Whoever Dances is One with the Universe

It wouldn't be a true clusterfuck of a week without something else going wrong, and on that note I went home early from my client yesterday with acute gastritis. :D! Which was okay, in terms of her care, because she went to the hospital! Yeah. But she's home to-day, and I'm supposed to see her, only I feel not great, so I am waiting for Mama to get home with medicine and then I'm going in for part of my shift, because there's no one else to see her and my guilt and responsibility complexes know no bounds. THIS IS HOW I ROLL.

A partial shift shouldn't be so bad. It'll only be five and a half hours, and the toughest part is driving, with the pain, which is what the medicine is for. ...sigh, what is my life.

So my party went surprisingly well. I haven't had a party since I was about. Eesh. Thirteen or fourteen? And it was kind of a disaster, but this went well. So that was nice.

I'm over Jen, which has its good and bad aspects. It was nice to see her again, though, and get to find out for sure whether or not I'm still attracted to her. A part of me is relieved, because relationships are scary and complicated, but another part of me is sad because relationships still present that lure of "ooooh, somebody likes you, you might actually be a worthwhile person". But. I was reminded of how attractive and fun to be around Arielle is -- I mentioned offhand that I'd had a crush on her to Mama, and Mama said, "I bet you did. She's cute and charming and smart!" and I went "YES I NOTICED". Then she laughed and said, "But she's in love with that Michele girl," which made me laugh because it is, in fact, true, but no one had told Mama that. And Dani was really great and helped to keep things relaxed and flowing, which was good, because by the end of the second night I was pretty worn out and not feeling all that emotionally prepared to be a good hostess.

But Jen brought me back a sheep from Scotland! :D And Michele and Ashley gave me a pair of octopus earrings, as well as some bandaids called "Jesus adhesives", which, as you might expect, have the visage of the Christ on them. They are sweet, although I won't be able to wear them around here.

And then to-day for Father's Day we went kayaking on the river, which took four hours and badly exceeded my tolerance for kayaking, but Daddy had a good time. I accidentally turned over my kayak and lost my expensive "THIS watch should last you a couple years at least!" Christmas watch. >___< Mama was pretty upset until I started weeping. Also, now I am sunburned all over.

I am also exhausted, but I'm off work to-morrow, so I will do low-key things like fixing the new barrier for the poults (they can climb over the old one now) and writing thank-you notes and maybe spending my birthday gift card to ModCloth. I am too fat to wear any of their dresses, sadly, without looking like an idiot, but I thought maybe I could try to get some cute shoes or jewellery or something.

Also, my first appointment with my photographer for my sekrit summer project is Tuesday! I'm so excited. ^____^

I. have. meds.

This is technically my third day without them, as they did not show up in the mail until to-night, but although I have been dizzy and nauseated since Thursday, and to-day I barely made it through the family reunion because I had to go and hide on a couch somewhere and have fever dreams and try not to throw up, THAT IS ALL MOOT, because I took them this evening and I will take them to-morrow and hopefully that will prevent me from driving intro a tree on my way to work. :D Which would be good.

My paid account appears to have expired again. Pfffft. I would renew it, except I have spent literally two-hundred dollars on pills and gas money over the last week.

I am looking forward to sleeping to-night without the incredibly disturbing dream track. The last few nights and days have been really. ( Cut for triggery stuff, actually ) So yeah, I'd like things to go back to normal.

Also, just not getting so dizzy I can't see every time I move too fast will be nice. :D

So, a little update on what's going on in Soujin-land!

1. I should be asleep right now, but I'm not; for some reason I am not sleeping very well lately, which has led to me sleeping in too late in an effort to get some sleep at all. Last night I had only had four hours, and I still was awake for an hour after turning off the lights and lying down. That's stupid. Anyway.

2. Still at mhari's! Having a good time! We are mostly just being colossal dorks with each other, although yesterday we went to the New England Aquarium and it was good times. There were lovely lovely comb jellies and a petting tank with starfish and urchins and horseshoe crabs and a skate, and ANOTHER petting tank with some really gorgeous rays -- both the round Atlantic type and these adorable cownoses, which are so sweet omg. They come right up and bonk your hands. We weren't supposed to touch their bellies, but they kept swimming over and flapping at our hands! Anyway, they have the most amazing texture -- like slightly slimy velvet. So cool. Unfortunately we had to go home before we could visit the octopus, but they had LION'S MANE JELLIES. OMG. Little tiny ones! I am used to conceiving of Lion's Manes in terms of, you know, these VAST MONSTERS with tentacles that get up to thirty feet long. It somehow never occurred to me that they might start out as wee little babbies. So that was pretty sweet.

We also saw some adorbs frogs, although the surinam toad was hiding. :(

Also, mhari bought me a blue whale plushie for my birthday. He is enormous and so soft; his name is Captain Shakespeare.

3. I got a job! I start on the twenty-third. It's caregiver work, which is great -- I basically was going to die if I had to take another horrible depressing retail job, so the fact that I get to work with people but in a useful, helpful capacity is fantastic. I'm really looking forward to starting. I don't even know what my wage is and I DON'T CARE.

4. Still haven't figured out this birthday party stuff. Mama said I could have one, but everybody's weird places at weird times and I'm really not sure if it will actually happen. :/ Not a super big deal, I guess.

5. My awesome Summer Project is coming along surprisingly nicely. I bought more stuff for it here, and I can't wait to get back to work on it.

6. Maria and I are going to rock this world this summer. We're both full-time, forty-hours-a-week employed, but we are going to make a list of all the summer films we HAVE TO SEE (like Thor, and First Class) and then DO IT. Cos we can. In between, of course, we will work our asses off and keep bees, because we're rad like that.

7. I am going to make the time to start bicycling again, gdi. I really miss getting to go on long bike rides, and Maria said she wants to start biking too, so it's going to happen. My hope is also that once I start doing something that at least looks like exercise, Mama will get off my case about being fat. THIS HAD BETTER WORK. I do not have the time to squash real exercise in on top of everything else.

8. Chiiiicks! Keeeeets! They're coming June first. I am so super excite.

9. Mama has a new bunny, I don't think I mentioned. It is dopey and very pretty and scares the hell out of the cats.

10. We might actually get internet at home this summer. This one guy up on Gamby Hill is thinking of building a reception tower because he is crazy as pants and apparently wants to be able to get internet, even though we live out in the sticks and most people are Mennonite. If this happens, the whole valley would have internet potentially, so that might actually happen. It would be pretty sweet, I have to say.

11. I am watching a playthrough on YouTube of Deadly Premonition, which is a really neat video game. Also, the guy doing the playthrough is great -- so deadpan and sarcastic and unfazed by everything that happens in the game. LOVE him.

12. That's really all atm. Basically I am busy and scattered and kind of crazy, so if there is something I should be doing with you/in general, please let me know. I'M WORKING ON IT. There are a lot of caps in my life, is what I'm saying, but I still am trying to beat the dialup into submission every night from 10 to 1, so hit me up, I will probably be around.

Although this may all be irrelevant come Saturday and the rapture. :P

Anyway, in the words of the Pope, ciao.

Got the results back from the x-rays -- apparently I don't have arthritis, but my hip sockets are shaped funny (shallow), and the doctor thinks the ball joints of my legs are rubbing against them, especially while I'm sleeping, hence the hip pain. It's actually kind of cool -- I am finding diagrammes online to show me what it looks like. I guess it would be a sort of asymmetric incongruity? Fun!

She suggested physical therapy, but I don't really have the time or money, so she also suggested taking ibuprofen before I go to sleep as a preventative.

Also, apparently, I can expect to have reasonably significant arthritis by the time I hit forty. So that's fun too.

Therapy at one (lots of issues to discuss there) and then I will finish this goddamn paper.

Dear GOD I am tired. Stress comes with insomnia, as always.

basically, rundown, I have one exam and four finals, one more therapy appointment, one more prescription to fill, four more classes to attend, one lovecraftian horror in Comm, one magnificent disaster in ConRes (is it a paper? is it an in-class exercise? WHO KNOWS? certainly not me, because I slept through one class and missed the other last week), and one excruciating confrontation in IntroSosh. And ALL THE BODY DYSMORPHIA IN THE WORLLLLD.

Also I screwed up my knee and it doesn't bend. >_>

On the plus side, dreamer_easy made me a Mycroft creeping icon, which I love. Now I just need moar. Actually, I need icons for Sherlock, X-Men, and probably Iron Man, as long as I just got more iconspace and I have new fandoms to attend to.

AND NOW TO FAIL MY INTROPSYCH EXAM. I am so ready for this.

So unfortunately last night I got one of the worst migraines I have ever had, which might not have been quite as big a deal except that the girl next door's friend (a mutual friend, as it happens) was breaking up with his boyfriend, drunkenly, over the phone, from midnight until two a.m. when I stumbled over bleary-eyed and knocked on the door. The first thing I heard was, "Oh God, it's Soujin," but before I could flee he opened the door.

Him: AHHH I knew it was you I'm SO SORRY. ;____; *GIANT HUG*
Me: I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I know that you're having a really important conversation!
Him: I'm SORRY. I'm a terrible person!
Me: No you're not! I'm sorry!
Her: Yeah, we're mediating a break-up.
Me: ;____; I know, I'm sorry.
Her: Wait, you know?
Me: Aaaaaaahhh I'm so sorry.
Her: You can hear that much detail?
Me: SORRY ;___________;
Her: Did you know it's about cheating?
Me: ;____;
Her: Oh, my God.
Me: I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I wouldn't have said anything but I have a migraine and right now I want to rip my optic nerve right out of my head--
Her: Oh, my God. Go back to bed, I'll make him shut up.
Me: Ahhhhhh sorry!
Him: AHHHHH SORRRY.

After that it was a bit quieter, though. And I suppose this has gotten around the worrisome question of whether or not to tell her I can hear her having sex.

Anyway, I lay there for the rest of the night wondering whether the best solution was to take my razor and carve my eyeball out, or whether shooting myself in the face would be more effective. It's dulled some, but it still hasn't really gone away. Apparently the magnesium really did do something. Sigh.

well, my wisdom teeth are out and my face is all swollen up like crazy, but mostly i feel okay, just it hurts to eat and talk and things like that. we got the pigs to-day, two lovely red tamworths named rogue and gambit--they have already escaped twice, driving maria to tears, but at the moment they are snoozing in their strawbed in the hoghouse, so that is a small merciful thing.

maria and i are watching the iron man animated series from '94 and it is quite marvellous, especially now that the first season is done and we are watching the second season. also, it is the most slashy thing ever, not even funny ("jim i can't let you go off half-cocked" "oh, don't worry, i'm FULLY COCKED" lolwhut), so i promised her that i would write tony/jim when we finished up. which reminds me that i still haven't posted my nick fury/wolverine:wolverine/captain america x-men: evolution fanfic.

also, we found a home for lucky, the kitten from the barn. her new name will be molly. the last kitten we rehomed was renamed sam. if we end up doing another one and it gets called ken or larry or something, i will be on the phone with skaryma, let me tell you what.

i think i am okay.

We did hay to-day! We put up a hundred and twenty bales off the long bottom, and it was disgusting. Also, every single one of us, Daddy excepted, is allergic to hay, including Maria's friend Elena who is down from Cleveland to help us, so we are all broken out and puffy.

And I got stung by a wasp and a bee yesterday, so I'm extra-puffy! It is great.

On the plus side, the bees are doing so well that we had to add a second hive body. So that's really exciting.

(And now Maria and Elena are canning ALL THE CHERRIES IN THE WORLD. I wish I liked cherries. They're extremely aesthetically pleasing.)

(To-morrow I go to shadow Daphne at the church! I'm really excited and I hope this goes well.)

This evening I decided, for reasons unclear, that the way to be a stellar houseguest would be to have a major OCD meltdown all over mhari's room. The only reason we are still friends is because she has a remarkable lot of patience and because her mother threw me out when the room was only about fifty percent cleaned.

On the other hand, we went to the beach on Monday, where I found this lovely specimen of crabhood and sat around in tidepools.

I'm feeling kind of weird--I'm not really sure where I am, mentally. I feel very lonely, in a way, like I'm terrified of everyone forgetting about me over the summer while I'm not around (for example Liz, and the_chloroplast), and also people online, especially people who I want to be good friends with but am for-ever having anxiety over (like tulipmonster, who I want to like me but who I am convinced sits around wondering when I will die already). I feel like I could be in a better state of mind, but on the other hand I'm not depressed, so--idk, be grateful for what I have? In the general scheme of things, anxiety is easier to deal with than depression (for me).

I'm also having a lot of anxiety nightmares and a lot of just random like--lying awake at night thinking of all the things that could potentially go disastrously wrong. Like I sit in my bed and think about all the ways my father could die (I think this is being triggered by Nana and Granddad just dying, and by mhari's father dying, because he was pretty much my second dad, and it's made my anxious self hypersensitive to the possibility, I think?), or how I don't want to drive any more because I'm afraid I'll hit one of the cats, or how if I pick up Perci I could drop him and he's so delicate he'd just shatter. I will run through a good twenty or so of these scenarios just while I'm trying to fall asleep, and then I'll have even more anxiety because I'm worrying about whether worrying about stuff will make it come true. And not all of it is stuff that's grounded in reality, either--I think about how the house could collapse or I start to wonder whether I left the stove on and the house is going to burn down in the night or-- And so on, ad finitum, pretty much constantly. And any little noise or anything of that sort jerks me wide awake because I immediately connect it with one of the scenarios I've been worrying about and then I have to calm myself down until I can relax enough to sleep, and it's driving me crazy.

I've also started getting the daily headaches again, and that whole mess has been going off and on for over a year now, of terrible headaches in this icky swimmy place between a normal headache and a migraine (I've only had like two true migraines, and these are definitely not that bad), which last all day and cannot be chased off by painkillers. The problem with them is that I end up taking a lot more aspirin than is good for my system in an attempt to dull them at least. I'm starting to think that I should talk to a doctor possibly. <--and this of course is triggering my anxiety even further (what if I have a brain tumour? what if I have encephalitis? &c &c &c).

tl;dr my anxiety is worse than usual and my head hurts. Also, I like to whine.

But I do like it here, and I'm sorry I have to go home on Thursday. mhari is pretty much my favourite person ever.