"Across the Universe, We're Lightening..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

Mum's talking about sending me to school again. Trial month to begin with, certainly, in case it doesn't work out.

She said I take too much time taking care of people. I don't know whether that's true. Apparently, also, it's normal for people on Prozac sometimes to experience an increase of suicidal thoughts, so I don't have to write the letter that goes:

DEAR PROZAC:

If I die, you know, I can't pay your expensive bill. Please to be working the way you're supposed to.

No love,
Soujin

which is nice to know. I just need to get this sorted out with the psychiatrist and Christine.

I won a rabbit! I entered Waen's and my names in a drawing for stuffed rabbits, because I thought my people would like one if I could win it, and Waen's name was drawn. It's four inches tall and can fit in the palm of a hand. I'm thrilled. ^__^ I'll be able to give it to somebody on Monday.

Took a long hot shower to-day, and the tension in my shoulder went away, which is nice, because it's been hurting a lot. Also, I climbed the willow, the maple, the crabapple, and sort-of climbed the locust (by which I mean I did not even begin to succeed). Also I got stuck in the maple. Also I tried not to fall in the pond, and actually succeeded.

Sometimes I think I'm a horrible, callous person, and I'm not sure what I'm doing. I feel like an utter--jerk, really, and I just wish I didn't talk and say things.

And other times I feel sort of normal. I'm a small silly girl with curly hair and glasses, who sleeps in her watch and likes to go grocery shopping. I shouldn't feel the way I do, but it's a time, not a thing. I blush easy and sentimental stories sometimes make me cry and sometimes make me snark, and I like to go barefoot and I like ice cream in the summer. I wouldn't be out of place in a school, especially if I went to Harrisburg Academy, which is where Mum wants me to go.

I might learn better how to get ready for pre-med. I might learn actual social skills. I wouldn't have as much time, certainly; I wouldn't be able to work the same hours I do, I wouldn't be able to schedule things with the same freedom; but I'd have regularity, which is actually something I need very badly. I need a rhythm to life; that's something that helps me focus and keep myself sane. I might do well in school now.

But I honestly can't say.

I do wish my tremor would go away. A surgeon cannot have shaky hands, dammit. How am I meant to make good stomas? --Which I am going to do. Mum was furious and upset and couldn't stop telling me how angry she was about how all six of her patients yesterday had poor stomas, and were in horrible shape and pain. I'm going to do my best with that. I'm going to learn how, and I'm going to be someone people can go to, instead of a GS, I'll be a specialist. And then at least if they have to have stomas, the stomas won't be awful.

(See? I have a goal and a desire and no reason to die. TAKE THAT, PROZAC. If I laugh enough and get angry enough, I'll never die.)

Comments

[ladybretagne.livejournal.com]

... it's normal for people on Prozac sometimes to experience an increase of suicidal thoughts

It's relatively common, but it's normal and it's really not good, honey. You absolutely need to tell your doctor and look into getting your medication changed, because if you're having that as a side effect, it isn't working and can in fact be doing more harm than good. I don't want to worry you, really, but you can't just ignore that. *hugs*

[ladybretagne.livejournal.com]

Argh, that should say it's /not/ normal.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Well, I know, that's what Gail said. She said it's normal, but it's a bad thing, and there's nothing wrong with me; it's wrong with the Prozac. So we're going to sort it out with Dr. Conti and see what needs to happen. I don't like it, and it's bad, I know.

[ladybretagne.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Good. I know I'm a fuss budget but I worry about you, sweetheart. There's so many medications out there, it's not worth staying on one that isn't working right.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

No dying, remember? It's a rule. If you die, you can't be a pirate. --At any rate, I'm glad you talked to Gail about the prozac.

High school is-- well. It really depends, I think. But Harrisburg Academy-- it doesn't look so frightening, does it? It's small-- an average of 13 students per class, 30 students per grade level, so it's really small. It looks very selective, too, and it has a literary magazine and studio arts and 25 acres (look at me look amazed). It could be good-- it's certainly a lot more promising than, say, a public school. Would Waen try it, too?

Rabbit! ^_______^

(Also, current music, omg.)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I remember...! That's why I talked to her about it! No way Soujin misses out on piratehood.

Yes. But -- yes. It's got the small classes and Mum says it's really quite good, and, yes, not a public school (I would never go back to public school) so --and no, it'd be just me, I think. Waen's not really socially disordered, and she does better in unstructured environments.

^____^! I KNOW.

(...I love that song way too much.)

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

Good...! Because otherwise, I'd have to be a pirate al by myself, and how depressing would that be?

Huh. I think it'd be a little odd to have one of you homeschooled and one of you not, but-- but still. It could be worth a trial month. And they have Latin! And it's tiny, wtf. (The entire school population is almost half the size of my graduating class. XD)

What colour is it?

(...Me too. XD Do you want the actual Johnny Cash version?)

[mhari.livejournal.com]

Love thee. *hugs*

As I understand it, part of the reason that happens is that it lifts the depression to where you actually have the energy to contemplate suicide. I'm not sure that obtains in your case, as you weren't prescribed it for depression so much as the ED and anxiety, is right? Regardless, yes, you should talk to the docs about it. There are other things that may work better for you.

Rabbit! ^__^

You are sort of normal! :D And sort of not, but that's not entirely a bad thing, and anyway no one is completely normal. *huggles you* What you are not is callous. I think you just set yourself higher standards for kindness than a girl can realistically meet. It's that damned perfectionism again. Sometimes you are selfish, sure. Everyone is. A certain amount of selfishness is reasonable and healthy.

You will make a wonderful doctor, I think, if you can stand it. Someone I would actually trust to look after my loved ones, which is more than I can say for the renowned professionals of Boston :p

So no. No dying allowed. *snuggles* And if the Prozac does not help, then out it goes. OUT ON ITS EAR. If chemicals had ears.

I love you tremenjously. And I got your MR letter today. Hee. <3

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Love thee truly.

That's what Christine says. And--really, I was prescribed it for depression at the time. Because when I first saw Dr. Conti and he put me on it, I was very, very depressed, and that's what he wanted it for. And then he said, yay, one of the things it also helps with is the ED! :D so that's good!, and then Christine said, hang on, you've got anxiety, well, presumably it will help with that. So--yes. So Gail is calling Christine is calling Dr. Conti, all with the object of sorting it out exactly to find out what we can do. Which is good. And there are, yes, lots of other things to try.

^________^! I knoww...!

Yes...! Soso, but I don't want to be all normal, at any rate. But--yes. We are a perfectionist in what sometimes seems like funny ways; that is, things don't have to be in perfect lines, but they do have to meet perfect standards. It confuses me sometimes. All selfishness feels evil, though.

I can stand it all right. I love people, and I don't mind wounds, and after the nursing home I'm immune to unpleasant smells, and I like to cut things open. It'll be perfect. ^_~ But...! Oh. Thank you so much. ♥

No dying, it shall not happen. I promise. Because there--are so many useless deaths in the world already. It doesn't need one more. And YES. SO THERE, PROZAC. AND TAKE YOUR WONKY SIDE EFFECTS WITH YOU.

Ohhh. --! ^___^ What did you think of my silliness?

[mhari.livejournal.com]

Good! So long as they take good care of you.

Well, there's a difference between being selfish, which is at the specific expense of other people, and just taking time for yourself, for which there is not a convenient word.

Quite so! Silly Prozac. It will just have to live with me, instead, for I am used to its tricksy ways and know how to keep it in line. :P

I < your silliness; you know that. :D

[snowyofthenight.livejournal.com]

...I think most everything else has been said. So. ♥!!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

...I love you. <3333333333333333 ♥

[snowyofthenight.livejournal.com]

I love you! That's awfully handy.

[erinpuff]

What they said. <3

Last time you talked about going to school, my initial reaction was "OH NO IT WILL EAT SOUJIN'S SOUL!!" but I think that's just left over from the anti-normal-school propaganda I got at hippie school. ;-) (where, I might add, you would have gotten on fabulously.) Being more rational this time, I think it's worth a try, if you think it is.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

<3333

I remember that! But--well, that was also when I thought it was going to be a public school. Which ajgasdklgjvaf; NEVER NOHOW. (I want. ;_____________;) But, as Zara pointed out, this is a private school with omg thirteen people per class, and everybody Mum knows recommends it, and--I do think it's worth a try. So we'll see. ^_^

Thank you so much. <3 I love you.

[theatre-angel.livejournal.com]

The public school environment is a nasty, nasty business. But private schools can often be wonderful, particularly the selective ones that cater towards academic and artistic excellence. I don't think you'd feel so out of place there. The one I attend is a kind, beautiful place, and Harrisburg looks as if it would be even better.

When we are older, we shall join together and abolish all public schools. :-)

[theatre-angel.livejournal.com]

AND AND OH MY GOD. WALK THE LINE. EEEEEEEEEE.

My excitement quota has been met for the day.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I KNOW. ;______; I got out as soon as possible, nggg. But--oh. See--that's what I'm hoping. And oh, if I've got your endorsement-- ^___^ Thank you so much.

YES. LUISA AND SOUJIN, TOGETHER WE SHALL CONQUER THE EVIL OF IT ALL.

(...WALK THE LINE! MR. SPOCK! ^___________^)

[theatre-angel.livejournal.com]

I hope you love it, if you do end up going. It can be enjoyable in all its charming fallibility. Middle school, I have found, was often far worse.

YES WE SHALL. The world will fear our partnership.

(I've been addicted to the Joaquin Phoenix version of it from the Walk the Line film for...oh, MONTHS now. I've yet to hear the Johnny Cash one. Woe.)

[lokogato.livejournal.com]

First: OMG OPHELIA!SOUJIN. ♥!

Second: *offers to beat Prozac into mush for you*

Third: School does offer a sense of regularity, but there's also a sort of constricting quality about it after a while. It's get-up-too-early-think-too-early-eat-too-early-too-too-everything-and-then-work-overmuch. At least junior year is very much with the "TOO MUCH DOWN BOY DOWN GAH." But school is also lovely, because there are so many different people and so many different opinions and views and stores of random knowledge, and then it's terrible for the same reasons, because again overload. A trial month should take care of seeing whether you want to go or not, though, so yey! School! (And I hope you have good teachers. And is it a private school? If so, are there uniforms involved? :D :D :D?)

In conclusion: TAKE THAT, PROZAC. MLLE SOUJIN IS BETTER THAN YOU AND ALL THAT AND SO MUCH MORE.

♥ And I love you like I love pot.

... erm.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

O_O I'M OPHELIA? WHERE?!

*appreciates, but must turn the other cheek*

Yessss... The trial month should help, though. And it might turn out I don't like it, and then I wouldn't have to stay. (It is...! But I have no idea.)

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PATHY PATHY PATHY LOVE.

...Soujin is your anti-drug?

[lokogato.livejournal.com]

WHERE YOU'RE CLIMBING TREES THAT EXTEND OVER PONDS. NO DROWNING, MLLE. ;___;!

Alas. ;____; (I CANNOT FIND A SCANNER GUH. ;___;)

But people are nice! People are generally very nice. ^_____^ (If there are, PICTURES PLZ? Because uniforms are &hearts. XD Wait, isn't that some sort of OldJapaneseMan!Fetish? ... u_____u;

Look!


And look!


^____^ ♥

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Hey, you! Wachu doing on Prozac? *huggage*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*hangsonto* I've been on Prozac since January. Psychiatrist put me on after I was going to kill myself.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Well thank fuck goodness you didn't!