"You Can't Go On Thinking Nothing's Wrong..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I am so truly utterly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and I don't--wholly know how to cope with the fact?

I missed my meds yesterday, and to-day, this morning, before I remembered to take them, it was like walking around drunk. Things kept sliding, I couldn't steady my hands for anything, my thoughts were all over the place, there was this sense of overwhelming panic in the back of my throat and it kept swimming up and trying to explode and I kept shoving it back down again, but--it just seems like some kind of allegory for the problem.

Which is that I am barely controlling panic right now, and have been for the last few days. It's like--stuff that has been dormant for months? Like my social anxiety, which only flares up when I have to deal with peers for extended periods of time. It is truly horrible right now. And my goddamn ED, which I thought was under some kind of control, is just raging right now. I cannot even--I don't even know. It's horrible. It is so, so horrible right now. I don't feel pretty, I don't even feel acceptable, and the only reason I haven't been skipping meals is because it makes me too dizzy to function, and I know that I need to be able to function.

But, I don't know, maybe it would be better to stop functioning. Maybe I need to fall down on my floor for a while so I could have some physical expression of how bad I feel right now. I feel bad, bad, bad. I'm having nightmares again, constant nightmares, about people hating me. I'm caught up on all my homework, but I feel behind. I am so tired.

I just--I feel like I got complacent. Like I expected to stay mentally stable when I made this transition, but the transition jostled me up plenty, and I wasn't prepared for that at all. And I want to quit the clubs I joined, because I don't feel like I have a right to be there. I want to stop trying to fit in, because I feel like I can't and people think I'm stupid for trying. I just want to have a little cocoon of schoolwork and me and just nothing else, because God knows I am too ignorant and socially inept to have a place in the world of people.

Oddly enough, I haven't done much crying yet. Usually this kind of thing involves crying. Right now it just involves swearing a lot and feeling tight in the chest and head.

God knows. I just don't know what to do.

Comments

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

it does, i think -- you find a rhythm in it that's more than just having a schedule; you find what belongs to you, i think. i think that's what happens to me ... i get overwhelmed when i'm in a new place and i'm crowded by people, walk around feeling dazed and anxious and sort of on the edge of panic, forgetting things like my meds and why i should eat, thinking how awkward and unattractive i must be and however everyone must notice -- and it's because i don't know what spaces there are that are just mine, physically and emotionally and also in time, because i don't fit right and i don't know yet how i will. but then things settle, and the spaces come to you, fitting comes to, and a lot of the time you don't even have to look for it -- you're just breathing easier. i don't know if this all makes sense.

good. <3 i sent you a package. it was meant to be a surprise, but.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I got it yesterday, and it was a big surprise. Thank you so much.

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

<333333333

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*is writing thankyou note really we swear alfkjalfjas homework*

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

no, don't worry about it! just say you're thankful and i promise i'll believe you ~

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I am so thankful. It was a beautiful surprise in the midst of a lot of chaos.

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

*squeezinghug!* and you will be always be welcome.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

♥