psalm_onethirtyone: (Grow a Little Good)
[personal profile] psalm_onethirtyone
So, I, you know, I didn't kill myself, it was kind of looking like a good idea for a while there, but I haven't, so.

I've been doing not as good in school as usual, and being very depressed by it, and I keep talking to people who are taking, you know, twenty-three credits or seventeen credits and I'm only taking fourteen (I'm barely scraping by on the credit requirements), and I just failed my first exam in English, and I'm just really frustrated and unhappy about a lot of my classes, and at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be, and I just feel like for a long time now I've wanted to be this perfect daughter, who gets wonderful grades and whose parents don't know anything is wrong--I lie to my parents about things when I've never lied to them before, just so they don't know I'm self-injuring, or depressed, or--it was so hard to admit to Mama to-night that Dr. Hamlett doubled my meds. But she wasn't horrified by the news, and when I said that maybe next semester I'd like to audit some classes, so I could still learn things but I wouldn't have to do all the papers and exams and things, and I thought I'd be a lot calmer if I did that, she said that was a great idea, and she'd done that a lot of times in college.

See, I think I want to be perfect, in a way, I figured I was going to be this girl who has a mental illness, but she's brilliant at things, the way stereotypical mental illnesses always work: you get this amazing payoff in exchange for your brain chemistry being wrong, you're this A student and everybody is so proud of you. The thing is, that's just not going to be the way it works. I can't rely on my crazy to make me good at things. I have to do that myself. And I either have to work myself really, really fucking hard, and get all As, or I have to go at my own pace and be content with the grades I get. Depending on what the class is, and how committed to something I am, I'll pick one or the other. That's how it will always work.

And I keep thinking, you know, this isn't fair, this really isn't fair, that I have to work so hard to do what other people can just do, I have to force myself out of bed in the morning in a way that other people will never have to, I am always going to have to try twice as hard on average than any of my friends will to convince myself not to run away from every social interaction in tears, and you know what? It's not fair. But I can tell God it's not fair, I can tell you it's not fair, and not one single one of you, as much as you love me, as much as God loves me, can turn around and say, You're right, and I will make things fair now. It just won't happen. I have to rely on my doctors and my pills and my friends to help me, and I have to rely on myself to be strong, and that's what I will have to do. There just is no other choice (except actually slitting my wrists/ODing on Vistaril/bicycling into traffic, but at the moment I have that ruled out).

tl;dr I can't help being who I am, but neither can anybody else.

And now, the news:

MY SISTER AND HER PARTNER ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY. A leetle RebeccaandNatalie baby! Natalie is going to have it. Omg omg omg, you guys. This is the most wonderful news ever. I'll be an aunt! And THEY'LL HAVE A BABY. Eeeeeeeeeee. So so thrilled and excited for them (and me!). Zomg. Baaaaabbie.

Comment with a character of mine, and I will tell you their:

01.) Full name?
02.) Best friend?
03.) Sexuality?
04.) Favorite color?
05.) Relationship status?
06.) Ideal mate?
07.) Turn-ons?
08.) Last sexual experience?
09.) Favorite food?
10.) Crushes?
11.) Favorite music?
12.) Biggest fear?
13.) Biggest fantasy?
14.) Quirks in bed?
15.) Bad habits?
16.) Biggest regret?
17.) Best kept secrets?
18.) Last thought?
19.) Worst sexual experience?
20.) Biggest insecurity?

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-22 01:42 pm (UTC)
tinyammmy: (Comfort - fakir & mytho)
From: [personal profile] tinyammmy
So much <3, for you and your bravery.

Um, Percy? And Ragnelle. Can I have two?

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-23 06:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rainbowjehan.livejournal.com
01.) Full name? Peredur ap Pellinore
02.) Best friend? See, this is hard. Technically everyone is his best friend. But it's Galahad, let's be honest.
03.) Sexuality? Straight.
04.) Favorite color? Oh man. I think it is green. I cannot be sure.
05.) Relationship status? Married!
06.) Ideal mate? Someone like Cimorene, actually. Someone who's practical and bosses a little and who doesn't mind his quirks and has a lot of patience and loves him and enjoys farm life.
07.) Turn-ons? Ahaha I WOULDN'T KNOW. Given his issues with sex.
08.) Last sexual experience? Cimorene! We assume that it is getting steadily less awkward.
09.) Favorite food? Fresh peaches, and stew with beans.
10.) Crushes? He has a desperate crush on Cimorene and always has. She's so badass! Strong-willed women make him glee.
11.) Favorite music? He likes folk.
12.) Biggest fear? Losing people.
13.) Biggest fantasy? VEGETABLE HEAVEN. I don't know.
14.) Quirks in bed? He's very shy.
15.) Bad habits? Not getting help when there's something wrong with him.
16.) Biggest regret? Losing Her.
17.) Best kept secrets? Gonna go with Her again. After all, not that many people know, right?
18.) Last thought? Well, it was about time.
19.) Worst sexual experience? Ahahahaha. Ha. The one during which HIS GIRLFRIEND BLEW UP.
20.) Biggest insecurity? Cimorene walking out on him because of his weirdness regarding sex. Actually.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-23 01:18 pm (UTC)
tinyammmy: (Danton smiling)
From: [personal profile] tinyammmy
So much <3 for him.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-23 06:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rainbowjehan.livejournal.com
01.) Full name? Ragnelle. I don't think she has more name.
02.) Best friend? Gawain. ♥
03.) Sexuality? Ragnelle is very straight.
04.) Favorite color? Greeeeeen.
05.) Relationship status? Married to Gawain.
06.) Ideal mate? See, Ragnelle and Percy both really did it right as far as marrying people who were right for them.
07.) Turn-ons? Warm weather. XD No, really, she's enough like a tree that she gets all sexy all the time during the spring.
08.) Last sexual experience? Well, it would have to have been with Gawain.
09.) Favorite food? Chestnuts. For some reason.
10.) Crushes? Maaaaybe a little one on Kay.
11.) Favorite music? Ragnelle would totally approve of Cyndi Lauper.
12.) Biggest fear? Being hated by her children.
13.) Biggest fantasy? I have NO idea.
14.) Quirks in bed? She likes to laugh and tease.
15.) Bad habits? Having little to no respect for the problems of people who are not Hers.
16.) Biggest regret? Leaving her babbies and Gawain.
17.) Best kept secrets? Among other things, that she is currently going crazy with wanting to go back to Inglewood.
18.) Last thought? I love you.
19.) Worst sexual experience? This is not possible. All sex is awesome.
20.) Biggest insecurity? Ragnelle is so not insecure.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-23 01:18 pm (UTC)
tinyammmy: (Desmond laugh)
From: [personal profile] tinyammmy
Aw, number 12.

And hahaha, number 20. I love her.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-02-23 02:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rainbowjehan.livejournal.com
Ragnelle is so awesome. XD And kind of ridiculous.

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