"You Seem Very Beautiful To Me..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I've spent most of to-day on the verge of crying, with no discernible cause. I mean--really, none. But I still feel deeply sad, and unstable inside.

I gave out sixty-eight Valentines to-day at work. To all of my people--that's fifty-six in all--and to all the personnel I could find for the rest of them. People said thank you. A couple of people folded them up. I wasn't sad, at least not about that. People forget them all over the place, and I don't mind. It's something that I think I would mind.

Whereas something that doesn't make sense at all makes me so sad. I feel like I've been this way persistently since before Christmas. Are my anti-depressants not strong enough? Is it normal teen angst? Is there something wrong with me? &c. I just want to hide, and be an unperson, and yet it's so important right now that I not. I can feel myself losing things by not keeping a tight enough hold. And the thing I'm most scared of in the world is a secret that's not a secret, and I feel that happening, and I see that it's my fault, and I'm really not pretty enough to wear the dress I'm going to wear to the winter formal, and I wish I had someone to go with me, but all that's not really the reason.

I just feel as though I've tried everything. I've tried restricting, I've tried eating comfort foods, I've tried eating normally; and sleeping enough and sleeping too little and sleeping until three o'clock just to block things out; and exercising and not exercising and working hard and not working at all and watching important films and watching silly films and reading bits out of the bible and praying for guidance and writing and not writing and reading and not reading and being honest with my therapist and keeping things to myself, and talking to Mum and playing with the dog and loving my kitty and biting my fingernails and keeping them whole and self-injuring and leaving myself alone and dressing pretty and dressing down and dying my hair auburn and cutting my bangs and changing my jewellery and buying new socks and giving more to other people and giving more to myself and buying presents for other people I love, and listening to beautiful music and listening to upbeat music and reading classics and reading pointless books and reading picture books, and drinking less diet cola and visiting the doctor less and more.

And all these things change little outward things, but nothing makes me any less sad.

What does it mean?

Comments

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Maybe consistency would make you happy?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

What are you suggesting?

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Perhaps that you should stop trying lots of different things, but instead think long and hard about what you feel would be healthiest, and stick with it until it's habit? Because if you try something (anything) and then switch tactics too soon, I can't see it working long-term--

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to try--

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Shhh, that's the hard part. Think about what you really feel is healthiest for you, lady. Ask advice, and consider the things that make you happy, and consider most of all what sort of life is sustainable for you (financially, socially, etc.)--then, decide. *snuggles*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Yes, miss.

[erinpuff]

**hugs tight** I don't know what it means either. But I love you like whoa.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I love you, too. *clings*

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

*holds* I don't know what it means... But maybe it's something inside that you need to change?

You're wonderful, Soujin. Even when it's darkest, try to remember that? I love you.

(It could very well be normal teen angst, but that doesn't mean it's something you should just ignore.)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I don't know. Something inside of me?

Thank you so much. I love you, too.

(Mum thinks maybe it's my anti-depressants. She says it started about the time I switched from fluoxetine to lexapro.)

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

Maybe? I... hope you figure it out soon.

You're welcome, dear. *hug*

(That could very well be it... How long ago was that?)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much.

*hugsbackandleanson*

(At the beginning of December, I think.)

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

I am only concerned for you, love.

*cheekkissesandholds*

(will you readjust...?)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

You are a wondrous gentleman, sir.

*cuddlesupclose*

(I don't know. I'm scared of the man who does my meds--it's been ages since I saw him last.)

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

Only for magnificent ladies, my dear.

*petsandsnuggles*

(I rather hope you shall readjust or rechange the meds...! Why are you scared of him...?)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Oh, sir. You're too kind.

*curlsupagainst*

(I know. Um. He flails at me when I suggest that things aren't quite right. Like when I had to change my sleep meds, because they were giving me horrible nightmares? And he went *FLAIL* ARE YOU SURE? and I went no? maybe? and we changed the meds but it was scary and I don't like seeing him--!)

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

Not at all.

*holds*

(oh ;__; That's horrible! Doctorpharmacisttypepeople should be more understanding than that. i'm sorry ;_;)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

(No, don't be sorry! It just makes me very nervous of him. *loves*)

[bewareofitalics]

*hugs* Love you, and I wish I could help.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

That helps. *holdsto*

[bewareofitalics]

*snuggles* There is a present for you in my latest post, if that would help, too...?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

My latke song?

[bewareofitalics]

Precisely. :)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I love iiiiiiit. ^____^

[bewareofitalics]

*beams* Someday I hope to find you the other latke song, though I don't know if it'll be able to measure up.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Hee!

[bewareofitalics]

...mission accomplished!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

:D :D :D