Soujin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
psalm_onethirtyone) wrote2009-02-22 01:50 am
psalm_onethirtyone) wrote2009-02-22 01:50 am
Entry tags:
"But I'm Stuck Here on the Ground..."
So, I, you know, I didn't kill myself, it was kind of looking like a good idea for a while there, but I haven't, so.
I've been doing not as good in school as usual, and being very depressed by it, and I keep talking to people who are taking, you know, twenty-three credits or seventeen credits and I'm only taking fourteen (I'm barely scraping by on the credit requirements), and I just failed my first exam in English, and I'm just really frustrated and unhappy about a lot of my classes, and at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be, and I just feel like for a long time now I've wanted to be this perfect daughter, who gets wonderful grades and whose parents don't know anything is wrong--I lie to my parents about things when I've never lied to them before, just so they don't know I'm self-injuring, or depressed, or--it was so hard to admit to Mama to-night that Dr. Hamlett doubled my meds. But she wasn't horrified by the news, and when I said that maybe next semester I'd like to audit some classes, so I could still learn things but I wouldn't have to do all the papers and exams and things, and I thought I'd be a lot calmer if I did that, she said that was a great idea, and she'd done that a lot of times in college.
See, I think I want to be perfect, in a way, I figured I was going to be this girl who has a mental illness, but she's brilliant at things, the way stereotypical mental illnesses always work: you get this amazing payoff in exchange for your brain chemistry being wrong, you're this A student and everybody is so proud of you. The thing is, that's just not going to be the way it works. I can't rely on my crazy to make me good at things. I have to do that myself. And I either have to work myself really, really fucking hard, and get all As, or I have to go at my own pace and be content with the grades I get. Depending on what the class is, and how committed to something I am, I'll pick one or the other. That's how it will always work.
And I keep thinking, you know, this isn't fair, this really isn't fair, that I have to work so hard to do what other people can just do, I have to force myself out of bed in the morning in a way that other people will never have to, I am always going to have to try twice as hard on average than any of my friends will to convince myself not to run away from every social interaction in tears, and you know what? It's not fair. But I can tell God it's not fair, I can tell you it's not fair, and not one single one of you, as much as you love me, as much as God loves me, can turn around and say, You're right, and I will make things fair now. It just won't happen. I have to rely on my doctors and my pills and my friends to help me, and I have to rely on myself to be strong, and that's what I will have to do. There just is no other choice (except actually slitting my wrists/ODing on Vistaril/bicycling into traffic, but at the moment I have that ruled out).
tl;dr I can't help being who I am, but neither can anybody else.
And now, the news:
MY SISTER AND HER PARTNER ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY. A leetle RebeccaandNatalie baby! Natalie is going to have it. Omg omg omg, you guys. This is the most wonderful news ever. I'll be an aunt! And THEY'LL HAVE A BABY. Eeeeeeeeeee. So so thrilled and excited for them (and me!). Zomg. Baaaaabbie.
Comment with a character of mine, and I will tell you their:
01.) Full name?
02.) Best friend?
03.) Sexuality?
04.) Favorite color?
05.) Relationship status?
06.) Ideal mate?
07.) Turn-ons?
08.) Last sexual experience?
09.) Favorite food?
10.) Crushes?
11.) Favorite music?
12.) Biggest fear?
13.) Biggest fantasy?
14.) Quirks in bed?
15.) Bad habits?
16.) Biggest regret?
17.) Best kept secrets?
18.) Last thought?
19.) Worst sexual experience?
20.) Biggest insecurity?
I've been doing not as good in school as usual, and being very depressed by it, and I keep talking to people who are taking, you know, twenty-three credits or seventeen credits and I'm only taking fourteen (I'm barely scraping by on the credit requirements), and I just failed my first exam in English, and I'm just really frustrated and unhappy about a lot of my classes, and at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be, and I just feel like for a long time now I've wanted to be this perfect daughter, who gets wonderful grades and whose parents don't know anything is wrong--I lie to my parents about things when I've never lied to them before, just so they don't know I'm self-injuring, or depressed, or--it was so hard to admit to Mama to-night that Dr. Hamlett doubled my meds. But she wasn't horrified by the news, and when I said that maybe next semester I'd like to audit some classes, so I could still learn things but I wouldn't have to do all the papers and exams and things, and I thought I'd be a lot calmer if I did that, she said that was a great idea, and she'd done that a lot of times in college.
See, I think I want to be perfect, in a way, I figured I was going to be this girl who has a mental illness, but she's brilliant at things, the way stereotypical mental illnesses always work: you get this amazing payoff in exchange for your brain chemistry being wrong, you're this A student and everybody is so proud of you. The thing is, that's just not going to be the way it works. I can't rely on my crazy to make me good at things. I have to do that myself. And I either have to work myself really, really fucking hard, and get all As, or I have to go at my own pace and be content with the grades I get. Depending on what the class is, and how committed to something I am, I'll pick one or the other. That's how it will always work.
And I keep thinking, you know, this isn't fair, this really isn't fair, that I have to work so hard to do what other people can just do, I have to force myself out of bed in the morning in a way that other people will never have to, I am always going to have to try twice as hard on average than any of my friends will to convince myself not to run away from every social interaction in tears, and you know what? It's not fair. But I can tell God it's not fair, I can tell you it's not fair, and not one single one of you, as much as you love me, as much as God loves me, can turn around and say, You're right, and I will make things fair now. It just won't happen. I have to rely on my doctors and my pills and my friends to help me, and I have to rely on myself to be strong, and that's what I will have to do. There just is no other choice (except actually slitting my wrists/ODing on Vistaril/bicycling into traffic, but at the moment I have that ruled out).
tl;dr I can't help being who I am, but neither can anybody else.
And now, the news:
MY SISTER AND HER PARTNER ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY. A leetle RebeccaandNatalie baby! Natalie is going to have it. Omg omg omg, you guys. This is the most wonderful news ever. I'll be an aunt! And THEY'LL HAVE A BABY. Eeeeeeeeeee. So so thrilled and excited for them (and me!). Zomg. Baaaaabbie.
Comment with a character of mine, and I will tell you their:
01.) Full name?
02.) Best friend?
03.) Sexuality?
04.) Favorite color?
05.) Relationship status?
06.) Ideal mate?
07.) Turn-ons?
08.) Last sexual experience?
09.) Favorite food?
10.) Crushes?
11.) Favorite music?
12.) Biggest fear?
13.) Biggest fantasy?
14.) Quirks in bed?
15.) Bad habits?
16.) Biggest regret?
17.) Best kept secrets?
18.) Last thought?
19.) Worst sexual experience?
20.) Biggest insecurity?
no subject
Heartling, nobody's perfect and storybook endings are only that. You know that, and I know that, but take it from a playwright if you'd like a third opinion - Calderon de la Barca:
"What is life? A frenzy. What is life? An illusion, a shadow, a fiction; and all the greatest good is small, for all life is a dream - and dreams are naught but dreams." Translated from the Spanish and embellished by yours truly.
You are brilliant, and anyone who has read anything you've written or talked to you for any length of time will agree. And you're right, it's not fair, and it's not right that you've had this Thing foisted on you, but it cannot be changed and there's no going back. I wouldn't have you any other way. This is part of who you are, now, and your friends love you not in spite of but because of the fact that this is who and what you are. You say this person is not you, that this isn't who you should be, but this is all I have ever known you to be, and I love you just the same and always will. You're a wonderful person and beautiful and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.
Don't let this Thing blind you. Don't try to be the person you were, be the person you are now, flaws and all. The sun is rising - you can choose to face it without blinking or you can close your eyes and just bask in the light, but do try to stop looking over your shoulder at the night. You might miss the changing dawn.
no subject