"In Russet Mantle Clad..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

Ros and Guil: So. Um. Where's Polonius?

Hamlet: ...Not here. SPONGE YO.

Ros: ;_______________; I'm a sponge?

Hamlet: Oh, my, yes.

Ros: ;__________________;

Hamlet: HA HA! CATCH ME IF YOU CAANNNNN!

Guil: Mannnnn. Not again. I hate this guy.

SCENE CHANGE.

Claudius: So, everybody? We're sending the crazy kid to England.

Danish Court, collectively: ALL RIGHT!

Guil: ...We caught the stupid kid.

Claudius: Rock. :D Bring him in.

Hamlet: Hiiiiiiiii!

Claudius: Okay, so where's Polonius?

Hamlet: *ramble ramble grin grin* Not here.

Claudius: I am very much hating you right now. WHERE IS POLONIUS?

Hamlet: Heaven, I think.

Claudius: Oh, yes?

Hamlet: Well, if he's not, you can find him by shooting yourself in the head.

Claudius: You. are. a. little. weirdo.

Hamlet: He's under the stairs.

Claudius: Thank you.

Hamlet: Sure.

Claudius: By the way, you're going to England.

Hamlet: ...I am?

Claudius: Yes, ohhhhh, yes. BABY BABY YEAH! ENGLAND HAS TO DEAL WITH YOU NOW!

Hamlet: 'Bye, Mum.

Claudius: ...Plz get out of here.

Hamlet: :D *bounces out*

Claudius: England, if you do not kill the crazy emo kid, I swear I will laugh when he invades your country and you make him a God WHO HAS MY NAME.

SCENE CHANGE.

Fortinbras: I am teh cool.

Captain: Oh, yes you are.

Fortinbras: Look at my shiny crown and my armour. Does Hamlet have? No he does not.

Captain: <33333

Hamlet: Who is that guy?

Captain: Fortinbras, He Who is Shinier Than Thou.

Hamlet: Awww, mannnn.

Ros: Can we go, please? It's cold.

Hamlet: I need a soliloquy first.

Guil: ...Well, we're going on without you. Catch up later.

Hamlet: Okay! :D *soloquies. with much emo* Everything sucks. Me too. Okay, I'm ready to go!

Guil: ABOUT TIME.

SCENE CHANGE.

Gertrude: I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE ANGST KTHNX.

Horatio: But she's crazy. And ugly. And has a stupid hat, and looks bad in green. She needs some sympathy from somebody!

Gertrude: Okay, FINE. ;________; I hate everything.

Ophelia: LOOK, I GOT NEW CLOTHES! AND THEY'RE NOT GREEN! AND I'M NOT WEARING MY STUPID HAT ANY MORE!

Horatio: Look. ;____; Craziness actually made her more attractive.

Ophelia: But one thing isn't more attractive, and that's my voice! I can't sing!

Gertrude: >_< Ow, you can't.

Claudius: Oh, man, is she crazy too?

Gertrude: YOU JUST NOTICED?

Ophelia: I LOVE YOU!

Claudius: I'M MARRIED! GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF!

Ophelia: ;_____________;

Gertrude: This is very bad.

Ophelia: MY BROTHER WILL KILL YOU ALL.

Claudius: ...What's the likelihood of that happening, please?

Gertrude: Um....

Laertes: I WILL KILL YOU ALL! >:(

Claudius: ...Great.

Gertrude: This sucks. Laertes, do not kill my husband kthnx.

Laertes: OH YOU WISH. I AM GOING TO MAKE HIM VERY DED LIEK NOW.

Gertrude: No, please.

Claudius: Oh, come on. Laertes, you are much with the pathetic. Why do you want to kill me?

Laertes: YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE.

Claudius: Baby, baby, calm down. SOME OTHER DUDE KILLED YOUR FATHER.

Laertes: ...Excuse me?

Ophelia: Ohhh, I have pretty flowers! Pretty pretty flowers!

Laertes: ...

Ophelia: *criez*

Laertes: 'Phelia?

Ophelia: DON'T TOUCH ME ZOMG. ;____________;

Laertes: Okay, I feel like this has happened before... Why are the crazy people so angry in this film? Baby, sister, please, don't smack me.

Ophelia: Okay. Have a flower. ;______________;

Laertes: This is all SO BAD.

Ophelia: LOOK! I HAVE ALL THE RIGHT FLOWERS FOR WHAT I'M SAYING! LOOK AT MY FENNEL! LOOK AT MY DAISIES!

Laertes: Watch me shake. Watch my manly grief plz.

Ophelia: I HATE YOU. 'BYE.

Laertes: I AM SO MANLY AND LOOK HOW I'M TURNING RED I HAVE NO WORDS FOR MY GREAT SORROW.

Claudius: Baby, would you like to kill the dude who did all this?

Laertes: Oh, YES, PLEASE.

Claudius: Okay. It's Hamlet. But he's in England getting killed. Nevertheless, you can still kill him.

Laertes: ...I can.

Claudius: Yep!

SCENE CHANGE.

Horatio: *is hanging out inna fancy gaming hall*

Thugs: *sidle in* Hey. Psst. Are you Horatio?

Horatio: ...Um, yes.

Thugs: We have sekrit letters for you. PAY US FIRST.

Horatio: O_O WTF IS THIS?

Thugs: :D

Horatio: *pays* ZOMG. ZOMG. LETTERS FROM MY BOYFRIEND LOST AT SEA. ...I mean. Um. I mean. Wow! Letters from Prince Hamlet! O:D

Thugs: ...

Horatio: ...So you can take me to him?

Thugs: You coming?

Horatio: ZOMG.

SCENE CHANGE.

Claudius: So, anyway, he's not coming back from England, but if he does, you can kill him.

Laertes: Awwwww, mann, that's not good enough.

Claudius: I LOVED YOUR FATHER. TEN-THOUSAND SONS COULD NOT WITH ALL THEIR QUANTITY OF LOVE--

Laertes: YOU SUCK.

Thugs: Look! Letters from Hamlet!

Laertes: *victory dance* All RIGHT. NOW WILL THERE BE MAJOR HAMLET-KILLING IN THE STATE OF DENMARK.

Claudius: Will you kill Hamlet for me?

Laertes: ...Dude, aren't you listening? That would be a OH, YES, PLEASE.

Claudius: Great. Now, we'll rig this fencing match, and have this poisoned wine...

Laertes: ...Why can't I just jump him in a dark alley?

Claudius: ...It would look like I did it.

Laertes: ...And him dropping dead after fencing me wouldn't?

Claudius: Whatever.

Laertes: Okay, then. I have this awesome poison.

Claudius: All right! This is great!

Laertes: :D I know.

Gertrude: ...Are you plotting to kill my crazy emo kid?

Claudius: O:D Of course not!

Gertrude: Oh, okay. Well, then. Ophelia's dead.

Laertes: WTF WTF WTF?

Gertrude: ...Yeah, sorry about that. She kinda fell into the stream and died.

Laertes: WTF WTF WTF!!!

Gertrude: ...But you're not plotting to kill my kid, right?

Laertes: OH, NO. OF COURSE NOT. >:(

Gertrude: Okay, just making sure.

Laertes: *SCREAMS AND HIT WALLS AND ROARS WITH VERY MANLY GRIEF*

Claudius: ...I wouldn't worry, honey. It's nothing serious.

Gertrude: ...

SCENE CHANGE.