"Oh, We Will Never Die..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I I I cannot possibly tell you how I feel--

I love the part of a dinner party where nobody's come yet and you're all dressed up and you know everything's ready, and the candles are lit and the fire's started and the table's set and everything is perfectly ready, but nobody's there, it's just you in your ready-for-peopleness, sitting in chairs and talking, feeling like you don't really belong there because the house is so meant for other people that it's not quite yours anymore.

...We're not that far yet, though, not for another hour and a bit. And I'm lounging around in jeans and one of Da's shirts, so really this is a little silly.

'Cept that I've lost four pounds this week. And if I can just be Really Awfully Good over the next two days I might be able to keep my weight down until I go to Tennessee, at least, which would be something, at least--

We're going to make gingerbread in Tennessee. Mum says I can bring her molds, and we'll buy all the things you need, and all of us, Johanna and Will and Waen and I, we'll make a gingerbread house. I've wanted to do this for years, for years and years. I never exactly had the time.

I've made four batches of chocolate truffles, and I have four batches of pecan shortbread to make and wrap before to-morrow. It's also hanging of the greens at church. Mum and I and Waen were talking about confession; Waen doesn't see why anybody would want to, but I certainly do. I've always wanted to go to confession. I still feel bad about things I said years ago, and things I did when I was back in school, even. I wouldn't mind at all being able to tell somebody.

I feel very excited about something that's going to happen, but I don't know what. But I know I can't wait, even though I don't know what I'm being so impatient about waiting for.

You know what's funny? Fortinbras makes me cry. Why is that? (she says, as if anybody would have a better idea) and actually lots of things do that aren't really sad. Or suddenly I'll realise that somebody dies, and I've never realised it before, it's a little hard to explain--it's the way I feel when I remember that so many people are dead by the end of Westmark. I'm playing Zara on DF, I wrote about her, I forget that she just isn't when it's all over. There's no more Zara. There's Florian, but no more Zara. I was doing the same thing with Hamlet the other day. I forget that at the end of the play, Ophelia's gone, Laertes, Hamlet-- especially Ros and Guil do this to me. I just forget and then I remember.

Aaaand to-day we went and bought poinsettias for Christmas, and Waen got a little crunkly red one, and Mum got a peppermint-spotted one, and I got a giant, giant red one with huge red leaves.

And that is why I don't know exactly how I feel to-day, or how to say it.

Comments

[la-lanterne.livejournal.com]

I'm quite the opposite - I love the end of dinner parties when the formality's worn off and everyone's lounging around chatting for ever.

(And Fortinbras is the most. Ludicrous. Name for a Norwegian prince. Like, ever. Except possibly Sverre Magnus. - We read Hamlet at school, I didn't much care for it, sorry. Or maybe that's because I wrote a huge and absolutely horrid essay compraing him to Gunnlaug Ormstunge. *is babbling*)

When are you leaving? Because I was stupid and thought I'd sent your card when I hadn't and then I sent it on Thursday. Sorry...? But it will come before New Year's. I think.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm nervous around people, so I like the way it is before they come. ^_~ But that's fun, too, to watch.

(...I know, I know. Shh. Shakespeare reminds me of Jules Verne sometimes in that respect. -- It's okay! My whole life just revolves around it. :P But yes. Who is Gunnlaug Ormstunge?)

Er, Wednesday or Thursday, not sure which yet. I probably won't get it until after I get home, but that's okay! ^___^ Thank youuuu so much.

[la-lanterne.livejournal.com]

I get even more nervous waiting for people. It all evens out ;-)

Gunnlaug Ormstunge is an Icelandic saga. A love story, even, and it's kind of cool once you get past the "I was taught this at school, urgh". Though Gunnlaug sounds like it should be a girl's name but it isn't, which is incredibly amusing when some people only realise that after about four chapters...

Maybe there's hope. Possibly. Despite rain and storm and glom of nit. (D'you read Pratchett?)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Yes! ^_______^ <33

Oooh. Oh, I wish I could read it. Do you think they translate it into English?

(I don't, but that still made me giggle--)

[la-lanterne.livejournal.com]

Dude, add us together and divide us by two and we could be normal (she said as though normalcy were any good).

Possibly - oh, wait, then it would be Gunnlaug Serpent-tongue or something, not Ormstunge. Or - oooh, maybe - I do have lots of time, I dunno, possibly?

(They stole letters from the Post Office sign and used it for a hairdresser's called Hugos 'cause the original sign had no apostrophes! Also there is a grocer who talk's with grocer's apostrophe's. It's called Going Postal.)

[la-lanterne.livejournal.com]

I think I found it. (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0192815288/ref=cm_lm_fullview_prod_13/102-4116636-0941739?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155) *beams*

[karla-yonit.livejournal.com]

That's what's so depressing about really good tragedies and war stories. It occurred to me about Les Mis (Frenchboys) fairly recently, and verily I was sad. There's always AU, though. :)

(Also, I sent your letter today!)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think so. I've felt that way about Les Mis, too, just not recently.

(Bweee! Oh, thank you! ^___^)

[mhari.livejournal.com]

*POUNCESNUGGLES*

Gingerbread! ^_^ I love gingerbread. I should make some too.

And I can understand what you mean, about confession. I've heard, way back in the day, you didn't even confess to a priest necessarily but just a friend or someone. The idea being that just the telling is the real blessing, not the ritual forgiveness.

Or suddenly I'll realise that somebody dies, and I've never realised it before, it's a little hard to explain--it's the way I feel when I remember that so many people are dead by the end of Westmark.

*huuuugs* Yes. It's a sort of scary thing even in fiction. (--Florian finds it hard to remember that there's no more Zara, sometimes--)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*GLOMPSADORESADORES*

^_____^ Me toooo. You definitely should. <333

*nodnod* Yes! Ohh, I didn't know that, but that would make it maybe even easier. (although maybe not) But being able to tell would be so nice, yes; I see why it's done.

It is. It's worse (for me, at any rate) in real life, too, which is why I hardly ever think about people who are dead, even when I talk about them often. (--Oh, I'm sorry--)

...Doesn't my icon look like Torrens? It makes me think of Torrens. His air.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

Eeeee! Oh, it DOES. Portrait of the Doctor as a Young Man. XD Yes. He has the face for it. No nonsense.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^___^! I know! As soon as I saw it, I was all 'OMGOMGTORRENSneedthisiconhiOMG. ^________^!!' *coughs* It really suits.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Wherever did you find it?

[fish-bananas.livejournal.com]

I really like that you bake. :D And I like when you muse -- because always, it's so right and it reminds me of so many things -- especially this, things like not being able to stay around for the end of the story. ;___;

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Do you--? When you're at Princeton, I can send you care packages--!!--sorry. --Do you? I--

--I made this icon thinking of you--

I do wonder how the story ends.

[fish-bananas.livejournal.com]

I do, I do! Even more because I can cook a little (very little) but not bake at all, and I've always been fascinated.

I -- it's very pretty, though I wonder why you would -- certainly, I enjoy pretty feet, but my legs aren't nearly that great -- that is irrelevant. I love you and thank you. (Happy endings.)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Ohhh. But it all comes together so rightly (I can't cook at all, absolutely nothing. the microwave is my best friend; I heat tins) -- you put in the same four basic things and then just add around them. ^_______^ I will! I certainly will, if you'd like!

I was thinking about beautiful things, I think, that were like only part of a painting, not the whole thing, so you didn't know exactly what they meant but they were beautiful and you wanted to know--what am I saying? I don't know-- I was thinking about you, but I'm silly.

(Oh, can we have a happy ending?)

[bewareofitalics]

How long are you gonna be in Tennessee? You'll be home before I leave for Israel (January 9), right? Right?

When I did The Crucible at ETC, the day we were leaving, my friend turned to me and said, "Oh my gosh! John dies!" It was funny, but also sad. Because he does. And so do so many other characters in so many other plays and books. At least in Fortinbras they're all sortakinda there, still.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Until the twenty-ninth, it seems. So yes! I shall.

Yes. Yes, it's like that -- but in Fortinbras they're not, that's just it! Even the people who survive Hamlet die in Fortinbras.

[bewareofitalics]

Whew!

...Marcellus and Barnardo don't! They will build a new Denmark!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^_^ Yep!

...That's not comforting, just for the record.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

That sounds a bit like-- well. I've never been to a dinner party. I am not really a dinner party sort of person. But it does sound lovely-- it sounds perhaps more lovely than the parties themselves. You're ready, everything's ready, and nothing can go wrong if nothing's happened yet-- but maybe that's pessimistic of me. But it's a bit like being dressed up, isn't it? Dressed up and in your room, before anyone can say anything, before-- before anything. I went to dances in high school and it was a bit like that. If that makes sense.

It's a bit-- I know what you mean, about Hamlet. It's why, I think, or one of the reasons why, at least, Campbell Scott!Horatio made such an impact. At the end, in the last scene, you could feel it, what he felt: that everyone was gone, and he was left. And Fortinbras is a bit odd in that they're not really gone, not exactly, but they're not there either.

Truffles and gingerbread and-- oh. I love you.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Ohh. Yes, I think it's like that. Because I've felt rather that way the few times I've gone to dances. Yes. It's the bit before.

Right. It's so sad to me.

^______^ Truffles, gingerbread--! Gingerbread. I've wanted to all my life.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

Is better than the dances, I think. Because it's all about what can happen, but not what's happened, what what's not happened-- but it's good.

It is sad. ;_____;

Gingerbread--! What sort of gingerbread?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Yes. A before place is like an inbetween place, it's just you or it's not you, it all depends, but it's usually when things are most right.

*clings*

Gingerbread gingerbread! House gingerbread, 'tually. Which is a little different from pan gingerbread, which is really soft and fluffy and wouldn't stand up.