"I'd Just Stare Out my Window..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

Je ne sais quois.

It's something utterly bizarre, something between ecstatic and tragic and filled with gladness and joy and also deflated with heaven only knows what. I hate depression. It does not give me anything for what it takes away from me, because my happiness just turns into guilt and my unhappiness just empties me out.

(Erin was wonderful. It was all wonderful. The candles and the music were beautiful, and the sky and the lights were beautiful, and standing in line outside the church with on glove on because I gave the other one to Waen because she was cold was beautiful. [She gets cold too easy. She has Reynaud's Syndrome, and when she's cold her blood just stops, so we always have to be careful not to let her get too cold. So I gave her one glove and Mum gave her one glove, and we stuck our other hands in our pockets.] And Erin plays the most beautiful music.)

(And I got gifts--for Mum and Waen, for Zara, for Marion and for my library--and walked around all the stores--and we went by a tent outside where a lady was selling cookies, and we each bought one, and it was so cold, and she just laughed, and made jokes, and it was wonderful; and then further on down the street a lady was looking at our cookies, so I gave her part of mine to try to see if she liked them, and she did, so I told ehr where the tent was up the street.)

(And we laughed on the way home, I read out loud and we laughed, and then when we were home we finally decorated the Christmas tree, with icicles and all our ornaments, and Zara's silver star, and the glass pinata named Mutton that Mum bought me, and all her wooden fish, and Waen's glass icicles; and we did the Poodle tree, too, with origami dragons and lace butterflies and glitter, and tiny frosted ornaments and little perfect round ones that are full whole colours--and Daddy made a fire, and I wrapt all my presents and put half of them under the tree; and I wrote my letters, and read the books on Manet and Cezanne that I got from the library [I like Manet more than Cezanne]; and carved a face into an orange, and we were so happy.)

(This is why I wish I were not sad now. It's such a disappointment.)

Comments

[erinpuff]

**hugs** It was soooooo nice to see you, and I'm really glad you liked it. I'm sorry you're feeling sad. :(

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

It's okay. <33333 It was fantastic to see you. ♥

[mhari.livejournal.com]

*huggles* Having to end a good time is always a letdown, even if your brain chemistry isn't playing silly buggers. I am sorry.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Is okay. *huuuugs* I know my brain chemistry is evil.

...okay, and I just remembered that I didn't take my meds to-day. That could be helping, too. *face. palm.*

[mhari.livejournal.com]

*snuggles on*

...! Yes, that can't be good.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

It just randomly occurred to me. ^^ And then I was a mess all yesterday as a result.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

*hugs you very, very tightly* Hold onto the brightness, lady?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I do try--

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you try. *snuggles*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*loves quietly*

[theatre-angel.livejournal.com]

I got your Christmas card just yesterday, and when I opened it up, my hands were showered in glitter and I read it through a constant grin and the occasional tear.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^_____________^ I love you.

[bewareofitalics]

*cuddles*

(I have a Manet poster in my dining room! This painting. It used to really creep out a friend of mine, because she looks just like the woman in it. *g* I think we have some Cezanne around the house, too.)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

(Aww. It's creepy for a different reason; mainly because the perspective is haywire and makes it look kind of weird. ^^ Bweeee.)

[bewareofitalics]

(And there's that guy and you only see his reflection? ...hi. I've been awake forever and I'm dying and don't think I'll finish my paper in time, but don't mind me, I just needed to complain at someone.)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

('Zactly. He's high on the creep factor. ...*huuuuuuuuuuuugs* Oh, for heaven's sake. Complain all you need to. What time is your paper due? Could you maybe take a small nap to refresh yourself?)

[bewareofitalics]

(2:30, but I have a class at 1:00, so I need to be done by 12:30. And I actually just took a 20-minute nap and it helped a little, but not enough. *clingflails*)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

(Not good not good, but you do still have three and a half hours. Okay. Well, I suggest that you sleep another half hour, right off the bat, and then make yourself an outline of the paper--Waen says she can't ever get an essay to work unless she outlines it properly first--and just do your best. That for a starting point. *loooooves*)

[bewareofitalics]

(I have an outline! It's just not working because I didn't take notes on where to find everything in my books. And- I'm afraid to go back to sleep. :( But I'm at least writing something now, even if it is mostly quotes and basically just summarizing one book. :P)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

(*huuuugs* But you're writing! and I'm answering this embarrassingly late!)

[bewareofitalics]

(Don't worry about answering embarrassingly late, I wrote my paper embarrassingly badly. It's all good. Er. *hugs?*)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

(*snugs*)

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

Fitting that i should read the bit about Waen being cold while listening to Baby It's Cold Outside...!

*squeeze* Did you at least enjoy the things as you did them...?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^^! Really?

I did, I did. It was wonderful.