"Beyond the Cheap Coloured Lights - Glory!"

Today could not, frankly, have been worse. Cried all over three or four people, including my da', proseprincess19, and Mrs Match.

Was invited to see the Scholastic Awards. Halfway through what must have been over one-hundred-fifty kids, began to feel incredibly useless. By the time it was all over, was so depressed. To-day is my day of worthlessness. Everyone else there (Ezra, Mary-Kate, Peter, Shouka, proseprincess19) was getting awards for something I'll never be able to do, because I write fanfiction. I wasn't jealous. I've only ever been jealous once. But I didn't know what to do while everyone else was standing around being congratulated, and then I got lost and couldn't find da', and simply sobbed all over everyone. So stupid. She is a rather stupid Soujin.

But the difficulty is, the Soujin is thirteen, and everyone else she knows is Much Older. Everyone else has important Older Person troubles. Soujin has pathetic thirteen-year-old troubles, like the fact that she will never ever win a Scholastic Award or learn to be a proper acolyte. While other people have relationships, Soujin can only stand awkwardly over there somewhere and wish she knew what to say, but that fact that she knows nothing about such matters really rather impairs her. And then the difficulty is that her pathetic thirteen-year-old issues are simply nothing besides everyone else's Older Persons Who Have Lives difficulties.

What in hell am I doing here? Write a book or throw myself in the Juniata, hell.

Also, despite that she is a pacifistic anti-violence frightened Soujin, and Johnny Depp's Sleepy Hollow has just traumatised her to death, will kill the next person who reviews 'The Shadow' and informs me that Enjolras is an only child. It's an effing AU, damn it.

But I did write mhari Jehan/'Ferre, because even when depressed, she is a good, dutiful Soujin.

( 'There it Was' )