"But the Best Thing About New York City..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

Eriiiin. I have two versions of the Vespers piece; one is a sonnet, and the other is a blank-verse anthem; they're fourteen and twenty lines, respectively.

You can look at them both and tell me what you think. If you like one or the other better, just tell me if there are any edits or changes I need to make. If neither of them are quite what you're looking for, just say and I'll work out another one. Don't you dare feel guilty if that's the case. :D I can do it.

I'll repost them both here.

The stars will stir and whisper from the sky;
The tress rustle and the wide fields unfold
Because as bright and blinding to man's eye
As the sun nested in a cloud of gold
Has come an Angel. Its most shining hand
Gentles the fear of shepherd and of lamb
And in a voice more voices than the sand
Has grains, it says "I come from I THAT AM.
Be not afraid but go and seek love's seat
Wherein is born He who will love you all,
Bless you, and give himself to you to eat
When you are starved and fear that you will fall."
Then will we rise and journey to this sun
Whose greatest love in us our love's begun.

Note the iambic pentametre! I am proud of the iambic pentametre.

God save you if you sleep a quiet sleep;
God save you if you wake and turn and pray;
God save you if you drink your Christmas wine with joy,
And Angels bless your wine and bless your joy!

If you are young may you be gladly young;
If you are old may you be not alone;
If you are warm then hold us close and warm us;
If you have clever feet then dance with love.

Christ the loving smiling coming Saviour
Comes with healing hands and gentle eyes;
With an almighty song that says, "Children, although
I am a child myself, you are so young.

"God save you if you sleep a quiet sleep;
I will anoint your dreams with holy oil.
God save you if you wake and turn and pray;
I will listen even when I do not act.
God save you if you drink your Christmas wine with joy;
I'll drink mine too and then we'll share the bread.
May Angels bless you while I bless another,
And, children, may you always bless each other."

There! So tell me what you think. I still have some couplets and free verse ideas in my book(s), so if you need me to work out another one I'm prepared. <3

Thank youu!

Comments

[erinpuff]

Oooohhh. I like them both in different ways. :) Is it okay if I take a couple days to reflect upon them before getting back to you with more in-depth comments? I have liek no time right now omg. :o

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Definitely! Take your time. ^__^ I want to create the right product. ^_~

Me getting back to you

[erinpuff]

I've been thinking, and, while I like them both very much as poems, and they'd probably be absolutely lovely as pieces written by someone other than me, I can't see myself setting either one in a way that would do them justice. :o Again, totally not your fault. I don't tend to write in equal phrases, so I'm afraid the sonnet would turn out awkward, even though I really like it aghghgh. Also, my choral stuff tends to be slow and sort of meditative-ish, so I think I overestimated what a good length would be.

Could you maybe try something without rhyming or meter? Maybe more sort of abstract/contemplative rather than narrative, and shorter (8-12ish lines, depending on how long the lines are)? I am so unhelpful omg, but maybe you get the idea?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Mmmkay. A short free-verse? I should be able to do that! I already have some free-verse things sketched, so I will get to work. ^___^!

[erinpuff]

^____^ You're so nice.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^^;;;;; Noooo.