psalm_onethirtyone | "Count All the Bees in the Hive..."

"There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your Philosophy, Horatio, and I'd like to show them to you!"

~~~

"Reynaldo looks unhappy."

"That's because Polonius is molesting him."

"Where?"

"In the deleted scenes."

"What's happening in the deleted scenes?"

"He's being molested."

"By who?"

"Polonius."

"Wait, who's being molested?"

"Reynaldo."

"Oh!"

~~~

"Which one is Rosencrantz? Which one is Guildenstern?"

"Who knows?"

"They're both ugly."

~~~

"Did you see him with Claudius?"

"No, what did he do?"

"I don't know, but it looked dirty."

~~~

"In her excellent white bosom--um. Moving on. Oh, my God, I'm reading someone's pornletters to my daughter."

~~~

"Hamlet! Man in Tights! ...Ugly tights!"

~~~

"He wants a Danish foursome with Horatio."

"The ambition too narrow for his mind? --the bed's too narrow for his ambition! He wants that Danish foursome!"

~~~

"I know a hawk from a--wait, wait, that the good Queen and King have sent for you!"

"WAIT, WAIT. HAMLET JUST GAVE GUIL GROUCHO MARX EYEBROWS."

~~~

"This majestical roof fretted with gold and fire--"

"Guildenstern? *sleevetug* Guil, where is it? I don't see it! I see the roof, but I don't see the gold and fire--"

"Shut up."

~~~

"Look at him batting his eyelashes. 'why did you smile when I "said man delights not me?" Of course man delights me! Look! Look at me batting my eyelashes!'"

~~~

"Pay a kajillion ducats to get his picture in little? Dude. 'Look, guys! I got a wallet-sized of the King!'"

~~~

"Did he just call her a mobbled queen? He just called her a mobbled queen."

"No, mobb-led."

"Shhhhhhhh."

~~~

"He's feeling everyone up! He's Hamlet, the Nympho Prince of Denmark!"

"They're all like, 'heh heh heh... ...weirdo."

~~~

"Hamlet's pants are so bad."

"I know. It would almost be better if he performed pantsless. I don't know whether it would be worse."

"...HI, UNCLE JOI."

"Hi, uncle Soujin. ...cousin Soujin. Neice Soujin."

"Hi, uncle Will!"

"Hi, uncle Waen!"

"Hi, uncle Johanna!"

"Seriously, though. --DID HE JUST SAY HE SHOULD HAVE FATTED ALL THE REGION'S TIGHTS?"

~~~

"This is almost as boring as the Kenneth Branaugh Hamlet. And it doesn't even have an all-star cast of Robin Williams."

~~~

"What did you say? What did you say?"

"Nothing."

"Hamlet has nothing."

"What?"

"If Hamlet can say it, so can I."

"He says he has nothing?"

"No, Ophelia does."

"Hamlet, stop staring at me! YOU'VE GOT NOTHING!"

~~~

"It's like he's not wearing pants. He's naked! Except they painted him red!"

~~~

"See? Hamlet's doing Alfred's makeup. He's all, 'come see me after the show'."

~~~

"I can't love you any more, Hamlet! I saw you putting makeup on another guy!"

"That kinds of begs the question, 'wait. Hamlet does Horatio's makeup'?"

~~~

"Hamlet's so much shorter than her! Look at him!"

"He's sitting down."

"He's short!"

"HAMLET! The Midget Nympho Prince of Denmark!"

~~~

"There's no offence in't!"

"It's not offencive!"

"It's just boring."

~~~

"Like a whale! Like a weasel! Like a camel! It's a mutant cloud!"

~~~

"You know why they all died in the end, right?"

"Why?"

"Derek Jacobi bored them to death."

~~~

"He hasn't straddled Gertrude yet."

"He will. Because then his dad comes and is 'YO, KID. GET OFF YOUR MOM. THAT IS NOT ON'."

"Whoa! He's, like, totally--ewww."

"Yes. And his dad is all, "THAT'S MY JOB."

~~~

"HOW PALE ECLAIRS!"

"... That's 'pale he glares'."

~~~

"Hamlet's all, 'refraiiiiiiin to-niiiiiiight'."

"That's asking too much."

~~~

"Hamlet's being one-upped by a Dodge viper and MAD magazine."

"Ooooooh, it has adjustable seats!"

~~~

"Did he just say Johanna?"

"He said 'Yo, Guildenstern!'"

~~~

"Where is the body, my Lord?"

"I ATE IT. AT SUPPER."

"...Ewwwwwwwwww."

~~~

"Man and wife is one flesh, blah blah blah, and so my mother."

"That means you've slept with your brother."

"...EWWWWWWWWW."

"It's just what Hamlet said!"

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

~~~

"Whose powers are these?"

"Norway's, because Denmark has no power."

"Oh, snap."

"Your mother!"

~~~

"I wish I could meet Derek Jacobi."

"What would you say? 'Hi, my name is Will. You killed my braincells. Prepare to die'?"

~~~

"...And now Ophelia is molesting Claudius!"

~~~

"Oh, my God, look!"

"At what?"

"At his thing."

"What thing?"

"His codpiece! It's green and shiny."

"Oh, my God."

~~~

"Hamlet's crying out for Laertes' rapier."

"That's-- that's--"

"HE HAS NOTHING, REMEMBER?"

~~~

"Did he just say 'unspeakable fellow'?"

"I'll speak to this fellow."

"What would I do without you?"

"He called him Hamelet. Hamelet eats spam a lot!"

~~~

"'Til I have caught her once more in mine arms...!"

"Laertes, molesting your sister after she's dead? Bad form."

"Hamlet, you scoundrel, that's my sister you're boffing!"

"Laertes! You scoundrel!"

"That's your sister you're boffing!"

"Bring on the grand duel, right-- eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww."

~~~

"This is the scene that never eeeeeeeeends--yes, it goes on and on, my friends..."

~~~

"Fortinbras has come to Denmark! For CONQUEST!"

"There's no one left to conquer."

~~~

"Kiss him. Kiss him. Kiss-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, HE'S DEEEEEEEAADD."

~~~

"Is anything interesting happening?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Fortinbras is sneering at Horatio."

"TRY AGAIN.

~~~

In other news, Derek Jacobi once played Don John. That pains me greatly.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Hamlet", by Derek Jacobi