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"You Seem Very Beautiful To Me..."
Feb. 12th, 2007 06:28 pmI've spent most of to-day on the verge of crying, with no discernible cause. I mean--really, none. But I still feel deeply sad, and unstable inside.
I gave out sixty-eight Valentines to-day at work. To all of my people--that's fifty-six in all--and to all the personnel I could find for the rest of them. People said thank you. A couple of people folded them up. I wasn't sad, at least not about that. People forget them all over the place, and I don't mind. It's something that I think I would mind.
Whereas something that doesn't make sense at all makes me so sad. I feel like I've been this way persistently since before Christmas. Are my anti-depressants not strong enough? Is it normal teen angst? Is there something wrong with me? &c. I just want to hide, and be an unperson, and yet it's so important right now that I not. I can feel myself losing things by not keeping a tight enough hold. And the thing I'm most scared of in the world is a secret that's not a secret, and I feel that happening, and I see that it's my fault, and I'm really not pretty enough to wear the dress I'm going to wear to the winter formal, and I wish I had someone to go with me, but all that's not really the reason.
I just feel as though I've tried everything. I've tried restricting, I've tried eating comfort foods, I've tried eating normally; and sleeping enough and sleeping too little and sleeping until three o'clock just to block things out; and exercising and not exercising and working hard and not working at all and watching important films and watching silly films and reading bits out of the bible and praying for guidance and writing and not writing and reading and not reading and being honest with my therapist and keeping things to myself, and talking to Mum and playing with the dog and loving my kitty and biting my fingernails and keeping them whole and self-injuring and leaving myself alone and dressing pretty and dressing down and dying my hair auburn and cutting my bangs and changing my jewellery and buying new socks and giving more to other people and giving more to myself and buying presents for other people I love, and listening to beautiful music and listening to upbeat music and reading classics and reading pointless books and reading picture books, and drinking less diet cola and visiting the doctor less and more.
And all these things change little outward things, but nothing makes me any less sad.
What does it mean?
I gave out sixty-eight Valentines to-day at work. To all of my people--that's fifty-six in all--and to all the personnel I could find for the rest of them. People said thank you. A couple of people folded them up. I wasn't sad, at least not about that. People forget them all over the place, and I don't mind. It's something that I think I would mind.
Whereas something that doesn't make sense at all makes me so sad. I feel like I've been this way persistently since before Christmas. Are my anti-depressants not strong enough? Is it normal teen angst? Is there something wrong with me? &c. I just want to hide, and be an unperson, and yet it's so important right now that I not. I can feel myself losing things by not keeping a tight enough hold. And the thing I'm most scared of in the world is a secret that's not a secret, and I feel that happening, and I see that it's my fault, and I'm really not pretty enough to wear the dress I'm going to wear to the winter formal, and I wish I had someone to go with me, but all that's not really the reason.
I just feel as though I've tried everything. I've tried restricting, I've tried eating comfort foods, I've tried eating normally; and sleeping enough and sleeping too little and sleeping until three o'clock just to block things out; and exercising and not exercising and working hard and not working at all and watching important films and watching silly films and reading bits out of the bible and praying for guidance and writing and not writing and reading and not reading and being honest with my therapist and keeping things to myself, and talking to Mum and playing with the dog and loving my kitty and biting my fingernails and keeping them whole and self-injuring and leaving myself alone and dressing pretty and dressing down and dying my hair auburn and cutting my bangs and changing my jewellery and buying new socks and giving more to other people and giving more to myself and buying presents for other people I love, and listening to beautiful music and listening to upbeat music and reading classics and reading pointless books and reading picture books, and drinking less diet cola and visiting the doctor less and more.
And all these things change little outward things, but nothing makes me any less sad.
What does it mean?
