psalm_onethirtyone: (Narwhals Narwhals Swimmin' in the Ocean)
To-day has been. I don't even know.

This morning was nice! I went out to lunch with Dani and her friends, and one of them bought my lunch for me! And then I went to start work on the Project with Andy, and we got the whole photographing part done, which is awesome.

The problem is that it took almost six hours, and we were in a small studio with lots of bright lights, and I have had the worst migraine ever since. On top of that I didn't get to eat until late, and I feel really terrible. I also realised I have an essay due to-morrow that's six pages. Edit except the professor just e-mailed me and said it's due next weekend, OH GOD THANK GOD.

So I'm kind of rolling around on the floor in misery right now.

Thursday was horrible -- I ran out of medication and failed an exam and decided to take a conciliatory nap at eight and ended up sleeping all the way until eight the next morning, and then Friday all I did was homework and brief hanging out with [ profile] the_chloroplast and [ profile] immoralwitness and Kat until they went out to a bar, and then I hung out with [ profile] isjusterin to maintain my sanity. And then TO-DAY OH GOD.

Also my mother has been leaving hundreds of passive-aggressive voicemails and e-mails in my inboxes this week, oh my God I want to die and not have to talk to her. She talked to me to-day but she still wants me to call to-morrow as well. I need to call Maria instead so I can weep all over her and have her understand.

Basically EVERYTHING IS CRAZY and when I tried to intimate this fact to Mama she just said, "oh you always worry about everything" all dismissively. Which makes me angry, because she's the one producing most of the pressure on me right now.

...Somebody write me some nice Arthurian porn. I need it.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Not Me! Erro ero)
It wouldn't be a true clusterfuck of a week without something else going wrong, and on that note I went home early from my client yesterday with acute gastritis. :D! Which was okay, in terms of her care, because she went to the hospital! Yeah. But she's home to-day, and I'm supposed to see her, only I feel not great, so I am waiting for Mama to get home with medicine and then I'm going in for part of my shift, because there's no one else to see her and my guilt and responsibility complexes know no bounds. THIS IS HOW I ROLL.

A partial shift shouldn't be so bad. It'll only be five and a half hours, and the toughest part is driving, with the pain, which is what the medicine is for. ...sigh, what is my life.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Not Me! Erro ero)

--tried a new type of cupcake to-day, with zero success -- I think I gauged the size wrong (upgraded them from a mini to a full-size, and they were too dense). Oh, well.
--however, amused by the way I can discover a need for any liqueur and my parents will have it. Hello, eighty-year-old bottle of kirsch hiding under the counter.
--the eggs keep having little embryo chickens in them, despite the fact that we have no rooster. If this is a message from God, I wish He'd make it less obscure/gross.
--got my July schedule in the post to-day, it is awful. I'm working every weekend this month plus the Fourth of July. Blehhh. I know I was whining last month about not getting enough shifts, but now I am taking it back, for the love of little kittens, eesh.
--I will have to tell them I can't do the eleventh, because for some ungodly reason I am going to the ~spa~, thank you Mama's best friend. I don't know what exactly they do to you at the spa, but apparently it takes all day, so. I will have to see if I can get the invisible Mandi (I have never met her, I just know she works the client on the days I'm not there) to cover for me.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Cascade Pond)
So my party went surprisingly well. I haven't had a party since I was about. Eesh. Thirteen or fourteen? And it was kind of a disaster, but this went well. So that was nice.

I'm over Jen, which has its good and bad aspects. It was nice to see her again, though, and get to find out for sure whether or not I'm still attracted to her. A part of me is relieved, because relationships are scary and complicated, but another part of me is sad because relationships still present that lure of "ooooh, somebody likes you, you might actually be a worthwhile person". But. I was reminded of how attractive and fun to be around Arielle is -- I mentioned offhand that I'd had a crush on her to Mama, and Mama said, "I bet you did. She's cute and charming and smart!" and I went "YES I NOTICED". Then she laughed and said, "But she's in love with that Michele girl," which made me laugh because it is, in fact, true, but no one had told Mama that. And Dani was really great and helped to keep things relaxed and flowing, which was good, because by the end of the second night I was pretty worn out and not feeling all that emotionally prepared to be a good hostess.

But Jen brought me back a sheep from Scotland! :D And Michele and Ashley gave me a pair of octopus earrings, as well as some bandaids called "Jesus adhesives", which, as you might expect, have the visage of the Christ on them. They are sweet, although I won't be able to wear them around here.

And then to-day for Father's Day we went kayaking on the river, which took four hours and badly exceeded my tolerance for kayaking, but Daddy had a good time. I accidentally turned over my kayak and lost my expensive "THIS watch should last you a couple years at least!" Christmas watch. >___< Mama was pretty upset until I started weeping. Also, now I am sunburned all over.

I am also exhausted, but I'm off work to-morrow, so I will do low-key things like fixing the new barrier for the poults (they can climb over the old one now) and writing thank-you notes and maybe spending my birthday gift card to ModCloth. I am too fat to wear any of their dresses, sadly, without looking like an idiot, but I thought maybe I could try to get some cute shoes or jewellery or something.

Also, my first appointment with my photographer for my sekrit summer project is Tuesday! I'm so excited. ^____^
psalm_onethirtyone: (Annie with Red Hair)
Last night Forge died -- not as traumatic as it might have been, since he was my unfriendly hermit crab who refused to come out. But after I got off work this morning I did deep-clean the tank as a result, and got new substrate, and brought home a new friend for Mark. This one does lots of climbing and hanging upside down, so his name is McCoy, and when I have half a minute to myself again I'm going to try to settle down on the couch and socialise him to me a little. So far they seem to be getting along okay, though. Fingers crossed!

Fun new discovery of the day: for the last few months I've been getting kind of ill after I drink milk or eat dairy, with the last week being absolutely the worst, so I have come to the conclusion that I have developed a lactose intolerance. Which... pretty much sucks, since I pour more milk into myself than any sane person should. I guess in the interests of not killing myself this means switching over to water. SIGH.

And now, grocery shopping, after I take care of my chicks and poults. ♥ Keets are coming end of June! At least to-day is busy.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Annie with Red Hair)
I. have. meds.

This is technically my third day without them, as they did not show up in the mail until to-night, but although I have been dizzy and nauseated since Thursday, and to-day I barely made it through the family reunion because I had to go and hide on a couch somewhere and have fever dreams and try not to throw up, THAT IS ALL MOOT, because I took them this evening and I will take them to-morrow and hopefully that will prevent me from driving intro a tree on my way to work. :D Which would be good.

My paid account appears to have expired again. Pfffft. I would renew it, except I have spent literally two-hundred dollars on pills and gas money over the last week.

I am looking forward to sleeping to-night without the incredibly disturbing dream track. The last few nights and days have been really. Cut for triggery stuff, actually ) So yeah, I'd like things to go back to normal.

Also, just not getting so dizzy I can't see every time I move too fast will be nice. :D
psalm_onethirtyone: (Gross Things are Cool!)
Fun fact: it helps if your doctor's office has not mixed you up with someone else who has your same name and vaporised all your accounts. Oh, well. I have waited four years for new glasses, I can wait another month.

Mostly I am boring right now, although I am making a present for [ profile] raanve that is kind of fun! because burds. I have never done anything with burds before, and it is surprisingly tricky. I thought mammals would be the hardest animal I ever made, but nope.

To-morrow surgery. That will be fun also.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Cephalopods Need Heart)
So, a little update on what's going on in Soujin-land!

1. I should be asleep right now, but I'm not; for some reason I am not sleeping very well lately, which has led to me sleeping in too late in an effort to get some sleep at all. Last night I had only had four hours, and I still was awake for an hour after turning off the lights and lying down. That's stupid. Anyway.

2. Still at [ profile] mhari's! Having a good time! We are mostly just being colossal dorks with each other, although yesterday we went to the New England Aquarium and it was good times. There were lovely lovely comb jellies and a petting tank with starfish and urchins and horseshoe crabs and a skate, and ANOTHER petting tank with some really gorgeous rays -- both the round Atlantic type and these adorable cownoses, which are so sweet omg. They come right up and bonk your hands. We weren't supposed to touch their bellies, but they kept swimming over and flapping at our hands! Anyway, they have the most amazing texture -- like slightly slimy velvet. So cool. Unfortunately we had to go home before we could visit the octopus, but they had LION'S MANE JELLIES. OMG. Little tiny ones! I am used to conceiving of Lion's Manes in terms of, you know, these VAST MONSTERS with tentacles that get up to thirty feet long. It somehow never occurred to me that they might start out as wee little babbies. So that was pretty sweet.

We also saw some adorbs frogs, although the surinam toad was hiding. :(

Also, [ profile] mhari bought me a blue whale plushie for my birthday. He is enormous and so soft; his name is Captain Shakespeare.

3. I got a job! I start on the twenty-third. It's caregiver work, which is great -- I basically was going to die if I had to take another horrible depressing retail job, so the fact that I get to work with people but in a useful, helpful capacity is fantastic. I'm really looking forward to starting. I don't even know what my wage is and I DON'T CARE.

4. Still haven't figured out this birthday party stuff. Mama said I could have one, but everybody's weird places at weird times and I'm really not sure if it will actually happen. :/ Not a super big deal, I guess.

5. My awesome Summer Project is coming along surprisingly nicely. I bought more stuff for it here, and I can't wait to get back to work on it.

6. Maria and I are going to rock this world this summer. We're both full-time, forty-hours-a-week employed, but we are going to make a list of all the summer films we HAVE TO SEE (like Thor, and First Class) and then DO IT. Cos we can. In between, of course, we will work our asses off and keep bees, because we're rad like that.

7. I am going to make the time to start bicycling again, gdi. I really miss getting to go on long bike rides, and Maria said she wants to start biking too, so it's going to happen. My hope is also that once I start doing something that at least looks like exercise, Mama will get off my case about being fat. THIS HAD BETTER WORK. I do not have the time to squash real exercise in on top of everything else.

8. Chiiiicks! Keeeeets! They're coming June first. I am so super excite.

9. Mama has a new bunny, I don't think I mentioned. It is dopey and very pretty and scares the hell out of the cats.

10. We might actually get internet at home this summer. This one guy up on Gamby Hill is thinking of building a reception tower because he is crazy as pants and apparently wants to be able to get internet, even though we live out in the sticks and most people are Mennonite. If this happens, the whole valley would have internet potentially, so that might actually happen. It would be pretty sweet, I have to say.

11. I am watching a playthrough on YouTube of Deadly Premonition, which is a really neat video game. Also, the guy doing the playthrough is great -- so deadpan and sarcastic and unfazed by everything that happens in the game. LOVE him.

12. That's really all atm. Basically I am busy and scattered and kind of crazy, so if there is something I should be doing with you/in general, please let me know. I'M WORKING ON IT. There are a lot of caps in my life, is what I'm saying, but I still am trying to beat the dialup into submission every night from 10 to 1, so hit me up, I will probably be around.

Although this may all be irrelevant come Saturday and the rapture. :P

Anyway, in the words of the Pope, ciao.
psalm_onethirtyone: (You Done Good)
Just so you know, I have been AWESOME on the train to-day. I know that only, like, two people actually care, but I got more than half my Cai/Marguel theoretical Marguel-is-weird-and-has-weird-issues fic written, AND. AND AND AND.

I spreadsheeted the hell out of the New Britain timeline. Drafted it up into three different spreadsheets for the pre-war period, the reign, and the post-war period, put in all the death and birth dates, noted important events and treaties, and also significant relationship changes.

Now I am sitting in the Philly train station; my train leaves at 1.55 and it is ON TIME, how sweet is that? The only negative thing right now is that my back is still really messed up from two weeks ago, and it feels like I am going to fall over and die if I make a wrong move. I really probably need to see a doctor about it, but shhhhhh.

I need some kind of New Britain icon. I wonder how to do that.

But in GENERAL, I have been awesome to-day. Like, when people say "awesome" it's actually slang for "Soujin" type awesome. So I'm feelin' pretty good about that. When I get the timeline done I will force [ profile] mhari to do something to make it look presentable and up-on-the-website nice so that we can be even more official and organised. And that will be sweet.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Gross Things are Cool!)
Got the results back from the x-rays -- apparently I don't have arthritis, but my hip sockets are shaped funny (shallow), and the doctor thinks the ball joints of my legs are rubbing against them, especially while I'm sleeping, hence the hip pain. It's actually kind of cool -- I am finding diagrammes online to show me what it looks like. I guess it would be a sort of asymmetric incongruity? Fun!

She suggested physical therapy, but I don't really have the time or money, so she also suggested taking ibuprofen before I go to sleep as a preventative.

Also, apparently, I can expect to have reasonably significant arthritis by the time I hit forty. So that's fun too.

Therapy at one (lots of issues to discuss there) and then I will finish this goddamn paper.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Cephalopods Need Heart)
Hawkeye got into Mark and Forge's tank last night. He didn't eat them, he just urinated all over them and their stuff, so to-day was spent nursing them through the shock. I had to boil everything in the tank clean and buy new sand. Luckily I have extra substrate back at school. As a present for being traumatised I also bought them some cocoanut climbing matting to play with, which Mark at least is really into. He is my good boy. <3 They seem fine now, I'm just worried that three days from now I'll wake up and check on them and they'll be dead from secret death-ray chemicals.

Hawk also ATE some of my art, thereby destroying about two hours' work, so he is in disgrace. Especially since nice scrapbooking paper costs hella monies. And then when I tossed him outside he clawed open my hand quite dramatically. I hope he roasts in hell. The Tribble can be annoying, but at least she isn't destructive to anything that's not cake.

I finally made the full switch to the new meds, and they're making me feel disgusting, but hopefully that passes. I've been having the weirdest nightmares, about four or five distinct ones a night, and I'm really hungover in the morning. Plus my tremor is ridiculous at this point--right before I came home, back when I was still on the 2/3 dose, a girl at school asked me if I was having a seizure. I'm not thrilled.

But my crabs are fine, and I bought a teeny tiny Brazilian firecracker plant at the flower show yesterday, and Maria is home now, which is the best. Also, I got my hair cut, and it looks really nice. I might actually take a photograph, because I really like it.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Mycroftian Horrors)
Dear GOD I am tired. Stress comes with insomnia, as always.

basically, rundown, I have one exam and four finals, one more therapy appointment, one more prescription to fill, four more classes to attend, one lovecraftian horror in Comm, one magnificent disaster in ConRes (is it a paper? is it an in-class exercise? WHO KNOWS? certainly not me, because I slept through one class and missed the other last week), and one excruciating confrontation in IntroSosh. And ALL THE BODY DYSMORPHIA IN THE WORLLLLD.

Also I screwed up my knee and it doesn't bend. >_>

On the plus side, [ profile] dreamer_easy made me a Mycroft creeping icon, which I love. Now I just need moar. Actually, I need icons for Sherlock, X-Men, and probably Iron Man, as long as I just got more iconspace and I have new fandoms to attend to.

AND NOW TO FAIL MY INTROPSYCH EXAM. I am so ready for this.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Gross Things are Cool!)
WARNING there is some gross stuff in this post.

The doctor at school is magic. MAGIC. She has accurately diagnosed me with half a dozen things since I came here that baffled the hospital (which is not, admittedly, a very good hospital, but still).

So I came in yesterday and went HERE ARE MY SX:

--no sense of balance
--hot and cold flashes
--severe headache
--pain in my ears
--unbelievable spinal and neck pain
--full-body spasms

and the nurse (who is really great!) went ";___; i have no idea, here is gatorade and mucinex and come back to-morrow when the doctor is in". So I came back to-day, she listened to my list, stuck a light in my ear and went, "Yup. Thought so. Worst ear infection I've ever seen." Seriously, she's magic!

Like last semester, when I came in and was like "my whole mouth has been numb for two weeks and my tongue is coated in white stuff and nobody knows what it is" and she was like "pfff, I know a vitamin B deficiency when I see one, take B12 until it clears up" and it DID. In like TWO DAYS. because she is AMAZING.

She also found a magical yeast infection medication that I can take without having an allergic reaction, and prescribed the first thing that has ever worked for my migraines, and also always tries to make sure stuff is affordable.

I am making this post to remind myself and others that not all doctors are evil. >_>

psalm_onethirtyone: (Hear that Meta?)
So unfortunately last night I got one of the worst migraines I have ever had, which might not have been quite as big a deal except that the girl next door's friend (a mutual friend, as it happens) was breaking up with his boyfriend, drunkenly, over the phone, from midnight until two a.m. when I stumbled over bleary-eyed and knocked on the door. The first thing I heard was, "Oh God, it's Soujin," but before I could flee he opened the door.

Him: AHHH I knew it was you I'm SO SORRY. ;____; *GIANT HUG*
Me: I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I know that you're having a really important conversation!
Him: I'm SORRY. I'm a terrible person!
Me: No you're not! I'm sorry!
Her: Yeah, we're mediating a break-up.
Me: ;____; I know, I'm sorry.
Her: Wait, you know?
Me: Aaaaaaahhh I'm so sorry.
Her: You can hear that much detail?
Me: SORRY ;___________;
Her: Did you know it's about cheating?
Me: ;____;
Her: Oh, my God.
Me: I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I wouldn't have said anything but I have a migraine and right now I want to rip my optic nerve right out of my head--
Her: Oh, my God. Go back to bed, I'll make him shut up.
Me: Ahhhhhh sorry!

After that it was a bit quieter, though. And I suppose this has gotten around the worrisome question of whether or not to tell her I can hear her having sex.

Anyway, I lay there for the rest of the night wondering whether the best solution was to take my razor and carve my eyeball out, or whether shooting myself in the face would be more effective. It's dulled some, but it still hasn't really gone away. Apparently the magnesium really did do something. Sigh.
psalm_onethirtyone: (God Dammit)
After spending the month of August COMPLETELY FREE OF PAIN, my first day back at school has already induced a migraine. I've had it since one o'clock. Fuck everything.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Only Time Gold Doesn't Sink)
well, my wisdom teeth are out and my face is all swollen up like crazy, but mostly i feel okay, just it hurts to eat and talk and things like that. we got the pigs to-day, two lovely red tamworths named rogue and gambit--they have already escaped twice, driving maria to tears, but at the moment they are snoozing in their strawbed in the hoghouse, so that is a small merciful thing.

maria and i are watching the iron man animated series from '94 and it is quite marvellous, especially now that the first season is done and we are watching the second season. also, it is the most slashy thing ever, not even funny ("jim i can't let you go off half-cocked" "oh, don't worry, i'm FULLY COCKED" lolwhut), so i promised her that i would write tony/jim when we finished up. which reminds me that i still haven't posted my nick fury/wolverine:wolverine/captain america x-men: evolution fanfic.

also, we found a home for lucky, the kitten from the barn. her new name will be molly. the last kitten we rehomed was renamed sam. if we end up doing another one and it gets called ken or larry or something, i will be on the phone with [ profile] skaryma, let me tell you what.

i think i am okay.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Disappointed)
Feeling very weird for the time being, not necessarily good.

Wisdom teeth coming out in two weeks, not looking forward to it, will be laid up a bit; on the other hand, I'll be put to sleep for it, and I've always wanted to experience being under anesthesia from a kind of existential perspective (what is it like to lose time? Not through sleeping, because when I sleep I can always tell that time has passed, but I understand that under anesthesia you can't tell that, and time actually gets lost).

The family reunion is to-morrow, and I really don't like Daddy's family, but I'm going to hide in my room--the good thing about it being at our house means that I can take refuge in my room if I get too overwhelmed--and Rebecca and Natalie are coming and that is a good thing. All the stressful things that are happening are just short-term, and I will be okay.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Grow a Little Good)
We did hay to-day! We put up a hundred and twenty bales off the long bottom, and it was disgusting. Also, every single one of us, Daddy excepted, is allergic to hay, including Maria's friend Elena who is down from Cleveland to help us, so we are all broken out and puffy.

And I got stung by a wasp and a bee yesterday, so I'm extra-puffy! It is great.

On the plus side, the bees are doing so well that we had to add a second hive body. So that's really exciting.

(And now Maria and Elena are canning ALL THE CHERRIES IN THE WORLD. I wish I liked cherries. They're extremely aesthetically pleasing.)

(To-morrow I go to shadow Daphne at the church! I'm really excited and I hope this goes well.)
psalm_onethirtyone: (Found Myself!)
So the doctor diagnosed my [near-constant for the last two years] headaches as migraines, and upped my Depakote from 500 to 1000 mg, which she says is much closer to a therapeutic dose. I am also supposed not to have anything containing chocolate, yeast, or lots of salt. So that is--a start, anyway, a diagnosis, finally, something to do about it. It's only been a day, so I'm not really seeing any results of the increased dose yet, but. I will hope for the best.

Meanwhile, I am watching lots of X-Men ([ profile] settiai gave Maria and me the fourth season of Evolution, and I bought Wolverine and the X-Men) and we just finished marathoning Spider-Man (the Sam Raimi films) because Maria had her wisdom teeth out and can't do anything but lie in bed and be miserable and watching films. Spider-Man is interesting, in that in the comics I totally ship Mary-Jane/Peter, but in the films they are so bad for each other and really shouldn't be together, it's ridiculous. Harry and Mary-Jane are so much better suited.

Anyway, I cried pathetically when Harry died, which is very embarrassing. Maria did not mock me too much, though.

And I borrowed two films on marine biology from the library, because it is my sekrit passion. I love marine invertebrates. Did you know that in the Palau archipelago there are sea anemones that grow up to three feet big? Can you imagine? It is SO COOL. AND there are inland lakes that have non-stinging jellyfishes a foot large that slime divers? I want to go there so. bad.
psalm_onethirtyone: (Only Time Gold Doesn't Sink)
This evening I decided, for reasons unclear, that the way to be a stellar houseguest would be to have a major OCD meltdown all over [ profile] mhari's room. The only reason we are still friends is because she has a remarkable lot of patience and because her mother threw me out when the room was only about fifty percent cleaned.

On the other hand, we went to the beach on Monday, where I found this lovely specimen of crabhood and sat around in tidepools.

I'm feeling kind of weird--I'm not really sure where I am, mentally. I feel very lonely, in a way, like I'm terrified of everyone forgetting about me over the summer while I'm not around (for example Liz, and [ profile] the_chloroplast), and also people online, especially people who I want to be good friends with but am for-ever having anxiety over (like [ profile] tulipmonster, who I want to like me but who I am convinced sits around wondering when I will die already). I feel like I could be in a better state of mind, but on the other hand I'm not depressed, so--idk, be grateful for what I have? In the general scheme of things, anxiety is easier to deal with than depression (for me).

I'm also having a lot of anxiety nightmares and a lot of just random like--lying awake at night thinking of all the things that could potentially go disastrously wrong. Like I sit in my bed and think about all the ways my father could die (I think this is being triggered by Nana and Granddad just dying, and by [ profile] mhari's father dying, because he was pretty much my second dad, and it's made my anxious self hypersensitive to the possibility, I think?), or how I don't want to drive any more because I'm afraid I'll hit one of the cats, or how if I pick up Perci I could drop him and he's so delicate he'd just shatter. I will run through a good twenty or so of these scenarios just while I'm trying to fall asleep, and then I'll have even more anxiety because I'm worrying about whether worrying about stuff will make it come true. And not all of it is stuff that's grounded in reality, either--I think about how the house could collapse or I start to wonder whether I left the stove on and the house is going to burn down in the night or-- And so on, ad finitum, pretty much constantly. And any little noise or anything of that sort jerks me wide awake because I immediately connect it with one of the scenarios I've been worrying about and then I have to calm myself down until I can relax enough to sleep, and it's driving me crazy.

I've also started getting the daily headaches again, and that whole mess has been going off and on for over a year now, of terrible headaches in this icky swimmy place between a normal headache and a migraine (I've only had like two true migraines, and these are definitely not that bad), which last all day and cannot be chased off by painkillers. The problem with them is that I end up taking a lot more aspirin than is good for my system in an attempt to dull them at least. I'm starting to think that I should talk to a doctor possibly. <--and this of course is triggering my anxiety even further (what if I have a brain tumour? what if I have encephalitis? &c &c &c).

tl;dr my anxiety is worse than usual and my head hurts. Also, I like to whine.

But I do like it here, and I'm sorry I have to go home on Thursday. [ profile] mhari is pretty much my favourite person ever.


psalm_onethirtyone: (Default)

January 2012

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