"I'm Tired But I'm Working..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I have been--missing Zara lately. Most of all I have been missing the unexpected magic she kept making, although she probably never thought of it that way.

I remember that the first time I went to see her, she bought me flowers. I got off the train and there she was with flowers, and, I swear, at the time I didn't even know why I was so enchanted; but nobody had ever bought me flowers before.

That was the same trip I made her Danish sweet bread, and we ate it together while watching Hamlet on her bed, and she let me put my head in her lap, and I was so happy.

We always used to go to museums together; we just both loved museums, and once we bought each other tiger's eye and amethyst, and I still have mine. We spent hours exploring Pittsburgh, and even little bits of Harrisburg, and she would always hold my hand, and I love to have my hand held. Nobody holds my hand any more. I used to braid her hair, or put it up with flowers, because it was long and beautiful and breathtaking. Her hair is reddish-brown with more red, and so long. She looks beautiful in green, and I used to make her wear green for me, because it's such a wonderful colour on her.

And she used to send me songs that she said were mine, and I felt beautiful and special when I was with her.

She lived so close by that we got to visit four or five times a year, trading back and forth--I'd stay in her dorm in Pittsburgh, and she'd come and sleep in my room in New Buffalo. She's the first person who ever saw our new home, back when it wasn't even ours, when we were still looking for a place to belong to--she came out and explored it with us, and afterwards we went to the little fifties diner in Freeburg and had smiley fries.

We loved taking photographs of each other, and we acted out whole bits from Hamlet, and we could talk for hours and hours and hours, and she didn't mind when I telephoned her at three in the morning because I was having a hysterical attack (we were friends when I was really, really sick, and I was always having bad problems). I wrote her poetry that she said was good.

I just--miss her a lot. It feels like the particular magic she had is gone out of my life, and things are a little quieter. I miss putting jewellery on her, and sleeping next to her, and going on walks holding her hand, and all the myriad little things I could do that she said made her happy.

So. I just wanted to say something about her. It makes me sad at night sometimes--I just wanted to say why.

Comments

[lucullean.livejournal.com]

oh, you.

:(

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

the worst part is it's my fault.

[lucullean.livejournal.com]

you doing anything friday night?

[theatre-angel.livejournal.com]

Friendship is breathtaking and often leaves you feeling shaken after it's gone. There will never be another whirlwind quite like it.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

And how are you, my inexpressible poetry?

[erinpuff]

*hugs* I'm sorry. :(

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*holds*

[bewareofitalics]

:( Did something happen to her?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

She hasn't talked to me in six months.

[bewareofitalics]

*snugs* I'm sorry.

[ewein2412]

I have absolutely SO BEEN THERE, SO SO SO been there, even down to the detailed business of "acting out whole bits from Hamlet."

But: it may get better. It may take years. I speak from experience. You have to trust me: it can get better.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Oh, God. I believe that it can--honestly. It just seems far-off now.

[ewein2412]

I know. you just have to keep busy. do other things, love other people.

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

i know how that is, miss -- not quite a breaking-off, but a growing-distant, when you turn around and you realize you're not quite connected, that you lost something and it was something wonderful. but you can still get it back, yes? things that drift apart can drift back together -- (unless there's something more to it, something-i-don't-know -- but i remember the flowers, and the stories you two had together made me smile.)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

No, I--really properly lost her.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

*cuddles*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*curls up in*

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

Oh, miss... This is so beautiful and sad, and I had no idea you two had drifted apart... *hugs* I'm so sorry!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

:) Thanks.

[josiana.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry. I hope things get better.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

♥ Thank you, love.
\

[anima-mecanique.livejournal.com]

*HUG*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*holds to*

[tiamatschild.livejournal.com]

*cuddlesyouclose* I'm sorry, babe.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*holdsagainst*