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psalm_onethirtyoneSomebody tell me how to get to the point where if someone says she doesn't like something (and I do it, or did it once, or did it this week my accident, or do it all the time) I don't want to run away and hide and die because I'm sure, sure, sure she's talking about me.
(On the other hand, look! :D Soujin's having angst about something that isn't her weight! Gasp, shock.
I still think it would be nice to be able to hibernate.)
Somebody tell me that people do not get bored with me, do not get tired with me--show me how not to overreact at the slightest sign somebody's upset with me. Explain how it works that everybody is not always looking at me at all the time. Somebody gently take me by the shoulder and point out that people will not hate me if I miss a day, people will not feel I've failed if I have to go away, people will not be angry with me for getting sick. Let me know that the world does not pivot on my responsibilities to other people.
Insist that anybody can stop for a day. Just a day. They won't hate you, they won't want to excommunicate you.
Tell me I don't have to lie about what I like, what I'm reading, people won't stereotype me, people won't be bothered. When there's a silence, it's not my fault. I can't offend people that easily (it's not always about me, it's not about me, the world does not care, nobody is looking at me all the time).
Tell me I'm doing enough, not too little. Tell me it's not all divine punishments. Tell me I'm being stupid, tell me this is silly, and tell me that I can go into work to-day and tell her that I will be away for Christmas, and she will not be angry with me, she will not be disappointed, she will not be reproachful, it will not be the end of the world. I do not have to keep apologising, over and over and over.
...Daddy's the same way, but less so.
(On the other hand, look! :D Soujin's having angst about something that isn't her weight! Gasp, shock.
I still think it would be nice to be able to hibernate.)
Somebody tell me that people do not get bored with me, do not get tired with me--show me how not to overreact at the slightest sign somebody's upset with me. Explain how it works that everybody is not always looking at me at all the time. Somebody gently take me by the shoulder and point out that people will not hate me if I miss a day, people will not feel I've failed if I have to go away, people will not be angry with me for getting sick. Let me know that the world does not pivot on my responsibilities to other people.
Insist that anybody can stop for a day. Just a day. They won't hate you, they won't want to excommunicate you.
Tell me I don't have to lie about what I like, what I'm reading, people won't stereotype me, people won't be bothered. When there's a silence, it's not my fault. I can't offend people that easily (it's not always about me, it's not about me, the world does not care, nobody is looking at me all the time).
Tell me I'm doing enough, not too little. Tell me it's not all divine punishments. Tell me I'm being stupid, tell me this is silly, and tell me that I can go into work to-day and tell her that I will be away for Christmas, and she will not be angry with me, she will not be disappointed, she will not be reproachful, it will not be the end of the world. I do not have to keep apologising, over and over and over.
...Daddy's the same way, but less so.
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Date: 2005-12-14 04:24 pm (UTC)Don't you understand? You are the person to take yourself aside and explain these things. You are the dear and compassionate soul you're seeking, and you just have to turn that bountiful love inward every morning, and every time you feel upset, and every time you're sure you've offended someone.
You are the only person in the world who is always looking at yourself, and in time you wind up shutting yourself in the little dark room with the mirror and slipping the key out underneath the door. Do yourself a favor--slip the mirror out instead, unlock the door, trample the mirror on your way out, and walk around for a while doing things you enjoy and telling yourself kind things before you take a look at yourself again.
Read yourself this post aloud every morning, then go out into the world and live yourself some beauty. Make others happy, yes, but make yourself happy, because you are the only person who will know best what will make you happy, and you can't wait forever for someone else to figure it out. Acknowledge that you really, really can't do anything for others until you've fixed your own problems, and sometimes that means taking time off from your obligations to those people whom you love so dearly--and it will be a wrench at first. I know; I've been there. But you will walk out of it a happier person, and a better person, and a person better equipped to return to helping others because you will have more to give them.
When you finally go back to the mirror, that metaphorical mirror that you're trapped with now that you've left for a while . . . I think you may like what you see. I think it may be easier to stop looking this time, and to return to looking at the beauty and the bounty of the world--and contributing to it.
+hug+ I hope this made sense . . . I love you, dear.