... You have a beautiful way with words. Simply beautiful. This feels more like something that took six days than six hours. It's amazing.
I adore the construction of it, with the parenthetical memories and mother's thoughts; that took me a minute to figure out and i was going to say it was confusing, but it should be a little hard to understand immediately, i think. Also, the slow release of information is amazingly well done. At first, i thought she was a little girl, not a grown woman, and once she said she was a grown woman i only half-believed it (maybe that could be clearer?), and the other half thought that perhaps he was the leader of a cult, and had taken her for his wife and brainwashed her.
There are a few incongruities. Anna Maria sometimes remembers and it's not in parentheses, like after she gets the letter, and after she eats the ham sandwiches; but the ham-sandwiches one goes into similar parenthetical memory soon after, so you may have meant it and i'm just missing the obvious difference in the kinds of memories. In the first paragraph, you say that the place she's been for th elast three years was a grey place, but later it's very much a florid, foresty place, with greenery and vines(in her hair) and such, and even if the house was grey it doesn't really fit with her memory of it.
The bit about Mordecai's smile seems a bit out of place where it is now; I would put it somewhere after a reference to a smile, like most of the other memories follow a reference to what they're about, like the river; but memories are funny-flowing like that, so you may like to leave it there.
I think-because i watch Law and Order too often-that the police would be over-questioning her as well as Jacob despite any warnings by a psychiatrist, and there's no indication of the police questioning her at all; Mordecai's letter even refers to them possibly questioning her. It seems like something she would think about in the midst of all this.
This is a really tiny thing, but it's a bit unclear whether she was 31 when he took her, in the middle of the whole thing, or when she came back, and it relaly doesn't matter very much at all but it might be nice to know?
(is the last bit supposed to draw a parallel between Mordecai and God, because Anna refers to God as "He", and her mother was earlier thinking of That Man in capitals, even as a He?)
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Date: 2007-02-10 08:30 pm (UTC)I adore the construction of it, with the parenthetical memories and mother's thoughts; that took me a minute to figure out and i was going to say it was confusing, but it should be a little hard to understand immediately, i think. Also, the slow release of information is amazingly well done. At first, i thought she was a little girl, not a grown woman, and once she said she was a grown woman i only half-believed it (maybe that could be clearer?), and the other half thought that perhaps he was the leader of a cult, and had taken her for his wife and brainwashed her.
There are a few incongruities. Anna Maria sometimes remembers and it's not in parentheses, like after she gets the letter, and after she eats the ham sandwiches; but the ham-sandwiches one goes into similar parenthetical memory soon after, so you may have meant it and i'm just missing the obvious difference in the kinds of memories. In the first paragraph, you say that the place she's been for th elast three years was a grey place, but later it's very much a florid, foresty place, with greenery and vines(in her hair) and such, and even if the house was grey it doesn't really fit with her memory of it.
The bit about Mordecai's smile seems a bit out of place where it is now; I would put it somewhere after a reference to a smile, like most of the other memories follow a reference to what they're about, like the river; but memories are funny-flowing like that, so you may like to leave it there.
I think-because i watch Law and Order too often-that the police would be over-questioning her as well as Jacob despite any warnings by a psychiatrist, and there's no indication of the police questioning her at all; Mordecai's letter even refers to them possibly questioning her. It seems like something she would think about in the midst of all this.
This is a really tiny thing, but it's a bit unclear whether she was 31 when he took her, in the middle of the whole thing, or when she came back, and it relaly doesn't matter very much at all but it might be nice to know?
(is the last bit supposed to draw a parallel between Mordecai and God, because Anna refers to God as "He", and her mother was earlier thinking of That Man in capitals, even as a He?)