. And then I walked away and tried not to throw up in a corner, and a bunch of people came over and told me I did a good job saying something, which was nice, but I still wanted to throw up.

And asking Jen out didn't really help with that at the offset, but now I feel really glad I did, because she said yes, and-- yeah. It's going to be great. I am going to make it be great.

Also, I dropped her metal water bottle on my foot and it glanced all the skin off my toe. So, um, yeah. I am too happy to care, but I am going to try to get some emergency medical care done. And then I will try to get my homework done, oh God oh God.

Edit: We talked a little on Skype and when I said good-night I said 'love you!' and she said love you back! Ahhhhh!

Ohhh, to-day was a cake made of badness--a triple-layer Bad cake with Bad frosting and a Badberry jam filling. I hate filled cakes.

Woke up at seven for Anthro, seriously considered skipping, did not skip, got my exam back, and then got into a fight with the professor. >_< Because she stated that band societies were totally egalitarian, and then went on to say that in band societies men were considered expendable. I asked how they could then be egalitarian. She said because men's work was valued as much as women's. I said that wasn't what I was asking. She said that I was missing the point. I said that it didn't seem possible to state that a society was egalitarian and then say the lives of a portion of that society were valued less. She said that they didn't see it that way. I said that it wasn't a question of how they viewed it, it still wasn't egalitarian. She said that I just wanted to argue with her. I wished that I had skipped class after all.

...anyway, I did skip French so I could work on my philosophy paper, which is due Friday. I worked on it for six hours, stopping only to go to Religion, and to go to supper at the Chinese restaurant with Charlie, Liz, Phil, Matt, Shawn, and Liz's friends.

Shawn was surprisingly nice. Charlie was an asshole and made me have an anxiety attack. Then we went to Wal*Mart and I had another anxiety attack because Wal*Mart is fucking huge and I had to go sit in the foyer and breathe into my hands. Charlie was so asshole-y that he actually apologised for his behaviour, something he has literally never done before, and that includes the time he punched me for surprising him when I was a freshman. It did not help, incidentally. He is no longer a Safe person, and honestly this is a time I can ill afford to be losing Safe people. I don't get them all that often. Now I feel sick to my stomach when I'm around him.

Then I worked on the essay until eleven, when Michelle kidnapped me and we reached the high point of the day, which was her reading to me and Maggie (we finished our book!). And now it's one a.m., I haven't checked any of my sites, I'm still not done with the goddamn essay (I have all eight pages of text, but I still have to organise and clarify and basically make them not suck), and I need to get to bed because I have therapy to-morrow morning which I probably need, not least because I really don't want to go to it. I am going through one of those squicky periods where I really really hate talking to a therapist.

...I am going to go lie in my bed and hate everything. I haven't even gotten any other homework done for any of my other classes because of this.

Dear Livejournal,

A few weeks ago I decided to ask out a very cute boy in my French class. He was pretty sweet and he wears sweater vests unironically, which made him very attractive to me. I asked him if he would go to a movie with me. He said yes.

He then proceeded not to talk to me for a week. Liz and I decided I had made him nervous by asking him out, so when I saw him again I cornered him and asked him whether it wouldn't be nice to have dinner before the movie so we could talk to each other and get to know each other better. He agreed that that might be nice, then told me he wanted to take things very slow because his last girlfriend had "scarred" him. I agreed. I told him to let me know what movie he'd like to go to.

He then proceeded not to e-mail me or in any way contact me. So I sent him an e-mail telling him I thought maybe he had felt pressured into the date and if that were the case I completely understood and it would be okay with me to call it off. I wanted to make sure he knew that I wasn't going to be offended if he wasn't okay with the idea of going on a date, even a low-key one.

He never answered, so I assumed the answer was no and the evening we had planned to go out passed by. I ended up hiding in Shawn's room with Liz and Shawn and Dani, watching a movie and reassuring myself that I had handled the situation as well as possible.

This afternoon, he sent me the following e-mail: "we never went on that "date" like last weekend, then you started ignoring me in class. I mean you didn't even try to talk to me about it.

Well I'm at my home right now, and am then headed to California, so we won't see each other for a while, but if you still want to drop me a line next semester."

I feel that I am being reprimanded for something that wasn't my fault, however rational or irrational that feeling may be. I decided to write him back asking whether he had gotten my original e-mail, and suggested that there might have been a miscommunication. He hasn't replied yet.

I'm starting to think this whole "boys" thing may be a silly idea.