Whoever Dances is One with the Universe

I have a lot of ~feelings~ right now, but most of them are unprintable invective directed towards my mother, so they're probably best kept between me, my therapist, and Maria, who has been displaying a vast sense of understanding (she is used to being the "bad" daughter, so the switch in our positions has left her rather sage and sympathetic). Part of this issue stems from the fact that standing up to my mother will accomplish nothing, as she will misinterpret the reasons for the standing-up and then feel like a horrible person rather than just a perfectly nice person who is insanely passive-aggressive, and then I will feel like a horrible person too and nothing will get done -- so I am just capitulating with her insane passive-aggression, which makes her feel good, I assume, but makes me feel fairly awful.

In the meantime, I have a paper to write to-night, which I had better at least make some headway on -- I am starting to fall into the habit of panicking about papers but not actually writing them, whereas these previous three years I would panic while writing, so I need to get my act together. As long as I'm panicking, I might as well get work done.

So I will be probably not around to-night, mhari, raanve, and pax_morgana, because I am busy beating my head against the metaphorical wall of Islam/US!Christian relations, which suck. Also I do not have enough Diet Coke, which is not helping matters.

HOWEVER my koi icon is here to remind me that even though this weekend is going to be TERRIBLE, I will at least get to feed my fish, and I do like that.

I am exhausted. I will say that I don't think it's fair that I'm already in major anxiety/bipolar mode and it's only about five weeks into the semester. I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TIME TO TRY AND FORCE COMPETENCY INTO. ;_____; Also, I'm still having migraines every day. Time to see the doctor and see about getting my dosage upped! I'm starting to wonder whether my Depakote was actually helping to mitigate the migraines after all, and whether stopping has actually had an effect. That would be really annoying.

NOT in a very good frame of mind.

I called the insurance company this morning, and honestly the lady was very nice -- she called down to the pre-auth dept. to figure out why I still didn't have my meds, and figured out that it's because my (3) 75 mg caps a day (i.e. one prescription) are more expensive to the insurance company than (1) 150 mg and (1) 75 mg caps a day (two prescriptions, so more expensive for me personally). Which they didn't TELL ME, of course, they just refused to authorise my scrip for over a week.

Soooo she also found out that it would be about thirty dollars cheaper to do my meds through mail-order, so she gave me the number to have my doctor fax and gave me all the info for that, so I called Dr. C and got that arranged, BUT that means I don't get those in the mail for another eight days, even if they're marked urgent. That means I still have to pay out of pocket for the meds to cover me for that time period.

So theoretically I need to do that to-day, but I'm almost too depressed. x___x

However, I also have to go into town to xerox forms for my insurance claim for the x-rays I had in April, so I'll be there anyway, so I'll probably stop by the pharmacy and sell my soul while I'm in the vicinity. To soothe my wounded sense of justice, I am making my fourth batch of cupcakes, which I will give to the library ladies, I figure.

Anyway, I can't leave until my cupcakes finish and I repackage the pork from the butcher's into smaller portions for the freezer. Daddy says I can use the chicken scale if I can find it.

If I really were Mycroft Holmes, right now I would be having everyone deported left and right. Seriously. Argh.

Dear My Insurance Company:

Congratulations! You have proved your sagacity. The fact that I have taken the same medication every day for the last four years might convince a lesser mind that I actually need it, but you in your wisdom have seen through that ruse. As you have guessed, my medication is purely an extraneous expense that I continue to pay monthly in the hopes of making you, too, suffer the associated financial loss.

Someone else might just accept that since three different doctors have signed off on its necessity said medicine might just as well be purchased, but you, Insurance Company, understand that action is called for in these situations. That is why you have taken the bold step of cutting me off.

It is now my third day without medication, but I am still alive, proving beyond a doubt that I do not need it to survive. The symptoms of nausea, vertigo, migraine, and increased weeping are merely psychosomatic effects of withdrawal that will soon fade. Despite the fact that my job involves protracted stretches of car travel, I am sure that I will not endanger myself or anyone else by driving while dizzy. Within a few weeks, everything should be fine, and it will be obvious that you have made the right decision.

Or I'll be dead, I guess.

Thank you for your prompt and thoughtful actions!

Very little love,
Soujin

Dear Pharmacy Man:

Thank you for fronting me two days' worth of my meds. ;___; I feel a bit less like I'm going to die now. You are a good man.

♥
Soujin