![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I cannot really say whether to-day went well or badly.
I can say that I need to make a cake to-morrow, and that I promised to go to work, and that Karen was in a terrible car accident and is in ICU (if anyone wouldn't mind adding her to their prayers, that would be so wonderful), and that I truly do not know what is going on--really at all.
I can say that Mum told me to-day that she's afraid she raised me 'without good bones--no, the word I want is thoughtful. You and your sister never think about other people. Well, no, you think about other people--you never think about me. Neither of you ever does anything nice for me, and it seems like I'm always doing so much for you'. And she's laughing right now and dancing in the kitchen while she makes cookies with Waen--Waen doesn't have to think about the guilt that comes with this, but I do, and it's going to last for a least a week, and I'm going to try so hard, and she's going to be angry because I'm doing it because she 'reminded me'. >__< And I feel like this is such a typical teenager behaviour on my part. I'm complaining about my mother, for heaven's sake. She's a wonderful mother, and one of the sweetest, most beautiful ladies I know, and some how I'm not doing enough, and I'm glad she alerted me so I can try to correct it but she hasn't spoken much to me to-day, and when I kiss her she gives me a very flat 'don't try that' look, even though I'm not trying, I'm truly not--
Family-wise, to-day I do not win in the slightest. At the library, on the other hand, I managed four hours of rainy-day after-school shelving, and felt like a whirlwind set free, like I was accomplishing things. I was good for patron reference, got all my shelving done while juggling check-outs and check-ins, dropped an entire case of DVDs and put them all back in order, and handled my patrons really well--I think really well. I managed to drag things out of the recesses of my mind specifically for the people I was serving, and I thought, look, Soujin's a real librarian--look what Soujin's accomplishing. I'm learning this from Mary-Jane, I'm learning what to say, how to treat regulars, details that will make patrons feel their interests are being noticed--good things.
So I keep changing between feeling strong and wonderful, and feeling like a very bad child (I've always struggled with feeling like the disappointing child, between Waen and I, for what it's worth--this is so ad misericordum, though, the logic book would hate me). And I'll never get to bed to-night without being drugged, unfortunately.
I can say that I need to make a cake to-morrow, and that I promised to go to work, and that Karen was in a terrible car accident and is in ICU (if anyone wouldn't mind adding her to their prayers, that would be so wonderful), and that I truly do not know what is going on--really at all.
I can say that Mum told me to-day that she's afraid she raised me 'without good bones--no, the word I want is thoughtful. You and your sister never think about other people. Well, no, you think about other people--you never think about me. Neither of you ever does anything nice for me, and it seems like I'm always doing so much for you'. And she's laughing right now and dancing in the kitchen while she makes cookies with Waen--Waen doesn't have to think about the guilt that comes with this, but I do, and it's going to last for a least a week, and I'm going to try so hard, and she's going to be angry because I'm doing it because she 'reminded me'. >__< And I feel like this is such a typical teenager behaviour on my part. I'm complaining about my mother, for heaven's sake. She's a wonderful mother, and one of the sweetest, most beautiful ladies I know, and some how I'm not doing enough, and I'm glad she alerted me so I can try to correct it but she hasn't spoken much to me to-day, and when I kiss her she gives me a very flat 'don't try that' look, even though I'm not trying, I'm truly not--
Family-wise, to-day I do not win in the slightest. At the library, on the other hand, I managed four hours of rainy-day after-school shelving, and felt like a whirlwind set free, like I was accomplishing things. I was good for patron reference, got all my shelving done while juggling check-outs and check-ins, dropped an entire case of DVDs and put them all back in order, and handled my patrons really well--I think really well. I managed to drag things out of the recesses of my mind specifically for the people I was serving, and I thought, look, Soujin's a real librarian--look what Soujin's accomplishing. I'm learning this from Mary-Jane, I'm learning what to say, how to treat regulars, details that will make patrons feel their interests are being noticed--good things.
So I keep changing between feeling strong and wonderful, and feeling like a very bad child (I've always struggled with feeling like the disappointing child, between Waen and I, for what it's worth--this is so ad misericordum, though, the logic book would hate me). And I'll never get to bed to-night without being drugged, unfortunately.
