"This is the Age of Miracles and Wonder..."

Ohhh, my lord. I just finished watching 3:10 to Yuma--the old one, not the new one--and wow. They could not possibly have found anyone more charismatic than Glenn Ford to play Ben Wade. OMG. The eyes! And the looks! And the little smirks, and the subtle psychology! Eeeeee. That was amazing.

Now I need to type up excerpts from the pornographic Arthurian novel I found at the library yesterday. It's hilarious. And pornographic. And Mordred/Guenever.

Which reminds me that while I was shelving romance novels a few weeks ago I found one about Arthurian legend which basically went like this:

ARTHUR: You're hot!
MORGAUSE: Yes, I am! >:D
ARTHUR: My wife is sleeping with Lancelot!
MORGAUSE: Yes, she is!
ARTHUR: Snoggage?
MORGAUSE: Natch.

*they have sex*

ARTHUR: Wow, that was awesome.
MORGAUSE: Actually, I am your sister.
ARTHUR: Goddammit!
MORGAUSE: Ha ha!
ARTHUR: *mopes*
MORGAINE: I'm hot too!
ARTHUR: OMG you are! ^___^
MORGAINE: Also I love you.
ARTHUR: Can we do the sex?
MORGAINE: Sure! I'll turn us into clouds while we do it!

*they have sex. cloudy sex*

ARTHUR: I love you!
MORGAINE: I love you too!
ARTHUR: And you're not my sister!
SOUJIN: I THINK YOU NEED TO REREAD YOUR PYLE THERE, MISTER.
MORDRED: Why is everyone getting laid but me?

THE END

This is why I LOVE FANFIC. Especially when it's published. Now on to the porn.

"Ophelia was the Mistress to a Vegas Gambling Man..."

Ahem.

So, the plot of this pornographic novel? Nimue is Gwen's sister, and she starts basically turning into a boy. Mordred, on the verge of Camlann, having brought it about by sleeping with Gwen, has to find Merlin and ask him to fix Nimue (NOT THAT WAY); meanwhile, Gawain and Nimue are in love, despite the fact that they're thirty-some years apart. Mordred kills Gawain in the course of the book. And there is lots, and I mean LOTS, of bad squicky Mordred/Gwen porn. Also, Merlin is a pedophile. Now that we have those pertinent details out of the picture, here are some completely random, eye-searing, brain-scarring excerpts from some of the more horrifying parts of the book. And I'm leaving out the part where Mordred and Gwen have sex on a floor of human teeth.

And the part where Nimue pulls the tail off her cat, leading to True Love between her and Gawain. Nobody wants to read that, right? Right.

( onward to the derangement! )

Aaaaaand I don't think I can manage any more than that. Especially because nobody wants to read the part where Merlin turns Nimue back into a girl by cutting off her genitals in gruesome detail, and I can't bear to read it twice. Wasn't that... special?

*goes to wash self. thoroughly*