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"Reaching Forward at Mirror Men..."
Mar. 15th, 2009 11:55 pmI am rattled all to hell and back and I cannot figure out why. I think moving back and forth between places always shakes me up a little.
Also I am just. So lost, religion-wise. I've never had this problem before, but I don't know, I'm not happy going to church any more. I don't agree with what they're saying, and I know it's partly because Ed's just a terrible preacher and he's not ours and he has this Christian-supremacist viewpoint that's absolutely unconscionable, but I still don't feel right. I feel like God--almost like God is mad at me, except I've always believed that God is merciful and gentle and doesn't hate anyone, and somehow I feel like I shouldn't be in his house, like I don't belong in there. I just feel so out of place.
And I know it used to mean something really deep in my stomach when I was kneeling up at the altar and dipping my wafer in the wine, but it's all mechanical now, it just feels like something I do. I pray every night, the same evening prayer litany I've used for two or three years now, with a collect and a psalm and prayers for people, and for a long time then I went over my sins and asked forgiveness for them, and then I tried changing it around and going through the blessings and thanking God for them, but it's the same as Eucharist, it feels like I pray and God isn't really listening--not because he doesn't care, but because I've been doing something wrong, and I've somehow turned away from him, and he can't hear me because I'm not speaking the right way to him any more.
I've been reading a lot of books and watching a lot of films with religious imagery, with religious talk, and I just start crying and feeling so empty inside, like there's a big empty blank space and I've lost something. I know so much about the bible with all the classes I take, I've read the Synoptic gospels and the Gospel of John, Revelations and Hebrews, infancy gospels and sayings gospels, and I can tell you all kinds of really cool facts about them and all these things I know about Jesus from different historical perspectives, and I feel like me, me inside me, I've lost him, and I don't know how to get it back where it was, where I felt like he could hear me and understand me and know what was going on and everything. I just don't know what to do. I mean, maybe I should talk to a priest or something, but I don't know anybody that I can talk to. Professor Braxton is on sabbatical, and I don't know any of the preachers here, and I can't talk to Daphne at home because she's evil. I don't know who to ask or what to do when something like this happens. And being religious made me so happy, I felt so happy being sure about God, and I hate this.
And the worst part is, it's not that I don't believe in God and Jesus. It's that I still believe, but I don't feel like I believe right, because I feel like I've done something wrong and they're just not listening any more, and it's my fault. And I don't know what you do about that.
(and my nightmares are back. Every day this week.)
Also I am just. So lost, religion-wise. I've never had this problem before, but I don't know, I'm not happy going to church any more. I don't agree with what they're saying, and I know it's partly because Ed's just a terrible preacher and he's not ours and he has this Christian-supremacist viewpoint that's absolutely unconscionable, but I still don't feel right. I feel like God--almost like God is mad at me, except I've always believed that God is merciful and gentle and doesn't hate anyone, and somehow I feel like I shouldn't be in his house, like I don't belong in there. I just feel so out of place.
And I know it used to mean something really deep in my stomach when I was kneeling up at the altar and dipping my wafer in the wine, but it's all mechanical now, it just feels like something I do. I pray every night, the same evening prayer litany I've used for two or three years now, with a collect and a psalm and prayers for people, and for a long time then I went over my sins and asked forgiveness for them, and then I tried changing it around and going through the blessings and thanking God for them, but it's the same as Eucharist, it feels like I pray and God isn't really listening--not because he doesn't care, but because I've been doing something wrong, and I've somehow turned away from him, and he can't hear me because I'm not speaking the right way to him any more.
I've been reading a lot of books and watching a lot of films with religious imagery, with religious talk, and I just start crying and feeling so empty inside, like there's a big empty blank space and I've lost something. I know so much about the bible with all the classes I take, I've read the Synoptic gospels and the Gospel of John, Revelations and Hebrews, infancy gospels and sayings gospels, and I can tell you all kinds of really cool facts about them and all these things I know about Jesus from different historical perspectives, and I feel like me, me inside me, I've lost him, and I don't know how to get it back where it was, where I felt like he could hear me and understand me and know what was going on and everything. I just don't know what to do. I mean, maybe I should talk to a priest or something, but I don't know anybody that I can talk to. Professor Braxton is on sabbatical, and I don't know any of the preachers here, and I can't talk to Daphne at home because she's evil. I don't know who to ask or what to do when something like this happens. And being religious made me so happy, I felt so happy being sure about God, and I hate this.
And the worst part is, it's not that I don't believe in God and Jesus. It's that I still believe, but I don't feel like I believe right, because I feel like I've done something wrong and they're just not listening any more, and it's my fault. And I don't know what you do about that.
(and my nightmares are back. Every day this week.)
