"If I'm Not There on Time I'll Send My Emissary..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

Does anyone on my flist or otherwise who has had experience with depression/SAD/darkness-sadness know what you should do about it? Because I'm taking my anti-depressants regularly, but this last week has been a nightmare. As soon as it gets dark I'm ending up crying uncontrollably, and if it's not that it's abject misery, or intense loneliness or the overwhelming conviction that I suck at everything and there's no reason to like me and I don't know why I even bother staying online to get in people's way. Which may or may not be true.

It's just--I really, really hate it, it's horrible. And I was wondering whether anybody has any ideas of how to deal with this or what I can do to make it ease up, because I can't be around people like this, swear to God I can't, and until it clears up I'm not getting online, because honestly nobody wants to deal with me or talk to me like this. It's just one thing after another and nothing I've done makes it go away, and I don't want to be like this. I don't like me like this.

So--yes. If anybody knows what to do. I would really, really appreciate some advice.

(it also makes me incredibly short-tempered, which is not fun either, because when I get mad I scream and cry. augh help.)

Comments

[mhari.livejournal.com]

Turn some lights on.

Are you eating properly? You may not be getting enough of something.

Also you're under a lot of stress lately, with the interviews and all, so that's probably contributing.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I hate lights. >_>

I am eating and taking my vitamins, although the eating is somewhat erratic and weird. I've been having some body issues lately.

Probably. :/

[mhari.livejournal.com]

*jabs* If the dark is depressing you, turn on lights.

Go away, issues. You need vitamins.

*hugs tight*

[tiamatschild.livejournal.com]

What she said. Also, don't deprive yourself of company because you think no one wants to deal with you. If you don't want to deal with anyone, that's okay, but believe me, I've done it the other way around and it really makes it worse.

(Besides, I love you and always want to talk to you. No matter what. Swear.)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Well, yes, it makes me feel bad, but I imagine it's a hell of a lot less stressful to everyone else. >_> And at the moment, considering how sure I am everyone hates me, I'm more focused on that.

(♥)

[erinpuff]

*hugclings* I wish I could be more of a help.

And I do *so* want to deal with you! You're really very lovely to have around. <3 I'm so glad we got to talk for a while today, even though I fail at phone conversations. ^^

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Pshhh, you are. ♥ You're wonderful.

Not when I'm crying and freaking out over little things. XD I swear. But I am really glad we got to talk. <33 You are not! You were lovely. ^_^ Telephones are just weird.

[winter-monday.livejournal.com]

Umm....So you don't know me at all but I've friended you because I've just discovered the Arthurian fandom and I love it.

But I have SAD. Something that I do to deal with it is to exercise (I like to run for instance), and just try to get as much sunlight as I can. I don't know if that's possible for you where you live, so....

I've also heard that people who have SAD and who sit under UV light are helped. Maybe go to a tanning booth? LOL.

Anyway. Maybe that won't help, but I definitely feel your pain.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Oo, cool! ^__^ Arthuriana is obviously teh best evar.

I do exercise pretty regularly, but I admit I probably don't get as much light as I should, both because I tend to stay up and sleep late and because I don't like it getting in my eyes.

Heh! I don't know. XD

Thanks. ♥ It's a pain. My sympathies to you...!

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

Personally, I've found B-vitamins (when they don't make me throw up), full-spectrum lights (also easier on eyes--but they're not the same as the superexpensive kind specifically for treating SAD), and exercise all help, especially exercise. Getting off my ass to do said exercise when I'm depressed--there's the obstacle. Exercising with a friend or family member helps with motivation, I find.

:/

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Well, I do exercise pretty much daily, and I usually do feel pretty good after that, depending on whether or not I've eaten. I did to-day...!

I wonder if B-vitamins would help.

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

B-vitamins are one of the standards for SAD, but I'd check to make sure they won't interact badly with your antidepressants.

Yay, exercise! You are way ahead of me and my laziness.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

*clingsonto* Don't hate you, love you, don't mind seeing you when you're unhappy so long as I see you.

Also, have you tried putting a scarf or something over the light so that it's not dark, but not getting-in-your-eyes bright? You probably have, but still--might help.

For me, when I'm upset, I need to be assured that there's something beautiful in the world. I don't know if that helps you, but it's constant comfort for me.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

>_> Can't help hating me like this.

That's interesting. I never thought of that. Is worth a try, very much!

♥

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

But I don't hate you, miss. Couldn't ever hate you. ♥♥♥

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

If you were here, you could share my light box. :D Is the same thing used for SAD.

Take walks. Seriously. I can tell you that using my light box for thirty minutes a day is considered to be a supplement for thirty minutes of natural sunlight. You cannot store up sunlight like a camel, unfortunately (light camel! would be great), but you can get your serotonin working before dusk. It is terribly humid out this week, but perhaps once it gets a little cooler, as autumn gets closer-- get your exercise outside, instead of inside.

Or. Even sitting on the porch, or by the big windows in the kitchen, or in the garden.

Otherwise, what other people said. Vitamins, turn on lights. Keep bright colours and silly things around-- it's purely psychological, but maybe it will help. Try to spend some time around your family, if things are well enough there-- if you're feeling lonely, perhaps you really are devoid of company. Internet and telephone cannot compare to the real thing sometimes.

Also, eat. SAD is related to (READ: DEPENDANT ON) serotonin production just like normal depression. If you're not eating until six or eight in the evening, your body is not kickstaring itself in the morning (or even afternoon, since we both know my schedule) and so it's no wonder that things are not working right. I know you know this, so--sorry, but. They are not seperate issues.

♥ Jeg elsker dig. Figure something out soon, plz.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I could! So you're moved in now, right?

Oh, that's a good idea. I could start walking up to Hill Church again, that's a nice easy hour. Also, I want to be a light camel. I really, really want to be a light camel.

Yeeess. It's just so buggy and icky right now. XD I whine.

Bright colours and silly things? I am SO THERE. And family things are okay--a little tenuous, but okay. the trouble is everybody works, so-- I was hoping that if I get the job, being around people more will help me feel more sociliased. Sometimes it is teh fail to be so dependant on contact.

I KNOW BUT SERATONIN IS CALORIES. ;_____; I am have Ed redux this week, I don't know why. Have been freaking out about eating generally. I'm not sure what's up with that.

Amo te! ♥ I will. Promise.

[canadabear.livejournal.com]

I know little about SAD, but if your depression is still this bad taking anti-depressants, I'd question if you're taking the right ones. If you've been taking them for a significant amount of time (ie, this isn't the first month or so) I'd talk to whomever it is that prescribes them for you.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I've been taking them since January, I believe. It's been a while. >_> But I switched because the old ones were giving me horrible tremors. It's only a ten mg dose; possibly it needs to be increased.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

I sometimes have a thing we call a "sunset crash", where I plummet into teary despair in the early evening. I suspect that in my case it's related to falling blood glucose levels; dinner seems to fix it.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

It's like that! Yes. But I don't think this is blood sugar, because it usually happens after dinner.

[jiasachan.livejournal.com]

I'm not so good with this, because my bouts of depression tend to come and go sort of by accident, but there are a few things that work for me (keeping in mind that mine are relatively mild unless there are serious stressors going on.) But activity helps -- I would suggest exercise, but if you're having issues with food lately that might not be such a good idea. Maybe attempting to do something creative? The best advice I can give is to keep busy but not try to ignore the problem, and take a break from whatever you're doing if you need to.

Maybe sometime when you are feeling good you could make a list related to things that you like about yourself and things that make you happy and bring it out when you hit a low spot? Decorate it. Colours and sparkles and things -- make a serious kindergarten art project of it, as ridiculously cheerful as you can manage. It's not going to immediately bail you out when things are really intense, but it can be a tiny lift on bad days, worth a shot.

Sometimes it can help to just go through things, acknowledge what you are feeling, and examine what might be making you feel that way -- stressful circumstances, or the dark coming on, or whatever it is that is coming up -- and consciously remind yourself that it is your depression and not you actually sucking at everything and being unlikeable.

Lighting can make a huge difference -- get some sun during the day when you can. It may help balance out the evening crash. At night you may want to keep lights on until you are ready to go to sleep.

Food is very, very important -- I know it will be difficult, but nutrition contributes so much to physical and mental well-being, if you can get some healthy things in you it may make a big difference.

And it's okay, sometimes, to find someone close to you, or call them, or IM them, and say "Hi, I need you to remind me that I do not suck at everything. Tell me something good about me, please?"

*hugstight*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Love you so much. ♥

Those are all really good suggestions, and I really like the idea of a sparkly list of good stuff about me. >_> I may very well do that. Especially because I have glitter glue I still haven't gotten a chance to use properly.

I don't like liiiiight, but I am going to try to do what Gil said, and maybe put a cloth over it or something, so it's not bothering me as much but it's still there.

I am working hard on the food. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble with it lately, but it is really crazy. But I had breakfast this morning by eleven, and also ice cream just now when I got home from the gym, thereby rendering that outing null and void but delicious. But I will do my absolute best to get it right, I will really try.

You're wonderful. Thank you. ♥

[josiana.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I don't really know of anything terribly effective, but I find that talking to my friends is generally a little helpful. (And sleeping, but that's kind of limits productivity.) But you don't suck at everything and people really do like you, just so you know.
*hugs*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

That's because yours isn't getting treated! *POKE POKE POKE* But--sleep actually does have something to do with it, as I've been having a lot of late nights/early mornings recently. I'm working on that part, too.

You're a love, you really are. Be good to you, too.