"But I'm Stuck Here on the Ground..."
Feb. 22nd, 2009 01:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
psalm_onethirtyoneSo, I, you know, I didn't kill myself, it was kind of looking like a good idea for a while there, but I haven't, so.
I've been doing not as good in school as usual, and being very depressed by it, and I keep talking to people who are taking, you know, twenty-three credits or seventeen credits and I'm only taking fourteen (I'm barely scraping by on the credit requirements), and I just failed my first exam in English, and I'm just really frustrated and unhappy about a lot of my classes, and at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be, and I just feel like for a long time now I've wanted to be this perfect daughter, who gets wonderful grades and whose parents don't know anything is wrong--I lie to my parents about things when I've never lied to them before, just so they don't know I'm self-injuring, or depressed, or--it was so hard to admit to Mama to-night that Dr. Hamlett doubled my meds. But she wasn't horrified by the news, and when I said that maybe next semester I'd like to audit some classes, so I could still learn things but I wouldn't have to do all the papers and exams and things, and I thought I'd be a lot calmer if I did that, she said that was a great idea, and she'd done that a lot of times in college.
See, I think I want to be perfect, in a way, I figured I was going to be this girl who has a mental illness, but she's brilliant at things, the way stereotypical mental illnesses always work: you get this amazing payoff in exchange for your brain chemistry being wrong, you're this A student and everybody is so proud of you. The thing is, that's just not going to be the way it works. I can't rely on my crazy to make me good at things. I have to do that myself. And I either have to work myself really, really fucking hard, and get all As, or I have to go at my own pace and be content with the grades I get. Depending on what the class is, and how committed to something I am, I'll pick one or the other. That's how it will always work.
And I keep thinking, you know, this isn't fair, this really isn't fair, that I have to work so hard to do what other people can just do, I have to force myself out of bed in the morning in a way that other people will never have to, I am always going to have to try twice as hard on average than any of my friends will to convince myself not to run away from every social interaction in tears, and you know what? It's not fair. But I can tell God it's not fair, I can tell you it's not fair, and not one single one of you, as much as you love me, as much as God loves me, can turn around and say, You're right, and I will make things fair now. It just won't happen. I have to rely on my doctors and my pills and my friends to help me, and I have to rely on myself to be strong, and that's what I will have to do. There just is no other choice (except actually slitting my wrists/ODing on Vistaril/bicycling into traffic, but at the moment I have that ruled out).
tl;dr I can't help being who I am, but neither can anybody else.
And now, the news:
MY SISTER AND HER PARTNER ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY. A leetle RebeccaandNatalie baby! Natalie is going to have it. Omg omg omg, you guys. This is the most wonderful news ever. I'll be an aunt! And THEY'LL HAVE A BABY. Eeeeeeeeeee. So so thrilled and excited for them (and me!). Zomg. Baaaaabbie.
Comment with a character of mine, and I will tell you their:
01.) Full name?
02.) Best friend?
03.) Sexuality?
04.) Favorite color?
05.) Relationship status?
06.) Ideal mate?
07.) Turn-ons?
08.) Last sexual experience?
09.) Favorite food?
10.) Crushes?
11.) Favorite music?
12.) Biggest fear?
13.) Biggest fantasy?
14.) Quirks in bed?
15.) Bad habits?
16.) Biggest regret?
17.) Best kept secrets?
18.) Last thought?
19.) Worst sexual experience?
20.) Biggest insecurity?
I've been doing not as good in school as usual, and being very depressed by it, and I keep talking to people who are taking, you know, twenty-three credits or seventeen credits and I'm only taking fourteen (I'm barely scraping by on the credit requirements), and I just failed my first exam in English, and I'm just really frustrated and unhappy about a lot of my classes, and at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be, and I just feel like for a long time now I've wanted to be this perfect daughter, who gets wonderful grades and whose parents don't know anything is wrong--I lie to my parents about things when I've never lied to them before, just so they don't know I'm self-injuring, or depressed, or--it was so hard to admit to Mama to-night that Dr. Hamlett doubled my meds. But she wasn't horrified by the news, and when I said that maybe next semester I'd like to audit some classes, so I could still learn things but I wouldn't have to do all the papers and exams and things, and I thought I'd be a lot calmer if I did that, she said that was a great idea, and she'd done that a lot of times in college.
See, I think I want to be perfect, in a way, I figured I was going to be this girl who has a mental illness, but she's brilliant at things, the way stereotypical mental illnesses always work: you get this amazing payoff in exchange for your brain chemistry being wrong, you're this A student and everybody is so proud of you. The thing is, that's just not going to be the way it works. I can't rely on my crazy to make me good at things. I have to do that myself. And I either have to work myself really, really fucking hard, and get all As, or I have to go at my own pace and be content with the grades I get. Depending on what the class is, and how committed to something I am, I'll pick one or the other. That's how it will always work.
And I keep thinking, you know, this isn't fair, this really isn't fair, that I have to work so hard to do what other people can just do, I have to force myself out of bed in the morning in a way that other people will never have to, I am always going to have to try twice as hard on average than any of my friends will to convince myself not to run away from every social interaction in tears, and you know what? It's not fair. But I can tell God it's not fair, I can tell you it's not fair, and not one single one of you, as much as you love me, as much as God loves me, can turn around and say, You're right, and I will make things fair now. It just won't happen. I have to rely on my doctors and my pills and my friends to help me, and I have to rely on myself to be strong, and that's what I will have to do. There just is no other choice (except actually slitting my wrists/ODing on Vistaril/bicycling into traffic, but at the moment I have that ruled out).
tl;dr I can't help being who I am, but neither can anybody else.
And now, the news:
MY SISTER AND HER PARTNER ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY. A leetle RebeccaandNatalie baby! Natalie is going to have it. Omg omg omg, you guys. This is the most wonderful news ever. I'll be an aunt! And THEY'LL HAVE A BABY. Eeeeeeeeeee. So so thrilled and excited for them (and me!). Zomg. Baaaaabbie.
Comment with a character of mine, and I will tell you their:
01.) Full name?
02.) Best friend?
03.) Sexuality?
04.) Favorite color?
05.) Relationship status?
06.) Ideal mate?
07.) Turn-ons?
08.) Last sexual experience?
09.) Favorite food?
10.) Crushes?
11.) Favorite music?
12.) Biggest fear?
13.) Biggest fantasy?
14.) Quirks in bed?
15.) Bad habits?
16.) Biggest regret?
17.) Best kept secrets?
18.) Last thought?
19.) Worst sexual experience?
20.) Biggest insecurity?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 08:13 am (UTC)I think, though, that if you're kinder to yourself and don't freak out over getting B's, you will actually do better academically. Stress helps nothing.
And YAY FOR NATALIEBABBY. Tell them congratulations and they are wonderful!
And, hm. Alex! And Gaheris. I am greedy.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 07:23 pm (UTC)It's a lot like that whole "If you're blind, you get super-hearing" thing, I think. Both lines of thought are wrong & idiotic. It's so hard to pick your way out of that and just hit some sort of baseline.
I agree that being kind to oneself is the way to go. Some days, you can just do your best not to go under completely - and that is Good Enough.
*hugs* to Soujin. I just felt like piggy-backing on what Mhari was saying. ;P
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:59 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:46 am (UTC)I think so too. The hard part is actually putting that into practise.
I will! I am so excited.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:55 am (UTC)02.) Best friend? He would say Emory.
03.) Sexuality? Pan.
04.) Favorite color? Orange. :P
05.) Relationship status? Unofficially married to Emory, but of course the relationship is also an open one. Awkward fail with Anna.
06.) Ideal mate? Someone who is very, very patient. And sexy.
07.) Turn-ons? This is so sad, he likes being felt up. And I think we totally talked about his random kinks when I was over at your house, but I don't remember all of them. XD Anyway, also he finds scars majorly sexy.
08.) Last sexual experience? Comfort!sex with Emory after the Valentine's disaster.
09.) Favorite food? Coffee. Coffee is totally a food.
10.) Crushes? Uh. Everybody? Mordred.
11.) Favorite music? Billy Joel. It's hilarious.
12.) Biggest fear? Being alone.
13.) Biggest fantasy? STRIP-TEASE.
14.) Quirks in bed? He doesn't speak English.
15.) Bad habits? Being easily swayed by even moderate sexing up counts, doesn't it?
16.) Biggest regret? Anna.
17.) Best kept secrets? Usually the epilepsy. That he actually does love his mother. :P
18.) Last thought? We're out of milk.
19.) Worst sexual experience? When he was about seventeen, he decided to see if he could get picked up in a gay bar. It did not go well (but on the plus side he learned that he really liked gay bars).
20.) Biggest insecurity? People finding his epilepsy gross and not wanting to hang around with him. Which is KIND OF SAD, ALEX.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:59 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:24 am (UTC)02.) Best friend? Gaheris fails at having friends. Best thing I can get is Mordred.
03.) Sexuality? Weird.
04.) Favorite color? Grey.
05.) Relationship status? Single, pining for Mordred and Sallie.
06.) Ideal mate? Someone who calls him on his FAIL.
07.) Turn-ons? Seals. :P
08.) Last sexual experience? He doesn't even remember. It was a couple of centuries ago.
09.) Favorite food? Any food is good, let's be frank, here.
10.) Crushes? Mordred, Sallie, Annie...
11.) Favorite music? Music?
12.) Biggest fear? Never getting to die.
13.) Biggest fantasy? THREESOME. No, no, I kid. Buying Sallie a ticket home.
14.) Quirks in bed? Rough sex. Come on, he was married to Lynet.
15.) Bad habits? issues with boundaries, not communicating properly, social anxiety, forgetting to eat, not keeping up with the times, being in love with his brother, list goes on.
16.) Biggest regret? NOT HAVING FINGERS OH THE HUMANITY.
17.) Best kept secrets? That he is sekritly an undead Arthurian knight? Gaheris has no secrets worth keeping, come on.
18.) Last thought? So tired.
19.) Worst sexual experience? Got to say, Gaheris' sexual experiences are so far and few between that there really is no worst, inasmuch as the people he has had sex with are: the selkie, when he still in Orkney, and Lynet. Not a lot to choose from there.
20.) Biggest insecurity? is centred around his mother.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 01:00 pm (UTC)And. Baby. ^__^
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:19 am (UTC)I KNOW.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 01:42 pm (UTC)Um, Percy? And Ragnelle. Can I have two?
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:39 am (UTC)02.) Best friend? See, this is hard. Technically everyone is his best friend. But it's Galahad, let's be honest.
03.) Sexuality? Straight.
04.) Favorite color? Oh man. I think it is green. I cannot be sure.
05.) Relationship status? Married!
06.) Ideal mate? Someone like Cimorene, actually. Someone who's practical and bosses a little and who doesn't mind his quirks and has a lot of patience and loves him and enjoys farm life.
07.) Turn-ons? Ahaha I WOULDN'T KNOW. Given his issues with sex.
08.) Last sexual experience? Cimorene! We assume that it is getting steadily less awkward.
09.) Favorite food? Fresh peaches, and stew with beans.
10.) Crushes? He has a desperate crush on Cimorene and always has. She's so badass! Strong-willed women make him glee.
11.) Favorite music? He likes folk.
12.) Biggest fear? Losing people.
13.) Biggest fantasy? VEGETABLE HEAVEN. I don't know.
14.) Quirks in bed? He's very shy.
15.) Bad habits? Not getting help when there's something wrong with him.
16.) Biggest regret? Losing Her.
17.) Best kept secrets? Gonna go with Her again. After all, not that many people know, right?
18.) Last thought? Well, it was about time.
19.) Worst sexual experience? Ahahahaha. Ha. The one during which HIS GIRLFRIEND BLEW UP.
20.) Biggest insecurity? Cimorene walking out on him because of his weirdness regarding sex. Actually.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 01:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:43 am (UTC)02.) Best friend? Gawain. ♥
03.) Sexuality? Ragnelle is very straight.
04.) Favorite color? Greeeeeen.
05.) Relationship status? Married to Gawain.
06.) Ideal mate? See, Ragnelle and Percy both really did it right as far as marrying people who were right for them.
07.) Turn-ons? Warm weather. XD No, really, she's enough like a tree that she gets all sexy all the time during the spring.
08.) Last sexual experience? Well, it would have to have been with Gawain.
09.) Favorite food? Chestnuts. For some reason.
10.) Crushes? Maaaaybe a little one on Kay.
11.) Favorite music? Ragnelle would totally approve of Cyndi Lauper.
12.) Biggest fear? Being hated by her children.
13.) Biggest fantasy? I have NO idea.
14.) Quirks in bed? She likes to laugh and tease.
15.) Bad habits? Having little to no respect for the problems of people who are not Hers.
16.) Biggest regret? Leaving her babbies and Gawain.
17.) Best kept secrets? Among other things, that she is currently going crazy with wanting to go back to Inglewood.
18.) Last thought? I love you.
19.) Worst sexual experience? This is not possible. All sex is awesome.
20.) Biggest insecurity? Ragnelle is so not insecure.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 01:18 pm (UTC)And hahaha, number 20. I love her.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 02:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 05:16 pm (UTC)and that's exactly why I went to a school with no grades. >_>ummmmm Melou? :D
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:26 am (UTC)01.) Full name? Melou ap Modred
02.) Best friend? Gonna go with Melehan. Oh, Melou. You need to get out more.
03.) Sexuality? Paiiiinfully straight.
04.) Favorite color? Yellow!
05.) Relationship status? Silly fluffy with Miranda fluffy?
06.) Ideal mate? Someone who is nice but doesn't let him get away with his angst.
07.) Turn-ons? He has no idea. XD
08.) Last sexual experience? Hahahaha awwwwkward sex with Courfeyrac for the lose.
09.) Favorite food? Strawberries.
10.) Crushes? Lleu and Goewin. His grandmother. XD
11.) Favorite music? I am not really sure.
12.) Biggest fear? Being asked to do something he can't and failing at it.
13.) Biggest fantasy? Making Daddy omg proud.
14.) Quirks in bed? LOL sigh. I do not know.
15.) Bad habits? Emotastic emotasm.
16.) Biggest regret? Running away.
17.) Best kept secrets? The fact that he has an actual sense of humour?
18.) Last thought? Help.
19.) Worst sexual experience? See above, re: Courfeyrac
20.) Biggest insecurity? Melehan.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:28 am (UTC)Ohhh, Melou. XD Yellow! Of course. XD
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:34 am (UTC)I know right?
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:34 am (UTC)XD
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 06:15 pm (UTC)And eee, baby! :D
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 06:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 06:51 pm (UTC)...I don't actually have a clue how your education system works, but I know that for me, there was an enormous step in terms of difficulty from '6th form' (16-18) to university. In 6th form, I could coast (by which I mean, write most of my essays on the bus, and so forth) and be 'good', work hard and be 'very good'. I got to university & found I was having to work hard just to try and reach average - which was a bit of a shock, really...
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 06:53 pm (UTC)AAAAND BABY! ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:21 am (UTC)BABBY. So excited.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 08:14 pm (UTC)and eeeee baby! (my cousin and his wife are also having a baby and I'm all "EEEEEE A BAAAAAAAABY" before I realize "...wait, I don't like babies" but then I think "but it's Michael and Andi's baby! it will be SO CUUUUUTE!") eeee. ^__^
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-22 08:59 pm (UTC)In the long run, getting all As is completely useless. Frankly, I wish I'd had more fun in high school and got more Bs. It took me until grad school to figure this out, though (and I didn't get anywhere near all As in college, ha! I just angsted more). It's better to figure out the school-work-life balance in undergrad. And a lot of that is not beating yourself up about grades (easier said than done).
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:22 am (UTC)I agree. And I think that's what I'm working for now. Or at least what I am trying to work for.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 09:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 04:54 am (UTC)Aww. Congratulations to them.
And, um, I guess Bossuet? >_>;; Since that's the only figment I'm familiar with. But. Er. Whatever you'd prefer.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:06 am (UTC)02.) Best friend? Joly! of course. And Musichetta.
03.) Sexuality? Biii like a bi thing.
04.) Favorite color? Grey.
05.) Relationship status? Fixed with his Two.
06.) Ideal mate? Why is 'someone with lots of patience' the answer to all of these?
07.) Turn-ons? Threesomes.
08.) Last sexual experience? THREESOME.
09.) Favorite food? Those keen little croissants with chocolate in them.
10.) Crushes? Combeferre but good.
11.) Favorite music? I really couldn't say.
12.) Biggest fear? Being figured out.
13.) Biggest fantasy? FOURSOME.
14.) Quirks in bed? He's somewhat clumsy and very self-deprecating. And it for some reason is kind of cute.
15.) Bad habits? being a LYING LIAR WHO LIES.
16.) Biggest regret? Not getting out sooner.
17.) Best kept secrets? That he fails at everything. That he is sekritly a total misanthropist and kind of fakes a lot of the aspects of his personality because people like them better.
18.) Last thought? Fuck.
19.) Worst sexual experience? I have NO idea.
20.) Biggest insecurity? Something to do with his parents.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-26 03:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 06:38 am (UTC)You're smart enough to realize that this isn't so, and that's a very good thing. Pain may at times be a motivating force, but that doesn't mean that it should be encouraged. Working through it—which seems to be what you've resolved to do—is certainly a healthier and more constructive approach to take.
Also, for whatever it's worth, grades don't mean much of anything. I know lots of brilliant people who were D-and-F students in school, and a decent few idiots, too, who made straight As for a whole host of reasons that had nothing to do with their intelligence or any legitimate academic achievement.
Anyway, I love you. Be happy. ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:07 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:00 am (UTC)I used to call myself the underachieving overachiever. I have a lot of ambition, and a lot of drive, and a lot of goals...when I'm well. These aren't the manic type of goals that people with bi-polar have, they're just normal young people goals that are not too hard to obtain, if some effort is involved. I'm not well very often, and when I am considered "well" by some professionals I'm really just scraping by, so I don't have the true energy to "live up to my potential." I've been told by many that I could have been a musical prodigy, or a published poet and prose author, if I just "put more effort into it." They don't seem to understand that a lot of my effort goes into just getting out of bed every day, and then making sure I get past the couch. Not to sleep, since I don't do much of that, but the pull of lying down and counting dots in the ceiling is tempting when depression takes over and everything you do seems pointless. Might as well do something that actually IS pointless, eh?
Basically my tl;dr comment to your post is to say you are not alone. I did manage to get through college with a semi decent GPA and thus the possibility of fulfilling one of my ambitions (Ph.D) in the future, so there is hope, even if you aren't doing as well as you'd like. I usually scraped by on just enough credits as well and I STILL feel guilty when I hear about people holding down 20 credits and a job or something like that.
But remember, they don't have to use all their energy simply to put on their clothing in the morning, and depressives do.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-23 07:08 am (UTC)♥
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-25 06:34 am (UTC)Heartling, nobody's perfect and storybook endings are only that. You know that, and I know that, but take it from a playwright if you'd like a third opinion - Calderon de la Barca:
"What is life? A frenzy. What is life? An illusion, a shadow, a fiction; and all the greatest good is small, for all life is a dream - and dreams are naught but dreams." Translated from the Spanish and embellished by yours truly.
You are brilliant, and anyone who has read anything you've written or talked to you for any length of time will agree. And you're right, it's not fair, and it's not right that you've had this Thing foisted on you, but it cannot be changed and there's no going back. I wouldn't have you any other way. This is part of who you are, now, and your friends love you not in spite of but because of the fact that this is who and what you are. You say this person is not you, that this isn't who you should be, but this is all I have ever known you to be, and I love you just the same and always will. You're a wonderful person and beautiful and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.
Don't let this Thing blind you. Don't try to be the person you were, be the person you are now, flaws and all. The sun is rising - you can choose to face it without blinking or you can close your eyes and just bask in the light, but do try to stop looking over your shoulder at the night. You might miss the changing dawn.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-25 06:52 am (UTC)