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I've been having nightmares again. Two or three a night, always vivid, and I always wake up in a panic. I slept during the afternoon to-day because I was so tired, and I had two more.
My feet are doing okay. I can put on the sulfadine and allevyn foam and bandages myself now; I taught me out of necessity. The right one bled everywhere this morning, but that's a lot better than draining, so I think it's well on its way. The other one's still draining and looking sort of sickly, but I did it up and I'll leave it alone and hope that helps. I'm trying to stop my bad habits a little; I always pick cuts and bandages, so I put socks on for the last four days so that I can't get to the bandages.
I am very cold.
I told a walk to-day with Maggie and we went to the post office to see Vicki, who came out from behind the counter to pet her. Maggie was really well-behaved and very good. Vicki told us that Hallowe'en is actually on Monday, which was good to know. We always have Hallowe'en on some strange date because otherwise the Harrisburg kids try to come and trick-or-treat, and we're so small a town and everybody gets very irritated. It's basically a secret in the borough when it's going to be, so you have to find someone who lives here and ask.
Lou isn't home yet--I checked--so Maggie didn't get to meet her. I saw Becca out mowing when I went by her house, and waved; she waved back.
I feel very sad right now, and very frustrated--it's sort of a funny feeling. I feel like I just keep doing the wrong thing no matter how hard I try, and I'm not really sure what to do. I don't know what you do when you love someone but everytime you talk it ends up with you saying something stupid or mean or hurtful, even if you didn't know it was going to be--I don't know how to keep going, you know? I want to get things right, and I'm just not any good at getting them right, and it's weird, because with most other people I'm okay. Usually I'm completely silly, but never awful--and this time it just seems like I'm always awful. I ranted and cried at the dogs while we were out walking, and they just looked at me. ^^ I don't know. Maybe I'm not giving enough. I always worry I'm not giving enough.
Anyway Waen and I watched The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants to make fun of it, and we generally succeeded, except that the whole plot with Bailey and Tibby made me start crying, and Waen really doesn't like it when I cry. She was nice about it, though. I was sobbing and she was just making little jokes and waiting for me to stop.
Mum's plane is late, so she won't be home until past midnight. I want to talk to her about my car--this is very silly, I already call it my car, even though there's a ninety-nine point nine percent chance I'm not going to get it. It's this beautiful little Honda Insight, sixty miles per gallon, just refinished, going for four-thousand. When Grandma died she left me thirty-six hundred for a car, and I have the rest from working over the summer, so I could buy it, but--it's not really very likely that I will. You know.
We like talking about Grandma. The other day we were talking about how grouchy she was right before she died. It's not hard, for some reason, to admit that she had a lot of faults. She loved us all very much, but God, she was so nasty to all her friends. ^^ I actually think it's easier to talk about her than Nana. Because Grandma was always, always sensible and sane her whole life, and she knew us all when she died, and we miss her but she hurt so much that really I think it was better, maybe. And she lived a full life. But Nana's just getting worse every day, and Granddad's going, too. They just sit around their house and don't know where they are. That just makes me sadder than Grandma. I wish they lived here and I could do things with them. Aunt Jeanie lives out in the middle of nowhere, and her kids are in school and she and Joi both work full-time, so no one's ever around with them. They're always by theirselves. And I wish they were here, because after I do my schoolwork I have plenty of time, and I can drive now, so maybe I could take them places shopping, or just visit and talk. I wonder if they're lonely. I don't think they have any sense of time passing any more. Mum says that Nana gets up around ten and goes to bed around five and she's sleeping all of that time, and wandering around asking Granddad questions the rest of the time. And--see, when they lived in Tullahoma, Granddad could walk or drive down to the Y, and he'd go swimming and he had friends and everything, but now he can't drive any more and he doesn't get any exercise or stimulation--he's been banned from the forge because he nearly spilled hot bronze all over himself, and he did fall and crack his head open. So he just sits around reading magazines and watching TV. I wish so much they were here. I'd go places with them, I would. It's--not really fair. I miss them. Granddad still knows who I am, but Nana just thinks I'm Mum as a little girl all the time.
Also I'm still cold. And--confused, I think. I'm just confused. I don't really know how to make friendships work. It's just so touch and go and I don't know how much is too much--I don't know. It's like I used to be able to say all the right things and be helpful and make people feel better, and now I think I'm just kind of bothersome, or maybe superfluous, or maybe just not helpful any more. I've lost my ability to make a difference.
This--is silly. Maybe. I think I'm going to put on a coat and go pray.
My feet are doing okay. I can put on the sulfadine and allevyn foam and bandages myself now; I taught me out of necessity. The right one bled everywhere this morning, but that's a lot better than draining, so I think it's well on its way. The other one's still draining and looking sort of sickly, but I did it up and I'll leave it alone and hope that helps. I'm trying to stop my bad habits a little; I always pick cuts and bandages, so I put socks on for the last four days so that I can't get to the bandages.
I am very cold.
I told a walk to-day with Maggie and we went to the post office to see Vicki, who came out from behind the counter to pet her. Maggie was really well-behaved and very good. Vicki told us that Hallowe'en is actually on Monday, which was good to know. We always have Hallowe'en on some strange date because otherwise the Harrisburg kids try to come and trick-or-treat, and we're so small a town and everybody gets very irritated. It's basically a secret in the borough when it's going to be, so you have to find someone who lives here and ask.
Lou isn't home yet--I checked--so Maggie didn't get to meet her. I saw Becca out mowing when I went by her house, and waved; she waved back.
I feel very sad right now, and very frustrated--it's sort of a funny feeling. I feel like I just keep doing the wrong thing no matter how hard I try, and I'm not really sure what to do. I don't know what you do when you love someone but everytime you talk it ends up with you saying something stupid or mean or hurtful, even if you didn't know it was going to be--I don't know how to keep going, you know? I want to get things right, and I'm just not any good at getting them right, and it's weird, because with most other people I'm okay. Usually I'm completely silly, but never awful--and this time it just seems like I'm always awful. I ranted and cried at the dogs while we were out walking, and they just looked at me. ^^ I don't know. Maybe I'm not giving enough. I always worry I'm not giving enough.
Anyway Waen and I watched The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants to make fun of it, and we generally succeeded, except that the whole plot with Bailey and Tibby made me start crying, and Waen really doesn't like it when I cry. She was nice about it, though. I was sobbing and she was just making little jokes and waiting for me to stop.
Mum's plane is late, so she won't be home until past midnight. I want to talk to her about my car--this is very silly, I already call it my car, even though there's a ninety-nine point nine percent chance I'm not going to get it. It's this beautiful little Honda Insight, sixty miles per gallon, just refinished, going for four-thousand. When Grandma died she left me thirty-six hundred for a car, and I have the rest from working over the summer, so I could buy it, but--it's not really very likely that I will. You know.
We like talking about Grandma. The other day we were talking about how grouchy she was right before she died. It's not hard, for some reason, to admit that she had a lot of faults. She loved us all very much, but God, she was so nasty to all her friends. ^^ I actually think it's easier to talk about her than Nana. Because Grandma was always, always sensible and sane her whole life, and she knew us all when she died, and we miss her but she hurt so much that really I think it was better, maybe. And she lived a full life. But Nana's just getting worse every day, and Granddad's going, too. They just sit around their house and don't know where they are. That just makes me sadder than Grandma. I wish they lived here and I could do things with them. Aunt Jeanie lives out in the middle of nowhere, and her kids are in school and she and Joi both work full-time, so no one's ever around with them. They're always by theirselves. And I wish they were here, because after I do my schoolwork I have plenty of time, and I can drive now, so maybe I could take them places shopping, or just visit and talk. I wonder if they're lonely. I don't think they have any sense of time passing any more. Mum says that Nana gets up around ten and goes to bed around five and she's sleeping all of that time, and wandering around asking Granddad questions the rest of the time. And--see, when they lived in Tullahoma, Granddad could walk or drive down to the Y, and he'd go swimming and he had friends and everything, but now he can't drive any more and he doesn't get any exercise or stimulation--he's been banned from the forge because he nearly spilled hot bronze all over himself, and he did fall and crack his head open. So he just sits around reading magazines and watching TV. I wish so much they were here. I'd go places with them, I would. It's--not really fair. I miss them. Granddad still knows who I am, but Nana just thinks I'm Mum as a little girl all the time.
Also I'm still cold. And--confused, I think. I'm just confused. I don't really know how to make friendships work. It's just so touch and go and I don't know how much is too much--I don't know. It's like I used to be able to say all the right things and be helpful and make people feel better, and now I think I'm just kind of bothersome, or maybe superfluous, or maybe just not helpful any more. I've lost my ability to make a difference.
This--is silly. Maybe. I think I'm going to put on a coat and go pray.
