"My New Lover Made Me Keys to the House..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

Well, I, for one, am crying. Because Harold and Maude makes me cry.

I bobbed for apples at Fort Hunter and got my hair very wet; and Mum bought me a new bracelet to replace the one I lost, the one Zara gave me. This one is pretty funny-shaped stone beads in ivory and honey-colour and dark warm brown. It's very beautiful, even if it is not my old one. And it came with a little silk bag, and I love little silk bags. I have lots.

I feel unfulfilled, and that's not right at all, because so many things are so nice for me right now. I am clearly doing something wrong.

Comments

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

That, my dear, is ridiculous. For starters, I don't remember you and Gil saying "I'm just having a down period and everyone who doesn't take Prozac does, and that's okay, and I shouldn't be guilty for it?"

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

If you don't stop being logical at me, I shall throw my bottle of electric-orange-and-blue capsules at you. *clings*

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

*snuggles* I fear you're going to have to throw them at me, then. For one, you are still in the recovery process, and saying that someone who takes medicine is not allowed to still feel sick sometimes is unfair to everyone. Also, there is a difference between depressed and depressed, and the Prozac only handles one of them.

I'm glad you have a new bracelet, though.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I'm not saying anybody else isn't allowed--it's just that I'm not allowed.

It feels relieving to have something on my wrist again.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Remember what we said, though, about how there have to be rules that apply to everyone?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

>____< Wicked, wicked.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

What's wicked?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

;___; That I'm supposed to be listening and trying to work constructively with logic right now.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Butbutbut--! Zara and I are both trying to logic at you--!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I know! You shall both soon be wearing electric-orange-and-blue capsule bottles! ^_~

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Cool. We'll start a trend. ^____^

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

New hairstyle or new clothes pattern?

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Whichever catches on most quickly, 'f course--but seriously, listen to what Zara's saying in the comment thread below. And for what it's worth, I know we think you're a good friend and a good person who can help other people (like us). And you can't say that you're different, we've already disallowed that as being insufficient grounds for negativity--

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

You're perpetuating beliefs that make you feel worse about yourself, you know. And that's something that someone who takes fifty mg of Prozac every morning can do, or else they wouldn't give you Christine or anybody else to talk to; from what I've seen, it's the hardest thing to stop. I'm not blaming you, I promise, but I just want to make sure that you see it.

Maybe you oughtn't blame yourself so quickly. Here's a question: what do you think would make you feel fulfilled?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I know. (I haven't seen Christine in over a month; and I haven't seen Dr. Conti in almost two, and I haven't seen anyone except Gail because she's the only person who hasn't frightened or upset me--and Gail's the GP at the clinic, so while she's doing a little emotional counselling, I'm not really talking to anybody. Except you. ♥)

Knowing I was a good friend and a good person who could help other people, especially people I love.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

That's good. It's important to know, I think, although I don't know where to go from there. (No one should have to talk only to me. ;) At any rate, though, don't stop. ♥ And I'll try not to say anything stupid. Or very stupid, at least. Why no Christine, though? Perhaps you should make an appointment. I know she upset you, but she's never going to get a chance to get your trust back if you avoid her.)

I really don't know why you think you're not. Seriously, now.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Me either. I am muddling along with a paper bag over my head. ^_^ (I like talking to you. You are not stupid, liek evar. --Also, Gail said I should have at least one more appointment with her and talk to her and explain what upset me, and if we still couldn't get things figured out then I should find a new therapist.)

I'm really not, though.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

. . . please think about sentences like that last sentence before you say them, ladylovely. You're just deepening the bad trails again. Please, tell yourself that you are a good friend?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

--Sorry.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* You're going to hate me soon, because I'll be trying to hard to help you keep an eye on yourself . . . sorry in advance?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Okay. ^__^ Apologies accepted, and I shall do my best to restrain my wild rabid hating tendencies.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

That's a silly mental image. We'll give you eye holes. (Oh, yeah right. XD --That's what I was going to say. Remember, therapists are people, too. If you don't tell her something is wrong, she won't know. She was so good otherwise.)

But you are. And it's so hard, because that's not something I can measure and show to you, but it's something I know. But tell me, what more could you do?

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Can I colour my bag purple? (YEAH RIGHT. *FLAILS AT* --She was. ;____; I will talk to her on Wednesday, then. I have support group.)

I could make you happy.

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

Of course you can. :D (YEAH RIGHT. XD --That's good. At least then you can figure out something-- going without counselling for so long isn't going to help anything.)

Then I'm a worse friend than you.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^___________^! And put some flowers on it? (RIGHT YEAH. --No, I know. So I'll do that.)

...You are not. You're the best friend in the whole world.