"It Just So Happens I Do Paint Them Green..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I cannot really say whether to-day went well or badly.

I can say that I need to make a cake to-morrow, and that I promised to go to work, and that Karen was in a terrible car accident and is in ICU (if anyone wouldn't mind adding her to their prayers, that would be so wonderful), and that I truly do not know what is going on--really at all.

I can say that Mum told me to-day that she's afraid she raised me 'without good bones--no, the word I want is thoughtful. You and your sister never think about other people. Well, no, you think about other people--you never think about me. Neither of you ever does anything nice for me, and it seems like I'm always doing so much for you'. And she's laughing right now and dancing in the kitchen while she makes cookies with Waen--Waen doesn't have to think about the guilt that comes with this, but I do, and it's going to last for a least a week, and I'm going to try so hard, and she's going to be angry because I'm doing it because she 'reminded me'. >__< And I feel like this is such a typical teenager behaviour on my part. I'm complaining about my mother, for heaven's sake. She's a wonderful mother, and one of the sweetest, most beautiful ladies I know, and some how I'm not doing enough, and I'm glad she alerted me so I can try to correct it but she hasn't spoken much to me to-day, and when I kiss her she gives me a very flat 'don't try that' look, even though I'm not trying, I'm truly not--

Family-wise, to-day I do not win in the slightest. At the library, on the other hand, I managed four hours of rainy-day after-school shelving, and felt like a whirlwind set free, like I was accomplishing things. I was good for patron reference, got all my shelving done while juggling check-outs and check-ins, dropped an entire case of DVDs and put them all back in order, and handled my patrons really well--I think really well. I managed to drag things out of the recesses of my mind specifically for the people I was serving, and I thought, look, Soujin's a real librarian--look what Soujin's accomplishing. I'm learning this from Mary-Jane, I'm learning what to say, how to treat regulars, details that will make patrons feel their interests are being noticed--good things.

So I keep changing between feeling strong and wonderful, and feeling like a very bad child (I've always struggled with feeling like the disappointing child, between Waen and I, for what it's worth--this is so ad misericordum, though, the logic book would hate me). And I'll never get to bed to-night without being drugged, unfortunately.

Comments

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth . . . I feel the same way about my family. You may need to do what I did--you may need to ask them to tell you what they want, because I know that I would dearly like to show my family how I love them, but I don't know how to. *hugs you close* Just like with the patrons; sometimes, you don't know how to anticipate what they want until they've asked you for what they want lots of times. And you've gotten better with the patrons, so if your mother asks, then surely you'll get better with her as well?

[tiamatschild.livejournal.com]

*huuuugs* Honey, probably what your Mom's feeling isn't really about you personally. It's a kids thing. And possibly a father thing, too. You're the eldest child currently at home, so you're catching the brunt of the family imbalances and how they rebound. Even though your mother's fantastic, she's human, and that's bound to happen.

My mama's amazing and it happens to me too. It sucks, it's hard to deal with, it's not entirely fair, but it's not a reflection of your actual worth as a daughter.

*snugsnugs*

[erinpuff]

**hugs** It's totally not my place to say this at all, so please forgive me, but I don't think your mum should have said that either. :p Soujin + not doing nice things for someone = does not compute. You obviously care about other people, including your family. So there.

Oh, and the "grr you're only doing this because I told you to" is urgh, should she actually do that. My grandmother said things like that to me all the time--she guilt-tripped or conned me into going downstairs to visit her and then complained at me about how I never visited unless she made me. Which was a real incentive to visit more, of course. :p

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

I think it's a really common reaction to being a parent, after having been a parent for so many years. My mom does the same thing, but my mom's been a parent for thirty years, and she's probably not a very good example anyway. I mean, when you think about the "I'm always doing so much for you," and I mean really think about it, you have to remember that it means things like changing one's entire life to have a child, feeding, clothing, teaching, supporting-- and while that's all the normal parts of being a parent, there's not really much that a child can do to rival it, is there, because in the natural balance of the relationship, the parent gives and the child recieves. So maybe it's a parent issue? Not that it's not a sign that maybe you should talk to her, ask her what she needs that you're not giving (because if she doesn't tell you, how are you supposed to know?) and see if you can give it. But it definitely sounds like something that's not on your end of the relationship, or not entirely.

It also is a normal teenager-issue. Teenagers are ungrateful and parents tell their teenagers that they are; it's because you and Waen are both getting past the age where you need her for everything. That really does change the dynamic, and I think that because you're older than Waen and in some ways have had to grow up faster, you'll feel the changes first.

...but you know, my family doesn't possess any sort of affection at all, so you're welcome to ignore me.

[josiana.livejournal.com]

Eeep. She probably could've phrased that better. Maybe she's just frustrated with things in general? It's not quite fair to you, though.

But, despite my terrible advice, I'm sorry. *hugs*