"Look at me and tell me who I am..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I don't want to write ever again. No. Just--no.

I'm not getting any enjoyment out of it, and I don't care, and I feel like all I'm turning out is bad material, and it doesn't seem like other people are interested. And yes, I am one of those people who can't work on projects without outside support. Wanting to do something myself doesn't work. I need someone else to want it too, which is why I'm always taking commissions.

But to-day I hate it. I don't like what I'm writing, and I don't like the prospect of writing, so I feel horrible and guilty because I've just taken all these requests, and--stuff.

No. Don't want to write anymore. Don't want to touch the keyboard for writing.

Damn, but I have to write Emma's story for Scum Club, and I don't even want to do that. Thank God I'm quitting.

I hate my writing, and I hate myself, and I do not want to do it.

AHHHHHH.

This is so. Stupid. Stupid? Yes, Soujin, it is stupid.

I do not want to talk to anyone to-night, as I all I have been doing the last week is whining or crying or angsting at people. I'm sick of doing that. I'm angry with myself, and I hate myself every night when I get offline because all I've done is whinged at some innocent person or another.

Stupid.

'But lately I find that I reek of discontent and it fills me...'

And shit, it induces headaches.

Comments

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

Dear heart, first of all, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. If someone asks you to write something, they don't necessarily "need" it within a two-day period. For example, I delivered mhari's Christmas present in early February. Did she complain that it was late? No, she said, "Ee, I love it." If I hadn't been able to finish it at all for a variety of reasons, I am sure she (or anyone else to whom I had promised a story) would have recognized that I am not a fiction vending machine. I have my own reasons for everything I do and everything I don't do. If you were getting paid in more than gratitude, then people might have a right to expect consistency and greatness. As it is, if they say, "Please write this," and you write it six months later, you've fulfilled their request. If you haven't written it six months later, then any rational person who hears an explanation of why you didn't will forgive you. Besides, they'll probably have forgotten asking by that point.

Similarly, just because someone asked for something two days ago doesn't mean you have to give it to them tomorrow or feel guilty. We are not infants who starve in the absence of your writing; we're people who enjoy the products of effort however long they take.

Also, that feeling called, "Everything I write is crap"?

Normal.

Every writer I've ever encountered goes through it. It hits me pretty damn frequently, and I know I've whined of it to you and had you tell me that what I write is not uniformly worthless.

Same to you, ma chére. There's no one on earth who produces uniformly beautiful work, even if they take more than a week to create it. Every minor flaw that you see in your writing does not mean you suck. It means you are improving, because if it hits your internal monitor wrong, you know you need to fix it.

You write wonderfully, particularly for someone of your age. If you put it aside for five years, you will still be ahead of the game, and you will still be "a writer," and a damned good one at that.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. I know you're very right, and I'm trying to pace myself more and let myself have a break. It's just something that my head doesn't let me do easily, you know? It's like knowing that someone else is right but still being unwilling to accept what they're saying. It's--very odd. I know I can stop writing for a while and it's okay, but my head still tells me that I need to do it and I'm not okay unless I do.

But I am trying, and thank you for all of what you've said.