"In the USA You Can Work Your Way to the Head of the Line..."

In case anyone is actually wondering, Mum killed the computer last night. So I stayed in my room with my new Assassins soundtrack and learned one verse of the Czolgosz song, which I have been singing all day. Everyone is annoyed.

To-day we brought to computer to our computer-repair shop, and the fellow generally bitched at me and said it was my fault and "the problem lies between the keyboard and the chair" and smoked cigarettes despite the fact that he's got tonnes of no-smoking signs all over his shop and re-installed our entire system and we had to rebuild it all once it was installed.

Then we realised it hadn't worked after all so we went back and he bitched some more and said it was my fault some more and smoked more cigarettes and told me we have to re-install the whole system again so the problem still isn't solved and the computer is only half-working.

And I smell of cigarette smoke.

Meh.

"Everybody Has the Right to be Happy..."

You know what's weird?

I can't stop thinking that Grandma's still alive. I miss her, but not in a "Oh, my God, she's never coming back she's dead" kind of way. In a "Damn, she moved away" kind of way. I keep thinking that she's still living in her weird little apartment complex somewhere. I know she won't come back, but I still think she's alive.

I think it's because of how screwed-up things were before she died. Four months before, she went away to live in her weird little apartment complex and I never saw her after that because it was too far away to drive there. And it's like that's still the way it is.

Then, when she died, Mum asked if I wanted to view the body and I freaked out and started spouting cliche-y things like "I want to remember her the way she used to be, not dead!". I think I was just scared of being in the room with someone dead, or else crying my head off unstoppably or something, but anyway I didn't go. Mum thinks maybe I didn't get closure because of that.

But I just can't stop thinking that she's alive. I always feel weird when people mention her dying, even though I talk about her in the past tense with no trouble. I missed her because she wasn't at the family reunion.

She sent us Easter cards before she died, and we got them afterwards. Waen said that was weird for her, getting cards even though Grandma was dead.

I'm sorry. This was kind of a useless post to make, since it's completely inconclusive or unrganised or anything.

I just don't understand.

You know the Beatle's song that has the line "Elaine is in my ears and in my eyes"? Grandma's name was Elaine. And that's what it feels like. And I still sing that song all the time.