"The Sky is on Fire, I'll See You in a While..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

Eulogy

When the cardinal died
I sorrowed within me
In ways I had forgotten
For a long, long time:
For autumn firelight as it once was,
For my grown up children,
And because in his red fallen feathers
I found my lost rhyme.

Comments

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

^^;; How would you tighten it?

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Hmm--do something to narrow down 'autumn firelight as it once was' and 'his red fallen feathers,' personally. They're good images, but if you devote too many words to them, you risk bathos.

Then again, I might be the only person reading who feels this way, so certainly take the advice with a grain of salt!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I'm just not sure how. I can't revise, I'm really bad at it. ^^;; Is why if I don't get something right on the first go I tend to throw it out.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

Mmm--I was like that, too, and then I took a poetry workshop course. It was outrageously revision-intensive, and I learned a lot about how to take criticism and apply it through the course. One of the most important lessons was, though, that not every critique contains usable information. Possibly mine's just one you're going to have to toss. ^_~

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Well--I don't know. :D