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Mama told me that my stupid laugh is, in fact, stupid. This should not bother me as much as it does. I know it's stupid.
And I keep having Lenten nightmares. It's absolutely ridiculous. I keep dreaming that I've broken the Lenten fast, and waking up in a panicked terror. X___x I mean, for heaven's sake, really. For how many people would this be an issue, even?
Two doctor's appointments to-morrow, and I don't really want to go to either one of them, at all at all. I'd rather stay home.
(And Daniel died, but--that must have been better--I don't know. My beautiful wicked teasing gentleman. I truly don't think he recognised me any more, and I could never get him to smile any more, but I loved him so much and I can't believe I shan't ever see him again and I'm stupid, I know--and I don't know it was better, but it must have been, mustn't it, because he was so sick, but--I don't know.)
I win at failing to-day. Pretty much I failed the entire day.
May the rest of the week be better, pray God.
(And Waen's having her pottery cast to-night, and I really can't wait to see it, and to-morrow's going to be a lovely day for Mum, and she's needed one of those so badly, and maybe it'll rain, and that would be good because it's so dry the gardens are all failing--and I can probably do some cleaning to-morrow, which'd be nice, and there are lots of things to be pleased about, really there are, I just failed to-day, but to-morrow's theoretically got to better, and I need to get over myself--hi.)
(Besides, most of my people are doing really well. And I talked to Rosella to-day, she said, she said, "Do you mind talking to me? Because I'm lonely and I think I'm a little depressed, and my sister lives too far away to visit a lot, and I was wondering if you would have time to talk to me a little, but if that'll keep you from your work you don't have to, but if you could," and I said Good God, of course I could, that was my work and I love her anyway and I sat with her for a little while and now I'm going to visit her every time I come in, the way I do Charlie and Eleanor and some of my other ladies and my gentlemen. And I got to wheel Jim up his hall, and Curtis too, and I've been staying far away from Norm, and Kathy likes her CDs, so goodness knows what I have to complain about anyway--)
(Hi.)
...
And I keep having Lenten nightmares. It's absolutely ridiculous. I keep dreaming that I've broken the Lenten fast, and waking up in a panicked terror. X___x I mean, for heaven's sake, really. For how many people would this be an issue, even?
Two doctor's appointments to-morrow, and I don't really want to go to either one of them, at all at all. I'd rather stay home.
(And Daniel died, but--that must have been better--I don't know. My beautiful wicked teasing gentleman. I truly don't think he recognised me any more, and I could never get him to smile any more, but I loved him so much and I can't believe I shan't ever see him again and I'm stupid, I know--and I don't know it was better, but it must have been, mustn't it, because he was so sick, but--I don't know.)
I win at failing to-day. Pretty much I failed the entire day.
May the rest of the week be better, pray God.
(And Waen's having her pottery cast to-night, and I really can't wait to see it, and to-morrow's going to be a lovely day for Mum, and she's needed one of those so badly, and maybe it'll rain, and that would be good because it's so dry the gardens are all failing--and I can probably do some cleaning to-morrow, which'd be nice, and there are lots of things to be pleased about, really there are, I just failed to-day, but to-morrow's theoretically got to better, and I need to get over myself--hi.)
(Besides, most of my people are doing really well. And I talked to Rosella to-day, she said, she said, "Do you mind talking to me? Because I'm lonely and I think I'm a little depressed, and my sister lives too far away to visit a lot, and I was wondering if you would have time to talk to me a little, but if that'll keep you from your work you don't have to, but if you could," and I said Good God, of course I could, that was my work and I love her anyway and I sat with her for a little while and now I'm going to visit her every time I come in, the way I do Charlie and Eleanor and some of my other ladies and my gentlemen. And I got to wheel Jim up his hall, and Curtis too, and I've been staying far away from Norm, and Kathy likes her CDs, so goodness knows what I have to complain about anyway--)
(Hi.)
...
