"Look at me and tell me who I am..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I don't want to write ever again. No. Just--no.

I'm not getting any enjoyment out of it, and I don't care, and I feel like all I'm turning out is bad material, and it doesn't seem like other people are interested. And yes, I am one of those people who can't work on projects without outside support. Wanting to do something myself doesn't work. I need someone else to want it too, which is why I'm always taking commissions.

But to-day I hate it. I don't like what I'm writing, and I don't like the prospect of writing, so I feel horrible and guilty because I've just taken all these requests, and--stuff.

No. Don't want to write anymore. Don't want to touch the keyboard for writing.

Damn, but I have to write Emma's story for Scum Club, and I don't even want to do that. Thank God I'm quitting.

I hate my writing, and I hate myself, and I do not want to do it.

AHHHHHH.

This is so. Stupid. Stupid? Yes, Soujin, it is stupid.

I do not want to talk to anyone to-night, as I all I have been doing the last week is whining or crying or angsting at people. I'm sick of doing that. I'm angry with myself, and I hate myself every night when I get offline because all I've done is whinged at some innocent person or another.

Stupid.

'But lately I find that I reek of discontent and it fills me...'

And shit, it induces headaches.

Comments

[erinpuff]

Don't say that. I already told you I'd cry if you stopped writing. Don't make me cry. :(

And don't feel guilty about taking requests! They make people very happy. :)

[mhari.livejournal.com]

*hugs gently*

You should write what you want to write. Even if that's nothing at all. Don't feel pressured.

And don't feel inadequate. You write wonderful things, even if they're not perfect -- what is?

[bewareofitalics]

Your writing is great. I've loved everything I've read by you. If I don't comment, it's because I'm lazy (or because I don't know the fandom and therefore didn't read something, but I digress). And you'll probably get even better the more you write.

That said, if you're getting burned out, by all means take a break! Maybe writing will become fun again if you don't do it for a while.

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

Dear heart, first of all, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. If someone asks you to write something, they don't necessarily "need" it within a two-day period. For example, I delivered mhari's Christmas present in early February. Did she complain that it was late? No, she said, "Ee, I love it." If I hadn't been able to finish it at all for a variety of reasons, I am sure she (or anyone else to whom I had promised a story) would have recognized that I am not a fiction vending machine. I have my own reasons for everything I do and everything I don't do. If you were getting paid in more than gratitude, then people might have a right to expect consistency and greatness. As it is, if they say, "Please write this," and you write it six months later, you've fulfilled their request. If you haven't written it six months later, then any rational person who hears an explanation of why you didn't will forgive you. Besides, they'll probably have forgotten asking by that point.

Similarly, just because someone asked for something two days ago doesn't mean you have to give it to them tomorrow or feel guilty. We are not infants who starve in the absence of your writing; we're people who enjoy the products of effort however long they take.

Also, that feeling called, "Everything I write is crap"?

Normal.

Every writer I've ever encountered goes through it. It hits me pretty damn frequently, and I know I've whined of it to you and had you tell me that what I write is not uniformly worthless.

Same to you, ma chére. There's no one on earth who produces uniformly beautiful work, even if they take more than a week to create it. Every minor flaw that you see in your writing does not mean you suck. It means you are improving, because if it hits your internal monitor wrong, you know you need to fix it.

You write wonderfully, particularly for someone of your age. If you put it aside for five years, you will still be ahead of the game, and you will still be "a writer," and a damned good one at that.

[and-i.livejournal.com]

Oh, don't feel guilty or bad. If you want to take a break, do. Sometimes it helps to come back to things with fresh eyes after a break. Believe me when I say that I am always interested when you write things (despite my bad commenting skills), because you do have talent by the bucketload.
Don't think that you have to do anything for anyone, but if you feel that you need outside input, you've always got something to look to.

and I feel like all I'm turning out is bad material
Take our word for it that you're not, but this is certainly a normal feeling which I can guarantee that every writer worth anything has felt at least once, probably several times.
Like I said, do break if you want to and don't worry about it. You mustn't force yourself to do things.

[comite.livejournal.com]

dude, i added you to my friends list because i read your stories AVIDLY and i wanted to make sure i got to read 'em all, story ideas, scraps of dialogue, whatever you turn out and let other people read. and i'm going to second what la petra said. honestly, it's that drive to always be better and not be satisfied with what you're producing that made you take up writing in the first place, eh. there was a famous poet who kept repeating "when i am fifty, i will be a writer...when i am eighty, i will be a writer...when i am a hundred, i will be a writer..." never considered herself one even though she'd been showered with honors.

and it's perfectly natural to not want to write in a vacuum, you know? also i bet the only person who feels put upon by your venting is /you/.

if you feel you need a break, let yourself -- i personally would be VERY sad not to have soujin writing to read for a bit, but you need to take care of yourself first. but if you really are enjoying what you're doing and are just feeling kinda down -- don't beat yourself up over it. it's a part of being human -- and ain't that what a writer's supposed to explore and capture? ;)

take care

[birdmad-girl.livejournal.com]

petronelle beat me to it. EVERY writer thinks, a good deal of the time, that they're really not that good at all and should stop immediately. This is all very easy to say, but try to be a little easier on yourself, there. And this is a little late to be joining the choir, but I think you're terrific too. I certainly enjoy everything you write.