"With Eyes That Looked Like Ice on Fire, the Human Heart a Captive in the Snow..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

All of a sudden, I am very very sad.

If I wasn't on a diet and a sleeping schedule, I would lock myself in my room with a comfort book and a handful of mint cups and tortilla chips. But of course I can't lock my door, either, because Waen broke the lock.

I hate change.

I don't like it when people change, or when people go away, or when things change. I miss my friends.

Our dog is old now. I didn't even realise it. He has arthritis and can't run as fast as he used to. He was my Christmas gift about seven years ago; someone found him on the street and left him with my veterinarian aunt, who gave him to me because what I wanted most in the world was either a golden retriever or a border collie, and he's a mix of both. And now he's old. He'll die before I'm gone, I think. Before I go to college. I think about that a lot.

Things outside of my protected little world are changing, too. I won't be able to not notice things anymore. Bush has ruined a lot of things, and now everything's changed. And I can't be innocent and make it through everything, and anyway everyone's trying to stop my being innocent. I won't be able to get away with it soon. I can't not know about things, even things I don't want to know about. I have to do my schoolwork now as though something were going to come out of it, because college is coming. I'm going to have to get a job. I can't stay the way I am.

And I wish people didn't change. Our pastor of thirty years is moving away. We'll have someone else. Someone else who won't know to whisper the acolyte instructions to me during the service.

My friends are changing. Nothing is the way it was last year. I'm lonely for things that will stay the same, or people who will aways be there. Even Mum and Da' won't always be there. Da' is nearly sixty-four. A lot of people die at sixty-four.

Change scares me. Everything scares me. I don't want to have to leave my pretty fantasy world where I can write what I want because it's not my means of support.

But mostly I wish my friends didn't change. All I've learned about relationships this year is that they change people, and they make happy people not happy any longer. I want everyone in the world to be happy. I don't know how I can do it, but it's what I want to do.

And I'm sad. And I'm scared. But unfortunately, there's not a whole lot I can do about it.

Comments

[talissarocsham.livejournal.com]

*huggles* Don't let change defeat you, Kou-chan. I know it's hard. I know it hurts. But I know also that there is beauty in every change. Be strong, dear one.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you. Very much.

[mmebahorel.livejournal.com]

*hugs the Soujin*

(tried to post before and LJ wouldn't let me. Or my connection is screwed up again. Hard to tell.)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*hugsback*

(that's computers for you...)

[mhari.livejournal.com]

*snuggles* I'm sorry.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It's okay. Thanks.

[tatteredsparrow.livejournal.com]

Aw... *hugs* Change can be good, too. I know this is going to sound terrible, but most everything has a positive side as well.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*hugsback* I know. I'm just bad at accepting it. :) Thanks.

[proseprincess19.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I agree, change sucks and is horribly stressful. But it's good, too; and in a few years or months or weeks it will pass, and whatever new thing has come along will seem like the way it's always been. Just think of when you were learning how to write, and how hard it was, but now it's something you do every day. And you do it rather nicely, too. I'm sure you know the old saying, 'Time heals all wounds'. I think it applies.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

The way things are changing, I don't think I'll ultimately like them, but I'll live with them. There's little else to be done.

[proseprincess19.livejournal.com]

*shrugs* That works, too. If talking will help, I'll be here, assuming of course you want to talk to me.

[memise.livejournal.com]

You know what? You're wonderful because you've put into words something that I've been trying to put into words for months without making it sound all wrong. You're wonderful for many other reasons too, but for now this is what I'm thinking of.

Relationships do change people. My relationships are all going awry. I cry sometimes because my friends are so different and they're not as innocent and free as they used to be. They don't appear to want to be innocent and free anymore, but I still want to be, and they're putting an end to that. I'm changing too, and I can't help it. I don't want to change. I don't want them to change. It was perfect before, and now everything is different.

"There's no use crying over spilt milk," they say, and it's true. But sometimes I wake up and expect my friends to be sweet and innocent like they used to be, happy and carefree... but I see them and they're different and it scares me. They seem happy one day, and I think that to keep them happy and to keep myself happy, all I need to do is be happy... but then I'm happy and they're violent and bitter and...

I'm not sure.

I should be comforting you, but I don't know how to give it. I'm sorry.

It feels like I've gained something, or something has changed, because you've said something that sounds exactly the way I feel. I wonder what.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

You've just put into words exactly how I feel. *hugs* When people who used to be happy all the time suddenly get all serious or quiet or angry or unhappy--it scares me. I wish they'd have been able to stay happy.

You've made me feel better anyway. I like how you understand things. And I have missed you. *hugsmore*