"You're Not Healing; Just Concealing..."
Feb. 7th, 2006 09:07 pmI'm not dead. I might as well have been, but I'm not.
I think. I.
Well.
Mum's looking for a new job, and I'm taking more Prozac, and falling asleep at night (sometimes) without the Ativan, and I'm still on Doxycyclin, which I can't spell, and I'm down to only four pills a day, isn't that wonderful? But I keep forgetting to take my multivitamin, it's been two days since I took it last, I don't think I can really be bothered, and anyway something.
I'm.
I sent out all my packages. Twenty-two altogether, and then Miss Zara's big one. I spent all my allowance, and Mum was rather annoyed, because I had to ask her to buy me tissue paper--I found the most beautiful tissue paper I've ever seen, green and blue with gold and silver, and I just had to have it--the silliest things make me happy--
And I couldn't choose just ten of my people to make valentines, so I'm going to make for all sixty of them, just as I did last year, but I'll have to be busy all my evenings for the rest of this week, and I don't see how I'd have time otherwise, truly I don't, so I don't suppose I'll be around much most of this week. But I wanted to let you know why I won't be here.
And. And. Remember John? John, my gentleman at work who I saved last year? Who I brought back because he went out, and nobody noticed but me when I went out to get the post, and I took his hand and talked to him and got him to walk back in with me? He died. But I've said that before. But something like that happened yesterday, and I told Mum and Da', and for the first time, you know, Da' understood and Mum didn't. Usually Mum understands. But this time only Da' did. And I wrote about it Nanni, but I don't know what else to say. It was. and Eleanor. (I don't want to lose Eleanor ever. Her hair is so soft. And I just).
I want to love everything and everyone so much. I've been trying to think about myself less. I've been trying to smile at people, and notice something nice about everyone I see. I wish that I could go up to people and tell them what I notice. But I don't dare, really, because people would think I was rather mad. Waen thinks I'm rather mad.
And Cary Grant in a feathered neglige is about the best thing I've ever seen in my life.
And.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm getting much better, and sometimes I feel as though I'm only getting worse. And I'm afraid I'll run out of paper, I truly am. And I had the loveliest salad to-day, I haven't had such a nice salad in ages, and I don't know, really I don't, let's not talk, may I just say I love you over and over and over, please?
I think I need to be kissed or slapped and I'm not sure which, I just, I just.
(Found a Van Helsing romance paperback at the grocery to-day. I laughed and laughed and lost all faith in a God.)
--I think I'll post Miss Kylee's story now. And then I'll do. something.
I think. I.
Well.
Mum's looking for a new job, and I'm taking more Prozac, and falling asleep at night (sometimes) without the Ativan, and I'm still on Doxycyclin, which I can't spell, and I'm down to only four pills a day, isn't that wonderful? But I keep forgetting to take my multivitamin, it's been two days since I took it last, I don't think I can really be bothered, and anyway something.
I'm.
I sent out all my packages. Twenty-two altogether, and then Miss Zara's big one. I spent all my allowance, and Mum was rather annoyed, because I had to ask her to buy me tissue paper--I found the most beautiful tissue paper I've ever seen, green and blue with gold and silver, and I just had to have it--the silliest things make me happy--
And I couldn't choose just ten of my people to make valentines, so I'm going to make for all sixty of them, just as I did last year, but I'll have to be busy all my evenings for the rest of this week, and I don't see how I'd have time otherwise, truly I don't, so I don't suppose I'll be around much most of this week. But I wanted to let you know why I won't be here.
And. And. Remember John? John, my gentleman at work who I saved last year? Who I brought back because he went out, and nobody noticed but me when I went out to get the post, and I took his hand and talked to him and got him to walk back in with me? He died. But I've said that before. But something like that happened yesterday, and I told Mum and Da', and for the first time, you know, Da' understood and Mum didn't. Usually Mum understands. But this time only Da' did. And I wrote about it Nanni, but I don't know what else to say. It was. and Eleanor. (I don't want to lose Eleanor ever. Her hair is so soft. And I just).
I want to love everything and everyone so much. I've been trying to think about myself less. I've been trying to smile at people, and notice something nice about everyone I see. I wish that I could go up to people and tell them what I notice. But I don't dare, really, because people would think I was rather mad. Waen thinks I'm rather mad.
And Cary Grant in a feathered neglige is about the best thing I've ever seen in my life.
And.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm getting much better, and sometimes I feel as though I'm only getting worse. And I'm afraid I'll run out of paper, I truly am. And I had the loveliest salad to-day, I haven't had such a nice salad in ages, and I don't know, really I don't, let's not talk, may I just say I love you over and over and over, please?
I think I need to be kissed or slapped and I'm not sure which, I just, I just.
(Found a Van Helsing romance paperback at the grocery to-day. I laughed and laughed and lost all faith in a God.)
--I think I'll post Miss Kylee's story now. And then I'll do. something.