"All Their Crimes and Aquisitions Turn to Air and Ash and Vapour..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I really miss my school friends right now. It has to do at least partly with this unholy terror I have that if I'm away from people for too long they'll just forget about me, or they won't want me any more--it's not really logical, it's just one of my biggest anxieties, and it's completely paralysing. Maria's friends are all visiting her over the summer--Lydia's coming next month, as is Elena, and Emily may come after that, and she had Will last week, and later on in the summer she'll visit Will and Elena and Monica.

I got to go see mhari in May, which was wonderful, but otherwise I'm going to be spending summer alone. Like always. Which, when I was still in high school and didn't really have any friends in the state, wasn't a really big deal, because it was par for the course, I never had any friends that I saw on a daily basis for a whole eight years. But now that I've spent two years of my friends being available almost all the time, I feel really, really emotionally cut off.

It's also wrapped up in the fact that I really like to be able to touch people, or else I feel distanced from them; I like to hold hands, or cuddle, or just be physically close to people, it makes me feel safer. So I don't have anybody for that (Maria is not a touchy-feely person at all), and also I'm just so scared that I'll get back to school and all my friends there will be all 'whatever, who are you, why did we even like you?'

and for some reason I'm having a depressive episode, and I haven't had one of those in about three weeks, so I'm disappointed. And there are some things going wrong with my plans for the summer; I wasn't able to get hired by any of the places I applied, so my summer job is doing odd jobs for a man at church once a week, I've had writer's block since before I came home and my poetry won't come out, so my MS is still at forty-eight pages and I'll never hit the fifty I want before I try to start sending it to publishers, and I'm only going to get rejection letters anyway, and I never have time to go to Selinsgrove to get the things I need to finish my Big Damn Art Project. And then the priest of our church [Daphne] told Mama she would give me an internship so at least I could get something official out of the summer, but she kind of reneged on that. She's giving me the connexions to meet some people, but nothing really official, and she refuses to believe I'm serious about wanting to go into the priesthood; she keeps referring to it as "[Soujin]'s discernment process" where I decide "whether she really does want to go into religion or not". I know that I want to do this. I really hate talking about it in these terms, because it feels all faux-spiritual and pretentious, but I really do feel called to do this. It feels like I'm finally making the right decision. And even if it's true that kids my age usually change their minds about their career plans and whatnot, it's still at least polite to pretend to believe me when I say this is what I want to do. It really upsets me.

And I feel like Mama's disappointed in me for not being proactive enough, but any time I have to interact with Daphne I just end up feeling so disappointed and depressed that I don't really want her help. I wish so much that I had a spiritual counsellor who didn't make me upset. I'm meeting with her husband Ed to-morrow, who was a spiritual counsellor (and is a retired priest) at Penn State for years and years, and hoping that since he's an actual human being and not an alien ambassador from planet Daphne we will possibly be able to communicate in a way that does not make me miserable, cross my fingers. I just. I want to learn how to organise a fundraiser and run a vacation bible school and pick out the week's hymns and connect the readings together with the season and current events into a big thick woven sermon. I want to learn from someone who loves God and loves the earthly church, too, someone who visits sick people and helps make prayer shawls and runs the book club and teaches Sunday school because that person wants to, but whenever I talk to Daphne she talks like it's all a huge burden that God's placed upon her and she's only doing it because she knows it's the right thing to do. I don't want to learn from someone who feels that way. I want to learn from someone who loves it.

And I want the sink to start working again and the smell of turpentine to go away and for my heart to stop hurting, and I wouldn't mind if only one of those things happened. It just feels like too much of a buildup.

Also, I have to drive to Duncannon to-morrow morning to see the doctor for my physical for my visa for Greece, and that just reminds me how scared I am to go to Greece and how maybe it's not such a good idea and I won't know anyone and my depression will come back and I won't have anyone to reach out to, and my friends will definitely forget me and I won't be able to connect to people because I'm a stranger and the wrong nationality and I'll fail all my classes or I won't be able to get the classes I need to graduate and it's going to be expensive and maybe I should just stay home-- and then I start to have a panic attack. I want to go, but I'm scared.

And really, really lonely. >_<

tl;dr Soujin is a whiny emo kid with hell of anxiety disorder, hi.

Comments

[nowgoesquickly.livejournal.com]

I wish I could give you a hug and assure you that the people who love you could never just forget about you. I wish I could make all of your other worries go away, too. But I know you'll prevail. You're strong. ♥

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

♥ I love you with all my heart.

[erinpuff]

*huuuuuuugs* All that stuff would worry me too; I don't think you're being whiny. :)

I really hope you find a spiritual counselor you like. It's obvious to me from reading this post and from having known you for a long time that you know you want to do this and will be awesome at it. :)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

It's so frustrating! Although Erin (my other friend Erin who is also asexual!) suggested below that I should maybe try getting a job at a church camp, which I think would be a really good idea if there were any around.

Me too. >_< Father Ed and I did not totally connect; I babbled about how much I see God in science, and how I want to work as a hospice priest, and he suggested I become a nurse. Then I babbled about how much I do NOT want to be a nurse and he suggested I intern at a convent. I don't think we were on the same page.

I may have to flail at the guy at school again. We also did not totally connect, but I remember that when I mentioned to him that I was thinking of switching my major from pre-med to pre-sem he said he could arrange some meetings for me with visiting seminary officials who sometimes materialise on campus, so at least he was taking me seriously.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You're really beautiful when you talk about being called to spiritual work, by the way. It's the kind of beautiful you are when you're talking about growing things and loving people.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

<3 Thank you. I am always, I don't know, I am always worried about whether this seems as obvious a choice to me as to other people, because so many people--and I don't know whether it's because of the nature of the job, whereas say with a doctor you can easily tell why someone would want to be one--treat this as though it's not something I'm really serious about, and maybe just some kind of passing fancy.

[raanve]

*hugs*

I felt that way over school breaks, as well. It never happened that my friends didn't want me when we got back to school.

It'll right itself. Hang in. &hearts Maybe it's time I wrote you a letter & so on?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

<333

What if they all move on without meeee. ;_____;

Would you? That would be really nice.

[raanve]

I doubt very much that that will happen. Not least because you're ten kinds of wonderful.

I will! I am pretty sure I have your home address right here. I'll drop you an email to confirm, since my brain is really not at all working.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Wahhhhh.

Okay. <3 But it's the Oriental one, in case I never check my e-mail which is possible.

[raanve]

Ok, that's what I thought! :)

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

<333

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

And even if it's true that kids my age usually change their minds about their career plans and whatnot, it's still at least polite to pretend to believe me when I say this is what I want to do.

I've never really got this one; the average adult changes careers what, four times? A lot of people change careers; it doesn't make all but the last one invalid. People should be treated as what they are right now, not what they might do in the future.

Hope your conversation with Ed goes better. :/

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I really feel this way. My cousin Will has changed career plans about eighteen times in the last three years, but every time we treated said plans with respect and got enthused and gave him helpful suggestions and generally implied that we totally believed he was going to be a dentist, no we totally believed he was going to be a bronze-worker, no &c because that is just the polite thing to do. And at the time HE certainly felt that these were real serious plans, even if we were secretly going pfff really kid?, so we certainly didn't let on that we felt that way, because that would have been really disrespectful to him. I don't understand why adults can't do this.

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

One of my grad school friends spent about 20 years as a medical editor and scientific illustrator--went back to school in her 40s, and now she's trying to find work as an exhibit designer. She's really good, and I'm sure she'll be an excellent exhibit designer, but that doesn't mean she wasn't a good editor and illustrator, too, that that career was less valid.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

This, exactly. It's so frustrating.

[azurai.livejournal.com]

*huuuuuuuuuug*
I know what you mean about feeling incredibly cut off from school friends. The first three weeks or so after I got back every single dream I had had one of my friends in it, and he'd be there, and then suddenly he would disappear and I couldn't find him. I've been keeping in touch with my friends *most of whom don't have internet over the summer* by sending them letters, which is great fun but also leads to daily disappointments when I open up the mail box and I haven't got any letters.
I also worry sometimes about next school year because I just don't even know what it's going to be like. I'm almost afraid that the changes in all of our living arrangements is going to change my friendships, which is stupid, but I think it anyways.
But yeah, the main purpose of this comment is to send you love and good vibes! *hugs again*
♥ ♥ ♥

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Argh, yes. I have the dreams. And I'm trying to do the letter thing, but I never seem to find the time, plus the whole 'people don't write back' thing is always kind of disappointing.

It really doesn't that much, fwiw. My first year I was on the same floor as my best friend, and last year I was a floor above her, and we were fine--of course this year we'll be in totally different dorms, so we'll see how that works out. That also terrifies me, of course. >_>

/loves

[isjusterin.livejournal.com]

SOUJIN

1) I miss everyone too D:
2) Did you look into doing counselor positions at church camps? I know there tends to be a lot of positions for things like that down here, and the camps should just be starting up about now. It may require a bit of a drive but you wouldn't be forced to commute.
3) Is this your poetry manuscript? Do you typically send out whole manuscripts for poetry publications? I'm unfamiliar with that whole process because the only submission stuff I've done before has been for short stories and novels.
4) Keep a stiff upper lip dearie! Even thought that is a really strange idiom and should be expunged from the English language!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

1) WHY ARE THEY ALL SO FAR AWAY. ;_____; I miss youuu.
2) I'm volunteering at our church's VBS but it's only like three days long. Anyway, that's a really good thought, I should look into that.
3) Yeeeeesss, my stupid poetry manuscript. Actually, I have no idea how that particular process works and I should really find out before I start flailing around. >_>
4) ♥ ilu.

[isjusterin.livejournal.com]

3) Well I didn't bring my copy of Writer's Market home but a little research should tell you all you need.

Oh and btw I broke my foot! Yay!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

3) ffffff research. You're right!

Oh dear lord, for heaven's sake, how'd you do that?

[isjusterin.livejournal.com]

I tripped :D You underestimate my clumsiness. Thankfully I'm in a walking cast so once I'm able to put more pressure on it I'll be mobile.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Gahhhh I can't let you out of my sight. So does this mean you're not mobile at the moment?

p.s. Sheetz just released a new Butterfingers milkshake.

[isjusterin.livejournal.com]

I can get around if I need to, but it's mostly hopping and attempting to use crutches. And as long as the Butterfingers crap doesn't stick to my teeth in shake form then that sounds delicious. I am totally jonesing a Sheetz shake.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

You and Liz could be partners in cripple! Good heavens. Also, I would sent you a Sheetz shake in the mail if I could. I truly would. ALSO, do you want a 'Our Love is Like a Bedsheet Coated in Vaginal Blood' card? I already sent one to Liz, but I can make one for you, too, if you like.

[isjusterin.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Go ahead, and I will watch my mail like a hawk since my parents have a penchant for opening their daughters' mail without permission.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm sure that's a visual your mother wants. I will however send it, and you can just be vigilant.

[isjusterin.livejournal.com]

Yay! And vigilant I shall be!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

/salutes

[the-chloroplast.livejournal.com]

My dear, you will be fine in Greece, you will have a BLAST (but make sure to wear sunscreen while having that blast because Grecian sun is for whoa), you will meet tons of new people and make tons of new friends, and all of your old friends will be waiting for you when you get back. And if they aren't, they weren't really your friends to begin with (and I'll help you hide their bodies, so don't worry about that).

As far as Daphne goes, you will have to deal with people like her all your life. You will have to talk to them and work with them, but you will not have to like them. It is perfectly okay not to like them. Just deal with Daphne for now, until you don't have to anymore, and then go your own way. She is an excellent example of how not to be.

And. You will be the person who visits sick people and makes prayer shawls and runs the book club and teaches Sunday school because that is what you believe you are meant to do, and if no one teaches you exactly how to weave sermons, you will figure it out anyway and do it loads better than some other people. You know how to find the right words (anyone who's read one of your poems knows you have Something Special going there), and how to arrange them in their proper order to make people laugh or cry. You know how to make people comfortable around you, and how to get them to talk to you, and how to talk to them. I think it's because they can sense that here is a girl who is so filled up with love and feeling that she doesn't know what to do with it other than to give it to everyone she comes in contact with.

God is love, and so are you. And as long as you keep those things in mind, I think you'll find the strength to do whatever you have a mind to.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

;____; You make me bawl.

But it's a good kind of bawling. Thank you so much, Fishy.