"She's the Girl that All the Kids Know..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

Things I am not:

Obsessive-compulsive
As nice as you think I am
As bad as I say I am
As pathetic as I pretend to be
As shy as I pretend to be
As messed up as I pretend to be
As self-hating as I make out

Things I am:

Capable
Not prone to panic
Too self-aware
Practical
Able to sum things up and understand a bad situation perfectly without doing anything to correct it
Good with older people
Bad with my peers in person sheerly on my account. My peers are not bad with me.
Smart
Useful
Prone to talk too much

Things that actually are problems:

I have a crippling lack of self-esteem
I think too much about myself

Things that are embellishments made up because of these problems:

Everything else I say that sounds bad (i.e. OCD, shyness, paranoia, guilt complex)

What 'crisis' really means:

I'm too tired to deal with the problem
(or)
The problem has become overwhelming
(or)
The problem has resulted in a spate of attention-whoring so great that I need to make cryptic scary posts and then disappear off the internets

Things that I know quite well (when I'm not angsting):

I am pretty (sometimes)
I am nice (most of the time)
I can write (but people can write better)
I love people (I don't show it in enough concrete ways [gifts, stories, something besides 'I love you'])
People love me (but I have trouble understanding why--but I don't--but I have trouble believing why)
I lie (but it's true)
I do have a deep-rooted desire to please people; I happen to share it with my mother (and I never do anything right! *angst angst angst*)
I do have a very strong work ethic; I happen to share it with my father (but I never do any work! *angst angst angst*
I am overweight, not fat. We might even go so far as to call it 'plump' rather than anything else. (No! I'm fat! And ugly! *angst angst angst*)

What I need to learn:

To believe and feel the things out of parentheses more often than the things inside.

What I have learned:

That I've gone a bit too far
When one writes cryptic scary posts and people as a result telephone to make sure one is all right one has gone too far
How not to talk too much
How to have a conversation I don't monopolise (I have a little trouble exercising this yet, but I know how, which is important)
That when I was little, bad things happened, but they are not worse than many bad things that happened to other people. In this, I feel a good deal like Theo in Westmark, when Florian tells him that what happened to him was bad, but he's seen much worse, and Theo realises this is true. I have realised this is true, too, in my case.
I can be stupid as hell. I can also be lovely.

What everything stems from, when you get down to it:

My crippling lack of self-esteem

What I talked about with Mum to-day:

Thinking of myself less
Doing more but
Doing less
Loving the world too much to worry about hating myself
What I see in the people I love that makes me love them
That the item for the above sub-heading is one that is not simply going to go away
How sad it is to lose a child who has almost grown up

What is going to happen to me:

I am going to have a therapist.

This:

Will be good. It will not perhaps be easy, but
Will help even if, like weight loss, it
Takes a while

Finally:

I apologise to everyone, very deeply. It is an apology that is very necessary. I am not angry with myself. I am not making this apology for any reason except that I have been unfair.
In a way that people have been unfair to me in the past, and I know
That it is a bad way to treat people
Particularly people one loves
I know that, and I'm very sorry.
And now I won't make a post like this again.
But I might mention the therapist.

Most importantly:

I love all of you very, very much.

That's enough for to-night.

Comments

[theatre-angel.livejournal.com]

Oh, darling. I love you, I really do.

The therapist will help, I'm sure of it. And you know that, no matter what happens, you will have every single one of us here to smother you with unending love.

*hugs*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*snugs* Thank you. I love you, too, a great, great deal.

I think so, too. Actually, I think this has been needing to happen for a long time. And thank you, thank you very much.

p.s. I sent your CDs to-day. Because I just apparently rock like that. ^_^

[erinpuff]

I'm glad you made this post, and I totally forgive you for scaring us. *clings*

What I need to learn:

To believe and feel the things out of parentheses more often than the things inside.

I'm working on the same thing. My in-and-out-of-parentheses are somewhat different, but it's the same idea.

I have a therapist, which I think I told you. It started out about my fear of driving, but it's gotten to be about everything, except for some things which I won't talk about. It's wonderful to have someone to help me figure myself out, and it's difficult to do all the things she says, and I spent way too much of my appointment the other week crying because it was easier to do that than say something nice about myself. I've only got two weeks left (and the counselors at school are sort of eaugh, so I won't be going to them), and that's not enough time to do much (like you said, it's the sort of thing that takes a while), but it's been enlightening.

(Oh dear, I just rambled about myself in your journal. Apologies.)

I love you too.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*hugs and loveson* I'm sorry.

My in-and-out-of-parentheses are somewhat different, but it's the same idea.

I think everybody has parentheses. Some people are just better at ignoring them or hiding them. ^^

I am so glad that--damn, I will find a way to say this and not have it come out trite, just give me a moment--oh, forget it. I'm glad that your therapist is good for you. I'm glad that she helps. And--damn it, I don't like you to be unhappy, so I like it when things are good for you, and I don't really think I can say this without being trite, so I may stop here.

... *hugs very tight* I love you.

(Oh dear, I just rambled about myself in your journal. Apologies.)

I seriously have never and never will have a problem with this, my dear Erin. Ramble to your heart's content. I like to listen.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie. *hugs tightly* I'm glad you've got that much sorted out.

Therapist = good, providing she's a good one -- and mind you, not all of them are. You will be able to tell: if she makes you feel as though feeling better, and doing better, are possible even if hard, then she's good. If she has a sense of humor, it's a good sign.

*lovesyou*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*hugsback* I--I really am, too. It's a relief to have admitted, to myself and in general, what's real and what's just made up. It gets so tangly after a while.

*nods* Mum said that, too--that it might take a while to find one I will be able to talk to and work with (because therapists are like horses, apparently, and one has to match properly; it doesn't mean she's bad or you're bad if you don't match, it's just that you simply don't match, so you go on looking. that's how it is with horses).

Item one: Sense of humour. ^_^ *writes it down*

*lovesyoutoo, so much*

[mmebahorel.livejournal.com]

This is going to be no help at all, but I'm saying it anyway.

When I was your age, I had no self esteem. I didn't really have friends. I went to public school my entire life, and everything that ever happened after about fourth grade happened behind my back, so I could ignore it. I assumed I was unattractive, weird, obsessive, and a total dork. High school was both better and worse than middle school - there were more activities, I sort of managed to have a few friends, but except for two coincidences, I haven't seen anyone since I graduated. The first coincidence was jury duty two years ago, we went to lunch, then split up, and didn't bother to get together again. The second was actually out here, didn't bother to exchange contact info. I learned in my senior year, a couple weeks before graduation, that some bitches had been spreading nasty rumours (which didn't surprise me in the least) and trying to keep a boy who had moved into the district from becoming friends with me. Didn't work, but only because he joined the speech team and thus got to know me. Had we not been in speech together, he would have believed them. Life sucks.

However, one grows up. And one gets away from the past. Thank god for uni. I didn't know anyone. I had a chance to start over. I already had friends on the internet. I met some in person. Then I met some more. I started doing things on my own. And most importantly, with me, I started stage dooring. And what did I learn? I am not inherently repellant. I can actually be *gasp* marginally good-looking (admittedly, a good haircut and clothes that actually fit helped immensely). I'm still shy, I still panic, but I can meet complete strangers and manage not to assume they hate me (but I often still think actors must either just be putting up with me or find me amusing in ways I hope they don't). It is possible to grow self esteem. Sometimes a person just has to grow up and get out.

I will always be paranoid. I will always be overly analytical. But doesn't mean I hate myself the way I used to. And I've never seen a shrink in my life. Growing up can be a very painful thing - but we can choose ways to minimise the scars. (and now I should really call back the guy who wants to go out with me, even though he's totally not my type)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Well--it's just that I should have grown up and gotten away from this by now. I left public school after the fourth grade, because I was so screwed up that I was making myself sick in order not to have to deal with school and the people there (or so I'm told; for some reason, I have completely blanked out everything about being in school and really couldn't tell you anything about it): it's been six years, which I've spent with wonderful people, during which I've made wonderful friends who have done everything imaginable to show me that I'm a good person. And the self-hatred has actually only begun since April. I used just to have low self-esteem. Now I actually loathe myself, and I think that's a point too far.

Calling them shrinks does make it sound terribly as though there's something horribly wrong with oneself if one actually caves and gets to the horrifyingly shameful point where one wants to see one. I believe it will help.

[mmebahorel.livejournal.com]

Must be something in the air, then - I wanted a shrink in April, when I was thinking about death on a daily basis. I couldn't afford one, so I did the only other thing I could do to fix it, which was quit my job. And being poor really sucks.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Plump! Me too!

Yay for therapy!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Love's the wrong word. I adore you, actually.

I have high hopes. ^_^

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

we have something in common -- i'm all the same things you're not. i'm not sure if that counts as something in common. but my only therapists are my stuffed animals, they can tell you all about it.

but. people telephone to be sure you're all right because they care about you, dear, that's all -- it's nothing to be sorry for. the only reason i didn't is because i'm a coward. and, one of the reasons i like reading your posts, is because i like hearing you talk about yourself, so i shouldn't be sorry for that, either.

but i am glad you've figured out so much for yourself, and were able to put it all down like that. i don't think there's such a thing as too self-aware, because right now, your self-awareness is amazing.

and, well, that's it, i suppose.

randomnote, re: little!n.'s letter ... eee, tigers.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I find that hard to believe, incidentally. Which is why I don't. Cheers.

No, but there's a point where it's just--as I said, it's me attention-whoring to a degree that's only a little short of emotionally manipulative, particularly when there isn't anything really wrong*. On the other hand, I would honestly love it so much if you did some time. No pressure, of course.

Do you really? *laughs* That's--that's different. Thank you. ^_^

Well, some of it I've already known. I'm good at understanding what's wrong with a situation without correcting it, as I said. Too self-aware is when one gets to the point where one thinks everybody is looking at one and thinking about one even though it's incredibly unlikely that they are, and as a result ends up noticing everyone one does and becoming horribly self-conscious and unable to--well, I'm at the point where I correct my sentence structure out loud. If I split an infinitive, use a dependent clause as an independent clause, misuse 'they' and 'he and she', or simply fail to use the right word, I'll correct myself as though I were correcting a story, along with adding an explanation of what I've done wrong. That's too self-aware.

I'm sorry. I got rambly at you. >_<

re: little!n's letter: ^_____^ Waen helped him. I couldn't draw what he meant properly.

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

well, i meant to say i'm not all the same things you're not, but it could go either way and now i've confused myself. cheers. *passes out the soft drinks*

i'm going to trust you on that -- i'm not sure what emotional manipulation is, and that, i think, is why i'm very bad at keeping friends ... and phones are so scary. perhaps i should phone you on friday, after i've mailed ros's letter. or perhaps i should crawl under my bed and hide from the world. there are some very interesting things under there, you know. ros is sending some of them.

different? i thought the point of a personal journal was to talk about yourself, and the point of reading a journal was to care. or maybe you're just special. or both. *picks a daisy for you*

i suppose there's all sorts of subtle semantic difference between 'self-aware' and 'self-conscious' or even 'self-absorbed.' another of those nuances in the human condition i don't quite understand. and now i shall blush and turn to the bed again, for i have the very same habit of self-correction, but i will also smile understandingly, because you are right, and i will hug you. i have a very clear path in my head, you see.

but first i will tell you ramble away, sweet, any time you like.

oh, that's good, though. ^_^ little!n. kills me, you know. a good sort of killing, like how little kids kill holden caulfield, but ... less with the angst and self-denial. you know.

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

and perhaps i should have said 'hide under the bed again' rather than 'turn to' because the last one makes me sound suspiciously like a romance novel heroine on her wedding night. i don't know why.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Do you have diet DP? *brings cherries and martini glasses, because nothing, we have learnt, is better soft drinks in martini glasses with cherries. my, yes*

*sighs* I do, but only because people've done it to me. And it's awful, and it's something I always promised myself I'd never do to anybody. So--yes. But I sincerely doubt you engage in the practise thereof. *pounce* You could telephone me to-day, too. It's just that time zones are so silly and difficult to work out. But I shan't be home to-morrow until six o'clock.

Ooh, Ros is sending under-the-bed things! Ooooh!

It's not to obsess about oneself, though, and become utterly self-focused and unpleasant. *twirls daisy*

No, no. Now I feel awful. ^^;;; I don't mean to imply that you don't--well. You know. I'm trying not to be a pretentious bitch who can make even my own issues, when I'm being perfectly honest about them, into a complicated mess. I don't think I'm succeeding as of now.

Thank you terribly for the invitation.

^_^ Oh, all right. Oh, good. Yes. ^^ Little!N. is just very... himself.

[bewareofitalics]

*hugs and sends over some of Peter Pan's self-esteem, as he has more than is healthy* Good luck with the therapist. I hope you find a good one. (Random therapist thing: my parents have a friend who is a therapist. Said friend also gets a psychic to talk to her cats.)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

Thank you so much. *hugs* (OT... er. Bweee OT3 icon! ^______^)

(*laughs!* I like this person already. Pity so far away.)

[bewareofitalics]

(*looks at clock* *calculates time difference* Sleep, you!)

You're welcome so much! *hugs back* (Aren't they lovely?)

(She also lives in a little neighborhood that has been affectionately nicknamed "La-la Land," due to the cute, colorful designs on all the houses. *g*)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

(*sighs* I'm very bad at that part)

*hug!* (Most wonderful)

(Eeeeeee.)

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

*hugclings* I'm in awe, I suppose I should say. I'm in awe, it seems, because most people are not so self-aware and would not be so enough to make a post such as this.

And I'm glad, my dear. I'm glad that things may be looking up and I am hoping so much that they are. That sounds rather silly [and trite? oops], I suspect, but it is true. And please know that I would do whatever I can for you, at any time, as much or as little as you need, even if that is just writing you a letter, or phoning, or giving you someone to phone [you can always, did you know that? do you have my number?].

Talk about yourself as much as you'd like. This is your journal, and everyone who reads it reads it for you.

*hugs and cuddles so much* I love you. So, so much. That's the only reason I worry, and really, that's the best reason to do so.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Don't be in awe of that. There are better things I've done than evaluate myself.

I think they will be. In any event it was good to untangle. I believe that will help (no, no, it doesn't). I know that--that's one of the many reasons I am amazed by how good you are, and how lucky I am. I am so--I'll hate myself for this one in the morning, but damn it, I'm blessed, and there you are (actually, I don't have your number, and I awfully wish I did).

*laughs* But I must think less about myself. I know I can; I just don't. Ah, wll.

*hugs again* And I love you, too. Thank you. Thank you very much.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

Well, then, my dear, I take that back. Not the 'awe' bit, but the rest. [Though I believe you're wrong, to some degree. You should feel about about having made this post and taking steps to make yourself feel better about... everything. *hugs* ...I fear that came out wrong.] I am in awe of you, however, and don't think for a moment that I am not.

They will, of course, no doubt, but I am hoping that things look up as quickly as possible. I love you too much to think of you as anything but smiling. *littlesmile* Really, it's nothing. Or, to say, it's not nothing, but it's... it's simply what I must do. If you're lucky, and if you're blessed, than I am moreso. [Honestly, it's so odd to imagine that if I had not taken up Hamlet, or if I had not stalked you saw you comment in Nanni's journal and commented, this would all be different. I'm glad I did, on both counts. So glad.] And oh! Next time we speak on IM, I shall give it to you. My parents are a little strange on telephones, especially when people phone for me, but no matter. Also-- in three weeks, when I move again, I will make sure to post my new address and number.

*smiles* Well, that's all right, then. Just don't think less about Soujin, for then we shall hear less about Soujin, and shall worry. Or maybe I am alone in this. At any rate, yes, your journal.

*clings* You're too wonderful. You needn't thank me. You do that enough.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You are too wonderful. I thank you as often as I do because I have reason. I mean, read this comment of yours. I'm in earnest.

You're an angel, loveness. ^_^ A wonderful, nocturnal, mad, Hamlet-reading, Hamlet-munning angel. There we are. *pounces*

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

I should be thanking you. Do I do that enough?

*pounces back* You know me too well. ^-^

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*blows kiss* Perfectly.

Ahaha.

[julietveiled.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what actually happened, because apparently this post and everything happened while I was at rehearsal, sigh, but...

I'm feeling too out of it right now to do much more than say I love you, however and whatever you are, sweetness. And to shower you with art deco. Go look at my livejournal, because the URL's over there.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

It's all right. I rather think it's much better you missed it all, since it was regretfully gratuitous and significantly stupid. *wins at adjectives, ha*

*hugs* That's more than enough. I love you, too, and I hope you're all right.

[fish-bananas.livejournal.com]

You are quite simply one of the loveliest people I've ever met, and I feel so overwhelmed and undeserving when I think about you. But I do hope you like me, and do so want to believe that you do, and trust in your good judgment, so that makes me like myself a lot more. I only hope I could be a fraction of the help you've been to me.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

What's funny is that that's really the way I feel about you. You're just incredible, and I often wish I was like you (and had half your talent at writing, gar *g*).

Which is a roundabout way of saying, yes. I do like you. I like you very much, indeed. *hugs* Thank you.

[fish-bananas.livejournal.com]

Me? Talented at writing? Miss Soujin, these two concepts are alien to each other. Especially when compared with you. *tacklehug!*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

We are not even going there.

You know, I'm perfectly capable of evaluating my talents and those of other people, somewhere inside all my waffling and pretending to be silly and modest and so on. I write very well. You, however, write better. We have very different styles, but yours is masterful. I'm not going to compare/contrast, because that's annoying and starts to sound as though I'm fishing for compliments; but with perfect frankness, you have a touch that I've never seen before, and it makes your writing masterful. I approve.

Mmkay?

[fish-bananas.livejournal.com]

............ *waves everything away into a corner and tacklehugs*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Too bad. I'm serious.

*tacks a little pin onto Fish that says Smile! You've been Recced!*

[fish-bananas.livejournal.com]

^________________________^ <-- smiles.

Man, don't be so serious. Throw around insults. Be jovial. Like football players.

...No, scratch that.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^____________^!!!

Oh. Okay. I'll, um, try.

*jumps on teh Fish like a football player*

[fish-bananas.livejournal.com]

OOOOH, GOOD! THAT'S THE SPIRIT. >:D Now holler something nonsensical and flip off the world!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

FISH AND BANANAS GO GOOD IN CASSEROLE!

*long pause*

I don't know how to flip somebody off. Especially the world.

[fish-bananas.livejournal.com]

DO THEY?! HOLY CRAP, I OUGHT TO TRY THAT OUT!

...That's a very, very good thing. And in the course of answering these, I have discovered that I spam your entries with largely meaningless comments. XD

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

YES, YOU TOTALLY SHOULD, EXCEPT BE CAREFUL AND DON'T BE LIKE ROSENCRANTZ AND DON'T SET FIRE TO THE KITCHEN!!!

Nah.

[shawk.livejournal.com]

Och, I just wanted to register that I have read this although I'm a bit at a loss as to what to say. I hope that finding a good therapist will help you come to terms with what you are, what you aren't, what you can change and what you want to change. Know that there are people here who clearly care and will help you as we can.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

It's quite all right. ^^ You needn't say anything. But thank you very much--for being at a loss as to what to say, you did excellently. :) Thank you very much. *hugs*