"Wishing That I Could See You Every Day..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

Somebody tell me how to get to the point where if someone says she doesn't like something (and I do it, or did it once, or did it this week my accident, or do it all the time) I don't want to run away and hide and die because I'm sure, sure, sure she's talking about me.

(On the other hand, look! :D Soujin's having angst about something that isn't her weight! Gasp, shock.

I still think it would be nice to be able to hibernate.)

Somebody tell me that people do not get bored with me, do not get tired with me--show me how not to overreact at the slightest sign somebody's upset with me. Explain how it works that everybody is not always looking at me at all the time. Somebody gently take me by the shoulder and point out that people will not hate me if I miss a day, people will not feel I've failed if I have to go away, people will not be angry with me for getting sick. Let me know that the world does not pivot on my responsibilities to other people.

Insist that anybody can stop for a day. Just a day. They won't hate you, they won't want to excommunicate you.

Tell me I don't have to lie about what I like, what I'm reading, people won't stereotype me, people won't be bothered. When there's a silence, it's not my fault. I can't offend people that easily (it's not always about me, it's not about me, the world does not care, nobody is looking at me all the time).

Tell me I'm doing enough, not too little. Tell me it's not all divine punishments. Tell me I'm being stupid, tell me this is silly, and tell me that I can go into work to-day and tell her that I will be away for Christmas, and she will not be angry with me, she will not be disappointed, she will not be reproachful, it will not be the end of the world. I do not have to keep apologising, over and over and over.

...Daddy's the same way, but less so.

Comments

[tiamatschild.livejournal.com]

*huuuuugs* You can, honey. (And part of the stage feeling? Where the lights are on you and everyone's staring? That's partly the age - all teenagers feel it.)

It really is okay, and it'll be okay if you don't apologize over and over, really. In fact, it might make it easier if you don't.

And I never get bored of you.

(Also, I am all for hibernation. I love winter, but it would be nice to be able to have months and months of dreams, don't you think?)

[tiamatschild.livejournal.com]

...Dangit. Need to check my html before I post, it would seem. *laughs*

[eponinenkind.livejournal.com]

Oh, dearest Soujin. I love you. I don't get bored of you. You're not annoying, you're not lazy. You're doing enough. You're wonderful.
*clings*

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Every morning, please, read this post again to yourself. Read it aloud, don't emphasize words like "stupid" or "the world does not care"--instead, emphasize words like "people do not get bored with me" and "When there's a silence, it's not my fault." Read it aloud as though you were reading it to someone else, but know in your heart that you're reading it to yourself.

Don't you understand? You are the person to take yourself aside and explain these things. You are the dear and compassionate soul you're seeking, and you just have to turn that bountiful love inward every morning, and every time you feel upset, and every time you're sure you've offended someone.

You are the only person in the world who is always looking at yourself, and in time you wind up shutting yourself in the little dark room with the mirror and slipping the key out underneath the door. Do yourself a favor--slip the mirror out instead, unlock the door, trample the mirror on your way out, and walk around for a while doing things you enjoy and telling yourself kind things before you take a look at yourself again.

Read yourself this post aloud every morning, then go out into the world and live yourself some beauty. Make others happy, yes, but make yourself happy, because you are the only person who will know best what will make you happy, and you can't wait forever for someone else to figure it out. Acknowledge that you really, really can't do anything for others until you've fixed your own problems, and sometimes that means taking time off from your obligations to those people whom you love so dearly--and it will be a wrench at first. I know; I've been there. But you will walk out of it a happier person, and a better person, and a person better equipped to return to helping others because you will have more to give them.

When you finally go back to the mirror, that metaphorical mirror that you're trapped with now that you've left for a while . . . I think you may like what you see. I think it may be easier to stop looking this time, and to return to looking at the beauty and the bounty of the world--and contributing to it.

+hug+ I hope this made sense . . . I love you, dear.

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

I get in the same state of mind, dear... i think most people do. there're just angsty people like us who get panicky. Just ahve to learn that you're not perfect, and neither are they...

[la-lanterne.livejournal.com]

gileonnen already said this far more eloquently than I ever could. Even so...

That feeling, "I can't do everything people expect of me", it's terrible. It's partly being a teenager, and partly doing such a lot of things - you have two jobs and you're in high school and it's almost Christmas; the three combined would be enough to give anyone hysterics. Sometimes, when you've committed yourself to something, it's difficult to say "This is enough, I can do this much but not more" - but being ill is not a crime, and neither is going away for Christmas. Unfortunately, it's rather too easy to think, "I can just push my limits a little bit further" and forget that it's quite possible to push oneself too far.

Because surprisingly often, we expect far more from ourselves than what others expect from us. We catch ourselves trying desperately to be perfect at something, when being okay is enough. The thing is, you're incredibly much more than just "okay" at what you do, and you really do care about what you do, else you wouldn't feel like this.

- And talking about these things (or writing, which in this case amounts to the same thing) is incredibly important and a huge step towards - I can't remember the correct word and have no dictionary here, but it's a very important step definitely. It doesn't make you a drama queen or anything of the sort; it makes you someone who realises that maybe feeling like this isn't necessary (which it isn't, but not feeling like it isn't easy, even so).

And you do wonderful things all the time - you work ever so much and you send Christmas cards all over (which is so kind; I've hung it on the wall with blue-tack and it's beautiful). If people do look at you, it's because they think you're great, not because they're angry with you.

This doesn't sound quite like it should. Sorry. But. Cheer up? - Which isn't terribly helpful advice. Don't stop posting about these things - post all you like; e-mail me if you feel like it; anything that makes you feel better, even a little better.

Because you're not stupid, you simply want to do your best, or even better. Which may not be sensible, but it's certainly human.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

Oh, lovey. *BIG HUG*

You? Are the best Soujin you know how to be right now. Which is pretty damned good, if you want my opinion. Probably you could be an even better Soujin someday, but right now you just do the best you can, and nobody can ask more than that.

Anybody who gets mad at you for things that you can't help is not a person you need to worry about. That person is a jerk. Srsly omg.

Like what you like, even if it is hopelessly declasse and uncool, because it makes you happy.

Take time off if you need to. My God, girl, if you're lazy, I'm practically comatose. Two jobs! Schoolwork! Exercise! Social life, however digitized! Of course you get overwhelmed! And that goes double if you're sick. (And if you stay in bed all day and discover you feel much better, that doesn't mean you're malingering, it means you NEEDED THE REST.)

Yes, we out here in cyberspace get pouty and miss you when you are not online, because we enjoy your company. But we love you, and that means we understand if you need a break. As long as we know you're okay and haven't fallen off a cliff or drowned yourself or checked into the Second North American Church o' Brainwash or the local loony bin. You know?

Your supervisor will understand, too. And if she doesn't? Hell with her. Seriously. You're fifteen years old, you're under a lot of stress, and if you need a vacation you should get it.

I love you. You're beautiful, you're dear, you're sweet, you're brilliant, you make me happy even when you make me sad, and you never, never bother me.

And you should never apologize for being Soujin.

*HUGS again and cuddles*

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

*looks up* you have very wise friends, miss soujin -- lots of very wise somebodies. they'll tell you everything you need to hear.

[karla-yonit.livejournal.com]

*tempted to copy-paste a lot of that post; succumbs*

People don't get bored or tired with you. They won't hate you if you miss a day or feel that you've failed. The world does not pivot on your responsibilities to other people.

Anybody can stop for just a day. They won't hate you, they won't want to excommunicate you.

You don't have to lie about what you like, what you're reading, people won't stereotype you, they won't be bothered. When there's a silence, it's not your fault. You can't offend people that easily (it's not always about you, it's not about you, the world does not care, nobody is looking at you all the time)

You're doing enough, not too little. It's not all divine punishments. This is silly, you can go into work to-day and she will not be angry with you, she will not be disappointed, she will not be reproachful, it will not be the end of the world. You do not have to keep apologizing, over and over and over.

(We love you. <3333333333333333333333333 )

[bewareofitalics]

Everyone's already said this much better, but, yes. All that stuff. *hugs*

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

Listen to Manon.

*snugglehug* Love you.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

(Originally, I was just going to say "listen to gileonnen". XD)

[lokogato.livejournal.com]

I love you and you're interesting and no-one is boring, no-one, least of all you, and you're completely free to stop forever and smell the roses if you want, and you can read what you want and live how you want and be how you want and do however much or however little you want and I'd still love you.

*cannot comfort people*

I love you. *squeezes*

[fish-bananas.livejournal.com]

Always, always remember -- you can, and you are. I love you.