"This is Your Golden Opportunity..."

Yesterday Soujin was extremely angry, and she made a very frustrated post about her therapist, and she would like to apologise to her therapist, even though her therapist will not be reading her livejournal, or anything like that. But. You know.

It's just that I think the root of my eating disorder is not an unresolved trauma; I think it's my perfectionism. I think that it would be lots more beneficial to try to make me less a creature of habit and less self-exacting and less demanding of myself, and to spend less time worrying about some event that happened last year that might have screwed me up in the head. And I will tell her that, next time I see her. I will.

That's all. I will stop being stupid about this.

I ate a little more to-day, and Mum was pleased with me.

Gail says that my tremors and my headaches are due to the fact that I not only have low blood pressure, but I also have low blood sugar. Not dangerously low or anything like that, but low enough to be causing me problems. She wants me to eat twenty-two hundred calories a day, and I don't want to. I mean. I used to be eating eight-hundred a day. It's a dramatic step for me already to be up to fifteen hundred, and it's very, very hard to eat without feeling disgusting or as though I'm overeating or as though--well, things. It's really hard. And to go up another seven-hundred calories is doubling it again, and I don't think I can. I just want to go slowly.

And, you know, for the last two years, my whole goal and point in life was losing weight. Now she's saying that losing weight is bad, and I've got to stop, and that hurts my head (and it makes me not want to trust her at all. I am convinced, irrationally, that she has some evil agenda).

So things are just a little bit muddled right now, and I am just a little bit having trouble.

At any rate.

"That There's Someone Out There Who Feels Just Like Me..."

Hello. Hello.

I like putting my hair up. I haven't done that in a long time. It's hard for me to do things with my appearance. Like, like, how when I was much younger a lady told me I looked much prettier with earrings on, and now it is truly impossible for me to feel pretty without earrings. I don't think they probably even make any difference to any body who sees me, but I can't look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty at all unless I'm wearing them.

And, along those lines, for some reason I feel as though I look awful with my hair up. I enjoy putting it up, but I don't have confidence in my appearance any more. But I had it up to-day, and I went out in public, and went to work, and I didn't feel dreadful. That was nice. I like it when suddenly things like that are all right and I can do it.

It always makes me feel braver.

To-morrow I have nothing to do but schoolwork; no doctor's appointments or anything; so I'm going to clear out my inbox and get rid of my backlog and read for hours and write all the letters I haven't had time to write, and burn all the CDs I haven't had time to copy, and it will be a perfect day.

Also I have Prometheus Bound, and I am going to read it.

I'm falling asleep in my chair right now (I have been all day), so I think I will go to bed right now, or very, very shortly hereafter. Because guh. So tired.

(I can even sleep in until eight-thirty to-morrow! so exciting...!)

(I am writing poems to-day)