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psalm_onethirtyoneI've turned into something I always thought I had too much pride to be. And I hate myself. I hate myself much more than I ever did before and I'm so scared because I think I'm going to hate myself all my life.
I have no idea what's wrong with me. I used to be able to do this. It used to work. I wasn't always happy, but I was losing weight and I was even proud of myself for a little while, remember that? But not any more. Now I'm just unhappy and fat. And that is such an ugly sentence that I feel crawly just typing it, but it's true. I think it even embarrasses Waen now, and that makes me so ashamed. A moment ago I was sitting on my hands because I wanted so badly to hurt myself and scratch at my face and do something. I've taken away all my jewellery to punish myself, and won't be allowed to wear it until I've begun to lose weight again. I'm going to take away my dresses, too, if this goes on, and just wear trousers.
I just. So much hate.
And I can't even write any longer. I used to have that. Now I'm completely useless. I can't stand my writing any longer, and I hate it. I notice everything that's wrong, and I don't know how to fix it and there's just nothing I have any longer, because I don't want to write any more. Again. I will put everything into becoming a surgeon, because that is all I am going to be able to do.
I don't know what to do any longer. I do not think I will ever be beautiful.
I have no idea what's wrong with me. I used to be able to do this. It used to work. I wasn't always happy, but I was losing weight and I was even proud of myself for a little while, remember that? But not any more. Now I'm just unhappy and fat. And that is such an ugly sentence that I feel crawly just typing it, but it's true. I think it even embarrasses Waen now, and that makes me so ashamed. A moment ago I was sitting on my hands because I wanted so badly to hurt myself and scratch at my face and do something. I've taken away all my jewellery to punish myself, and won't be allowed to wear it until I've begun to lose weight again. I'm going to take away my dresses, too, if this goes on, and just wear trousers.
I just. So much hate.
And I can't even write any longer. I used to have that. Now I'm completely useless. I can't stand my writing any longer, and I hate it. I notice everything that's wrong, and I don't know how to fix it and there's just nothing I have any longer, because I don't want to write any more. Again. I will put everything into becoming a surgeon, because that is all I am going to be able to do.
I don't know what to do any longer. I do not think I will ever be beautiful.
